positive reinforcement?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Apparently overnight someone kidnapped my uBPDw and replaced her with a nice person    I am under no illusions it will last and eventually Evil Twin will return, but my question is, in the meantime, what kinds of things can I do to recognize and validate her good attitudes and behavior?  I'm learning lots of stuff about how to deal with negative comments, etc, but any tips on positive reinforcement would be welcome.  I definitely want her to know her positive times are appreciated and valued, but I don't want her to feel I'm patting her on the head or that she is somehow being manipulated.  Any thoughts are welcome--thanks!

[jedimaster]

Apparently overnight someone kidnapped my uBPDw and replaced her with a nice person    I am under no illusions it will last and eventually Evil Twin will return, but my question is, in the meantime, what kinds of things can I do to recognize and validate her good attitudes and behavior?  I'm learning lots of stuff about how to deal with negative comments, etc, but any tips on positive reinforcement would be welcome.  I definitely want her to know her positive times are appreciated and valued, but I don't want her to feel I'm patting her on the head or that she is somehow being manipulated.  Any thoughts are welcome--thanks!

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[nightmoves]

Lol... .yes... .invariably the Evil twin WILL return...

(been there done that ... .again... and again... .and again)

I can tell you that in retrospect - one of the biggest mistakes I made was

that I let my guard down or my hopes to far up.

One want SO much to bask in the SANE... .and CALN... and NICE for a while that

you begin to really think that ... .ahhhhhh... .you are back to earlier days.

I really tried to be super positive, showed happy, tired to be connected more, began to talk about plans and futures again, ... .

... .then... .one day... .out nowhere... .its Evil Twin.

The mistake I think that I made... .was to then fall into all the co-dependent, logical, JADE, behaviors... .which... .I now know... .was likely what accelerated us backward to Evil Twin days.

It's like this (analogy exaggerated)

You are having a calm and nice week. All the above. She is like her OLD self.

You come home one day. ALL heck has broken lose.

She is FURIOUS... .insists that the car will now explode unexpectedly... .hates her life... .hates you... .blames you ... .for the car, the mail arriving late, her life in general.

AND ... .because you are:

Shocked.

Surprised.

Off balance.

Fearful.

(did it say  SHOCKED?)

and deep down... .crestfallen... .

YOU in many ways... .return to that guy many years ago when you FIRST had this BPD fury sent your way. When you let ALL your codependent and shocked parts take over the way YOU reacted.

AND ... .then... .this FEEDS her Evil Twin.

IN essense... .you trying desperatly to defend, pleasd, help, take on, all this results in you wildly trying to be sure the car will not explode and generally do anythiing you can to send the Evil Twin away... .

BUt the MORE you DO THAT... .the MORE you are saying this Evil behavior is NEEDED... .she is RIGHT... .etc... .etc...

I am not sure that I have explain this clearly... .but in essence... .my advice is to be a good person... .positive... .and do all you can to move forward while she is being "normal"... .

and when (and it WILL) ... .the Evil Twin comes back... .DON"T react to it... .give your self SPACE... .

SEE the illness.

Quickly.

DO NOT... .see this as the kind loving person of 10 hours ago ... .who is having a momentary bad hour... .

STAY grounded. STAY happy. (as best you can)... .and LET this Evil Twin have to deal with HER... .not give her YOU as a target.

Hope this helped a little.

[Cloudy Days]

My Husbands Gamer Tag is Evil Twin... . I suppose he embraces his madness at this point. I think what usually happens with me is the same as nightmoves says. I get used to this nice person and I let my guard down and say something I think a normal person would accept. Try to talk about an issue that is usually off limits thinking he is being normal. And for my husband a lot of the time me raising my voice over something I am complaining about usually brings out the Evil Twin. I will just raise my voice and that sets him off, I think it has something to do with the PTSD.

I think you just have to be mindful of who you are dealing with, enjoy the good times and don't get your hopes up because the Evil Twin will always show up eventually. I just recently had a whole month without it and got a huge dose of Evil Twin for two days because of some bad news, pretty much broke my heart but staying calm was the best thing I could do for myself at this point. And it seems that things are back to normal again.  Hang in there.

[jedimaster]

OK who told you about the exploding car?  

When I first joined this site I was convinced some of the people on here have been hiding under my bed for the past 30 years, just listening.

Anyway, yes thanks, and I have seen the exact scenario you have described many, many times, and unfortunately have played my role to the hilt almost as many times.  So what I'm gathering is I should try to be as positive and nice as I can, and in the meantime don't let my guard down too much and use this time to be mindful and prepare myself for the inevitable next round, so hopefully I don't fall into the old ways of reacting.  Sounds like a plan.  I know this is never going away, and there will always be bad times in between the good ones.  My hope is not that it will someday be "cured", but if I can just work toward managing the bad times and maybe extending the length of the good ones.  I'd be pleased with a 60/40 good/bad ratio; ecstatic with 75/25.  Maybe that's too optimistic, but at least it's a goal.  Thanks again.

[maxsterling]

Here is what I have come to realize:  I deal with so much negativity from her that when a good day comes, I feel like I need to praise her and reinforce the good behavior.  But really?  I need to send positive reinforcement her way simply for doing what a mature adult should do anyway?  Praise her for nor raging?  Thank her for doing simple household chores that need to be done on a daily basis? 

So you see what I am getting at? 

Be careful here to not get too excited and heap on too much praise for what should be everyday things.  pwBPD can be incredibly perceptive and may see that praise as patronizing.  I've been accused of being patronizing for thanking her for ordinary things. 

My advice?  Be polite and pleasant and enjoy the good days.  Don't make an agenda of trying to use the good days as some kind of teaching tool.

[Mono No Aware]

My advice?  Be polite and pleasant and enjoy the good days.  Don't make an agenda of trying to use the good days as some kind of teaching tool.

Max, well said.

~~~~~~~

All I have to add is that during the good peaceful times it is highly educational and valuable to sharpen the watch for the early signs of the evil twin's return - look closely and they will be there. Body language, facial cues, choice of phrase will all get subtly shifted as dysregulation creeps in. This is when carefully placed validation and SET comments can actually head off full blown BPD episodes.

[maxsterling]

Mono has good points.

The good mood is guaranteed to not last.  You can use the tools here to lessen the blow, or postpone the complete meltdown by a few days, but inevitably it will come back.  I've successfully bought myself a few extra days or weeks of relative happiness by validating and supporting, but every time it has only been temporary. 

Use the good days to recharge yourself through self care.  When she is on edge, I rarely have the opportunity to work on myself, visit friends, read, or work on hobbies.  When she is in a good mood, I be sure to grab every opportunity knowing that the good mood won't last.  And it won't last.

[jedimaster]

All good input--thanks everyone.  Exactly the kinds of things I wanted to find out.  I don't mind at all giving her an appropriate amount of praise/recognition just for having a good day, but I appreciate the warnings not to overdo it.  Will try to keep that in mind.  And I am trying to use the good days to work on myself.  Going to support group tonight. 

Interestingly, we had a minor schedule conflict between support group and one of her activities.  In the past I would have given in or even quietly canceled my obligation so as not to cause a conflict.  But this time she said, "No, you go and I'll work mine out," and I simply said OK.  I decided I am tired of always being the one to insist that she go ahead.  I'm going to start allowing myself my share of things like this, but still be willing to compromise like anyone else would do.  Of course the next thing she said was, "I really want you to go; you need to get this fixed."  Meaning "fix" me, of course, but I just thought to myself, "Lady, you have no idea what real truth you just spoke... ."    Take 'em where I can get 'em... .

[takingandsending]

Hi jedi. 

Have you listened to the Fruzetti video on "validation"? I think it's important to validate the valid, whenever you can. So if she is being nice, rational and supportive, by all means, validate that you see that, that you appreciate her.

Agree with others, don't get overexcited. A good rule might be to check in with yourself at that moment. What are your feelings? If you are feeling like, "About freaking time", be there for yourself first so that you can validate your wife's positive actions.

I am happy that you are having some good news right now. Hopefully, she will sustain it for a while.

[jedimaster]

Well it didn't totally last, but the good news is that last night's outburst was just a rant, not an explosion.  And I was able to apply some SET and validation techniques to the convo and it downscaled pretty quickly.  It was amusing to see how quickly and smoothly she segued back into normal conversation, as though it never even happened. 

Just knowing what is going on has been amazingly empowering.  I feel SO much more confidence knowing that these crazy accusations are just that, and it is all coming from the BPD, not from reality.  It helped that I had just come in from a support group where the discussion was on separating the person from their illness.  So I was able to listen to the rant objectively and not take it personally (well, pretty much.  I do have feelings.) 

What was also interesting to me as a newbie to all of this, was when I would say something along the lines of, "I understand you're concerned about feeling abandoned," etc, she would immediately stop and agree with that, even though her rant on the surface had very little to do with abandonment.  Prior to learning about BPD, I would have never gotten abandonment fears out of her behavior, but now I can see connections between things she says and her inner fears about abandonment and a general lack of security.  It was almost like, "Yes, I am scared of being abandoned; meanwhile here's why you're being a jerk about [insert random topic]."  Not in those words, but amazingly close.

Thanks to all of you for your input.  I will check out the validation video, as I know I'm only scratching the surface.  I'm an amateur with a few weeks of BPD knowledge up against a master of the game.  I feel like a kid with a toy violin who's found himself sitting on the front row of the orchestra trying to figure out how to keep the thing under his chin, let alone play along

[waverider]

Dont overfeed the the angel twin with too much praise, otherwise the contrast when they swing will seem even more extreme for both of you. They will see the difference in the way you react to white vs black, this will validate their opinion that it is your fault you are not treating them well.

You need to be consistent regardless of what they do

Dont follow the angel into clouds, stay on the ground where its safer and be ready to catch them on the way down.

The angel is as much a symptom of the disorder as the demon.

When you find your self thinking "this time it will be different", go have a cold shower.