Would giving her a letter with my feelings on our b/u help?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So its been 1 month since she moved out and since we broke up. Here is some background info:

She moved in with me in mid july and moved out about a month ago. We started college together and loved each other. SHe told me one day when I got back form work she was moving back in with her mom. She said she was young and wanted "no restrictions, limitations and wanted to explore". She told me she needed a break, but I know what that means. I was devastated. So the next day I helped her move out, I took everything out of the house that reminded me of her and pretty much cut her out of my life. I have been NC since she moved out, she has contacted me a couple of times wanting to know if I am ok, and telling me she still cares and loves me and still wants me in her life. I haven't answered.

Since we broke up my life has been going downhill with family problems and other things. I have no friends, no car (relied on her), and am really lonely. She is out socializing doing her own thing and in her messages she tells me she "misses me" and that she is facing her worse fear which is being alone. It pisses me off because I am completely alone with no one to talk to dealing with bigger things than her, while she is off "exploring". I have been there for her for EVERYTHING! when she cut herself, had terrible temper tantrums, hated her life, went through depressions (BPD stuff)etc. etc. I never left her side. And I have been tempted by other women so many times.

So I wrote a short letter that basically explains everything i have done for her, how I was there for her during her lowest points in life and never left. I told her about how I resisted cheating on her or going off with other girls even ones that would have defiantly treated me better than her, because I loved her. And I told her everything that has happened since our b/u how I am alone, how horrible it is that she isn't there for me during my lowest times and how selfish she is being. I top it off with saying that I don't want anything to do with her, and I hope she doesn't grow up like her father. (he is like she is, he is old alone and probably has BPD)

She seems to have remorse for what she did. Well at least a little, because she kept telling me sorry and stuff. But her reaching out to me seems like she just wants to keep me around for her own selfish reasons. Not telling her what she did to me is killing me and I really want to give her this letter, it would probably also give me closure. What should I do? I should also mention I have no intention of ever getting back with her its not that kind of letter

[antonio1213]

So its been 1 month since she moved out and since we broke up. Here is some background info:

She moved in with me in mid july and moved out about a month ago. We started college together and loved each other. SHe told me one day when I got back form work she was moving back in with her mom. She said she was young and wanted "no restrictions, limitations and wanted to explore". She told me she needed a break, but I know what that means. I was devastated. So the next day I helped her move out, I took everything out of the house that reminded me of her and pretty much cut her out of my life. I have been NC since she moved out, she has contacted me a couple of times wanting to know if I am ok, and telling me she still cares and loves me and still wants me in her life. I haven't answered.

Since we broke up my life has been going downhill with family problems and other things. I have no friends, no car (relied on her), and am really lonely. She is out socializing doing her own thing and in her messages she tells me she "misses me" and that she is facing her worse fear which is being alone. It pisses me off because I am completely alone with no one to talk to dealing with bigger things than her, while she is off "exploring". I have been there for her for EVERYTHING! when she cut herself, had terrible temper tantrums, hated her life, went through depressions (BPD stuff)etc. etc. I never left her side. And I have been tempted by other women so many times.

So I wrote a short letter that basically explains everything i have done for her, how I was there for her during her lowest points in life and never left. I told her about how I resisted cheating on her or going off with other girls even ones that would have defiantly treated me better than her, because I loved her. And I told her everything that has happened since our b/u how I am alone, how horrible it is that she isn't there for me during my lowest times and how selfish she is being. I top it off with saying that I don't want anything to do with her, and I hope she doesn't grow up like her father. (he is like she is, he is old alone and probably has BPD)

She seems to have remorse for what she did. Well at least a little, because she kept telling me sorry and stuff. But her reaching out to me seems like she just wants to keep me around for her own selfish reasons. Not telling her what she did to me is killing me and I really want to give her this letter, it would probably also give me closure. What should I do? I should also mention I have no intention of ever getting back with her its not that kind of letter

[CareTaker]

Do you want someone to be very honest with you?

I feel like you. I walked out, because I would no longer be treated like a piece of trash. My relationship cost me money. Mega bucks.

I deal with pain every day. But it gets better as time goes by. There is NO way, that I will ever let her know how I feel. That is the one pleasure she will not have.

Two weeks after our last break up, another guy moved into her bed. So, despite my feelings, I am going to work this out. No matter what it takes. My head tells me what to do, my heart is the one causing all the problems.

Delete the message and move on.

Good luck

[Raybo48]

It sounds to me from what you've posted about her contacts that she is just trying to keep you around as a backup plan.  I know that sounds harsh, but I have found with my own expbdf that her words rarely if ever met her actions.   If she misses you and is worried about you then why not try and get together even if it's over a cup of Coffee just for the sake of catching up? Again, words don't meet her actions in my opinion.

Of course she is facing her worst fear of being alone because from what I can tell other than abandonment that is definitely their worst fear and they will do anything to keep from being alone for very long.  A BPD left with their own thoughts for very long is a really bad combination as you probably already know.

I personally wouldn't bother with a letter.  I have done that before in the form of an email and have spilled my guts out to her and either never got a response or if I did the response was 100% about her and her needs and none of my points were addressed at all.  I know that's my personal experience, but the BPD mind is pretty much the same across the board when it comes to lack of empathy.

Stay 100% NC and see what you have on your hands.  If she really cares about you she will show up at your doorstep and tell you, not text you once in while to keep you on the "hook". 

[clydegriffith]

I agree with the others. Expressing your feelings in a letter or in any way for that matter is not a good idea. It'll just let her know that you're still open to being used as a human doormat and she will see it a sign of weakness. She may reach out to you in the near future when she inevitably has problems with the new supply. You should ignore that as well. These people are dangerous.

[Lolster]

I would keep the letter to yourself and look at it when you need a reminder of why you shouldn't go back.

The problem with sending the letters is that it just drags out the whole push/pull cycle and lets them know you are probably available for a recycle or triangulation at a later date.

They NEVER admit what they did so it doesn't really resolve anything or give any closure.

[Raybo48]

I would keep the letter to yourself and look at it when you need a reminder of why you shouldn't go back.

The problem with sending the letters is that it just drags out the whole push/pull cycle and lets them know you are probably available for a recycle or triangulation at a later date.

They NEVER admit what they did so it doesn't really resolve anything or give any closure.

This is 100% accurate.  I've prepped letters for days and reread them over and over before I hit send.  I pumped myself up and thought man she's going to melt when she reads this and things will start working themselves out for sure.  The thing is I never considered the fact that I was sending that letter to a girl with a severe personality disorder.  I mean I knew she had one, but your rational brain somehow tries to convince you that she will understand all the words like you do... .ain't-gonna-happen... .ever.    I ALWAYS felt worse after I sent it and didn't get the response I was looking for. 

[GoodThingsToCome]

I agree with the others. Write whatever you need to, but put the letter away somewhere and move on with your life. I'd heard too many apologies from ex when the s**t hit the fan, about how sorry she was and how she "needed to change", only for nothing to really change later on and for her to go back on her apologies and to just blame me again.

I gave up on getting closure, and what the others here say is true... .you most likely won't get the closure you want and will probably just get more hurt by it; they thrive off knowing that we are hurting because of them or thinking of them... .its a sense of power.

Be strong buddy, I know how damn hard it is... .I'm a couple of weeks NC - I suspect she has moved on with another guy already - but I'm feeling stronger as an individual and human being already! This might sound harsh, but I'd go as far as blocking her from all communication... .even the smallest of communication can be a big set back on the road to recovery. Good luck!

[antelope]

I should also mention I have no intention of ever getting back with her its not that kind of letter

if it's not that kind of letter then what is it, an airing of grievances?  what impact do you think a letter like that is going to have on a person like this?

if you have no intention of getting back together with her, then what's the point of contacting her in any format, esp. so soon?

I wrote a letter too.  I never sent it, but I did re-read it about 6 months after the b/u, then again at some point after a year... .what it made me realize by that point was that the reality is that I have nothing to say to this person.   Hell, I don't even really know who she is... . 

[Blimblam]

I think writing letters is a good idea.  Sending may not get accross the intended message though.  Like has been stated she would most likely see it as you are still open to her advances and as like has been said a sign of weakness.  It is unfortunate but remember she is disordered and does not see things the way you do.

[Deeno02]

I did it. Got zero emotion, zero feedback. Dont do it.

[antonio1213]

This is off topic. How do you respond to someones specific reply?

I won't give it too her. I am just having trouble coping with it. As I am reading on here I see I am not alone. I put 120% of my time, money, energy, and effort into her. And she gave me maybe 40% and now leaves because she feels half of what I have felt the entire relationship. It is just so sickening. And it is even harder for me to understand that she doesn't feel remorse, or she might but not in the way that a normal person would. I read somewhere it is like being in a hit and run accident and I see what it means now.

She sent me a friend request on Facebook and sent me a message about her worrying about me, wanting to know if I am ok, and still loving me, blah blah. I gets me so angry. I am consumed with anger and I guess the only outlet I have is to write it down.

Thanks for the input, I haven't heard one good success story from giving a BPD a letter. It would be like giving a child a adult message explaining adult feelings. They just wouldn't get it.

I guess I will continue NC. Its been a month so far and I am doing pretty good. I think about her all the time and I am still in a good amount of pain but its slowly getting easier. I feel right now If i just tell her how messed up everything is she is doing she will maybe feel badly or something. But based on what everyone says breaking NC makes everything worse. So I will just have to continue it, so far doing petty good. Except whenever my phone goes off I look to see if its her. (gotta break that habit).

And Raybo48 you are absolutely right. Her actions speak louder than her words. We go to the same small tech. college. She has one class on the days I have 3. And I have a 4 hour break in between one of my classes where she could easily find me. (I am in one of the most public places in the whole dang school.)  She hasn't done anything but try to lure me back into her life by essentially "friend zoning" me or saying I can maybe be her "Friend with benefit". If she really felt as bad as she did or wanted to know if I am ok she would have tried to see me by now. We go to the same dang school, and we both know each others schedules for pete sakes!