Learning NC the hard way... but are we connected somehow?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Now that my ex is really happy at the moment, going on a trip with her new love, she has been a lot nicer to me. We actually talked a bit at work today and she seems to look at me now totally differently than even a few weeks ago.

NC was killing me, but anytime I contacted her, I just got excuses or lies or pushing her even further away.

It seems like now she is actually happy that things turned out the way that they did, cause otherwise she wouldn't be where she is now. She even said she was going to bring me some type of present from where she is going. We'll see if she remembers. Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing.

For me though, in this regard, nothing is better. NC was pure torture and I couldn't even do it 100%, being at work and all. But talking to her and hearing about my replacement is also a type of torture.

So what am I left with? I shouldn't hope for her rs to sour. I shouldn't want her back. I should be living my life and I shouldn't even care that she has moved on.

So what the hell is holding me back?

Can I really love this person so much, that I just want her to be happy?

Still it seems unfair that I can get so attached to someone and still feel like we are somehow meant to be and she forgets every amazing moment with me.

It kills me that she cannot even comprehend the depths that are within me, the type of things that I know about her. It helps me be more compassionate towards her, all while getting a cold shoulder from someone who can barely function at times. In some way I guess I fear that nobody will really get to find out what I have to offer.

Why can't I see other girls in the same way?

Why am I mourning the rs when things weren't going the way they should or could have anyways?

I am 5 months out and I just wish that I could love someone else. Someone who loves me the way that I would love them.

I guess now I shouldn't even be on a BPD board anymore. Seems like what I have been trying to hold on to now has sailed and is far away.

So I am left with having to carry around the wounds that she caused in me.

But now I think I am forced to let go of the thought of her. While I wasn't sure if she would find someone she can idealize I kept hoping that we would at least talk about things, see what went wrong. Now (and as I am thinking about how to write this, I realize I already tried making that decision a long time ago, wanting to let go, but not being able to) it only drains me to keep thinking about her. Maybe I will realize it is for my best interest. What is this thing that I cannot explain? Feeling like we are soul mates. They say soul mates aren't always meant to be together. Possibly just meet and cross paths. The only way I can imagine not having the pain that we share, is to be in a deep relationship with her. I cannot control the way she feels, so when I realized a flaw in myself I wanted to work on it. On the other hand when I mirrored her behavior she was unable to cope with those feelings of anger, shame or a mixture of those. She couldn't handle criticism and has a hard time changing anything about herself.

Is it possible that what I felt while we were close, is that she also felt that deep connection? How can you feel connected to someone if they don't even know you. I mean feeling like you can read each other like a book. Where words are rarely even needed. So whatever triggered her, caused her to get off of the wavelength that we shared.

Does anyone else have this type of story? I'm not talking about a rs like ones I've had with other people, where there is an attraction and an interest in each other, but nothing really spiritually or emotionally.

I would like to hear examples of what kind of connection you felt with your ex.

Thanks for sharing.

[shellbent]

Now that my ex is really happy at the moment, going on a trip with her new love, she has been a lot nicer to me. We actually talked a bit at work today and she seems to look at me now totally differently than even a few weeks ago.

NC was killing me, but anytime I contacted her, I just got excuses or lies or pushing her even further away.

It seems like now she is actually happy that things turned out the way that they did, cause otherwise she wouldn't be where she is now. She even said she was going to bring me some type of present from where she is going. We'll see if she remembers. Maybe it was a spur of the moment thing.

For me though, in this regard, nothing is better. NC was pure torture and I couldn't even do it 100%, being at work and all. But talking to her and hearing about my replacement is also a type of torture.

So what am I left with? I shouldn't hope for her rs to sour. I shouldn't want her back. I should be living my life and I shouldn't even care that she has moved on.

So what the hell is holding me back?

Can I really love this person so much, that I just want her to be happy?

Still it seems unfair that I can get so attached to someone and still feel like we are somehow meant to be and she forgets every amazing moment with me.

It kills me that she cannot even comprehend the depths that are within me, the type of things that I know about her. It helps me be more compassionate towards her, all while getting a cold shoulder from someone who can barely function at times. In some way I guess I fear that nobody will really get to find out what I have to offer.

Why can't I see other girls in the same way?

Why am I mourning the rs when things weren't going the way they should or could have anyways?

I am 5 months out and I just wish that I could love someone else. Someone who loves me the way that I would love them.

I guess now I shouldn't even be on a BPD board anymore. Seems like what I have been trying to hold on to now has sailed and is far away.

So I am left with having to carry around the wounds that she caused in me.

But now I think I am forced to let go of the thought of her. While I wasn't sure if she would find someone she can idealize I kept hoping that we would at least talk about things, see what went wrong. Now (and as I am thinking about how to write this, I realize I already tried making that decision a long time ago, wanting to let go, but not being able to) it only drains me to keep thinking about her. Maybe I will realize it is for my best interest. What is this thing that I cannot explain? Feeling like we are soul mates. They say soul mates aren't always meant to be together. Possibly just meet and cross paths. The only way I can imagine not having the pain that we share, is to be in a deep relationship with her. I cannot control the way she feels, so when I realized a flaw in myself I wanted to work on it. On the other hand when I mirrored her behavior she was unable to cope with those feelings of anger, shame or a mixture of those. She couldn't handle criticism and has a hard time changing anything about herself.

Is it possible that what I felt while we were close, is that she also felt that deep connection? How can you feel connected to someone if they don't even know you. I mean feeling like you can read each other like a book. Where words are rarely even needed. So whatever triggered her, caused her to get off of the wavelength that we shared.

Does anyone else have this type of story? I'm not talking about a rs like ones I've had with other people, where there is an attraction and an interest in each other, but nothing really spiritually or emotionally.

I would like to hear examples of what kind of connection you felt with your ex.

Thanks for sharing.