It's been 2 months since the end of a relationship I was in for about a year. The last 5 months of the r/s were pretty intense, albeit it was not a 'normal' relationship. I say not normal because although we spent time with each other weekly, there was no connection when we were not hanging out with each other - no agreed upon commitment. No interaction in each others independent worlds (ie. friends, family, no mutual goals, etc.). Never the less, I still considered it a relationship as there was intimacy beyond the physical that was experienced and we did see each other regularly.
I am lucky, in some way, as I did maintain an independent life when we were not together. Looking back, I did a lot on my own and continued to build a personal life without him being a part of it. I think that is helping me detach a bit more easily, however, there are still moments when I realize I am not quite at the Freedom stage of detachment:
Freedom: "You've reached this stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. Desire, fear, and hopelessness are deeply embedded in our psyches, and we feel their pull whenever any remnant of attachment exists. We know that we've begun to achieve real detachment in a situation when we can contemplate what's occurring without immediately getting blindsided by these feelings."
In my situation, he left me, or more accurately, he withdrew completely in an immediate manner. No contact, no response, no slow end. He pretty much just disappeared. I don't know exactly why, and can only guess, which has made any sense of closure a bit more difficult. This leads me to one of the last remnants of my attachment to him - pride.
I am in therapy, and have been for about 5 months. Lately, my T has mentioned that some of my comments seem to be related to my pride, which is why I wanted to hash this concept out a bit here.
If, by definition, pride is
"a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people" (Merriam-Webster), I have to agree that my pride was affected. I felt completely disrespected. Another definition of pride is
"a feeling that you are more important or better than other people". This, to me, is a dysfunctional concept.
How does one build their self-respect back up after a break-up without going to the extreme of thinking you are better than others?
I find myself saying or thinking - 'How could he have left such an awesome person who loved him? I'm much better than anyone he will ever meet.' I can hear my friends saying 'you go girl' to that, which is sweet, but not helpful, really. I hear my therapist calling me on those statements, which is helpful, as it makes me realize that it's not that I still want to be with him, but that I still have work to do on my self-respect.
What I'd like to know, regarding the final phase of detachment (Freedom), is what kinds of thoughts, feelings or self-talk would indicate that your pride is not affecting moving on and fully detaching?
