Personal Target of my BPD SIL

[BuddyBuddy]

I'm relatively new here, although I've been dealing with my BPD sister in law for over eight years.  My SIL has chosen to make me her personal target for all of her angry energy and wants to hate me with a burning passion.  When we first married our husbands (brothers), I admit I was naive and probably judgemental.  That is when she decided to hate me, but being BPD and delusional, she convinced herself of things I did to her that I never did.  She also made everything in our lives a competition, particularly having babies.  We had babies around the same time AND the same genders and she had to ruin every pregnancy for me in some way.  Over the years I grew up and matured, went to therapy (because of her) where I learned she most likely has BPD (and Narcissistic PD), I tried various ways to make amends and try to make a better relationship.  Each time I tried, she would run to our other mutual SIL and complain about me to her.  It became a point of obsession for her, she would criticize anything she could about me.  It almost seems like the longer we go without even talking, the more she hates me. 

She lives in another state, but is visiting now because our husbands mother is dying from cancer.  I made up my mind to stop being fearful of her reactions and just try to have a generic conversation, congratulating her for her latest pregnancy.  She responded seemingly positively, but ignored me the rest of the time.  I was okay with it since I felt I had made my effort.  I even thought maybe she was coming around.  But a few days later she texted our other SIL that because of me and my family, her kids were sick.  That is nothing new, she almost always accuses us of getting her kids sick when they visit.  But after speaking with our other SIL for awhile, I learned how much my BPD SIL really still hates me. 

The problem for me is that I am almost fascinated with her behavior since it is so strange for me and it helps me to talk about her to others to kind of work it out for myself.  But my husband refuses to listen to anything about her.  He wants to just say 'she's just crazy!' like that is the end of it and there is nothing else to it.  He can't understand that talking about her helps me to sort out my feelings of being attacked for the last 8 years.  I kind of feel like no one understands why I haven't just 'let it go' and just get over it.  It's more like an obsession to figure it out and how to deal with it and I'm not sure what to do.  Now I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it so I have no one to talk to. 

[jdtm]

It's more like an obsession to figure it out and how to deal with it and I'm not sure what to do.  Now I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about it

I so get this.  My SIL hated me for over four decades (lots of experience here) and I tried and tried and tried - to no avail.  You are not going to win and probably will never understand her.  Others are sick of hearing about it (and that also refers to others hearing her bad-mouth you).

My advice - follow your husband's lead.  Never say anything negative about your SIL even if that means saying nothing.  Giving her ammunition is exactly what she wants - so give her none.  One cannot make sense of the senseless and this was a very difficult concept for me to understand.  And if you need to vent or "talk to someone", come here and vent and talk and complain.  I so wish I was able to "let go" years and years ago - it would have saved me a lot of pain, agony and frankly time spent on trying to understand her.  Simply put - she did not deserve my time or caring or sympathies.  I wish I had spent my time and caring and compassion on those who deserved it.  All the best ... .

[Edgewood]

Hi, BuddyBuddy.

I did this for years with my aunt (and kids), who had simply decided to hate me.  I can understand, too, wanting to find a reason for her behavior.  I learned that people who want to be mad at you, dislike you, demonize you, etc will do just that, regardless of your actions.  You will drive yourself crazy looking for a reason.

The only defense is to learn not to obsess over it.  I promise, you will get some relief when you are able to stop concerning yourself with her opinion of you.  What other people think of you isn't even your business, let alone your responsibility to change.  YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW.  So, the other SIL who told you about the text and their conversation is doing you a tremendous disservice by passing the information on to you.  Ask her to stop telling you this stuff.

You have the support of your husband in this.  It doesn't sound like the entire family is taking sides against you.  Nobody seems to be implying that you have to get along with her for the benefit of the family. She lives in a different state, so she doesn't have to have much impact on your life.  At this point, your biggest problem is your "fascination" with what she thinks of you.  This isn't worth your mental and emotional energy; find something else to occupy your thoughts.

Good luck!

[funfunctional]

Hi there,

I get the whole target thing.    I have been the target of two BPDs in my life so I totally get it. 

I agree with the "you're not going to win".    And I agree too that others are probably sick of hearing her talk about you.   

My opinion is to make her invisible.    Poof! Gone!    This is no political contest and quite frankley she can say what she wants and if you say nothing she will bury herself.    What she says is most important to you but most other people don't care.

Funny thing is these people often turn it around and accuse the other person of leading a smear campaign or some other BS like that.    My BPD MIL when I first moved into my new community... .moved my kids... .my whole LIFE and she bashed me calling me an alcoholic,  con-artist... .the list goes on.  Serious nasty awful lying stuff.     She is no contact with us by our choice.   

My sister has been bad mouthing me for years and BPD sister feeling she needs to show everyone I am a bad person.    No idea why this is important to her.     I think it is a jealousy issue but simply can't be bothered anymore.  This will be the first time ever that I won't spend any holidays with her.  Asta La Vista Baby! 

Hang in there and just realize she is insignificant and will never be your friend.  You can't trust her.  Walk away.     Head held high.   Don't play into the nonsense that she is creating.

Best of luck!

[BuddyBuddy]

Thanks for the validation.  I am trying really hard to rise above it all and just not talk about it.  I can totally do it when she's not in town.  But when she is it almost consumes me, even though I would love for it to not.  The problem is that we live in my in-laws basement right now and since my MIL is dying of cancer, they are over here all the time.  I can avoid her easily, but my kids love her kids and vice versa.  I feel bad cutting them out too when they won't understand the situation.  But since she is here she has now openly accused us (for the third time) of getting her kids sick.  So if I just let my kids play with her kids I'm worried they will be hurt by her.  My husband doesn't want to ever see their family again and once my MIL passes away, we probably won't.  I kind of feel sad that my kids won't ever see their cousins again who they like so much.  Is this crazy of me?  Should I just write them out of our lives and not look back?

[Louise7777]

Hi BuddyBuddy!

I understand your frustration. Like you, I was very concerned on why I was chosen a target by one of my uBPD relatives, why I was invisible for another one, why this other sadistic person manipulated others to gang up on me... .I concluded I was "sending some vulnerability vibe" that made me a target. By vulnerable I mean honest, empathic and reasonable. And not many boundaries also.

Of course being vulnerable doesnt make you a target if you deal with normal people. But its a whole another story when you deal with uPDs. Also, I think there´s a lot of jealousy going on, and competition. Maybe she was the center of the family, she got all the attention until you showed up. I believe they see people as competitors and are always trying to be the best one. Somehow, we are a menace to that. I suggest you dont engage in that, her feelings are hers and you have nothing to do with that.

I dont know your kid´s ages and its sad for them to loose touch with their siblings, but given their mom´s attitude, you should protect them from her... .

[funfunctional]

I understand Buddy Buddy as my BPD sister has two kids that my kids love.  So you are right that this is unfair to the kids.  What are the choices here?   I try to say little but said to my kids well maybe on x-mas you will see your cousins.   But to be forced to be around someone destructive and unpleasant for the kids sake is not worth it.  My kids are more into their friends now anyways.

Good luck!