"Ex gf has BPD, mom has BPD tendencies, dad is sociopath", says therapist

[antonio1213]

Don't know if this is even the right place to post this. I have been posting on here about my exBPDgf and our recent break up. I talked to a therapist about my ex, my mom and dad. The therapist is a family therapist and talked to my other family members including my mom. The therapist told me within the first minute of me talking about my exBPDgf that she sounded like she had BPD. (Another therapist had talked to my ex months prior and said she thought she had it, and proscribed Prozac for her depression.) My therapist also told me that my mother had BPD tendencies and my dad sounded like a sociopath (she never met my father but this is just from what she has heard). I totally agree about my dad though, he fits it all.

I won't get into a lot of detail about my family but basically it is a MESS. Both parents are terrible at parenting, multiple divorces etc. etc.

I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar family situation that led them to attract a BPD partner. My exBPDgf looks and acts like my mom. I had to care for my mom because she was too emotional and irrational sometimes to handle things herself and thats maybe why I got with my BPD partner? Was anyone else's BPD partner like one of there crazy parents? My exBPDgf's parents were 27 years apart. Her father was abusive and angry and her mom was brand new to the country and could barley speak english. Does that sound like a recipe for BPD development?

[Mutt]

Neither my P or T would diagnose my ex because she was not present in our sessions. Neither would indulge in personality disorders and my T said it definitely sounds like a mental illness of some type. I'm not a professional and cannot diagnose, I look at traits and behaviors.

You are correct antonio1213. For some members and not all your FOO can lead you to the path of a partner with a personality disorder in life.

[vortex of confusion]

 

When I was in therapy in college, I went to sessions with my parents separately and together. Some of my siblings came once I think. The therapist never said anything about either of my parents having any kind of diagnosis. Her goal was to help me find better ways of problem solving. In the different sessions with my parents, the focus was on finding better ways for me to communicate with them and vice versa. Having said that, my mother and my sister both exhibit BPD traits. My brother has had a diagnosis of bipolar and my other sister has had all sorts of different diagnosis over the years and has been in and out of mental hospitals. My dad has never had any kind of diagnosis but he has definitely had his fair share of trouble with the law. I am sure I could find a label for my dad too as he exhibits some dysfunctional traits as well. And my brother just married a girl that has been diagnosed bipolar as well. They work well together because they are both aware of bipolar and they both know how to handle each other.

I do recognize that my husband is most like my mother. My dad and I have joked about it and have given each other moral support and ideas for coping with the crazy. Is it that I attract people like that or is it that I am most comfortable with people like that because that am what I am used to? I don't know. Really, what matters most is being able to find somebody whose dysfunctions work with yours. 

In my opinion, any therapist that would diagnose somebody without meeting them is not much of a therapist in my opinion. When I was in therapy back in the day, it was all about me and how I could cope and make better decisions.

[Pingo]

Hi Antonio,  I can most definitely relate.  I spent 4 yrs with my ex, he wasn't diagnosed with anything other than an acquired brain injury, BPD is just my own suspicion.  I also think he has PPD in fact this may fit more than BPD.  During the r/s he would give me these crazy silent treatments.  I used to get so upset because that is exactly what my mom used to do.  We went to couple counselling and I brought up that he did this and he said I was being over sensitive because I was being triggered by what I experienced as a child.  Well duh!  Of course I was!  The counsellor was of no help, instead of focusing on this behaviour, she focused on why I felt he was punishing me.  I believe that counsellor made things much, much worse for us.  Things progressively got worse in my marriage, he was so controlling, jealous, suspicious, paranoid, self righteous, judgmental, shaming, abusive with no room for anyone to make mistakes or expressing feelings and such.  One day I woke up and realised 'I'm married to my mother'!  It was a scary thought but then I started to really see how much he was like my mom.  Even my current counsellor agrees.  They are both 'waif-queen/kings'.  And I'm like my Dad, the enabler. 

The great thing about this crazy dysfunctional r/s I just got out of is that it really helped me to learn about abuse and I'm able to see how abused I was by mother.  I feel it's my chance to really process this and heal.  I've spent a lifetime trying to run away and numb the pain.  I really feel this is the big turning point of my entire life.

My ex was brought up in an abusive home.  His Dad drank and beat the crap out of him and his mom.  His mom is dead now and his Dad is still alive.  I do believe that his mental health issues start from this abusive environment.  I think he has PTSD.  But I think I do now too after being with him for 4 yrs.