Is it normal...

[nzmum]

So my question to those of you who have been dealing with this for some time is:

Is it normal for me to go from dealing with everything brilliantly (if I say so myself  ) up until today when I seem to have crashed and burned?

Really - I can't stop my eyes leaking.  :'( My thought process is suddenly as skewed as BPD.DD17 - or is it? I have not been able to pull myself together all day - that's a big help! Is it me that has caused all of this? Our Social Worker pretty much blamed me for familial traits today. Personally I have never considered myself to be anxious/depressed etc etc.  So is it me? Am I the one keeping this roller coaster on its endless tracks of ups and downs?  I'm 47 - how on earth am I ever going to change the way I communicate/think/react to every single interaction with my daughter?  Everything I read and view in order to learn more seems to suggest that this is the way to move forwards.  I have been advised there is a family group that meets once a month (first Monday) at 7pm - how on earth is that going to be enough?  Even if I can get there - bear in mind I can no longer leave nonBPD.DD14 (though she is now anxious & stressed beyond belief) home alone with DD17 - for,I hope, obvious reasons. The DBT training people here in NZ do nothing for families - thanks a bunch guys! They wished me luck though    If I could do a course at least I could model the stuff at home. DD17 still not engaging fully with what little therapy is offered here - fantastic! NOT! Missed last weeks session with Psych' due to crisis & HDU hospitalization under Mental Health Act.  This weeks session cut short - I have no idea why - but could hazard a good guess if I had the energy for it. DD17 also missed 1st of 6 Distress Management courses last week - which naturally gives her the perfect excuse not to attend the 2nd one tomorrow.    I have just done a 2 hour round trip to get her to a friend's house for a catch up with her old school mates (the nice ones!) which DH or I will repeat later when we fetch her.  Lovely!  My mood is affecting DH and DD14 more than if DD17 was in the house!  So who is worse? Me? or DD17? Does it actually even matter what I try to do - she's not engaging anyway?

I was doing so well.  Honest.

Feel so guilty having read this through.   'won't even post it' thoughts are currently going through my head.  But - what if someone else out there feels the same as me today - will I make them feel better knowing they're not alone?

I'll post it just in case.

Tomorrow will be better I'm sure of it. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Yes, this is normal and tomorrow will be better 

Don't make too many demands on yourself today and do whatever you can to help yourself feel better.

Sometimes therapists and Social Workers who don't have a specialized knowledge of BPD do tend to look for blame in the family (particularly the mother). Re-read ":)id I cause this?" ---->

Valerie Porr has a good chapter on this in her book.

I think when we feel tired and low (and caring for a child with BPD is exhausting) we are vulnerable to pick up on any hint of blame.

When I feel like this I try to retreat for a while and engage with things as little as possible then go back to the tools and start again.

Take care 

[tristesse]

Hi nzmum

I want to reassure you that what you are goring through and feeling are completely normal. I understand totally and completely how you feel,  you take on the feelings of being responsible for it all. I also go through periods where I am doing everything right, I use SET effectively, I don't JADE  etc. etc. I am feeling pretty good about the way things are going, then BOOM, something goes wrong, a technique didn't work, I slipped up and forgot to use SET, or whatever the case. Things sort of go south, and I feel all of the weight of the world. I blame myself for the backwards step(S), if only I had done this or that.

The good news is, it passes. I pick up whatever pieces I can, and trudge forward.

You appear to have such a good attitude about it all, and you care deeply, that's  apparent, so I have no doubt that you will be able to move forward also. You will cross this bridge and be stronger.

Hang in there, don't be too hard on yourself, and remember we are all here for you.

[jellibeans]

nzmum

I wanted to tell you I am right with you today... .I am struggling with my dd17 and have been for a while. Reading some of the responses you have received are helpful... .focus on yourself today as much as possible. I just finished watching a movie and laying in bed... .do something for yourself.

Also try to just be still and quiet... .this will pass and things will get better. I have to remind myself of this. It is an important point to remember. Just get through today... .that is your only goal for right now. Don't think about the problems and the future. Give yourself the day off. Everyone deserves a vacation and today is your day.

Find a photo of your dd when she was younger and there were less problems and keep that close... .remember she is struggling and that we are all doing the best we can.

[nzmum]

Dear Lever, Tristesse & Jellibeans

thank you for the words of encouragement and advice.

Today has been better so far.  Just doing it a half hour at a time though, which is working surprisingly well! 

I realise now that the SW was doing her job looking for a cause (ANY cause) - not that it changes what we are dealing with today.

Things I know:

I know I am not and have never been an anxious/depressed person.

I know that I have always done the best I can for my family.

I know that I will continue to do so in spite of the system working against my best efforts! 

I know - therefore I am... .someone said that I think! 

Cogito ergo sum[a] (/ˈkoʊɡɨtoʊ ˈɜrɡoʊ ˈsʊm/, also /ˈkɒɡɨtoʊ/, /ˈsʌm/; Classical Latin: [ˈkoːɡitoː ˈɛrɡoː ˈsʊm], "I think, therefore I am", or better "I am thinking, therefore I exist" is a philosophical proposition by René Descartes. The simple meaning of the Latin phrase is that thinking about one’s existence proves—in and of itself—that an "I" exists to do the thinking; or, as Descartes explains, "[W]e cannot doubt of our existence while we doubt … ."

[Wednesday]

Hi NZMUM - I'm a Kiwi Mum too (from Wellington). My Miss 19 was diagnosed in June. I am 49 and I feel totally like you. I was a fully together person - the sort of person others come to with their woes. I am not a crier. These past few months I have cried more than I have ever cried in my entire life. One day when everyone was out I cried so much for 30 minutes that I got a bleeding nose. I realized I was becoming depressed and that I cant do that to my 14 year old. I bought a book on mindfulness and have used some exercises from it to try to help me on the days I cant sleep.

Miss 19 is away at university and my hopes and dreams for her are shattered.  She has a good mental health team in Auckland but she doesn't want to engage. She doesn't want to come home to us. Finally got her into the Balance program in  Auckland (a 12 month twice a week program)and she won't go.

I think there might be a parent support program in Wellington but I think it's for general mental health issues not BPD. And to be honest I'm not sure if I have the energy to go to a support group and support others.

I have good and bad days. Regardless I have to put on my professional hat and go to work (I am a management consultant so have to act like I can control everything at work!).

Some days I am tough and decide it's her life - I cant live it for her. Other days it is unbearable seeing my dreams for her float away.

Anyway - I take some small comfort that I have discovered another KiwiMum like me - so sorry we had to find one way - but pleased we did!

[jellibeans]

wednesday

I want to encourage you to read about radical acceptance... .

Other days it is unbearable seeing my dreams for her float away.

my hopes and dreams for her are shattered

These two statments show that you have not really accepted your dd and once you can do that then I think you will find some peace. Your dd is in university and is on her own path. It might not be the path you wanted for your dd but try and embrace it and her. The less judgemental and less disappointed you can be the better for your dd.

I hope you and nzmum can form a friendship because it is so important to have support and someone that truly understands what it is like to have a child that is struggling in life. We are all doing our best... .I have always said once my dd knows better she will do better. I keep trying to work on ways I can change and improve my communication skills. It doesn't always come naturally and it is important to always try.

I really want to encourage you to read the communication tools to the right. This site really has helped me the most. I hope you find some help here too. It can be very exhausting so please take some time for yourself when you can. Maybe just try the support group and see if it helps... .I really think it will. Having others that understand and  can give advise can be of great comfort.

[nzmum]

Hi Wednesday

This site really has helped me the most. I hope you find some help here too.

   

What Jellibeans said is soo right   

I have to be really careful when on the message board etc.

BPD.DD17 is at home (ALL THE TIME as she does not function beyond her bedroom - unless in crisis  ) and the computer is in the kitchen - no WiFi here now as her use is really unhealthy etc.

DD17 has not heard the expression BPD from us (all books & literature etc is hidden) as a) they don't diagnose teens and b) if they feel she needs to know then the information HAS to come from her team.

I will be in touch again very soon. Am scared she'll walk in anytime soon   

Be strong.  A couple of links below were soo helpful to DH & I.

I am currently trying to find out more on the Family Connections Program. I know it's run in Christchurch, Tauranga, Hamilton, Auckland City and North Shore but not very often. So I am now looking at a teleconnections method.  Let you know how I go.   

Watch this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4KjxxPp3Ls&feature=player_detailpage

Watch this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8o2h2Ic8dc

Read this: www.midlandmentalhealthnetwork.co.nz/file/About-Us-page/Summits/family-connections-2.pdf