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Author Topic: My Twin has BPD.  (Read 1385 times)
Murray-Rose

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« on: November 03, 2014, 06:23:25 PM »

 

I've enjoyed reading BPD Family very much. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am 46y.o. 3 years ago I told my same-sex and same-age Sibling I will have No Contact for 5 years. This was so I could heal and so our Parents and 3 Siblings would have the chance to see us separately. My goal was for the Twin problems of "It's just The Girls fighting again" thinking to become separated so the Real Situation would be seen.

I reintroduced contact a month ago as I had discovered wonderful information about Twin Psychology and felt seeing a Twins Psychologist would help heal each of us. Unfortunately another painful topic (there's so many!) arose. I had set a Personal Limit of only discussing these topics with a Psychologist. Of course my Sister could not control her massive n over reactive pain response. She wrote destructive emails. Again.

I have decided no personal contact again until we're 60yo. Polite n Friendly at the rare Family Gatherings but that's it. I have asked her Not to go around to each of our Family Members and vilify me (again)... .but I doubt she'll respect that. I asked each of them 3 years ago to base their relationship with me in learning to know me better and not on her descriptions of me... .one's where she is trying to get me alienated from the family. It's my turn now... .she did it to our Parents for 15 years but now she's best friends with them again... .!

Unfortunately she finds it easy to do this as geographically we are spread around the country. It has been better the past 3 years but our Family still doesn't See the inconsistencies for themselves so they aren't fully convinced. It makes healing for her and foe us Difficult. I had 15years dealing with her on my own. One sibling has now seen n has broken contact as much as possible also. We now have a trusting relationship as she lived in the same town n could see all for herself.

I find the Villianising the Most Painful. The Family Ignorance furthers it. Of course my telling the Family I believe it's BPD causes my sick Sister to get Stuck Into Me... .!

Being her Twin (I was born first) has made it worse I believe. Being lumped in with her physically and reputationally has been Dreadfull.

I have a Wonderful Self-Made Family now.  Smiling (click to insert in post) They have loved me through the Worst. I have a pretty good relationship with one Brother as well... .so I now have 2 Siblings I can trust to Love Me for Who I Am and who trust me to Love them  Smiling (click to insert in post). The other Brother n our Parents are her Targets at the moment (telling them her victim stories n getting them to defend her etc etc etc etc etc). I hope in 5 years time they will See For Themselves. It certainly takes time.

Are there more information sites with help with the suffering of Siblings of BPD... .especially Twin Siblings? For I have lived every moment of my life with BPD... .except the last 3 years.

I have never felt So Free since I made the definite discovery that I Was Not At Fault. The 3 year break was worth it as I have not been around to even cause the damage she accused me of.

It sounds strange but I don't feel like her Twin anymore.

I Am Finally Myself.

I had 43 years of BPD caused pain and my gradually less n less unhealthy responses.

Now I Can Be Healthy.

Gosh I Love That!

Sadly I have No Emotional Space for anyone else showing BPD Behaviour. But that's okay... .there's plenty of others who can help them.

I've Done My Time  Smiling (click to insert in post).

Murray-Rose
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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2014, 09:27:42 PM »

Hello Murray-Rose,

Welcome

What a difficult situation having been lumped together and painted with the same brush as your sister... .

"It's just the girls fighting again... ." I am so sorry, that must have been SO invalidating!

You are safe here among people who believe you. And while your story as a twin is definitely unique, there will be many members, who's experiences are similar nonetheless.

BPD is such a painful disorder - family members are often left in the dust, devastated... .

Congratulations on your 3 year journey of self-discovery! I read that twins often have difficulty separating from the identity of "us" when they are maturing and starting to find their life-partners. How much more with a BPD-twin!

Please make yourself at home here, and feel free to share and ask any questions you might have.

How long have you known about your sister's BPD? What tipped you off?
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ropend
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« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2014, 05:16:14 PM »

Is your twin diagnosed as having BPD?
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Murray-Rose

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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2014, 06:45:03 PM »

Hi Pessim-Optimist  

Thanks for your lovely reply... .I really appreciate it  Smiling (click to insert in post).

Yes it has been very difficult finding our own identities. Being Twins with very young parents with a Mother who had a Father who was full on BPD and Mum who MAY hv mildly been BPD herself (I once again suspect) made things more difficult. Also our Parents moved us around High Schools n towns 5 times with boarding school fr a year also. So we became very enmeshed n dependant on each other. This included my Sister following me around Australia wherever we lived with her longsuffering now ex-Husband.So it's not surprising we took this long to individuate... .in fact... .her divorcing Said Husband with its Horrible Drama was what caused the breach... .she wanted me to choose one of them n I wouldn't... .I chose to continue Friendship with both but because she had decided he was Now Evil she couldn't take that... .so then I became Evil. The loss of my nieces n nephew was heart rending. By the by... .the youngest one is Just Like Mum  :'(.

Now I still hv great Relationships with my ex-Brother in Law n the kids as they are older. I still be Very Careful for their sake as anything I do causes my Sister to react dramatically n that harms the kids.

Hi to Reopened  .

Because of the above plus a very difficult adolescence with my Sister... .then our Parents intervening in my Sister n then Fiances Business... .our Parents Coerced  my Sister into adopting out her n my ex-Brother in laws first child... .even tho my brother in law wanted to keep him n marry my Sister. My Parents felt he was from the wrong side of the tracks... .which I guess reflected my Mothers upbringing. All very traumatic. And still not healed 25 years later. J listened to my Sister grieve every day fr 15 years while our Parents were The Enemy. Now they listen to her n I am The Enemy. Even tho they ignored her for all those years. She would get too much for me n I would tell our Family... .but... ."it's just The Girls fighting again".   :'(

So I started reading n researching n reading n researching. THANKFULLY I was finally surrounded by an AWESOME bunch of Friends who Grew Me Up n Nurtured Me n Loved Me warts n all  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post). So I was healing. N they really did love me thru some crazyness cos part of my enmeshment was to Go Along with my Sisters craziness. I also kept being vulnerable to her so there were many tears.

So one day I had... .what I now know was... .an anxiety attack. Hubby came home from work n took me to Dr who booked with The Most Awesome Psychologist.  Smiling (click to insert in post) She... .Praise God!... .was very experienced with BPD  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post). I very humbly said I was there to Work On Me... .but would she please try n explain my Sister n My Mother to me... .! She was very firm she could not diagnose but she kindly taught me about the Cluster B Disorders. I had read about these in my research already. I also asked if I was BPD n she said No... .You Have Anxiety.

Such was the half hour that Turned My Life Around.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Understanding brings Compassion. Knowledge dispels Fear. I can now be Well Balanced fir my Sister. Her hatred of my Personal Limits and her Dreadfull Deeply Analytical Pages n Pages long emails which twist n accuse racked my soul so many times. She just did that again which is why I hv blocked her again. I guess she's villifying me again to our Family. I'm glad they are going thru her strife now... .it is the only way they will See.

My Sister needs a United Loving Family to help lead her to Healing. Until they detach me as Her Twin n experience her Worst they won't take what I say seriously.

I care for my Sister Very Much. Not so sure I can say I Love her anymore. But my heart ached to see her Well. It grieves me she doesn't have the Family Support she needs. But I Can Do No More. Except Pray for her. N keep asking God why I got lumped with her... .yes n deal with guilty feelings about that... .Life Could Have Been So Much More Peaceful... .BUT... .She is a Precious Person who is hurting badly. So I am rattling my Parents n Siblings cage when I can... .She Needs Help and She Needs Us. So My Breach from her is a Gift to Her as well as Me.

So No she hasn't been officially diagnosed... .by the Many Counsellors she's seen. If Only they knew about BPD... . :'(. I believe she has PTSD from the forced adoption as well.

It's Very Sad... .but I Can't Afford to help her anymore.

I am a bit concerned for her at the moment... .during our Months re-contact we sent off our DNA to be tested for if we're Identical or Non-Identical. Mum n Dad were told we were Nons but we are so similar n New technology has shown 2 placentas n sacs cn still be Identical as the fertilized egg split sooner than usual.When that happens those Identical Twins will hv slight differences in looks as one cn throw to the Mothers genes n one to the Father's... .but they are still Identical. (Great Info on the Australian Twin Registry site.)

I'm concerned that if we are in fact Identical... .and because I'm Evil in her eyes n she hates me... .that if we get an Identical result... .well... .I wonder how on earth she will react... .? If we in fact Do have the same DNA... .?

She has a new Husband n a Best Friend... .neither of whom are very mentally healthy... .but I hope they support her. Wonder if she'll find a New Way to villianise me... .? Prefer that over a suicide attempt... .she's only had knife to her wrist once... .so she'll probably just Vocalise bad stuff about me. Very Loudly.

Oh Well... .What Will Be Will Be. I'll Stop trying to Fore See n take one Mail Box Check at a time  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks for this Safe Place! People think Your Mad when share what the BPD does. Or if yr their Twin they think that You're Mad Like Them. My Advice to Twins with BPD ... .Live on One Place... .Don't Move Around... .cos Stability Shows Proof of Insanity. And Hopefully Brings The Correct Help.

Really Appreciate bpdfamily!

Warm Regards

Murray-Rose
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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2014, 07:03:07 PM »

Hello again, Murray-Rose,

I think that a lot of people here can identify with the feeling of loving their relative but not liking them, or caring about them but not knowing whether we still love them... .

Dealing with BPD can be very confusing and definitely painful and frustrating. Sometimes the chaos is so big that we don't know what we are feeling any more, only that we want the spinning to stop, we want to find a safe and peaceful place to find our balance again.

It looks like you are well on your way towards that goal, and you definitely care about your sister.

There are lots of valuable resources here on the site besides the live discussions that can help you deal with your painful memories and with your relationship with your sister. One of them is the side panel on the right ------->

Check it out when you have some time, every title there is a separate link. You can either take it from top to bottom, or click around according to what interests you most.
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Murray-Rose

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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2014, 06:19:07 AM »

Thanks Pessimist-Optimist  Smiling (click to insert in post)... .I will def work my way thru those notes.

I hv since found out my Sister and I are... .Amazingly... .Identical Twins. Very Surprising! THANKFULLY she's taking it well. We are the Identical who split earlier than most so we look bit different. It 100% appears DNA alone doesn't cause BPD-like issues... .personal choice to care for our hearts n minds makes Big Difference.

Warm Regards

Murray-Rose
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Bogdan
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2021, 06:40:48 PM »

Hi, reading your post was both extremely relieving with the identification I feel towards your situation, and confusing, leaving me with a million questions swirling through my head. I too am a same sex twin (male, non identical), and suspect my twin has BPD. We have an extremely complicated relationship and family situation (as I’m sure you can relate to), and we currently both still live at home and things are very hard at the moment. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that I have to tiptoe around my twin, and watch what I say because in my experience, any criticism or constructive feedback is seen as a viscious attack and  can set off an intense argument. A recent argument caused me to have a breakdown and go to a&e because I was feeling suicidal. It feels like me and our parents have to group together to cope with him, and it has been like that for a while, which is then taken to believe that they love me more, which in a way becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because he alienated us with his behaviour and then feels victimised by our reaction, which has always been to try and help him. His feelings of victimhood are largely directed at our mum, who has told me when she was younger she felt similarly towards her mum and told me that she thinks she might have had BPD at our age. He is very nasty to her. I remember when we had family therapy he had rendered her to tears, she was sobbing in front of him on zoom and me and my father didn’t know what to do. Bear in mind I have my own issues with mental health that I believe are intertwined in our relationship. I have suffered with addiction and depression, both of which I am being treated for and in the past two years have been on a journey of recovery from a traumatic episode of drug induced psychosis, leaving me with a schizo-affective diagnosis. I remember being so unwell and having such a resentment towards my twin, and what I put my family through was unfair and I have been trying to make amends. In the last year my twin has been diagnosed with a neurological condition that causes him pain and reduced mobility in his hands, which has been linked to eating disorders and he has suffered from that in the past (a shot in the dark I know), and come out as transgender and indentifies as a woman, which may be a separate thing. He has also had problems with self harm, probably substance abuse too and has indirectly threatened suicide and minutes later seemed chipper and joyful. Since graduating university with a first, he has always been extremely smart and intelligent, he has claimed his hands are too painful for him to work, so I suggested he go after writing jobs (he has no problem typing all day on the iPad our parents bought him so he could type to finish his degree), which prompted an outburst after which I ended up apologising to him, when I was just trying to help.. He also has no problem going out frequently and staying out for days sometimes and not answering the phone. After my breakdown the family sat down to talk and my twin spoke for most of it, accusing us all of things we don’t remember saying or doing, making me question my own memory, especially during my time of being unwell, which is extremely disorienting and triggering. It makes me question if I’m a terrible person or if what I’m experiencing is malicious gaslighting. I’m in the process of finally trying to move out for my own sanity and begin a long healing process. I too have always questioned to the universe why I was lumped with him. He’s extremely hard to love. I guess I’m writing this because I desperately want to make sense of things, and find out if healing is really possible, or if for the rest of my life my relationship with my twin will be merely damage control. Thank you for sharing your story!
« Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 06:57:51 PM by Bogdan » Logged
Bogdan
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2021, 07:04:28 PM »

Hi, reading your post was both extremely relieving with the identification I feel towards your situation, and confusing, leaving me with a million questions swirling through my head. I too am a same sex twin (male, non identical), and suspect my twin has BPD. We have an extremely complicated relationship and family situation (as I’m sure you can relate to), and we currently both still live at home and things are very hard at the moment. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt that I have to tiptoe around my twin, and watch what I say because in my experience, any criticism or constructive feedback is seen as a viscious attack and  can set off an intense argument. A recent argument caused me to have a breakdown and go to a&e because I was feeling suicidal. It feels like me and our parents have to group together to cope with him, and it has been like that for a while, which is then taken to believe that they love me more, which in a way becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because he alienated us with his behaviour and then feels victimised by our reaction, which has always been to try and help him. His feelings of victimhood are largely directed at our mum, who has told me when she was younger she felt similarly towards her mum and told me that she thinks she might have had BPD at our age. He is very nasty to her. I remember when we had family therapy he had rendered her to tears, she was sobbing in front of him on zoom and me and my father didn’t know what to do. Bear in mind I have my own issues with mental health that I believe are intertwined in our relationship. I have suffered with addiction and depression, both of which I am being treated for and in the past two years have been on a journey of recovery from a traumatic episode of drug induced psychosis, leaving me with a schizo-affective diagnosis. I remember being so unwell and having such a resentment towards my twin, and what I put my family through was unfair and I have been trying to make amends. In the last year my twin has been diagnosed with a neurological condition that causes him pain and reduced mobility in his hands, which has been linked to eating disorders and he has suffered from that in the past (a shot in the dark I know), and come out as transgender and indentifies as a woman, which may be a separate thing. He has also had problems with self harm, probably substance abuse too and has indirectly threatened suicide and minutes later seemed chipper and joyful. Since graduating university with a first, he has always been extremely smart and intelligent, he has claimed his hands are too painful for him to work, so I suggested he go after writing jobs (he has no problem typing all day on the iPad our parents bought him so he could type to finish his degree), which prompted an outburst after which I ended up apologising to him, when I was just trying to help.. He also has no problem going out frequently and staying out for days sometimes and not answering the phone, and doesn’t help around the house at all or clean his dishes.. After my breakdown the family sat down to talk and my twin spoke for most of it, accusing us all of things we don’t remember saying or doing, making me question my own memory, especially during my time of being unwell, which is extremely disorienting and triggering. It makes me question if I’m a terrible person or if what I’m experiencing is malicious gaslighting. I’m in the process of finally trying to move out for my own sanity and begin a long healing process. I too have always questioned to the universe why I was lumped with him. He’s extremely hard to love. I guess I’m writing this because I desperately want to make sense of things, and find out if healing is really possible, or if for the rest of my life my relationship with my twin will be merely damage control. Thank you for sharing your story!
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Tulip277943
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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2023, 03:30:15 AM »

Hi Bogdan
I am also a twin (same-sex) and I suspect she may have bpd. I could relate to so much of your post, which I found comforting in a way. I suppose it’s because I feel very alone and misunderstood. I feel I can’t turn to anyone in my family about this as they just don’t understand. I could turn to my older sister but she doesn’t always help much since my twin can easily twist the story. The reason I am writing right now is because my twin and I got into an argument over nothing (which I’m sure you’re familiar with) and then out of nowhere, she absolutely lost it. I am very patient and am slow to anger but when these outbursts happen, I get so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. She starting yelling uncontrollably, was hitting her head with her hand, and telling me she was going to….herself. She reacted the same way before and each time, I’m always there for her: try to calm her down, hug her, etc. (Even thought it started with us being upset with each other)
I suspect she knows I always diffuse situations. I think she also knows that when she has an outburst, I’ll be there to calm her down. Well….it didn’t go that way tonight. Amidst all of it, she was looking around herself and I know it’s because she was looking for something to throw. Thankfully there was nothing near her. She won’t throw them at me, but rather a wall or something. There are a couple holes in the walls because of this. Usually after these outbursts and me calming her down, I feel such heaviness in my heart and I usually go off into a quiet space to cry. A lot. We live in a small home & we share a room & bed. It makes it a lot harder. I wish I could have my own room in times like these.
Moving on.. tonight I told her to leave the room and go outside to get fresh air. She didn’t handle that well. She doesn’t currently have her own car so she ran outside and grabbed my dads keys. I chased after her and told her to give them to me while she was yelling and telling me she was going to go and… herself. While she wouldn’t say it directly, she was saying if I keep talking, she would do it. I then get really upset and yelled and her and told her I would literally tackle her if it meant getting the keys. She said if I touched her, she would go off and do it. She told me if I stepped away she would give it to me. I eventually got the keys and then my older sister pulled in the driveway. My twin told me to not say say a word. So we went to our room and I told her this was the last time this was happening and that she needed to get help. I tried blaming the situation on me per usual and when I tried explaining my side, she said I was putting words in her mouth. She then said “I know I’m f-ing psychotic/ crazy” and she just kept repeating it. She told me that me telling her to go outside and get air was wrong and that I should’ve continued sitting in the chair in front of her while saying nothing at all. I tried explaining to her that when I experience things such as tonight, I just can’t sit and do nothing. I told her to put herself in my shoes and try to understand why that would be unrealistic.
This situation is just so absolutely difficult. She said I should know how to deal with this by now but I had to explain (while crying) that this isn’t something anyone could ever get used to. I’m not an emotional gal but the thing that gets me is my family/ loved ones. I care so much but they think I’m emotionless at times. It breaks my heart when my twin speaks to me and get so upset for no reason at all. I have to tiptoe around her and watch what I say constantly. It doesn’t matter who we’re around, she will tell me off. And the other person doesn’t understand/ may side with her because they don’t understand how she is. It feels so suffocating and alienating.
I know she needs help and she knows too (thankfully) but I told her I need to tell someone even if it’s our sister. She got mad again and told me that I have no right to share what happened. I explained I was just going to say we should get help. The both of us. Individually and together. She said I had no right and that she can do it herself. And then she just went to bed. So now I’m awake next to her dealing with the aftermath. All of my unsettled emotions, frustration, sadness. I’m a pretty optimistic person but I just don’t know what to do when this happens. I usually pray, and tell myself everything will be okay. I know I will be okay but I still worry for her at times. I love her so much but she hurts me a lot and she doesn’t see it at all. She blames a lot of her doing on me and has even convinced me it’s my fault. I reflect back and know it was not. I know it was manipulation and gaslighting. I have even apologized to her before too (when it wasn’t my fault). I just don’t know if I’ll be able to be apart from her for a while. My older sister will probably move out soon so it’ll just be me, my twin, aunt, and dad. I usually keep all this to myself. I’ve never shared this with my aunt, and have only briefly talked about it with my dad a couple times. I would tell my mom and she would definitely side with me but it’s also an issue cause I suspect my mom also has bpd/ bipolar, etc. She would easily lash out and get mad at my twin & my skin wouldn’t handle that well at all. (My mom thinks she perfectly normal which is another issue. My twin has some resentment against her as my mom is ignoran/ manipulative and put her in anger management as a child) My dad has mentioned moving out of state & I know it would be the three of us. I’ll have to wait til I finish school and find a job until I can move out. I wish it wasn’t this way but it is. Maybe this type of thing happens for a reason. Although it’s not fair to us, maybe our twins need the other half who is stronger. To teach them things. But it’s at the price of our own sanity. I have never shared this much before, even with family so thank you for reading.
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