Forgiveness

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Forgiving someone who has hurt you does not mean that no boundaries are necessary.  Quite the contrary.

When you are able to forgive and move on, you must have boundaries that cannot be crossed for your own protection.

Who said you need to verbalize your forgiveness to them?  It is NOT meant to make them believe you are condoning bad behavior, nor is it meant to make them feel better.

To forgive them in your heart will make YOU feel better.

It is the emotional disconnect.  A positive way to get past a destructive relationship by accepting the illness, forgiving the illness, admitting it is over, and then making the choice to walk away.  

Back on topic  

Members are at different stages of detachment and healing and there may be feelings of resentment and anger. Shortly after post break-up things are still raw and divorce is up there with a loved one passing. It is extremely difficult when your partner has borderline personality traits.

That said, it is a personal choice and there is no right process. It isn't for the other party, it is for yourself. Strong personal boundaries are necessary. Above all it is to release the emotional baggage and for you to feel better and not to make them feel better or condone, excuse their behaviors.

A choice.

[Mutt]

Forgiving someone who has hurt you does not mean that no boundaries are necessary.  Quite the contrary.

When you are able to forgive and move on, you must have boundaries that cannot be crossed for your own protection.

Who said you need to verbalize your forgiveness to them?  It is NOT meant to make them believe you are condoning bad behavior, nor is it meant to make them feel better.

To forgive them in your heart will make YOU feel better.

It is the emotional disconnect.  A positive way to get past a destructive relationship by accepting the illness, forgiving the illness, admitting it is over, and then making the choice to walk away.  

Back on topic  

Members are at different stages of detachment and healing and there may be feelings of resentment and anger. Shortly after post break-up things are still raw and divorce is up there with a loved one passing. It is extremely difficult when your partner has borderline personality traits.

That said, it is a personal choice and there is no right process. It isn't for the other party, it is for yourself. Strong personal boundaries are necessary. Above all it is to release the emotional baggage and for you to feel better and not to make them feel better or condone, excuse their behaviors.

A choice.

[Turkish]

I think forgiveness implies letting go of anger. I know I haven't forgiven my Ex because I am still angry at her.

I had something like radical acceptance preached at me by my T. "Accept her for you she is, otherwise you will remain angry. She is who she is and likely isn't going to change."

The article on Linehan and DBT got me thinking about this:

Dr. Linehan closed in on two seemingly opposed principles that could form the basis of a treatment:

- acceptance of life as it is, not as it is supposed to be;

- and the need to change, despite that reality and because of it.

It suits me now to be angry, only 10 months physically seperated, and I accept that I feel this way. The anger has lessened, but I wonder how healthy it is for me to hang onto it? This is my reality now. At some point, I need to change because reality sure isn't.

[myself]

A choice.

Out of all the things I've been through in this r/s, the good times, struggles, dreams and now detaching, that's the one word that stands out to me the most (besides love). Choice. We definitely have some say in who we are, what we do, what we feel. We're capable of deciding for ourselves. Sometimes that leads us down a dead end, sometimes it opens wide. Sometimes we choose to forgive ourselves, or someone else, sometimes we don't. We don't have to. I agree, it can be like letting go of something weighing you down, but weights can also build up strength so it would depend on the person and their situation as to who needs to do what when. It would be their choice to choose whatever they chose. I instantly forgave my ex for many things, but some of the more personal have been harder to let go of. As time goes on, I'm more accepting that it was what it was, it left some scars, and today's another day. Kind of like forgiving that life goes on?

[maternal]

I have found it MUCH more difficult to forgive myself.  Forgive myself for staying as long as I did, for putting up with his sh!t, for not enforcing my boundaries, for walking on so many eggshells, for not staying true to who I am, for putting myself in that situation in the first place and for ignoring my gut.

Honestly, for me, especially given my ex's diagnosis, forgiving him is the easy part.  He is a frightened child trying to live an adult life without the tools to cope.  I am a rational, intelligent adult, with my own attachment issues, who ignored red flags, my gut and his behavior, but chose to stick around for the torture anyway.  To forgive myself has proven to be far more difficult than forgiving him.   

[Mutt]

I have found it MUCH more difficult to forgive myself.  Forgive myself for staying as long as I did, for putting up with his sh!t, for not enforcing my boundaries, for walking on so many eggshells, for not staying true to who I am, for putting myself in that situation in the first place and for ignoring my gut.

Honestly, for me, especially given my ex's diagnosis, forgiving him is the easy part.  He is a frightened child trying to live an adult life without the tools to cope.  I am a rational, intelligent adult, with my own attachment issues, who ignored red flags, my gut and his behavior, but chose to stick around for the torture anyway.  To forgive myself has proven to be far more difficult than forgiving him.  

I agree maternal. I found it much more difficult forgiving ME. That behavior for myself was there before I met someone with personality disorder traits. I learned about the her behaviors to understand what happened and why the experience caused great pain. That was half of the equation, the other half is what I owned.

I had to forgive myself before I could find forgiveness for my ex partner. I wasn't getting enjoyment in life and relationships and I came to the realization that my depressions and unhappiness was a byproduct of guilt and condemning myself. I also believed the blame from others in my family and significant others. This was connected to my self esteem.

From my personal experience, I had to own my codependent behaviors That's how I found forgiveness, it started by forgiving myself and letting go of some of the past emotional baggage that was keeping me stuck and moving forward in a healthier more fulfilling path.

[MammaMia]

maternal

Stop blaming yourself.  PwBPD are extremely charismatic and manipulative.  You did not make him sick, you tried to help and were hurt in the process.  

We all reach a point with BPD where we look for answers where there are none.  After all, someone has to be responsible, right?  Not true.  Would you blame yourself if he had a brain tumor or cancer?

Mental illness is a monster that twists and turns reality into fantasy and then tries to consume us.  Forgive yourself.  Just know you have used your coping skills to the best of your ability.  You have not failed.

We live and learn.  We are eternally optimistic when there is only a sliver of real hope, and sometimes we have to accept the facts of this terrible disorder and make difficult decisions in order to keep our own sanity. Everyone makes mistakes in life... .it is called being human.  

It is also called survival.  Let the guilt go, you do not deserve it.