My BPDex calls only for money not interested in hearing me

[guy4caligirl]

She only call witch is 2 times in 3 month just to ask me for little money , when I steer the talk into how much I miss her and love and wanting to get her to come back ,she says I can't.

She gets angry and start yelling and hang up .

I am ion my fifth day of NC , can someone share a thought or does it to you and why ?

[antelope]

She only call witch is 2 times in 3 month just to ask me for little money , when I steer the talk into how much I miss her and love and wanting to get her to come back ,she says I can't.

She gets angry and start yelling and hang up .

I am ion my fifth day of NC , can someone share a thought or does it to you and why ?

she does it because YOU let her.

you make it perfectly known how much you miss and love her when you talk to her, therefore she believes she can still manipulate you into getting one of her 'needs' met.

at this point, the question is why do you even bother talking to her?

[antonio1213]

When they break up with you they keep you on a leash and tug when they need you. My exBPDgf contacts me just to tell me she wants me in her life, mainly because I am the only one who put up with her sh** and wants to keep me on a back burner for when she gets lonely or it doesn't work out with another guy. She is just using you, I hate to say it and I know it sucks. trust me I am in the same exact position as you and am in a lot of pain.

Cut her out of your life. I know you miss her and love her but she is toxic to be in a relationship with. All BPDs are toxic to be in a relationship with. You just have to cut them off and move on. And I know how this sounds, but I am living it right now and actually using my own advice. And I know how hard it is.

[Mutt]

She gets angry and start yelling and hang up .

She's triggered with negative emotions. She can't soothe or regulate. If your 5 days in NC I suggest not picking up the phone. Are you working through the 5 stages of detachment? Attachment leads to suffering. Detachment leads to freedom.

[guy4caligirl]

MUTT do you mean the lessons ?

[Mutt]

MUTT do you mean the lessons ?

Yes.

[guy4caligirl]

She only call witch is 2 times in 3 month just to ask me for little money , when I steer the talk into how much I miss her and love and wanting to get her to come back ,she says I can't.

She gets angry and start yelling and hang up .

I am ion my fifth day of NC , can someone share a thought or does it to you and why ?

she does it because YOU let her.

you make it perfectly known how much you miss and love her when you talk to her, therefore she believes she can still manipulate you into getting one of her 'needs' met.

at this point, the question is why do you even bother talking to her?

The truth is that I am hopping she hits bottom and want to seek help and come back yes it's sick but ,  I will give it one more try knowing what I know now .

We had not had any official recycling in five years but we both complained about breaking up from the start but I couldn't neither she did . there was like breaks to go see her folks and kept in communication at all time .

I am sticking with my NC not only to forget about her but when I do the silent treatment , it might go two ways go further on her own  or let her feel my lost .

I am going to practice what someone posted yesterday how to text back .

[Mutt]

I believe my ex continues to be enabled by her family. I'm speaking about my situation here. I hear you on this. I choose to stop enabling by disengaging. One less person in her life that enables. I do it because I would hope that she hits rock bottom. That being said, everyone's exe is different and some are worse than others. It is clear to me now after having been detached from her for quite some time that it could take years. She may also not seek help.

She is not the key to my happiness. I'm that key. I'll have other relationships. My ex and I ran our course and knowing what I know now. I couldn't go back with eyes wide open. I say that because I need to trust my partner and vice versa. She crossed a line with me and her cheating.

It depends what your boundaries are guy4caligirl. I think in your case she accused you if cheating and she just left? If your wanting to make things work and willing to give it another shot. There are other boards like undecided or staying.

[fred6]

I believe my ex continues to be enabled by her family. I'm speaking about my situation here. I hear you on this. I choose to stop enabling by disengaging. One less person in her life that enables. I do it because I would hope that she hits rock bottom. That being said, everyone's exe is different and some are worse than others. It is clear to me now after having been detached from her for quite some time that it could take years. She may also not seek help.

She is not the key to my happiness. I'm that key. I'll have other relationships. My ex and I ran our course and knowing what I know now. I couldn't go back with eyes wide open. I say that because I need to trust my partner and vice versa. She crossed a line with me and her cheating.

It depends what your boundaries are guy4caligirl. I think in your case she accused you if cheating and she just left? If your wanting to make things work and willing to give it another shot. There are other boards like undecided or staying.

guy4caligirl, in my opinion don't give her any more money. If she can't even have a calm rational discussion about your relationship, then she doesn't deserve your money. If she's BPD, it's a discussion that she is not capable of having. When triggered, these people are neither calm, nor rational.

Sadly I think that you are correct Mutt. I think that in a good majority of cases, friends and family enable this behavior. Denial is already a major trait of this condition and when you add in a bunch of enablers it would be almost impossible for a pwBPD to seek help. Even without the enablers, it's a monumental task to convince them to the help that they need. When they are high functioning, the enablers may not even know about the problem. In my ex's case, you would have to get her family and close friends to do some type of intervention, and that ain't gonna happen.

[guy4caligirl]

I believe my ex continues to be enabled by her family. I'm speaking about my situation here. I hear you on this. I choose to stop enabling by disengaging. One less person in her life that enables. I do it because I would hope that she hits rock bottom. That being said, everyone's exe is different and some are worse than others. It is clear to me now after having been detached from her for quite some time that it could take years. She may also not seek help.

She is not the key to my happiness. I'm that key. I'll have other relationships. My ex and I ran our course and knowing what I know now. I couldn't go back with eyes wide open. I say that because I need to trust my partner and vice versa. She crossed a line with me and her cheating.

It depends what your boundaries are guy4caligirl. I think in your case she accused you if cheating and she just left? If your wanting to make things work and willing to give it another shot. There are other boards like undecided or staying.

Mutt , the reason we broke is was coming but when it happened in July she had found a place to go to which two friends of her , I can't say she cheated or I don't know , we were always  together I run my own business and she helped as she can .

I know I never cheated on her but yes she accused me million time .

She never gave me a good reason  why she doesn't want to come other than it wasn't meant to be or I can't or I treated her bad

she knows she has BPB and Bipolar very educated about both cases

Now if she slept with someone she will have a good excuse i told you numerous time we broke up ".

Again she still thinks about what I do for living and think about it sometimes . missing it but not me .

I know it's difficult to reengage but I am wanting to go for it IF only she allows me , but as of now she said a lot no way I will come back . and you know how that goes I still don't believe her cause that's how BPD are or I want to believe so .

About the hurt or pain I am down to 20 % for the months .I think I am almost there where if it goes either way I accept but I do  like option A reunite . I can't go to the undecided board cause I am done as far as she is concern but sometimes I think am on the back burner and I believe I am but she denied it you know they Never lie... .

She throw lots of unfinished texts or she offers me to send her catalogues of merchandise to buy for the business she has a good taste in fashion but I did not do . so I see sometimes bait she lays for me as like hang in there till I wake up or things don't go her way , to find a job there no way ... .I don't know why she would ask me to pay the minimum $25 on her credit  cards .

Where are all these friends she has why me for a lousy $25 why not her bf if she has one ... .

I am really hanging in there but I am in whole lot better shape emotionally that I was a month ago after I joined the site I read every day on here I express what I feel I never go to sleep with a though unresolved so freedom or no freedom I think I am handling this situation as good as I can  and still committed to day 6 NC

Any input  on what I wrote is mostly appreciated thank you all you are my family now !

[Mutt]

That's good news that you're getting the help that you need here  

I agree with not giving her any money as a boundary. If you helped her with her cc payment it telegraphs that you'll help her the next time - a rescue.

A pwBPD have poor boundaries much like a young child that flails against their parents boundaries. A boundary can be that I won't give her money or rescue her with the consequences of missing the minimum payment on her cc with overdue charges etc.

I think if she has an eye for fashion and she's wanting to help - let her. Not everything that your ex does is disordered. She's a person with feelings and she has difficulties soothing herself and regulating her emotions. She has talent, she and I don't think she's telegraphing bait and above all, she's a person. It's fine if you don't feel comfortable as well. Maybe you're not at a stage where you feel like she's a friend and you need your time alone to heal.  It's  not something a pwBPD understands because they cope differently.

Look out for your needs. Take care of you!

[guy4caligirl]

I believe my ex continues to be enabled by her family. I'm speaking about my situation here. I hear you on this. I choose to stop enabling by disengaging. One less person in her life that enables. I do it because I would hope that she hits rock bottom. That being said, everyone's exe is different and some are worse than others. It is clear to me now after having been detached from her for quite some time that it could take years. She may also not seek help.

She is not the key to my happiness. I'm that key. I'll have other relationships. My ex and I ran our course and knowing what I know now. I couldn't go back with eyes wide open. I say that because I need to trust my partner and vice versa. She crossed a line with me and her cheating.

It depends what your boundaries are guy4caligirl. I think in your case she accused you if cheating and she just left? If your wanting to make things work and willing to give it another shot. There are other boards like undecided or staying.

guy4caligirl, in my opinion don't give her any more money. If she can't even have a calm rational discussion about your relationship, then she doesn't deserve your money. If she's BPD, it's a discussion that she is not capable of having. When triggered, these people are neither calm, nor rational.

Sadly I think that you are correct Mutt. I think that in a good majority of cases, friends and family enable this behavior. Denial is already a major trait of this condition and when you add in a bunch of enablers it would be almost impossible for a pwBPD to seek help. Even without the enablers, it's a monumental task to convince them to the help that they need. When they are high functioning, the enablers may not even know about the problem. In my ex's case, you would have to getfamily and close friends to do some type of intervention, and that ain't gonna happen.

Enable means can't convince in this situation ?

Her family doesn't care what she does as long she is not living with them and that won't happens  , her friends that she is staying with , I don't know she can be on her best behavior for that long she probably on stage acting everything is fine , she is on half her meds , I can tell she is not thinking right at all she burst at me when I say I can't help you financially while you live somewhere else ,she goes crazy on me saying if I love her like I claim to I should Bs Manipulation technique is highly detected now by my defense department   I do I know her they don't but I ask myself for how long is she going to act normal or how long til she show her real self ?

She has been there for 3 months no rent share a room ,

As Matt said I am her key for happiness perhaps ?

[Mutt]

Look at her FOO. They could be burying their head in the sand, they may be scared of her or maybe they know and can't convince her. There could be personality disorders in the family as well. In my exes FOO, her mother and grandmother I suspect are BPD or some PD, there was sexual abuse. No one is the key to her happiness. She needs to work on her trauma and what causes her pain.

[maxen]

hi guy4. my stbxw was very presumptuous about my money. i earned less than she did but i was very prudent and she knew it and thought that the marriage deal was that she could spend as she wished and it was part of my job to make up her debts for her. i didn't see things that way, so she bolted (for other reasons too), because she "didn't feel cherished." her fiscal irresponsibility would have been ruinous to us as a couple, but having me pay her debts was a way for her to feel emotionally cared for. that may be what's going on with your exgf. sure she wants the money, but she also wants to feel that you're still there for her.

so the next time she tries to hit you up, how do you think you'll handle it?

[guy4caligirl]

hi guy4. my stbxw was very presumptuous about my money. i earned less than she did but i was very prudent and she knew it and thought that the marriage deal was that she could spend as she wished and it was part of my job to make up her debts for her. i didn't see things that way, so she bolted (for other reasons too), because she "didn't feel cherished." her fiscal irresponsibility would have been ruinous to us as a couple, but having me pay her debts was a way for her to feel emotionally cared for. that may be what's going on with your exgf. sure she wants the money, but she also wants to feel that you're still there for her.

so the next time she tries to hit you up, how do you think you'll handle it?

I really don't know she did not get but the necessary things while we were together the business was suffering in the bad economy , but she knew as she was leaving in July that I am going to have a good year but she left anyways so I don't think wasn't money hungry that bad .

I don't know if I give her little money she would know that I really care for she does anyway but since she is like a little child what if I do give her a little do I have better chance of getting her to come back ?

[guy4caligirl]

Look at her FOO. They could be burying their head in the sand, they may be scared of her or maybe they know and can't convince her. There could be personality disorders in the family as well. In my exes FOO, her mother and grandmother I suspect are BPD or some PD, there was sexual abuse. No one is the key to her happiness. She needs to work on her trauma and what causes her pain.

Indeed there is yes she claims she was abused sexually at a very young age by a family friend she remembers a van a green van she always said her parents refused to talk about it she wanted to get hypnotized so she can understand something

[maxen]

she is like a little child what if I do give her a little do I have better chance of getting her to come back ?

well, if she's like a little child, do you want to go out with her? you're in the sting of rejection right now, as i was a year ago. it's indescribably painful. but my wife also is like a little child and how could i have a genuine reconciliation with someone like that?

[guy4caligirl]

she is like a little child what if I do give her a little do I have better chance of getting her to come back ?

well, if she's like a little child, do you want to go out with her? you're in the sting of rejection right now, as i was a year ago. it's indescribably painful. but my wife also is like a little child and how could i have a genuine reconciliation with someone like that?

Well I did it for five years that someone is a person too, and yes I would , I asked if I do give her help would she open up some and talk,,always she insisted that I now her situation , what do you mean by middle of the sting ?

Thank you for helping !

[fred6]

Enable means can't convince in this situation ?

An enabler is someone who enables another person to continue with their self destructive behavior. It could be friends, family members, or even you. By giving her money you are enabling her to not pay her CC bills. If you do it once or twice it may be ok, but she may be getting money from other enablers in between the times she's contacted you for money. I feel that the more people that "help" people with BPD, the less of a chance there is that they will get help with their issue. My ex would litterally have to "hit bottom" in order to get some help. But she knows too many people and would find someone to help.

If the relationship is over you should cut her off and go NC. That is the first thing you need to determine.

[guy4caligirl]

Enable means can't convince in this situation ?

An enabler is someone who enables another person to continue with their self destructive behavior. It could be friends, family members, or even you. By giving her money you are enabling her to not pay her CC bills. If you do it once or twice it may be ok, but she may be getting money from other enablers in between the times she's contacted you for money. I feel that the more people that "help" people with BPD, the less of a chance there is that they will get help with their issue. My ex would litterally have to "hit bottom" in order to get some help. But she knows too many people and would find someone to help.

If the relationship is over you should cut her off and go NC. That is the first thing you need to determine.

Thanks Fred 6i am on my 5th day NC. I am just informing myself about all this I learned a lot since I join a month ago and still learning thank you for your quote am doing that my NC not just for me but to show her am no longer available to her needs and at the same time making her wonder why is he not texting me cause I use to a lot but silent treatment between conversation let's see where that's going to get me closer or farther what do you think ?

[fred6]

Enable means can't convince in this situation ?

An enabler is someone who enables another person to continue with their self destructive behavior. It could be friends, family members, or even you. By giving her money you are enabling her to not pay her CC bills. If you do it once or twice it may be ok, but she may be getting money from other enablers in between the times she's contacted you for money. I feel that the more people that "help" people with BPD, the less of a chance there is that they will get help with their issue. My ex would litterally have to "hit bottom" in order to get some help. But she knows too many people and would find someone to help.

If the relationship is over you should cut her off and go NC. That is the first thing you need to determine.

Thanks Fred 6i am on my 5th day NC. I am just informing myself about all this I learned a lot since I join a month ago and still learning thank you for your quote am doing that my NC not just for me but to show her am no longer available to her needs and at the same time making her wonder why is he not texting me cause I use to a lot but silent treatment between conversation let's see where that's going to get me closer or farther what do you think ?

I think in your situation, you really have to determine whether a relationship with her is possible or if she is just going to keep this cycle going. If she can't/won't commit to a relationship and work toward mutual happiness, then you really don't have a choice in the matter.

My ex told me she loved me everyday for 3 years. Then one random day cheated on me, split me black, kicked me out, and hasn't contacted me since I left. So I don't have a choice, I must continue on my own path to find happiness somehow. Indeed, it is difficult.

What do you think her feelings for you are?

What has your ex said about your relationship moving forward?

Are you happy with the way that she's treated you and have your needs been met?

Are you prepared and strong enough to deal with this type of behavior in the future?

I know the feelings of loss are overwhelming and painful, I'm right there with you. Letting go and moving on is a long and hard process. In the short term, it seems easier to try and salvage the relationship than to process all of the pain and abandonment. However, if you recycle with her you are setting yourself up for more emotional pain in the future if the relationship goes south again. But like I said, if your ex doesn't want to be with you, there's not much you can do except continue with NC and focus on yourself. I know it sucks, but sometimes we have to deal with the cards that we are dealt in life!

[Blimblam]

Guy4caligirl

I only read the thread title.

But the question it raises in my mind is this.

Is this behavior acceptable to you?

If not isn't continued contact under these pretenses a form of accepting this behavior regardless what your own value system is?

[guy4caligirl]

I see a lot the word triageling what does that mean ?

[guy4caligirl]

triangeling  ?

[guy4caligirl]

Enable means can't convince in this situation ?

An enabler is someone who enables another person to continue with their self destructive behavior. It could be friends, family members, or even you. By giving her money you are enabling her to not pay her CC bills. If you do it once or twice it may be ok, but she may be getting money from other enablers in between the times she's contacted you for money. I feel that the more people that "help" people with BPD, the less of a chance there is that they will get help with their issue. My ex would litterally have to "hit bottom" in order to get some help. But she knows too many people and would find someone to help.

If the relationship is over you should cut her off and go NC. That is the first thing you need to determine.

Thanks Fred 6i am on my 5th day NC. I am just informing myself about all this I learned a lot since I join a month ago and still learning thank you for your quote am doing that my NC not just for me but to show her am no longer available to her needs and at the same time making her wonder why is he not texting me cause I use to a lot but silent treatment between conversation let's see where that's going to get me closer or farther what do you think ?

I think in your situation, you really have to determine whether a relationship with her is possible or if she is just going to keep this cycle going. If she can't/won't commit to a relationship and work toward mutual happiness, then you really don't have a choice in the matter.

My ex told me she loved me everyday for 3 years. Then one random day cheated on me, split me black, kicked me out, and hasn't contacted me since I left. So I don't have a choice, I must continue on my own path to find happiness somehow. Indeed, it is difficult.

What do you think her feelings for you are?

What has your ex said about your relationship moving forward?

Are you happy with the way that she's treated you and have your needs been met?

Are you prepared and strong enough to deal with this type of behavior in the future?

I know the feelings of loss are overwhelming and painful, I'm right there with you. Letting go and moving on is a long and hard process. In the short term, it seems easier to try and salvage the relationship than to process all of the pain and abandonment. However, if you recycle with her you are setting yourself up for more emotional pain in the future if the relationship goes south again. But like I said, if your ex doesn't want to be with you, there's not much you can do except continue with NC and focus on yourself. I know it sucks, but sometimes we have to deal with the cards that we are dealt in life!

she said she love me but not in love with me anymore

she said I can't give you another chance.

somewhat yes .

Yes

I still want the relation but it's no longer my decision I like for the NC to maybe work for my advantage and show her some self respect which is growing by the day hoping but no contacting her she would be bothered and call me herself , I had myself available for her did my bargaining it didn't work I have never sent her a penny either so good luck to me if not am on my way to recovery by this coming spring I will be over it completely .

[maxen]

I still want the relation but it's no longer my decision

the feeling of powerlessness is as painful as any other aspect of a breakup. is there any facet of this that you can control right now? going NC is one, and if she asks again for money you can refuse or not respond at all.

[guy4caligirl]

Maxen , I read something in lesson  3 tools ,   a good post about NC

Can you please summarize in an easier way to understand please ?

I am doing the NC to get her attention ,is she going to ignore or she is feeling it ?

[fred6]

I still want the relation but it's no longer my decision

the feeling of powerlessness is as painful as any other aspect of a breakup. is there any facet of this that you can control right now? going NC is one, and if she asks again for money you can refuse or not respond at all.

Yes, I agree maxen. When they pull the rug out from under you. You have no choice except for NC/LC. These people have no concept of conflict resolution, therefore they head for the hills and leave us with no choice in the matter. It's such a feeling of helplessness at the time. Being alone and NC helps you realize that you are a self sufficient individual and that you do indeed have power over your life, whether it be positive or negative... .

[fred6]

I am doing the NC to get her attention ,is she going to ignore or she is feeling it ?

Trust me guy4caligirl, I know it's hard. But if you're NC and leaving, just stay NC and don't try to analyze or anticipate what she's going to do. I have a feeling that if she contacts you, that she will just want something from you like money or a favor. If you're trying to salvage the r/s, you'll get better advice on the staying board in my opinion... .

[guy4caligirl]

Thanks Fred 6 , she has been gone for 3 months and she said she isn't coming back , and she still text or email her needs I need her she needs help with expenses she never worked .

If I move to the other board , and she is not with me how that is going to help me ?