my daughter is being mentally abused by mom and grandma with covert NPD

[makennaishurting]

My wife and my mother n law have covert NPD (though they will never admit that) and they won't let me see my daughter and I am afraid for her mental safety.  My wife is an adult victim of child abuse by her mom and mom's husbands/ boyfriends, and I see traits of my daughter being abused in this way and they keep her away from me.  My daughter made an audio recording for me where my mother n law is verbally and mentally abusing her in order to convince my daughter to take sides against me.  My wife (we are still married) says things to her like "she's lazy" and your dad always makes excuses, so don't be like him" etc.  The two of them sometimes put me down and  try to get me upset so that I will react with anger so they can then point out to my daughter not to be like me etc.  My wife will not break up our relationship because she does not want my daughter to go through the same feelings of abandonment that she went through with her dad because of her mom's abuse when she was a child (which I witnessed when we were kids, we have known each other since we were 12)

I have asked my wife to get a psychological evaluation since she has been diagnosed with severe clinical depression by a her doctor and 3 county psychiatrists in the early 2000's and even though she says she will, she never follows through with it.  Marriage counselors that we have seen are never on the level.  

I am more concerned about the mental health of my 9 year old daughter, as I can see she is frustrated and has no outlet, yet my wife wants to have total control over the parenting part of things and will not consider taking her to a counselor either.  

I would like to get my wife away from her mother, but she is fiercely loyal to her to the point where she will want to get in my face, say insulting and insinuating things etc.

They have already smeared my name in the town they live in and are now telling my daughter that I might take her away and not let them know where she is etc.  That has her afraid, and its the same thing that my mother n law did to my wife when we were kids.  My daughter is now 200 miles away from me but we always talk in the morning and say prayers in the evening together, which is our only thread together without her mom being involved.

Does anyone have any advice for me?  

thanks for reading :-)

[Kwamina]

Hi there

This is a though situation with your wife. Many of our members know how difficult it is to raise a child with a BPD partner.

My wife will not break up our relationship because she does not want my daughter to go through the same feelings of abandonment that she went through with her dad because of her mom's abuse when she was a child (which I witnessed when we were kids, we have known each other since we were 12)

I have asked my wife to get a psychological evaluation since she has been diagnosed with severe clinical depression by a her doctor and 3 county psychiatrists in the early 2000's and even though she says she will, she never follows through with it.  Marriage counselors that we have seen are never on the level.  

You say your wife doesn't want to break up. How do you feel about your marriage and how to continue with this relationship?

My daughter is now 200 miles away from me but we always talk in the morning and say prayers in the evening together, which is our only thread together without her mom being involved.

I understand your concerns for your daughter. Are you currently separated from your wife? Or is the fact that you're so far away from her now work related?

[funfunctional]

Lot of good questions already asked but I am confused as to why you have no custody rights?   If you are separated then you go before judge for those.   They are putting a "nail" in your relationship with your daughter or working at it.     They are what I call and "alienating team".    They reinforce each other and will be successful at this if you don't step in and fight for your daugther.   Your daughter will look to you to be strong and fight for your right to see her and spend quality time every other weekend or so.

What have you said to your wife about the alienating comments?  Stop her in her tracks... .comment by comment.   Call her out on them.  Say "hey,  I heard you say this or I heard you say that?".  Say to her "it is important that you and I continue to co-parent positivitely for little "girls name" sake. 

Another idea:    May work better to try this first:   Ask wife:  "can you and I make an agreement that we will only talk nice about each other?".  Tell her you want your daughter to love both of you.  Would she entertain these questions/comments from you?

Just some thoughts & trying to help you out.    Keep telling your daughter you love her,  Dont' stoop to their level, do the right things, say the right things and fight for legal right when needed... .and over time your daugther will "get it".

   

good luck... .sorry for your pain.

[clljhns]

Hi makennaishurting,

I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough situation with your daughter. I agree with the previous posts: What are your visitation rights? Why is child now 200 miles away from where you live?

Here are a few more questions and suggestions:

Are there any recordings of mom making derogatory statements about you? Have gone before a judge to get visitation? Is there a divorce in process? Do you have any legal counsel to help you navigate through this difficult time? I would suggest that you retain an attorney, if you haven't done so already. An attorney will able to provide you with expert advice on the situation with mom, and mom-in-law, and to advice you on visitation.

Wishing you all the best. Please keep us updated.

Peace and blessings. 

[makennaishurting]

Thanks everyone for your input, it really helps out.

Just to clarify some things, we are not Legally separated, she just left to live with her mom, or more or less coerced and "guilted" into living with her mom.  We still get along since we have always known each other, and we love each other even thought the NPD tries to get in the way.  Getting a divorce would just kill my daughter, so I refuse to do it as does my wife because she does not want her daughter to go through the same pain that she did when her mom chased her biological dad out of the house by cheating on him.

Her mom, (my mother n law) has borderline personality disorder as well as covert NPD and gets her NPD supply from my wife.  My wife in turn attempts to get it from my daughter.  My wife knows she is a victim of past child abuse as she has told me about it.  We have known each other since we were 12 years old.  My wife wants to do something about it however the NPD that she inherited from her mom stops her from moving forward because the counseling turns into denial and manipulation of the so called psychologist. 

I do have a recording that my daughter made of her grandma making derogatory comments about me that my daughter sent to me which I find extremely abusive, but this was brought to my attention before I even knew what NPD was, and I confronted the both of them after an endless narcissistic battle between the two of them, they then turn on my daughter.  When I go to stop them they will eventually turn to my daughter when I am not in the room and says things to her like "See how your Dad is?, don't be like him"  Or they will say things like "How come you don't move in with us and support the family?" even though we have our own house.  Or "why did you buy that commuter car?" when they were the ones the suggested it in the first place.  Just a constant battle of "he said she said" and it's utterly confusing to a point where I am struggling with everyday thoughts.  The confusion is immense.

The other reason why I choose not to go through the justice system is because they do not understand NPD as child abuse and follow the no fault divorce system, which would in turn keep her in an abusive situation and have me pay for it.  At least this way I can still visit my child when I can afford it. 

I was thinking of getting CPS or APS to do an investigation, but all they look at is the exterior of the home and not what lies underneath.  My mother n law makes everything look on the up and up to preserve her status by keeping a clean home but underneath the surface has everyone walking on eggshells at the drop of a dime. 

Right now I have a relationship with my daughter where we say good morning and prayers at night.  However recently my wife starts in during the holidays on buying and buying and buying things that its never enough. When I resist do to not having any money to meet her expectations, she blames me for it to her friends by saying that I don't support her and my daughter.  And as of right now that is being tested.  None of this is my daughter's fault, however I am having a difficult time holding my tongue about things so I needed to take a break from being so readily available in order to get my individual thoughts back on track.  Its a double edged sword however because it gives my wife and mother n law to say to her that I don't care anymore.  I just have to hope that my daughter does not believe what they are saying.

I would also reach out to the school counselor however everyone in school has been manipulated by my wife's blaming me of various situations that I know they will get in touch with her as soon as I hang up the phone, thus giving her the opportunity to spike it.

It helps to get my thoughts out on this thread, I know it's very long but if anyone has any advice please let me know.  If there is any way of getting my daughter out of that house without making it look like I am kidnapping her I am all ears!

[clljhns]

Hi makeannaishurting,

Right now I have a relationship with my daughter where we say good morning and prayers at night.

I just wanted to clarify one thing. Your daughter lives with you and you are attempting to co-parent with a NPD parent? Is this correct?

If you are looking for some ideas on how to co-parent and are staying in the relationship, then I would suggest that you post on L5 Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. Here you will find many articles at the top of the board that will be of help. Also, you can connect with others who are experiencing what you are currently.

I think funfunctionalgave you some great tips on how to communicate with mom so that your daughter is not affected. Have you tried these? Were they successful?

Best Wishes!