A New Member to BPDfamily

[Paradigm7]

I am 55 years old and have had a difficult time dealing with my 58 year old sister since we were small children. We have had some good times together over the years. However, most of the time, she is a very difficult person to be around. She can be very hurtful when she disagrees with me over minor issues and will tattle to my elderly parents, lie to them to get them upset, and always find a way to make me “the bad guy.” I can’t let my guard down when I'm around her because a verbal assault can happen anytime and usually happens at the worst possible times.

In the past, when she verbally abused me, I would just say goodbye to her and leave. However, after years of having to be the careful, peacemaking sister for my parent’s sake, I just couldn’t take it anymore. She has become more unreasonable and outrageous. I was tired of being my sister’s punching bag and tired of being called childish names. So, the next time she verbally assaulted me, we had a big argument over how she was treating me and she got madder than I have ever seen her. After our argument, she walked away and cut me off from her life completely. She has been telling outrageous lies about me to our parents and I have had to defend myself. If I stop by my parent’s house to visit them, and she happens to be there, she will make a scene and leave in a huff without even looking at me - no contact at all. This has gone on for two months and my parents are suffering because my sister and I aren’t getting along.   

A few years ago, my sister told me that she might have BPD. I didn’t know if it was a diagnosis (I knew she was seeking professional help for depression at the time.) I had never heard of BPD. I did some research which included reading a book called “Walking on Eggshells.” My sister had every one of the traits discussed in the book. Also, I did a little research on NPD and my sister seems to have a lot of those traits, too.   

My sister said really hurtful things about both my husband and I during our big blowout while I restricted my comments to her treatment of me. If I said those same hurtful things to her she would probably never speak to me again. Instead, I have made a good faith effort to try to stabilize our relationship (mostly for our parents sake at this point) and SHE has decided that she will not speak to me because she can’t face the truth!  She just doesn’t seem to understand the fallout of her actions and totally disregards everyone else’s feelings.

I’m pretty sure that avoiding all contact with her at some point in the future is what I need to do. I can’t avoid her completely because we will need to work together when my parents pass away. Also, my parents have made her executor for their estate and I don’t think they will change that. So I am hoping that this support group will help me improve my coping skills and help me through whatever the future holds. 

[clljhns]

  Paradigm7,

Glad you have found us! So sorry to hear about the painful relationship with your sister. Many of us here have a sibling with BPD and know how damaging this can be to any relationship. It is especially more difficult when it is a family member. Kudos to you for reading up on BPD and looking for positive ways to interact with your sister. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just that I can certainly relate to what you are going through. Keep posting, there is a lot of support to be found here!

Peace and blessings.

[Linda Maria]

Hi there!  Sorry to hear of your situation - mine has a lot of similarities - I am 52 with a 53 year old uBPDsis.  Like you, until 18 months ago when my Mum passed away, I had what I thought was a reasonable relationship with my sister, though she has always been pretty difficult and highly strung.  Our relationship was ok because I had, without completely realising it, done the "walking on eggshells" thing for years, and was always careful not to "set her off".  She did some really mean things to me years ago, but I haven't lived with her for over 27 years, so the relationship was manageable.  Around 2 months after my Mum died (she had lived with my Mum for the last 3 years in my Mum's house, though she owns her own house nearby), although we had been a good team when my Mum was ill, and initially after she died, she really turned on me.  It was just awful.  Mutual friends were being told really awful lies about me, not just nasty, but weird, and frankly, unbelievable.  Anyway - I have posted quite a lot about this, so won't go on - I am sure you have experienced this too.  Reason for me posting - you mention that your sis is an executor - the main reason my life has been such a hell for the last 18 months is that my sister and I are joint executors, and she has done everything possible to prevent the estate being sorted out and wound up.  She changed locks so I couldn't go to my mother's house, refused to sign forms so neither of us could get any money once probate was granted, despite the solicitor being desperate to transfer the money to us!  She put properties on the market behind my back, but then refused to return calls from solicitors/estate agents/buyers etc. and has made everything as painful and costly and drawn out as possible.  We are getting near the end now, but it looks like I will have to go to court to get control of one property that she refuses to accept an offer on, which if we lose the Buyer, will need substantial work.  Anyway - to have to go through something like this when you have lost a much loved parent is just terrible.  You may not be able to have your sister removed as executor, but I would urge you to try to do something - maybe appoint another executor as well if your parents agree, so there is a neutral third party who can help, or just with your parents help - get any decisions that need to be made - such as what will happen with property, who will deal with what etc. confirmed in the will so there can be no dispute about responsibilities.  My uBPDsis has taken all my Mum's jewellery as well as all the family photos, and the few things of value that were in the house.  I knew, once she turned on me, how awful it would be, because I have seen her create these dramas so many times over the years, someone else is always the bad guy, usually some poor person where she works, or a utility company or something like that, and it goes on for years.  She chose the probate solicitor, and is now suing them so we can't use them for conveyancing!  She has made complaints to the estate agents about their conduct and for not keeping her informed, when she point blank doesn't answer her phone and only leaves messages on their answering machines between midnight and 7.00am, which are just riddles, pretending her phone doesn't work etc. and asking what is happening. I have felt completely trapped - because I am in a legal relationship with her, and have a legal obligation to wind up the estate I couldn't just walk away from it.  I handled it by using third parties such as solicitors and estate agents as much as possible - within a few communications they realised the problem - despite the awful stories she tells them about me - it is clear where the problems lie.  By "exposing" her in this way, it stopped me feeling like I was going mad, and whilst these people are professional and can't get emotionally involved, they have been sympathetic and very supportive which has helped - as they have been prevented from doing their jobs also, and in some cases threatened with legal action for various imagined transgressions.  Anyway - I don't wish to frighten you, and depending on how much would be involved once one or both of your parents die, it may or may not be such an issue.  In my case there were properties to sell, which to me was not a big issue, but for my sister was a huge deal,  she just wasn't capable of doing it, and she wouldn't allow me to take the lead on it, but she wouldn't co-operate with me either, although it was her who was insisting we sell everything.  So for a long while I was in limbo, not able to do anything, and feeling terrified that the nightmare would never end (the hate mail had started by then).  Hope I haven't made you feel worse, but I guess all I'm saying is - anything you can do now in preparation to limit the amount of stuff you would actually have to do together as executors, and to confirm division of responsibilities so you can get on with your stuff and not be jerked around by her at such a terrible time, would probably be helpful.  Best wishes.  JB

[Paradigm7]

Thank you both for your response. I am so glad I found this support group! Thank you for the "executor" advice, Linda Marie!

[goingtostopthis]

I can relate to these two stories as well.


                            Ive been having problems with my sister as well. I just moved into a farm house that belongs to my sick Aunt who lives with my mother and sister next door.  My mother sold me on coming here by basically telling me a bunch of half lies in accordance to the what the true situation is here.

                            My sister has been telling all other family members that there was some official agreement made with my Aunt that she would take over all of my Aunts money(which was a lot) and to take over ownership of her 80 acres farm.  I remember the time period this started to happen, it was when my Aunt started getting ill with demensia.

                            I specifically remember talking to my sister over the phone in which she stated that there was no official agreement and that she was just going to go over my Aunts head and sign her name on the deed and take over her finances.  My Aunt during the time she was well before this all happened, specifically told me that she wanted me to have the farm if I wanted it. Both my mother and sister were witness to this but now are denying to my face that this never happened. I was told when I got here that this place belonged to all 3 of us together. I was ok with that and felt this was the right way to go about this,  how ever now my sister is playing a big power trip because she controls the finances to this place and is now claiming this money and other properties belonging to my Aunt as exclusively hers.   Shes got my other family members agreeing with this because as I have just learned,  she has been lying and saying there was an official agreement to this with my Aunt way before she became ill. This is not what happened. As soon as my Aunt ended up in the hospital and developed demenia, my sister told me she was just going to go over her head and deem herself her care taker and put her name on the deed and take over her accounts this including the 80acre farm Im on right now.

                      I understand her having to do this in order to take care of my Aunt, the problem Im having with this is that she put her name on the deed of the house with out putting my name on it as well. This is what my Aunt would have wanted and my sister knows this yet I am ignored.  

                      The funny thing about this is that my sister is all most out of money from my Aunt's account,  she has even paid for her own credit card debts,like 30 thousand, using this money for gas, food and other things non related to the up keep of my Aunt or the animals at this farm. Which Im taking care of now. My Aunt has a building my sister is trying to sell, my sister refers to it as "Her"  building now.  I cant help but take affence to this. Her rational that she is giving everyone in my family is that she has worked for my Aunt at her church and bent over backwards to keep the church going with its payments and such, so much so that she has earned this money as if it were a paycheck.   I cant begin to express how much money there was left in my Aunts account.  Far exceeding any paycheck for what my sister did. Far Exceeding!

                       But the funny thing is again,  is that this farm as a huge property tax. I was led to believe by my mother that this place was secure and that I would have part ownership and I could more or less plan on living here for the rest of my life if I wanted to. I come to find out that we are living on the edge here. My sister is running out of my Aunt money and there is no savings set up to cover this property tax for this year. 8,000 dollars.  My sister doesnt have a job why?  Because she's been coasting on my Aunts money,  money she is now calling hers and using as a power trip over me because I just moved here and natually I dont have a job yet. They sold another building that was apart of my Aunts church before I got here. 100,000 dollars!  My mother told me not to worry , that she would help me pay my bills  when I got here, >  Well I come to find out this money is all ready gone, a portion of it as I stated went for my Aunt, and loan they took out for her care and about 30,000 for my sister's personal credit card bill. There are holes every where as to where the rest of this money went. +Why didnt she put aside a measly 8,000 for the property tax?   Why doesnt she feel she need to get a job and leave my Aunts money soley for my Aunt and the care taking of her farm ?   The pieces dont fit here.  My Aunts surgery and hospital stay was covered completely by her insurrance.                            

                      What's going to possibly happen is that sooner or later she will be out of money and power over me I must add and with no more money there will be no property tax paid, and with that they will have to sell this farm. It looks like I have a real secure future going for me doesnt it?   Im going to get a job and I will agree to pay half the property tax each year with the stipulation that my name will be put on the deed as me having half ownership, and if she says no,  then Im out of here. And if they have to sell, then say la vee... .

                                 Im just bugged and rightfully so. Its the principal of the thing. What is it? Is her life so empty that all she has going for herself is this stupid power tripping saga that shes getting off now hovering over me? Shes not even looking for a job now, Shes hangs around at home half the time and then hangs around here with these 3 dogs watching Dog Tv,  and then shes does an errand here and and errand there, and then! as all of a sudden gotten real productive here at the farm with these major projects of repairs and such,  it just hit me why, I dont know for sure but its because she doesnt have anything else to do, maybe she's assauging her guilt for coasting on someone elses money she's been calling ALL hers.  I dont want it,  Shes stuck now watching it dwindle away with property she thinks is all hers too with a hefty tax to pay on it. If she wants my help I will ask for half ownership.  So maybe I should be dancing my name is not on the deed.  She thinks she really has something over me.  I think she can have it.                                                          

[Linda Maria]

Hi there goingtostopthis!  I have read some of your recent posts, and really feel for you.  Sounds like a real nightmare and you are right in the middle of it, physically as well as emotionally, which I was lucky enough not to be, as my sister lives about an hour away.  From my understanding - I think you are probably better off not being on the deed, as otherwise you would be liable for half the property tax - and I know from my own experience, that you probably will not be able to sort anything out legally with your sister - my sister was so convinced that I was going to screw her over in some way (it wouldn't have been possible even if I was that way inclined - my Mum had a very clear will - 50/50 joint beneficiaries and joint executors).  So neither of us could get away with anything.  But after a while I realised every time I was accused of doing something underhand that I wouldn't have even dreamed of, it was because she was doing it (actually trying to do illegal things to rip me off!) and therefore assumed I was doing it as well!  I uncovered all sorts of things.  You say your sis says there was an official agreement with your Aunt - official implies written down - you need to see a copy of it.  I strongly recommend you take some legal advice and tell them exactly what the position is, what you should do to (a) secure some assets for yourself, (b) check what liabilities go with doing that, and (c) what will be involved to sort this out.  It may be that the battle will be so long and hard it is not worth doing, and better to know now, so you find another way out of this.  You are probably already doing this, but try to get as many of the communications recorded as you can - texts, emails, letters etc.  Keep a diary of what your sister says and when, note the contradictions.  When you get a positive statement try to get a record of it.  I know legal advice can be expensive - think of everyone you know who might know someone who would give you some free advice to start with.  Some companies will do this, here in the UK the Co-Op will give their members quite a lot of free legal advice, and it's free to become a member.  Try to put aside the emotion, make a list of all the people who might be able to help you, think of people who know the truth about your Aunt's wishes and ask them to confirm their understanding of the situation.  You have to start building your case, and be prepared.  The other thing about doing this, is in a weird way (for me anyway) when I started down this route, I felt much more in control, like however bad it was, I was doing something about it, and I had people on my side (solicitor, estate agent etc.) and it would come to an end at some point.  By involving other people, especially professional people, it "exposed" all the lies and mad behaviour - people who aren't involved see what is going on much more clearly than you would think - as Judge Judy says - if it doesn't make sense, it probably isn't true!  (Yes - was watching too much daytime TV yesterday!)  I wish you well, and will keep following your story.

[goingtostopthis]

   There is no written agreement.  It was just verbal and there was never a so called meeting with my Aunt and this other women she lived with who had all this money.  She died early. My sister nuzzled her way in and took over everything. Emotionally I am hurt because my Aunt said to me several times when she was well that she wanted me to have this place too and my sister was present each time. But her way of getting around this is to say "Oh she wasnt in her right mind then, she said this to everybody." Its an insult to my integrity, but Im the youngest and she has all ways been a controlling bully to me. There's nothing I can do legally and I can tell you right now this situation isnt worth it.

                       I do know like I stated before that there is no way Im going to put money into this place, continue working on improvements here and pay half the property tax  if I am not on the deed along side her. Case closed. I am also not going to put myself out to save this place if she is going to continue to put barrier stops up because she is so afraid of change by sitting on her ass doing the same old things ,that with in her neurotic comfort zone. She is so into her Control trip here its incredible. Shes martyred herself into believing that everything is on her back to take care of, the thing is she secretly likes it this way.

                     The problem is that Im here to help her and my mother and Ive all ready done a tremendous amount to ease things for my sister but she cant thank me or show any appreciation what so ever. What's up with that? Its almost as if she wants me to mess up and some how resents the fact that Im doing everything right. I really dont understand this at all. Its so stuck up of her, I dont want to be around her.       

[Linda Maria]

Hi goingtostopthis!  I really feel for you - I felt exactly the same last year.  When my sister really turned on me and started with the slanderous accusations, one of the things that frightened me most was it made me realise that all the stories about all the terrible people doing bad things over the last 20 odd years was also one big lie.  It had always seemed unlikely, and now, suddenly it was happening to me.  Some of the vendettas and dramas have been going on for over 5 years, and I was terrified that I would spend years in legal and emotional wrangles, trying to sort out my Mum's estate, or spending a fortune going to court to get her removed as an executor.  You just want to run a mile.  I think you need to get back some control, and feeling of control.  For me, the way to do that was to talk to a solicitor and see what my options were, and then what was best for me.  I felt like I had taken the first step to getting my life back, I wasn't hiding at home feeling hurt and angry, and like I was going mad.  I was just someone with a very weird problem, but I sure as hell wasn't going to let it - or her - ruin my life.  For you - it's very different, but I would still if you can, try to get some legal advice, free if possible - most solicitors will give you an hour free - just to put the bones of the situation in front of someone and get a feel for the options.  The fact that there is no official agreement is a good thing - your rights are as valid as hers.  The fact you are living there and carrying out responsibilities confers rights also.  But the thing you need to establish is - what is the best outcome you could have in terms of getting some ownership/rights etc. and what does that really mean - if it carries with it massive liabilities, tax etc.  Also - if it means it keeps you tied in this nightmare for ever, you have to think whether it is worth it anyway, or whether you should be planning your exit route now, whatever that might be for you longer term.  Life is too short to spend it fighting with people like this, and I know how it literally can send you mad, ruminating over everything, it just doesn't leave you.  I know I could never own anything legally/jointly with my uBPDsis because she would use it to control me, it could never be a fair sharing, and I would have her in my face all the time about it.  She wouldn't let me control it, she would never agree on anything, I would never have any peace.  It is so much easier said than done, but you have to stop thinking about her, stop worrying about what she will do or say - she can't help herself, think about yourself, find out what your options are, short-terms and longer-term, think about what you really want, and when you get a better sense of that - start working towards those goals.  keep me posted.  Warm wishes.