Got what I needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I reconnected with my pwBPD, I got the validation I needed. She admired that I was a victim of domestic abuse, that she manipulated me, that she lied, that she twisted things, that she wanted control, that she didn't care how I felt, that she took advantage of me, and didn't care how her actions affected me.

[qwaszx]

So I reconnected with my pwBPD, I got the validation I needed. She admired that I was a victim of domestic abuse, that she manipulated me, that she lied, that she twisted things, that she wanted control, that she didn't care how I felt, that she took advantage of me, and didn't care how her actions affected me.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

wow, you obtained the unobtainable with a pwBPD... closure. you should be proud thats quite a feat! 

[qwaszx]

I am. I'm really proud of her... .I'm at peace with it. It was nice to get that validation from her, that it was real. That my perception was right... I'm happy

[Confused?]

Lucky you

[myself]

She admired that I was a victim of domestic abuse, that she manipulated me, that she lied, that she twisted things, that she wanted control, that she didn't care how I felt, that she took advantage of me, and didn't care how her actions affected me.

Admired, or admitted? Those are two different things.

[Blimblam]

I think it is important to keep in mind what your exs needs are at the moment. Where you are at in yourself and what direction you want to take your life.  My uBPD mom has apologized to me before for her abusive behavior only to repeat it once again.  Tread carefully.

But yeah Maybe this is an opportunity to get the closure you need and you are indeed lucky if you decide to detached and continue to take steps in that direction.

[blissful_camper]

That's awesome!  That level of acknowledgement must feel freeing in so many ways.  Perhaps with this awareness, your ex will take positive action, and will seek help.  Her discussion with you was certainly a step in a healthy direction.  Bravo. 

[Arminius]

I'm happy that you're happy, but that would do nothing for me. It wouldn't take away any of the resentment and, yes, hatred that I feel.

Long may she fester in the pit of her own darkness.

[qwaszx]

Arminius- feel those feelings, there is a brighter side, I've been where your at. It does get easier.

Blissful_camper- thank you, thank you a lot. She has been trying to take positive approach to her healing... I'm hoping she will keep trying. This wasn't easy for her... she has been seeking help.  I had asked her for this. I asked her for owner ship on her part. I needed it. I also know it's the first and hardest step in healing, acknowledging your faults, flaws. "Bad side" ...

Blimblam- I always look forward to your opinion, you've help me a lot through this. I appreciate it. I'm feeling great in regards to where I'm heard in my life. I'm aware of where she is at, and what she needed. I'm not  going to fall back into old habits. I  know what I want:)  thank you forever thing.

Myself- I can't tell if your kidding, or serious... ru actually going after a spelling mistake?

Confused- I am, where ru at? Cuz I'm feeling a bit hurt by your statement, I came here for support, for some empathy, As this board has seen me through a lot. I wasn't trying to through any thing in anyone's face

Chasing_Ghosts- thank you for your support.

[Mr. Solo]

My dBPDw has done this several times only to take it back and say she was just telling me what I wanted to hear at the time. She needed something from me.

[qwaszx]

Mr. Solo- I hear you. This was about her, but not in that way. This was about her wanting to change. About her having a safe person to tell her part to. About her taking the first step. I'm not about to take her down for that. I'm not about to go back in any way. So we both got something out of this, I don't see anything wrong with that:)

[myself]

Myself- I can't tell if your kidding, or serious... ru actually going after a spelling mistake?

Nothing to joke about, just looking for clarification.

When I first read it I thought, That's pretty sick thinking that's great you were abused. Reading other comments made it sound like she was fessing up/apologizing, and I was happy for you as that would be a relief in many ways. Being BPD, though, she could still flip it. Hopefully she continues working on herself, that would be like a one in a million success story.

[qwaszx]

Ok, cool, I'm sorry I'm still a bit touchy. :S thank you for ur support.

[Mutt]

So I reconnected with my pwBPD, I got the validation I needed. She admired that I was a victim of domestic abuse, that she manipulated me, that she lied, that she twisted things, that she wanted control, that she didn't care how I felt, that she took advantage of me, and didn't care how her actions affected me.

Hey qwaszx,

I think she gave you closure as well Take it for what it is and I'm happy for you. Many of us struggled (I did too) with getting closure on the leaving board from a pwBPD.

[Arminius]

My dBPDw has done this several times only to take it back and say she was just telling me what I wanted to hear at the time. She needed something from me.

This, I suspect, is the reality if it.

[blissful_camper]

 I'm an optimist.  I believe that it's possible for everyone to heal if they so desire.  That includes pwBPD.  I'm really happy for you qwaszx.  I imagine that the honesty and compassion exchanged was healing for you both. 

[qwaszx]

  I agree, everyone can change if they want to, and heal. Shes not some evil monster. She simply has more "issues" then I'm willing to have effect my life. I love the compassion. Thank you again blissful_camper

Arminius  this might be true, but who really knows, guess that's up to her.

Thank you Mutt:)

[Arminius]

I'm sorry all, any 'improvements' are all about THEM, not us.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry all, any 'improvements' are all about THEM, not us.

Hi Arminius,

I understand feeling anger and resentment. I have control becoming unstuck and if I want to work on myself. My uBPDex doesn't have control over how I choose to heal, quality of life or happiness. I have control over how I choose to feel and if there's a shred of closure, take it and run with it.


--Mutt

[qwaszx]

I think any "improvements" are always for ourselves, BPD, or non, isn't that why we cant change anyone but ourselves? isn't it us who have to take a good long hard look in the mirror to decide if this life we have been living is truly the one we want, or one maybe we want to improve(which start with our selves, for ourselves, what is so wrong with that?)? last I checked we aren't any good to ourselves or anyone else if we cant/wont take care of our needs first, so she wants to do that? that what I want for her.

I know for me that were some of the resentment I had for her comes from, "how could she do this to me?" "how could she manipulate and betray me, put me in danger?" "how come she wont change for me, when I have changed for her"? "doesn't she see all I've given up for her?"

and although yes, she did, she did all those things above plus some, but you know what the harder question is? how could I allow anyone to do the things she did to me? how could I think so little of myself to allow myself in this situation more times then I want to admit? does it really matter where the blame is placed? I am responsible for myself, just as she is of herself. just as we all are.

frankly its not about them. its about us. how do you want to live your life Arminius? who do you want to be? is this something you want to allow to have control over your life? how long ru going to allow your ex to "rent space in your head"? this whole experience has sucked for me, it wasn't easy. it wasn't fun. it was so painful, but I've learnt so much about myself, I might not have learnt without this... .I'm a better person then I was before this. I've had to confront my past, my issues, and as hard as it was, it didn't kill me. I've gained a lot of insight.

[Arminius]

By uBPDxgf no longer has any impact on me. In fact, I only log in here now so that I can contribute my perspective that may hopefully help others, just as others helped me.

I also gained insight. One of the the things I realised is that she IS evil, she KNOWS what she is doing and she CANNOT change.

They are masters of manipulation, of being all that they need to be to  all men ( and/or women) . My comments that seem to be perceived as negative are actually designed to help yiu and anyone else keep a little perspective.

Don't abandon yourself to this apparent positive about turn in behaviour. It can just as quickly reverse. Prepare yourself and any fall will be easier to survive .

You have my very best wishes. Really.

[qwaszx]

We're each entitled to our own opinions. I chose not to view her as such, I don't believe she is evil, a monster or bad, I don't even think this is all her fault, she's mentally ill... I don't need to hate her, trust me, she's punished herself enough for everything and anything she does "wrong". I can still empathise with her, and not be afraid of having that turned around on me.

I'm not blind to the fact the in a second this could all change, that the cycle will continue, and that it takes years for someone like her to have enough insight into change, and enough self control. am not willing to bet my life on the fact that she could change, or put myself in the line of fire. I do hear and understand what your saying.

Thank you for your opinion, and support:)