I think it worked...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was here some days ago posting how my BPD ex came around offering birthday gifts and asking to be friends after 4 mos NC.  I, of course, refused her parly out of not wanting to go back to the dysfunction, but mostly out of anger for her and the very thought that she felt she could just show up like nothing (cheating, devaluing) happened.  While she was in my presence, I threatened her by saying I would find my replacement and let him know she is attempting to recycle and/or triangulate he and I. 

I also ripped into her (hurt & angry) and told her she made a decision to leave and she was going to stick with it whether she wanted to or not.  I kept repeating my intent to let her "new man" know she was trying to recycle, if she didn't leave me alone. I told her, "I know he doesn't know you are here".  Admittedly, I lost my cool when she showed up (unannounced) and I gave her the attention (negative) that she wanted.  I did not know they thrive from negative attention too! I was upset with myself for breaking NC, but I have since resumed.

I think my tactic of threatening to tell my replacement has worked, as I have not heard from her since.  I was/am aware that she only came around looking to get her needs met in some way, but since I didn't bite, rejected her and sent her on her way with her gifts, she has found it somewhere else, or with the replacement.  I'm not clear on what need she had at the time, but I suspect(ed) her new relationship was on life support.  I'm sure after I rejected her, she ran back to him.  I have continued to read the archives on these boards as I still am in the process of detaching, and it gets a little easier each day.

NC is effortless but I am very curious as to whether she has given up recycling (once) based on the fact that I have called her out on her behaviour and what I now know about BPD.  She has no clue that I have been reading up on this disorder, but I know she is thrown off by my knowledge of her actions (recycle, triangulate) and why she does them.

Any comments or thoughts on threatening to tell the replacement, if it has worked, are appreciated.  Also, to what extent does resuming NC affect them after a recycle attempt?

I know I tripped up and gave her some attention and I'm thinking that is why she has not been back.  I am aware of the whole "focus on yourself thing and don't worry about her", but I have questions anyway.

P.S. I would NEVER waste my time tracking him down to actually tell him, but I wanted her to think I would... .

[VistaView]

I was here some days ago posting how my BPD ex came around offering birthday gifts and asking to be friends after 4 mos NC.  I, of course, refused her parly out of not wanting to go back to the dysfunction, but mostly out of anger for her and the very thought that she felt she could just show up like nothing (cheating, devaluing) happened.  While she was in my presence, I threatened her by saying I would find my replacement and let him know she is attempting to recycle and/or triangulate he and I. 

I also ripped into her (hurt & angry) and told her she made a decision to leave and she was going to stick with it whether she wanted to or not.  I kept repeating my intent to let her "new man" know she was trying to recycle, if she didn't leave me alone. I told her, "I know he doesn't know you are here".  Admittedly, I lost my cool when she showed up (unannounced) and I gave her the attention (negative) that she wanted.  I did not know they thrive from negative attention too! I was upset with myself for breaking NC, but I have since resumed.

I think my tactic of threatening to tell my replacement has worked, as I have not heard from her since.  I was/am aware that she only came around looking to get her needs met in some way, but since I didn't bite, rejected her and sent her on her way with her gifts, she has found it somewhere else, or with the replacement.  I'm not clear on what need she had at the time, but I suspect(ed) her new relationship was on life support.  I'm sure after I rejected her, she ran back to him.  I have continued to read the archives on these boards as I still am in the process of detaching, and it gets a little easier each day.

NC is effortless but I am very curious as to whether she has given up recycling (once) based on the fact that I have called her out on her behaviour and what I now know about BPD.  She has no clue that I have been reading up on this disorder, but I know she is thrown off by my knowledge of her actions (recycle, triangulate) and why she does them.

Any comments or thoughts on threatening to tell the replacement, if it has worked, are appreciated.  Also, to what extent does resuming NC affect them after a recycle attempt?

I know I tripped up and gave her some attention and I'm thinking that is why she has not been back.  I am aware of the whole "focus on yourself thing and don't worry about her", but I have questions anyway.

P.S. I would NEVER waste my time tracking him down to actually tell him, but I wanted her to think I would... .

[Mutt]

Hi VistaView,

Negative attention is still attention.

I'm sorry to hear that your feeling hurt and angry. I'm not sure that I would advise telling her relationship recycling or triangulation. She's mentally ill and is likely not very self aware of her actions and behaviors.

I understand the pain. A way to stop giving her attention and focusing on yourself is by disengaging. You say you have read the archives and NC is relatively easy.

While going through the archives have you checked the 5 stages of detachment on the right of the board?

That being said. NC is easy for you and your talking to her about going to the replacement (bluffing) Do you feel anger? resentment? An attempt at retaliating against her?

I understand that her actions and invalidations and cheating and her asking to be friends has to sting. Work through those emotions and disengage. You're going through enough already and it'll make it easier on yourself.

I'm sorry her actions hurt VistaView.

[VistaView]

@Mutt...

I have read the 5 stages.  I am wondering if me threatening to tell my replacement that she is attempting to triangulate and or recycle is what made her finally stay away.  As I said, I just wanted her to think that I would, I had no intention of actaully doing it.  I am moving away from being hurt and angry everyday.  I kinda regret letting loose on her as I feel it has set me back a bit emotionally, and I am working on that too. 

I am trying very hard to rmember she is mentally ill and NOT aware of her actions.  I don't want to relaliate against her, to me, it would be childish.  I guess what I really want to know is... .

1) Will my threat make her stay away?

2) What effect does my resuming NC have on her now that I have rejected her? 

My initial NC really bothered her, as she admitted as much when she showed up unannounced 2 weeks ago.

[Aussie JJ]

VV,

We all feed on emotion in relationships.  Anything that you give her emotion wise is going to give her somethign to triangulate.  It will trigger all of those thoughts and get her defenses back up. 

Just accept that it will die down with time and know that you can be proud that you are not doing these things yourself. 


AJJ. 

[VistaView]

Aussie... You're right.  My attention, coupled with my reaction gave her all that she needed tol triangulate, even in the smallest way.  She received it and took it back to her relationship with the assurance that I am somehow still attached to her.  I get that part now... .I met her immediate need!  Clever people they are!

It WILL die down soon, but will my resuming NC again have an effect on her now?

Will my threat have the effect that I was looking for?

[Mutt]

Hi VistaView,

She is mentally ill with poor personal boundaries and a lack of understanding other peoples boundaries. She will get the picture if you defend your boundaries. As Aussie JJ said. It will fizzle out. Detach and work through your feelings and what behaviors belong to you in no contact.

[VistaView]

@Mutt... So you're saying she will appear on my doorstep again despite what has happened?

[Mutt]

I can't predict another persons actions. What I am saying is I can predict my own. Let go. Take care of you.

[VistaView]

You are right... .Thank you for the insight.