Worried: Suddenly affectionate again

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So after 7 months of nothing my BPDbf decided to kiss me again and has become more affectionate in general.  Even gave me a very nice gift on Friday that shows how well he knows my personal taste.  I've only been getting hugs since our huge argument in April about him sneaking around with the alcoholic tart he idealizes.  Keep in mind that hardly a day goes by that we don't see each other.

This new development has me worried.  I've heard that captors become friendlier towards their hostages once they know they are going to kill them.  I'm wondering if he is being more affectionate because trouble is around the corner?  His behaviour has been a bit off lately in general.  

Recently I have been very busy with work and only saw him 3 days out of 14.  The Sunday before last I was free again to spend the day with him.  He didn't react in the way I expected.  For a start he went ahead and  made other plans for that evening so we only had the afternoon and very early evening together.  He had promised me lunch at a restaurant in a nearby village.  That didn't happen and he literally just drove through the place with me.  Furtermore, he drove very fast on a bumpy country road and that went on for about 30 minutes even though he knew I was already in a lot of pain due to severe menstrual problems and knew it would be hours before I could take more of the very strong medication I was on.  It seemed so sadistic.  When I mentioned it on Wednesday, I noticed a little smile in the corner of his mouth.  Like he enjoyed that he had caused me pain (I had to spend the rest of that Sunday afternoon in bed).  He insisted that I stay at his place while he carried on with his day.

Last week he was out of town for work.  Gets back on Friday and suddenly he is affectionate and hands me the nice gift.  Could his abandonment issues be at play here as we have spend very little time together the past 3 weeks?  Or is he up to something?  The holidays are around the corner and I know his fantasy is going to be coming to town.  I noticed that he must have been looking at a photo of her again over the past weekend (long story, trust me I know when he's been looking at it).

I should be pleased that things finally seem to be back on track, but instead I am completely paranoid and dreading the holidays.  My gut tells me that I am being warmed up for a whole lot of pain to come.  :'(

Does this sound familiar?

[Perdita]

So after 7 months of nothing my BPDbf decided to kiss me again and has become more affectionate in general.  Even gave me a very nice gift on Friday that shows how well he knows my personal taste.  I've only been getting hugs since our huge argument in April about him sneaking around with the alcoholic tart he idealizes.  Keep in mind that hardly a day goes by that we don't see each other.

This new development has me worried.  I've heard that captors become friendlier towards their hostages once they know they are going to kill them.  I'm wondering if he is being more affectionate because trouble is around the corner?  His behaviour has been a bit off lately in general.  

Recently I have been very busy with work and only saw him 3 days out of 14.  The Sunday before last I was free again to spend the day with him.  He didn't react in the way I expected.  For a start he went ahead and  made other plans for that evening so we only had the afternoon and very early evening together.  He had promised me lunch at a restaurant in a nearby village.  That didn't happen and he literally just drove through the place with me.  Furtermore, he drove very fast on a bumpy country road and that went on for about 30 minutes even though he knew I was already in a lot of pain due to severe menstrual problems and knew it would be hours before I could take more of the very strong medication I was on.  It seemed so sadistic.  When I mentioned it on Wednesday, I noticed a little smile in the corner of his mouth.  Like he enjoyed that he had caused me pain (I had to spend the rest of that Sunday afternoon in bed).  He insisted that I stay at his place while he carried on with his day.

Last week he was out of town for work.  Gets back on Friday and suddenly he is affectionate and hands me the nice gift.  Could his abandonment issues be at play here as we have spend very little time together the past 3 weeks?  Or is he up to something?  The holidays are around the corner and I know his fantasy is going to be coming to town.  I noticed that he must have been looking at a photo of her again over the past weekend (long story, trust me I know when he's been looking at it).

I should be pleased that things finally seem to be back on track, but instead I am completely paranoid and dreading the holidays.  My gut tells me that I am being warmed up for a whole lot of pain to come.  :'(

Does this sound familiar?

[Samuel S.]

Your gut feeling says it all. He is like a faucet that can change from cold water to hot water at a moment's notice and based on his moods and whatever else is going on in his life outside from you. Just this last weekend, I saw a movie with Timothy Hutton and Meg Ryan. He portrays a husband who is having an affair and is about to leave his wife. He tells her what is going on, and she literally straps masking tape around him. Of course, he tries every way to convince her to let him go, the nice way, the angry way. Eventually, the girl friend arrives, and also a robber arrives with his friends to vandalize their home. While the plot is convoluted, going back to you, your BPD is baffling and has other intentions, be it his greed or pain like you said.

My BPDw can be very kind, but turn like a faucet just as easily as your BPDw.

To be on guard is the best way to be with your BPD. He has to develop your trust, if he is genuine, and your guess is as good as mine, if he is.

All you can do is to be aware of how he is and for you to do those things that support and love yourself! Only time will tell, if this change is genuine or not. The best of luck to you, my friend!

[peiper]

Looking back at all the Times my ex BPD was overly nice was undoubtedly after she had just spent time with the airline pilot she was cheating on me with. I think it assuaged the guilt she felt for being a lying Tramp.

[Lucky One]

I know a lot of people do it, but I really do not see the point of staying with someone who is continually cheating. To me this is a very clear boundary.

Why do those being cheated on, stay ... .if only to be hurt some more?

It's detaching that's so hard to do, especially if one has been in the relationship for some time.

But we need to be aware, that a better future, with or without someone else, could just be around the corner.

Undecided - Staying or Leaving - that's the big decision to make, for us!

[peiper]

I know a lot of people do it, but I really do not see the point of staying with someone who is continually cheating. To me this is a very clear boundary.

Why do those being cheated on, stay ... .if only to be hurt some more?

It's detaching that's so hard to do, especially if one has been in the relationship for some time.

But we need to be aware, that a better future, with or without someone else, could just be around the corner.

Undecided - Staying or Leaving - that's the big decision to make, for us!

Been divorced since June.  I didn't even know she was cheating until after she had moved out.

[Perdita]

He is like a faucet that can change from cold water to hot water at a moment's notice and based on his moods and whatever else is going on in his life outside from you.

Those sudden changes are what kills me.  On more than one occassion in the past he has gone from telling me he loves me one day to telling me he feels nothing for me the next.  It's also the tone in his voice when he says it, like he is speaking to a stupid child.  It's a constant roller coaster ride.

The best of luck to you, my friend!

Thank you and the same to you, Samuel.

Looking back at all the Times my ex BPD was overly nice was undoubtedly after she had just spent time with the airline pilot she was cheating on me with. I think it assuaged the guilt she felt for being a lying Tramp.

This is exactly why I am worried.  In his case he is usually nice before he does something bad and is very self-righteous afterwards. Feels like I'm on death row and he's serving me my last meal right now.

I know a lot of people do it, but I really do not see the point of staying with someone who is continually cheating. To me this is a very clear boundary.

I guess in my case it is because he hasn't cheated sexually yet, but I know it is only because he is so insecure when it comes to that.  He has one sided emotional affairs and the biggest problem involves a gold digger that manipulates him to no end.  She's been working on him for years, helping him empty his wallet on her.  I don't know if that will ever end.  I don't think I can take one more blow in this regard and he probably senses that too. It explains why he is suddenly affectionate again.  I think he wants to strengthen the bond with me so that it will be harder for me to walk away for good when the next load of crap gets tossed at me.

[Lucky One]

But we need to be aware, that a better future, with or without someone else, could just be around the corner.

Been divorced since June.  I didn't even know she was cheating until after she had moved out.

Sorry that you had to experience this.

So many of us members have been hurt, in this and in other ways by our partners.

Wish you only the very best, for the future. And I hope you find someone genuine, one day that appreciates you, for who you are.

Best of luck.

[Aussie0zborn]

What I find worrying more than anything is that sadistic little smile when you tell them they hurt you. From my experience, I would suggest its an indicator of what's to come. Go with your gut feeling and run as fast as you can. Ignoring the red flags doesn't make them go away.

[Indyan]

I think it assuaged the guilt she felt for being a lying Tramp.

I think you've provided me with the explanation as to why BPDh came back home suddenly.

He felt guilty that I suddenly tried to pay for our rent myself, knowing I have no income.

Pfff... .they are really sick people 

[Indyan]

Feels like I'm on death row and he's serving me my last meal right now.

Oh Lord, that made me shiver 

[Perdita]

The other shoe dropped last night and the reason for the sudden affection has now become clear.  

He casually informed me last night (after I cooked him and his friend a top notch dinner, mind you) that he will be going away tomorrow. He apparently has "business" in the small town were that gold-digging tart now lives.  I have become quite familiar with where he travels for business.  He has tried to fool me before by mentioning that he's been there in the past on "business".  Approximately 1200 clients.  I have the names and locations of them all. Not even ONE lives in that town.  He is making the 10 hour drive there and back.

The cherry on the icing is that I checked his web browser history and he has regularly been going to porn sites and watching porn that matches her physical description.  Coincidence? I doubt it.

To make it worse, she will soon be here for the holidays and living under the same roof as him (I wrote before about how he lives in one of her family's homes despite having his own house).

So there it finally is then.  The true reason for the sudden affection.  He has clearly been planning this for a while and the past week in particularly he has made a point of trying to deceive me into believing that he hasn't the faintest clue about what's been going on in her life. Yet I know that he must have been phoning her regularly to make arrangements.

[Perdita]

Thought I'd share some of the little tell tale signs that he is lying about it being a "business" trip.  This is an excellent example of how BPD people lie.  To outsiders these probably seem insignificant, but that is only because they don't live with this constantly the way we all do.

The latest signs:

I spoke to him last night at midnight.  He stuck to his story about having to leave at 6 in the morning to be there on time for his business meeting. 

At exactly 10 in the morning I get a message from him that he just arrived at his destination.  It's a 4 hour drive, so this makes perfect sense.

Exactly an hour later (11) he calls and tells me that he has been sitting there since 9 waiting for the meeting to start.  Huh?  How could he be waiting from 9 if he only got there at 10? I say nothing. 

He then goes on to moan and complain about how he "rushed like mad" to leave at 5 in the morning so he would make it on time for the 9 'o clock meeting.  Eh... .why is it that all of yesterday right up to midnight he told me he was leaving at 6?  Did he get a call after midnight to say he had to leave an hour earlier?  I doubt it.

The next part is so predictable.  Since - according to him - the meeting is already running 2 hours late, he will begin his drive back home at least 2 hours later than he originally planned.

WHY do they think we are so stupid. Do they really think we can't see through the lies?  He is obviously not there on business and only there to meet up with his sleazy fantasy girl (btw, why do they like low lives so much?)

I am now just waiting for the call to say that the meeting started so late that he might as well sleep over for the night!  If he does, I plan on casually suggesting that he might as well spend the weekend there.

I have now decided to start accepting invitations to spend time with other guys.  It is not about teaching him a lesson.  giving him a taste of his own medicine.  Well, maybe a little bit    What it is really about for me is making him less important in my life.  I can't handle building so much of my life and emotions around someone who clearly doesn't value me.  I don't really want to spend time with other guys, but I feel it is time to become more active about breaking the "bond" with this guy.  Nothing is ever going to change for the better and every time this sleazy girl comes to town I will get tossed aside like yesterday's trash.  I'm too old to invest in this crap any longer.

[Samuel S.]

Perdita, you are perfectly within your right to first doubt this guy, and you are perfectly within your right to do things that you want to do. Yeah, your BPD's lies are very evident and frankly disheartening. He clearly has intimacy issues. It is good that you are taking care of yourself by relating to people who can be friendly, trustworthy, and honest, all of these signs which he clearly is not.

[Perdita]

Yeah, your BPD's lies are very evident and frankly disheartening. He clearly has intimacy issues. It is good that you are taking care of yourself by relating to people who can be friendly, trustworthy, and honest, all of these signs which he clearly is not.

Thank you, Samuel.  This board has been a huge help to me in getting things out, venting, seeing things clearer.  I've seen so many people on here who have been living this hell for decades.  I wonder how different things might have been for them if they had this resource a long time ago. 

Well, he did come back today from his trip.  So he didn't stay over, but I know it is only because he feared that all hell would break out if he did.

Again the lies about stupid things.  Telling me over the phone on his way back about where he had lunch.  I checked online and the restaurant does not have a franchise in that town or it most certainly would have been on their website's list!  Again I didn't bother to point this out to him.

I went over to see him.  Two miserable hours for me.  Feeling very uncomfortable. 

I was being all "mature" and didn't say anything about him going out there.  Then we get in his car. 

Sign #1: the passenger seat has been adjusted and I know from past experience it was in her position.  Then I notice a towl on the floor on the passenger side.  He said it was because it had rained through to the floor.  True, I've been telling him about this for ages, but he never cared.  Clearly her precious little feet couldn't be allowed to get wet like mine does!

Sign #2: he put on the music in his car and the song he has on loop is one that reminds him of her!  He told me this a year ago and clearly has forgotten that he did.  So we drive to that damn tune and it makes me sick knowing that he is obviously still on a high from seeing the cheap tart. I don't know the name of the song or artist.  Interestingly it is about girls who are arrogant and have too high an opinion of themselves.     Exactly how she is. 

What really made me sick is that he asked me several times if I was OK and said that I look like I have a tummy ache!  Even caressed my leg and asked "Are you OK?"  I find this possibly the cruelest part of all.  Pretending that he doesn't know why I was so quiet and not myself.

I left early and told him that I will see him on Sunday afternoon as we have work related stuff to wrap up.  He said "Oh but we'll see each other before Sunday."  I said "No, I have work I want to get done".  Then he commented that I look "tired" and better get some rest and we'll talk later.

I put his number on my reject list.  I will talk to him on Sunday so we can get the work out of the way.  After that I really just want time to focus on myself.

It is a slow process.  there are little things I have been doing to help harden my heart.  For instance,  when I think of him I don't use his name in my thoughts.  Instead I think of him as "as*h*le" and much worse.  Might sound like nothing, but over a period of months something like that does add up and it has helped me.

Thanks for listening.