he went from not helping to actually undoing what I'm doing... is that BPD, too?

[light9]

Weekends are often tough: he makes excuses to stay out late (says its work), misses the usual agreed upon Sat. eve. "family meeting" to discuss expenses or anything that needs addressing and generally does very little of the household chores/yardwork on the weekends.  Not that I leave it all to him, I repaired the driveway(big job), repaired 2 sets of concrete steps and then replaced the soffit in the back side of our home (was damaged from winter ice and the header/joists had mold growth). 

I am learning to not react to his promises of helping out on the weekends and barely doing any of what he committed to, but today, I was off guard when after over a year of him telling me he'd repair the soffit and not doing it,  and then  I bought a bigger ladder so I could reach it(I'm 5'4" and I did the work over several weekends with one last piece to finish... .  today he takes some the soffit down that I had completed and moves the ladder to the opposite side of the house.   Then he comes and gets me to tell me he "finished" the job for me.   

I know its not my imagination... .he seeks out conflict and when I don't take the bait he comes up with something else... .   sometimes unsuccessfully though today I was quite disturbed... .working on the soffit was not easy, washing, painting all the wood and cutting the siding to fit and now I have extra work due to him... .

Is creating conflict a part of BPD or something more?    I have read about other BPD aspects such as distortion, recreating events, projection and can see that in him though how about conflict seeking/creating?    How does one handle this situation?

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[flowerpath]

Been there, light9.   Much of the house and yard work left to me?   Yes.  Dragging a ladder around the yard and painting, sitting on the roof cleaning out gutters, repairing rotten windowsills outside.…and he says to me, “You always have to be the man!”  Huh?     But if I ask him to help with something, he immediately bristles. 

During the early years of our marriage, he stayed out late. Sometimes he was working after hours and sometimes I had no idea where he was.  It was hard to live with. 

He hasn’t undone work on the house, but he leaves food, spills, crumbs, and dirty utensils all over the kitchen counters right after I clean everything and doesn’t go back to clean it up.  He has mowed down plants I was trying to grow…or pulled them right out of the ground.  Whether it’s out of meanness, or just not thinking or caring, or simply not knowing because he works in the yard so little that he doesn’t recognize what’s what… I’ll never know. 

One of the most difficult things for me was the way he always undid what I was trying to accomplish financially.  It was devastating.  For 29 years.  I could not understand it. 

Weekends are the worst here, I think because he is out of his work routine.  He has always had some kind of conflict going on with someone, even outside our home. I used to think he thrived on it, but now I believe it was because of invalidation.   I cannot even count the times at home that conflict has come from seemingly nowhere so fast my head would spin. Or he would turn into a human tornado, leaving me wondering what just happened.  I say that in past tense only because it’s been several months since I’ve seen a hollering, object-throwing fit. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the last one. 

I could not connect the dots before finding BPD Family.  I was just in over my head with work and kids and coping the best that I could with what I could not understand.  Reading the lessons and advice here has helped me to understand what I have lived with all of these years, to be more aware, better at recognizing the signs, and to be more mindful about how I respond.  It’s not easy to always be on the ready.  And sometimes I really mess up.  Sometimes I just Justify, Defend, and Explain on purpose because I get sick and tired of doing everything by the book.   (Don’t take that as advice.)

It’s not easy knowing that this is the way that it is, but just the knowledge and tools I’ve learned here have helped me to not feel powerless over what's going on here.

[waverider]

It’s not easy knowing that this is the way that it is, but just the knowledge and tools I’ve learned here have helped me to not feel powerless over what's going on here.

This is important^

Also dont waste too much time trying to assign a logical explanation to everything, you just end up making assumptions and going down the wrong track. sometimes its easier to just go huh? scratch your head and move on.

My problem is I get virtually nil help around the house. Trying to get her to do so was like trying to teach a duck to bark. I just wasted my time, got nowhere except frustrated. maybe as we go further down the track that may change, but right now I find it easier being in charge of everything.

The only problem is when you have so much on your plate you get stuck in a limbo state, and do nothing (except come here and make post, like now  ) as nothing seems to have priority.

[light9]

Thank you for your replies, flowerpath and waverider!  It helps to know that there are people who can related to what I am experiencing!

Flowerpath, sounds like our BPDh have much behavior in common; in the early years of our marriage he would stay out until the wee

hours and I'd be home worrying that something had happened to him... .but the frequency lead me to eventually shutting that off.   Having your financial efforts undermined is hard; I've had a couple of part time businesses from the home and he's been quick to tear me down about them and even criticize me that I'm a failure (even when the bus. turned a profit)   So the next business I'm starting, I am not going to tell him about it and work it when he is not around.   

Him seeking conflict is the hardest aspect for me to deal with.  He doesn't seem to tire of it eventhough he will swear that he hates conflict.  If a day or two has been rather smooth I have learned that is when he will start something.   I have been in survival mode for 20 years trying to give my daughter as normal a life as possible... .is that possible?  I feel like I've been living in the twilight zone.    Most of my time has going into dealing with both our health issues and my daughter had learning challenges that required me to tutor her daily for years and a long search for therapies.  Fortunately, it helped her a lot and she has started college this year.  Hence, my focus now is healing my health issues and retraining myself so that I can become financially self-supporting.  It is the hope that I can be free of the abuse that keeps me going.

Thanks for the advice, waverider; I think I spent far too many years trying to figure out what was wrong and why... .years before learning about BPD.   Spent years trying to help him; I do not believe that he is ever going to get help.  Though I have to admit I still can't help wondering why he doesn't spend even a little energy improving our lives, household or just wanting some peace and harmony.   I agree that it does simplify even though it is more work to be in charge of everything though that is what I have been doing also.  The problem for me arises when there is a joint decision such as his employee health benefit package is up for renewal... .he has two weeks to get it done and he already made himself scarce last weekend so now we are down to 10 days... .   There have been quite a few years that he won't discuss it until the night it is due, 11pm and he has  to enter it online by midnight... .way too much stress for me!   Is there something about having BPD that one seeks to raise their adrenaline/cortisol levels?   Could it be that he is getting a positive feeling from an adrenaline rush or something like that where as I find it draining?

[waverider]

Delaying responsibilities is normal. Its delusional thinking that the impossible is possible, and no real concept of timeframe. ":)o it later/tommorrow". Then it is someone elses problem when its not done

[peiper]

Weekends are often tough: he makes excuses to stay out late (says its work), misses the usual agreed upon Sat. eve. "family meeting" to discuss expenses or anything that needs addressing and generally does very little of the household chores/yardwork on the weekends.  Not that I leave it all to him, I repaired the driveway(big job), repaired 2 sets of concrete steps and then replaced the soffit in the back side of our home (was damaged from winter ice and the header/joists had mold growth). 

I am learning to not react to his promises of helping out on the weekends and barely doing any of what he committed to, but today, I was off guard when after over a year of him telling me he'd repair the soffit and not doing it,  and then  I bought a bigger ladder so I could reach it(I'm 5'4" and I did the work over several weekends with one last piece to finish... .  today he takes some the soffit down that I had completed and moves the ladder to the opposite side of the house.   Then he comes and gets me to tell me he "finished" the job for me.   

I know its not my imagination... .he seeks out conflict and when I don't take the bait he comes up with something else... .   sometimes unsuccessfully though today I was quite disturbed... .working on the soffit was not easy, washing, painting all the wood and cutting the siding to fit and now I have extra work due to him... .

Is creating conflict a part of BPD or something more?    I have read about other BPD aspects such as distortion, recreating events, projection and can see that in him though how about conflict seeking/creating?    How does one handle this situation?

My enBPDw thrived on chaos, no matter what I tried to do to avert it I could see the train coming down the track right at me. I'm very impressed you did all those things yourself,  well done!

[light9]

Hello waverider and peiper,  Thanks for responding, I'm still very new at this and I definitely can benefit from your perspectives.

I'm still learning about what BPD is and appreciate your input, waverider, about what BPD is.

And thank you, peiper, for the validation and compliment about the home repairs... .BPDh doesn't acknowledge what I do and it is really nice to receive an accolade now and then.   Was there anything you discovered that resulted in decreasing the frequency of the trains or lessening the intensity?

[formflier]

 

Figure out something you will say when he "finishes" things for you... and kinda stick with it. 

"I appreciate your efforts... .and we coordinate them better next time... ."  this assumes you want to make this better... .but opens up possibility of argument and conflict.

Or if this isn't a big deal... ."Thank you for your efforts... ."... and move along.

The key is... that you don't want to "bite" on the argument.

I'm a bit of the opposite in my house... .

I would get harassed... .cussed at... .to fix things.  I'm actually pretty handy... .and enjoy doing the work... .I don't enjoy the chaos of things everywhere... .moving tools... .having an uncontrolled project.

I actually would be working on what she asked me to work on... .and be cussed about why something else wasn't done... .it was very hurtful and triggering to me.

I made the core value choice to step away from doing projects and working around the house.  If she's pissed about it... .she fixes it.  Or hires someone... .the dramatic reduction in conflict allowed us to work on other things.

Someday... .I want to get back into it.   I kinda had to the other night... .when a  baby toy went down the toilet.  I "advised" her and older teenager how to pull toilet... .but it became obvious that the toy wouldn't come out.

I got hand truck... .took it with teenager around back of house.  Got 4000 psi pressure washer fired up.   Inserted gun in backside (down side) of toilet... .pulled trigger... .toy is out.  Teenager and wife both impressed... .

Then... there was drama hooking it back up because washers were lost when they took it off... .sigh... .

[peiper]

 

Hello waverider and peiper,  Thanks for responding, I'm still very new at this and I definitely can benefit from your perspectives.

I'm still learning about what BPD is and appreciate your input, waverider, about what BPD is.

And thank you, peiper, for the validation and compliment about the home repairs... .BPDh doesn't acknowledge what I do and it is really nice to receive an accolade now and then.   Was there anything you discovered that resulted in decreasing the frequency of the trains or lessening the intensity?

I'm not the one to ask.  I got divorced.

[Moselle]

I got hand truck... .took it with teenager around back of house.  Got 4000 psi pressure washer fired up.   Inserted gun in backside (down side) of toilet... .pulled trigger... .toy is out.  Teenager and wife both impressed.

This is hilarious

I'm glad it was only the truck that came unstuck LOL