Will she take me back, BPD advice please.

[tebatman]

 Hi everyone,

First of all much love to everyone writing in here, i have been reading a lot on these forums and learned a ton, so thanks to everyone contributing.

So, about me, i'm a non-BPD, with mild narcissistic and bipolar traces, i fell in love with a BPD girl.

6 months after we got together she suddenly slapped me and started being violent, i turned silent (i had big problems with violence from my dad) and of course she came back begging and then told me she thinks she has BPD, and she's read around and she seems to have all the traits but she doesn't want to lose me so she promises to treat it, of course she went once to the psychologist and then did ###$ all, but anyway...

After a while i discovered that she was still talking to her ex( not actually boyfriend just a ###$) they weren't ######6 but i was shocked to see that they where talking every two days, mainly because she was bored and was asking for weed, but i was more shocked to see how she spoke about me to him, ("i can't believe that sucker took me back, god men are so stupid, i would have kicked him to the curb, he's lucky he ###$ me so well, bla bla bla)

Anyway, fast forward to another 2.5 years, break-ups almost monthly after her blow-outs wich i would either passively avoid and just try to leave, or fully confront, needles to say she would come back everytime. I think she really did love me, because she did seem to understand what she did wrong, but then would just start another fight based on the last (the impulive behaviour, pain,shame, impulsive behaviour cycle).

Idiot me thought that maybe it's better if we move in together, she's 26 and still lives with her parents and i think that is pretty messed up, moved in together, got our dream apartment, payed a lot of money, asked her to "chip in" symbolycally, she did with 10% of what i spent, i helped her get a job as an A.d. on a film, She's a director, cooked her meals when she came back from work, bought everything we needed for the house, i thought everything was gonna be great, but of course ever since she moved in the crises worsened and they got 100x worse than they where before. The neighbours where already complaining about the noise and asking us to move out and said we where crazy.

In the second to last fight she asked me not to threaten her to kick her out of the house if she is fighting, i asked her to stop swearing at my parents, she did that really bad the last time, in the meantime i am never allowed to say anything bad about her perfect parents of course, she even swore at my dad in front of him once. On our last fight she came home and started complaining that i had used her towel cause it was wet, i told her it's wet because she wouldn't hang it to dry, she started calling me a liar and saying i make up things, the common accusation in our fights. Then i asked her to just stop fighting, she said: "what are you gonna do, kick me out?" I got angry and left, went to stay at a friends, got some messages from her, first "come back honey" then "i hope you have where to sleep". So anyway i come home, and the pillow and a blanket where on the sofa, so i say ok, i'm gonna sleep on the sofa, then in the morning she comes, opens up the drapes and starts cursing "#####& i got no cigarettes, why didn't you bring me any, bla bla bla" i asked her to stop the abuse and of course it only got worse, than she started cursing at my parents, but i mean really the nastiest $#%^ i ever heard, stuff like "###$ your ######6 ___ midget mother who should've aborted you" stuff. so then i got really pissed and said she should start packing her bags and move out if she can't keep her promises, that moment she just slapped me really hard and then procedeed to abuse me phsysically and verbally for 20 minutes, kicking, punching smashing a wodden broom on me, everything.

I filmed everything because it had happened before and she allways denied she was hitting me and threatened to tell the cops i was hitting her if i told anyone.

She's really scared of her dad, so i told her that if she doesn't stop hitting me i'm gonna call her dad, she got really crazy, started punching and kicking me and saying come on hit me mother #####&, i can't wait to show my dad what you did to me and make him beat you up. I resisted, but i managed to immobilise her and kick her out of the house.

This is where it got a little sad, because at that very moment it started raining and she was in her pijamas, anyway i gave her her phone and car keys, and asked her to let me chill out.

After an hour she sent a friend of hers to my house, this friend started explaining to me that she was tired and i should understand that's why she got violent, this made me really mad, because as i have told her, if it was the other way around and i would have beaten her up and then blamed it on being tired at work, it would have been the most stupid thing ever and i probably would have even gotten jail time.

I asked her to leave and leave me alone.

Couldn't sleep al night, she went to her friends house, the next morning she started her usual get back together series, at 7 a.m, sending me never ending messages, one where she hates me and it's all my fault, then one where it's all her fault and she's so sorry she just wants to come back, etc... .this went on until 10 a.m., i only slept 2-3 hours that night, this got me really angry and i really felt mad and that this is never ever gonna stop, so i decided to call her dad and tell him she is really violent and we can't communicate anymore and that she's basically on the street and maybe he should take her home and try nicely to get her back on track, he said he knows what this is about, and asked me what i want, and i just said i need some time alone to just recover and think about things.

That's when everything stopped, her friend came and picked up her stuff and then it was NC for a month.

Then we met on the street, i joined her in her car, and we stayed there and talked, she started saying she will never tell me she was sorry (although i never asked her that) and that she met "thousands" of people who all told her she is awesome, and she feels great being single, and it's clear now that i have been lying all this time and she's the most incredible woman i ever met and i will never meet anyone like her again.

It was obvious that she was in deep denial, i tried seeing her a few more times, and each time she would rage and say it's all my fault and etc... i then found out she actually hooked up with a guy from the film, and they where dating, her best friend showed me her conversations and she was all like, "wow i met this guy today he's so hot, the next day about another guy, then another, then another" shed didn't actually do anything with them, except this one with wich she spent one night "kissing and smoking" and then another date after she met me when she did the same. No sex.

I decided instead of playing the hate game to just show her understanding and accceptance in the hopes of ending the same convention we had while we where together, in the meantime i started reading massively about BPD and i realised that applying a though love strategy and trying to constantly find logic in her illogical behaviour and believing everything she said and all her contradictions was my greatest mistake. I also realised she couldn't control herself and just instantly forgave all of the nasty things she ever said to me, i really did think she meant that stuff. During these times there wheren't ten minutes when i wouldn't think about her, and i missed her constantly.

I had a one-night stand and it just made me feel awful, the sex was boring and mechanic, and again all i could think of was her.

So i met up with her, and told her that i understand she is now "dating" and i hope she isn't gonna anymore, but i have to respect her freedom, but i still love her, and i am starting to finally understand what she is going through and i want to get back together but let her keep her freedom and not impose anything on her.

Then i went NC for a few weeks, she didn't call and i was still blocked everywhere on the social sites.

Then one day i notice she changed her profile picture by looking from a friends facebook, with her carrying a horse with a dude on it, you couldn't see his face but it was obviously from the shoot. I knew the guy she hooked up with was a horse riding stunt man, so of course, this blew my mind and broke my heart.

I then hooked up with this girl, really sweet girl and very pretty, but she was a deppresive type and things where just very faded and boring with her, even worse i still thought about my ex every 10 min's even during sex with this girl who also couldn't really make me cum.

So one day i decide to post a photo of me and this girl on Instagram, surelly enough, a friend of hers contacted me in a few hours, telling me that i am a jerk and i really shouldn't have done that and that i really made it bad now. I told her that she made the same gesture by changing her profile picture and then she told me that, that guy isn't even him, and it's different because she kept that "dating" private.

well anyway, another week passes, and my ex shows up at a friends house, she knew i was there, and said that she came because we need to stop hating each other and just be friends.

We initally fought for a bit, then she told me she wanted to marry me, and started asking me about this girl, i told her she has no ideea what it is, and then she told me she is also seeing someone.

In that moment i told her that i am not seeing the girl anyomre (wich was true because i told the girl that we can't see each other anymore since i am constantly thinking about my ex) and that i didn't even had sex with her, this was a lie, i am sorry for that. She turned around and said, oh, that makes her feel sorry and maybe she wouldn't have done something, and that she actually spent the last 3 weeks thinking that i am in love with that girl and trying to move on. This was 3 months after breaking up.

We started seeing each other every day after that, or talking for an hour on the telephone, she was still raging pretty hard on me, but at the same time claiming she just wants me to be ok, and us to be friends, i told her i want her back, and she said it will never happen. then she went on a holyday with her friends, when she was there i snapped one night and called her and told her i am not gonna see anyone else and i want her back, in the meantime not telling her that she can't see that dude anymore, i asked her if she had sex with him and she told me she isn't in a relationship with anyone, and it's her business what she does but either way she can make the difference between "gymnastics" and "travelling the universe" reffering to the amazing love making we allways had, i snapped and told her that i also had sex with that girl and she should tell me if she did, and she just started crying and saying that i am lying and hung up.

I went NC again, and after a few days i started feeling really bad. and having really bad vibes, i went by her house and her car wasn't there, i knew she was at that dude, having sex. Called her about 20 times, no answer.

In the morning she appeared online, i asked her to meet me, at first she resisted then met me, i told her i knew where she was last night and i don't care and i just love her so much i just want to show her that i understand why she does all this stuff and i will never ever leave her again.

It is important to mention that she has her best friend wich she spend all day talking to and meeting with very often, sleeping with each other and everything (bff's i mean), when i met them together i noticed that she split her totally white, and was also using her as a substitute for our love, Calling her "my baby" saying stuff like "of course i would do anything for you baby" touching and giggling, etc...

While we where together she used to allways vent to her and tell her all the distorted facts about me and our fights. So now they are on this "girl-power" "i'm an independent woman and i do what i want " trip and her gf is constantly telling her not to get back with me in any way. They are also planning on moving in together.

I have nothing against this, i think it's exactly what she needs and that moving in with her before i even knew what her problems where about was a massive mistake on my part.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tebatman]

3 Weeks have passed since then, we talk daily about an hour a day, and see each other every 2-3 days.

Usually she tries to act all jaded and says she will only stay for 15 min's but ends up staying 2-3 hours, keeps telling me i'm boring, and she doesn't like me anymore and all kinds of mean stuff, i told her i know she is trying to push me away and it's not gonna work, she becomes even worse and starts cursing at me and etc, but i managed not to snap. At one point she got into a really bad rage and almost bit my arm, then she realised what she was doing and started kissing it and became all apologetic.

In the meantime she tells all her friends we will never get back together again, or maybe, maybe if i am really the one, maybe after years and years, and after she had other relationships to see if i am really the one, and that she's all awesome and stuff, but each time we meet we hug like we almost have sex, really strong and long, and a bit of kissing but nothing on the lips, either way it's very heavy and emotional and she tells me she is sad, and misses me, but not as much, but maybe she's hiding her feelings, etc. etc.

Her family is against me, and her dad told her to never see me again, "because a 30 year old man who is afraid of being hit by a woman is not a good man", She still takes my calls everytime tho', at one point she dropped her phone while talking to me, and i heard her sister bursting through the door asking her who she is talking to and what she was doing. She told me she doesn't want them to know.

One day she rages and says she wishes i would just get out of her life so she can move on, the next she says that everyday she wakes up crying and wishing she'd just drop all this #######4 and just come home and spend time with me smoking and watching stuff and having sex, but then she remembers that i kicked her out and abandoned her and she hates me to much to do it.

She's also really pissed that i started smoking weed again, that i am doing well financially and that i am looking slim and working out, she said that i stopped smoking weed while we where together to test her and that i am a jerk for doing that (untrue, i did it for personal reasons, i was hooked to smoking and i wanted to regain control, the only reason that i am actually smoking now is that it gives me a reason to spend time with her... )

Anyway, after these three weeks, after each rage crisis she got nicer and nicer, she is still very sensitive but she is way more open and seems to be less and less in denial, at least with me, when it's with her friends, she keeps her independent woman story.

She stopped seeing that guy ever since that night 3 weeks ago, even though i haven't asked her too, she didn't tell me this until a day ago, but she said it's partly because of me and partly because she wants to protect herself. i think this is a big sign of something. I know that she is still talking to guys on facebook and stuff, because a friend of hers told me, but i know 100% she hasn't been seeing anyone.

I am also talking with some girls and going out with one, but we did nothing together and it's basically just something to help me stay sane and balanced so i don't become even more obssesed and consumed as i am by this.

Even in this weird state, the time we spend together and even the moments when we fight are amazing and i just love every bit of them, even more because now i understand her, and i am not trying to change her one bit.

So she eased up a lot with me, but now she keeps saying that we shouldn't talk about the past anymore and just accept that what we had is over and that i have abandoned her and right now we can't start anything new yet.

At the same time she makes these weird rules, like she won't come to my house, "because it's our house" and still saying that she doesn't feel like kissing me, or being attracted to me, but we get touchy-feely every time we see each other and when i hold her i feel her tremble when i touch her, she said "eh, it's just cold outside". She keeps telling me to just "love her from a distance" and she promises it will be how "it's supposed to", she also told me once that she is actually waiting for me to have sex with another girl because then i will chill out and probably leave her alone, but then she says that if i do, to be sure not to tell her about it. I already did this and i know it's not gonna happen but there's no sense in liyng about that anymore.

So this is where i am, she is asking for "space" and tells me to love her from a distance, but at the same time allways answers my calls, and we speak for at least an hour, even if she acts all jaded, and we see each other every 2-3 days, so for me it's pretty clear that whenever i gave her space she just tried to run away, me being present and somehow on her mind is looking like it's making her not split me black anymore, but of course, each time i get to close she rages and pushes me away, and also these rules of not going to my house, not going on trips with me and other stuff are keeping her at bay.

I feel like she is feeling very guilty for what happened, each time she rages she says "what can i do if you where an idiot who kicked me out? it's not my fault" "i used to believe in true love, but now i grew up and i realise there is no such thing, and i just wanna have fun and be free"

Needles to say, she keeps going out and getting drunk and high, but it's not that fun, and then she drops down and says it's just boring.

I also think the situation with her family and friends is complicated, she is probably ashamed of switching and telling them she wants me back, especially her family. That's why i think her moving with her friend is gonna be good for her.

Last time we spoke, she made me promise i don't speak about the past again, and i don't ever mention us being together again, and just focus on the future, at the same time she isn't really sharing much when i talk to her, i have to push a lot to get her to drop her walls and start talking about what she is doing or thinking about... so talking about the future is hard to do, she is being niccer to me, but still no whit splitting, she is still acting jaded and not impressed by me or my compliments, at the same time she allways tells me how hot a dude in a video i showed her, or how hot that is, and all kinds of teases... But then says that she can't answer nicely to my nice messages because "it's just not like that anymore" She usually didn't answer, now she started answering, but still cold reply's, Like "i wish you just the same", or "night y" She told me once tha she hates this in-between status with us and she just want s me to quit and leave faster... Than she said she is too afraid of loosing me so she is gonna do just that.

Yeah, so i really love this girl beyond anything and unlike anyone i ever loved in my life, we really do have a great connection and great times when it was good, and i have really read ton about how to handle her fits and what they mean, and now i really, really want her back and also feel like i am waaaay mor capable to handle her know that i know how she is and i understand her confusing behaviours. I can't seem to figger out her game tho', is she pushing pulling? why is she still talking to me and seeing me, i thougt spliting someone to black means they won't talk to you, period? what are my best chances of getting her back? What is she really thinking and feeling? how should i approach things?

Thanks for the help, sorry if it's to many details but i really want to give people a clear view of this really complicated situation.

[tebatman]

please help...  

[itgirl]

Hi tebatman

You are at the right place to seek advice.  If you want a successful relationship with a pwBPD you have to educate yourself.  And then practice, practice practice.

Have you read the lessons on the right hand side of this page?  Before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse.  If I only knew these skills in the beginning.

The fact that you mentioned your neighbors have confronted you guys to move out makes me believe that you argue back and have not established any boundaries yet.  This is very important. 

On the question if she will take you back?  She seems to keep you around and maybe this is the classic BPD push/pull cycle.  But we wont know for sure.  But like many many stories on the board people with BPD tend to recycle a lot.

So arm yourself with the knowledge on this site so when that happens you can handle it as best you can.

[tebatman]

 Thanks for the advice,

I have been reading a lot about BPD, and in the past 3 weeks i have started to show her that i understand what she is going through and it seems like she is slowly starting to not split me totally black.

What i don't understand is why she stopped seeing the other dude (even though she didn't tell me this) but still is telling me that i have to accept that i abandoned her and the relationship is over and we can't start anything new yet, still if i say something about the relationship, even the good times, she will start freaking out and saying she can't do anything and it's all my fault and she can't do anything but hate me for it. I get that she's actually feeling guilty and trying to transfer the feelings on me, and at the same time testing/trying to push me away, and it seems to have gotten better, the rages are fewer, but she's still very cold, and allways answers coldly and i see her trying to just hold any emotion or proof of love in.

So i feel like i have to do something stonger to get her on the other side. Don't know if i should act cold myself? or maybe let her know that i am dating?

I hate these stupid power games, but so far only these kind of actions got the most strong response out of her...

[waverider]

You have to decide if you want to keep going through this recycling, if so why? What is in it for you?

Do you hope it may change or improve? If so how is this going to happen?

It is not our purpose to tell you whether to run or go, rather to examine why you are doing this, why you are going to continue, and how are you going to get to a better place of clarity so that you can make more informed decisons. This way you are not left with nagging "what ifs?". These are what keep dragging you back to toxic situations

[tebatman]

Well, the fact is that all these 3 years i have been applying the "though love" routine and i also took everything she said seriously, wich, i know now where the most stupid things i could do.

Even so, the good times outweigh the bad, so now, i'm sure that if i drop this tough love bit, stop trying to change her and just accept that she is who she is things will be better, and i am fully ready to take on the bad times, i have no problem with that as long as i understand what is going on, in the past i had a huge frustration because i was trying to apply logic to something that had no logic...

I know i am currently obsessing, and i feel that it's sadly a side-effect of her splitting me black, but besides that, even when i go the other way and feel that i can live without her, i still want nothing but to see her smile at me again. i really did have a connection with this girl, and it's still there, and i do not want to lose it.

I made my decision 3 weeks ago, and it's no doubt that i want to be with her again, and also i feel like these 3 weeks have improved our chances, but it's still hard for me to figger out if there are anymore chances or not, that is why i'm asking for advice on what to do, i'd love a BPD's opinion on my situation.

[waverider]

Well, the fact is that all these 3 years i have been applying the "though love" routine and i also took everything she said seriously, wich, i know now where the most stupid things i could do.

Even so, the good times outweigh the bad, so now, i'm sure that if i drop this tough love bit, stop trying to change her and just accept that she is who she is things will be better, and i am fully ready to take on the bad times, i have no problem with that as long as i understand what is going on, in the past i had a huge frustration because i was trying to apply logic to something that had no logic...

Read reply #41 by formflier

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235029.40

to see what happens when you try to use logic when dealing BPD