Relationship with his mother

[vortex of confusion]

This has been a sore spot with me for years. My husband seems to always take his mother's side in everything. He cannot or will not stand up to his mother at all. He is 40 some years old and is still a momma's boy. I talk to my mother almost every day but I know how to put her in her place when she starts to get out of line. I have never understood how a grown man could put his mother on such a pedestal to the exclusion of everyone else even when his mother is clearly being an abusive b***h!

[Lolster]

The three potential male BPD's I knew would NEVER say a bad word against mummy, and nor could anyone else.  At least one I suspect was emotionally abused by his mother, and definitely sexually abused by his aunty if his claims of losing his virginity to her at age 13/14 were true (he was proud of this).  Another was very protective of his mother despite the fact that she emotionally & physically abused him.


The one female suspected BPD I know hates her mother with a passion and will tell anyone who will listen what an emotionally abusive and neglectful b***h her mother was.  I sometimes wonder though if some of it is lies and her own warped take on things.

[vortex of confusion]

Another was very protective of his mother despite the fact that she emotionally & physically abused him.

I consider his mother to be very abusive. We lived with her for 4 months. She is the queen of gaslighting and nitpicking. She used to always raise hell with my husband because of his weight. She said that all my stomach problems were because of my bad cooking. He could not and would not stand up to her. I told her off at one point. She backed off my husband a lot after that but he still just couldn't say or do anything with regards to her.

The one female suspected BPD I know hates her mother with a passion and will tell anyone who will listen what an emotionally abusive and neglectful b***h her mother was.  I sometimes wonder though if some of it is lies and her own warped take on things.

That sounds exactly like my sister. She sees our mother as the devil incarnate. My mom could be an abusive b**ch but she could also be very helpful. My mother was my sister's on call babysitter for years but my sister seems to have forgotten all of that. I suspect the female that you know twisted things and painted her mother black just so she would be justified in treating her mother like crap and spreading lies. Like I said, our mother wasn't a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination but she sure as heck isn't as bad as my sister painted her out to be. [/quote]

[clydegriffith]

BPDx doesn't get along with her mother at all. After our b/u she moved to her mom's house with her plattoon of toddlers in tow and wore out her welcome within 6 months. In an effort to get people to feel sorry for her she started spreading lies around her town saying her mother takes her child support and wanted to kick her out on the street. I feel so bad for the mom.

[merlin4926]

My exes mm ran away he has no idea where she is. He must have really messed her head up that she doesn't want any contact with him - don't think I stood a chance!

[Lolster]

The one female suspected BPD I know hates her mother with a passion and will tell anyone who will listen what an emotionally abusive and neglectful b***h her mother was.  I sometimes wonder though if some of it is lies and her own warped take on things.

That sounds exactly like my sister. She sees our mother as the devil incarnate. My mom could be an abusive b**ch but she could also be very helpful. My mother was my sister's on call babysitter for years but my sister seems to have forgotten all of that. I suspect the female that you know twisted things and painted her mother black just so she would be justified in treating her mother like crap and spreading lies. Like I said, our mother wasn't a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination but she sure as heck isn't as bad as my sister painted her out to be.

[/quote]
This one has absolutely nothing to do with her mother, she would live on the streets over asking her mother for help and has even cut her step father out of her life due to this, despite her claims of him being a good man.  She claims her step father will suffer at her mothers hands if she remains in contact with him.

Apparently everyone in her family is disordered to some degree EXCEPT her.  Her Mother and step brother she claims are both NPD, and her step father co-dependent.  She didn't know what NPD was until I brought it up in relation to someone else. 

[tim_tom]

BPDx doesn't get along with her mother at all. After our b/u she moved to her mom's house with her plattoon of toddlers in tow and wore out her welcome within 6 months. In an effort to get people to feel sorry for her she started spreading lies around her town saying her mother takes her child support and wanted to kick her out on the street. I feel so bad for the mom.

similiar... minus the toddlers... Mine last 2 months at home and then got daddy to put her up in a shiney new Apartment. Can't handle being around her mother at all.

[mstnghu]

My UBPDW definitely gives her mom's opinions/viewpoints far too much weight. She values her mother's opinion over mine in every single situation. It drives me completely crazy and I've gotten on my wife's case about it far more times than I can remember. It makes no sense. They have a very tumultuous love/hate relationship with each other but my wife can never seem to "cut the cord". I have a close relationship with my own mom but she in no way runs my life or tries to make decisions for me.

Just as an example, recently we were at a local hardware store checking out Christmas lights and decorations to get ideas for what we want to do on the outside of our house this year. She immediately starts telling me that I need to call her mom for advice before I start doing any Christmas decorating... .never mind the fact that I've been decorating the outside of our house on my own for Christmas every year since we've been married.

[clydegriffith]

While we're on this topic, i do not buy the notion that some sort of "childhood trauma" is what ignited these people to get BPD. At least in my case, the parents are good people who took very good care of her.

[vortex of confusion]

While we're on this topic, i do not buy the notion that some sort of "childhood trauma" is what ignited these people to get BPD. At least in my case, the parents are good people who took very good care of her.

I have questioned that notion as well. In the case of my sister, the childhood she talks about is very different than the childhood that I remember.

I don't know what to think about my husband's childhood. Yes, his mother can be an abusive b**ch but a lot of that is a generational thing. I can sit and talk to her for hours. I just can't live with her.  My brother's husband has a very different take on their childhood and doesn't seem to be impacted by it at all. That adds a lot of confusion for me because I don't always know what to think. I just know that he has chosen his mother over me repeatedly. A lot of the crap that I dealt with when we lived with his parents was a result of the fact that he would not say anything to protect his wife or kids. I did my best but it was difficult for me and his mom because he put us both in a situation where we felt like we were trying to protect ourselves. Once I stood up to her, she backed off.

[tim_tom]

While we're on this topic, i do not buy the notion that some sort of "childhood trauma" is what ignited these people to get BPD. At least in my case, the parents are good people who took very good care of her.

I think what constitutes trauma for one person is very different then another. My ex's mom isn't very warm and is critical, plus she fawns over her brother fueling jealousy.  To my hyper sensitive ex, this is traumatic. She can't handle the slightest bit of criticism.

To me, that is an upgrade over my childhood, but I digress

[fred6]

While we're on this topic, i do not buy the notion that some sort of "childhood trauma" is what ignited these people to get BPD. At least in my case, the parents are good people who took very good care of her.

My ex told me that her mother was an alcoholic that was always going out. Her father had to juggle going to work with taking care of the kids. He usually did the cooking and the cleaning when he had time. My ex is the one who took care of her mother when she was dying. She died back in 1995 I believe. It's kind of ironic that my ex never really cooked or cleaned. I did most of the cooking and cleaning during our 3 years together, kind of like her father had to do with her alcoholic mother. Although, she did help me somewhat, but not much. I'll give her a little credit though, she is better about cleaning now then she was when I met her. But then again, I haven't been there in 6-7 weeks. So she may have regressed back to her old self. She never could and still can't cook for $hit though,  

[Bak86]

She treats her mom as she's still 5 years old ":)on't leave me!".

She even got mad at me when i told her i never got my mom any flowers on random occasions. Y  amy mom is the most important person in my life and she knows it.

[behindme]

One of the best books I found on the topic was Understanding the Borderline Mother which divides such mothers into four main types: Queen, Witch, Hermit and Waif.  Very helpful in identifying the why's - and how's of dealing with these dynamics.

[Bak86]

Yeah the subtypes are really helpful understanding the BPD

[vortex of confusion]

I was more curious about how the person with BPD interacts with his/her mom. I don't think my husband's mother is BPD at all. She might be overly authoritarian and controlling but I do NOT think she is BPD at all. Those descriptions of BPD mothers might be interesting and helpful if a person has a mother that is BPD.

It seems like most people with BPD go to one extreme or the other with their mothers. On the one end, there is the person that can't seem to let go of his/her mother and the other is the person that sees his/her mother as the devil incarnate.

[Turkish]

While we're on this topic, i do not buy the notion that some sort of "childhood trauma" is what ignited these people to get BPD. At least in my case, the parents are good people who took very good care of her.

We have many parents who come here whose children seem to develop BPD due to nborn biogenetic traits. Inborn emotional resilience can certainly play a role in this as well. I see a stark difference between S4 and D2.

Parents with BPD or NPD traits are high risk parents, and stand a good chance of passing it on. Multiple siblings and the "good child/bad child" dynamic is often also in play. Since BPD is an attachment disorder, the parent-child enmeshment can play a significant role in affecting the development of a young child, who carries that enmeshment into adultood. It's all they have ever known.

Understanding The Borderline Mother by Chistine Lawson talks a bit about this. It's an enlightening read.

[vortex of confusion]

Since BPD is an attachment disorder, the parent-child enmeshment can play a significant role in affecting the development of a young child, who carries that enmeshment into adultood. It's all they have ever known.

That makes a lot of sense. Even if a parent isn't BPD, the mother and child could be very enmeshed. I think that is what is going on with my husband and his mother. He is so unbelievably enmeshed with her. I think that he was trying to use me as a replacement for his mother. In all honesty, I feel like a lot of our problems became more pronounced when I started refusing the role of mother with him. As long as I take care of him and stay enmeshed and treat him like a child, he seems to be just fine. Even though I am trying to detach, I still feel very protective of him. I want to leave but I also want to find a way to protect him in the process. I am pretty sure I need to get past that.

[Sofie]

I always found my exBPD's relationship to her mother disturbing. On a daily basis, she would be very critical of her mother and always complain about how narcissistic and self-absorbed she was. (Which I to a certain degree agreed with... .her mother was definitely not the caring type.) But when exBPD was dysegulated or in despair, she always began talking about that she wanted her mummy to come, wanted her mummy to hold her, to tug her in, rock her in her arms, etc. I understand having a close emotional bond to your mother throughout your life, but this was just... .creepy. I literally felt that she wanted to be baby being breast-fed by her mother again during these instances.

[maternal]

My ex's mother is the queen of guilt tripping and making her son feel like sh!t.  She would shove money in his pocket when we would visit, he'd protest, but she'd all but force him to take it, then she'd call a week later whining about how broke she is.  She'd always call to tell him how his cousin is now a doctor, or this distant cousin is lawyer or this friend of the family has a great government job... .she'd rarely express delight in the fact that he is very talented and loves what he does for a living (for now... .he may paint that black at any time, too.)  Nothing he did or does is ever enough for her to be proud of him... .and in turn, nothing I ever did for him was enough.  Any time he'd go visit - she lives about 4 hours away from him - it would always leave him depressed or upset for a few days before and about a week after.  English is not their primary language and while they spoke English most of the time while in my presence, they had their serious discussions in their native tongue and I was not privy to what was being said.  He claims to be a Momma's boy, and gets upset at harmless jokes about mothers in general, but he doesn't really seem to like her very much.  His sense of obligation to her is more than evident and the idea of upsetting her both delights him and upsets him at the same time.  From where I sit, she clearly has much to do with his current behavior patterns and why he is the way he is.

[Chunk Palumbo]

uBPDex: mother had post-partum depression for years. I know this affected her, and it's one of the only things I sometimes wish I could've spoken with her about at length.

BPDex: molested by a family member (there's actual proof, ruling outa BPD sympathy ploy). It's so tragic, I can't mention the relation.

[SickofMe]

she always began talking about that she wanted her mummy to come, wanted her mummy to hold her, to tug her in, rock her in her arms, etc. I understand having a close emotional bond to your mother throughout your life, but this was just... .creepy.

This is pretty sad but I think it probably points to the absence of a close emotional bond to her mother.  Sounds like she was neglected, poorly bonded, or something, when she was pre-verbal.

I don't think it's weird to "want your mommy" when feeling dysregulated, it's a natural desire.  People with normal attachment in place have internalized "mommy" (i.e. self-soothing) and probably don't feel that abandonment as acutely.

That story real gets under my skin, how sad.

My ex is financially dependent on his mother and they are close.  I wouldn't say that it's an unhealthy attachment (although I do feel he takes advantage of her, but he has convinced himself he has no choice).  Mine had daddy-issues.  His father was a WWII and Korean War veteran who clearly had severe PTSD and an inability to love him/father him properly.  His father is dead.  I imagine that is a very difficult situation to grapple with.

[Sofie]

I don't think it's weird to "want your mommy" when feeling dysregulated, it's a natural desire.  People with normal attachment in place have internalized "mommy" (i.e. self-soothing) and probably don't feel that abandonment as acutely.

That story real gets under my skin, how sad.

Yeah, I am sure that she was pretty severely neglected as a child and I do understand where her feelings and behaviour came from. What made the situation creepy for me was that this was an adult person with whom I had a sexual relationship. And seeing someone who you had a relationship to almost literally become a baby was just very disturbing, because it made ME feel as if I was having a relationship with a baby which was just... .ehewww. Especially keeping in mind that she had been sexually molested as a child.

[SickofMe]

[What made the situation creepy for me was that this was an adult person with whom I had a sexual relationship. And seeing someone who you had a relationship to almost literally become a baby was just very disturbing, because it made ME feel as if I was having a relationship with a baby which was just... .ehewww. /quote]

I understand, so upsetting and disturbing. I think you got a glimpse into the emotional reality of your partner--wow. So unnerving. Dark. Heartbreaking.

[pieceofme]

my ex's mom is an alcoholic and from all appearances, a permanent barfly searching for a man. she and my ex fought constantly - not small disagreements, but hours long screaming matches over the phone. i witnessed a few and each time, i would end up crying as i listened to my ex yelling at her. it was traumatic for me, even as a bystander.

after fights like that, my ex would "cut her off" - block her number, ignore her emails, etc. he used to brag that he had done it before (for months at a time) and had no problem cutting her off again.