Doesn't know if he has feelings for me or this girl

[Climbmountains91]

Oh tonight i am so done with exBPDbf. Hes friend now tells me he doesn't know if he has feelings for me or his girl thats a friend. Made sense when he especially made a trip up there few weeks ago and they had a "very close picture" together and she split up with her boyfriend whose also friends with BPD and his been downgrading that male friend recently accusing him of robbing his "medication". Sounds like the time he took his ex girlfriend off his friend. After two weeks ago he got me back into a recycle. I am soo stupid.

Playground crap. I am done!

Arghhhhhh!

[Inside]

Ya know, he doesn't have ‘feelings’ for anyone ~  He’s looking for an attachement, and it seems if ‘we’ (Nons) show the least bit of improvement, hesitation, or enforce the slightest of boundaries - they figure they’d best be looking for their next supply.  Nearly that simple, and that sad.

They know they’ll eventually be found out, can’t stand the thought of not having an ‘attachment’ (someone to mirror/ drain the life energy from), so habitually seek someone else to ‘monkey branch’ to. 

The pain comes as, while we’re feeling the closest to them, they’re fearing ‘it can’t last’ (cuz it never does) so begin seeking our replacement; anything ‘goes wrong’ (usually caused by them) - they tell us off and split!  We’re left wondering What the heck ... .an instantly find them wrapped around someone else while we’re wondering what’s wrong with us?  Not only do we not have them - we’ve no replacement in sight… 

Why?  Because we’re loyal lovers - and they’re not.  He doesn't deserve you … or her - whoever she is.  You deserve better, know that.  Ignore his pathetic life … but do consider all those  ‘s ‘we’ missed.  In the end - You win

[outside9x]

Ya know, he doesn't have ‘feelings’ for anyone ~  He’s looking for an attachement, and it seems if ‘we’ (Nons) show the least bit of improvement, hesitation, or enforce the slightest of boundaries - they figure they’d best be looking for their next supply.  Nearly that simple, and that sad.

They know they’ll eventually be found out, can’t stand the thought of not having an ‘attachment’ (someone to mirror/ drain the life energy from), so habitually seek someone else to ‘monkey branch’ to. 

The

You know every word said by Inside is true and correct, but it hurts, and seems unbelievable, but its true.   You are steaming mad right now, but, you know from experience you'll be sad.  Just go with that feeling for awhile, and let it past.  Then look at what love, real love should be and stay strong .  Do not give into your emotions, for they will be strong in the 1st weeks and months.  There is no easy way out, I wish I could say there is, but like many it does get better.  It does. 

[Infern0]

Oh I know something about that.

It's the borderlines magical right to not be sure and that you just have to do everything for them and wait around in case they decide it's you they want.

Get out now.

[outside9x]

Inferno,

That's so true, towards the end she would said gee, I am not sure what I want, and that's after she made all these demands, false statements , and shoved things down my throat may me feel bad about this or that, and how can I be with a guy that can't do this, or be like that. Always to make you feel bad.  You never can do enough, it's exhausting, and then I think they sense when you might be worn out, they throw a bit of kindness your way, but the whole thing would start again.  Emotionally exhausting and cruel. 

And BTW when I final agreed (I must of been insane) to her biggest demands then the cheating, the lying, and all the things  they do really came.

Good Post and comments.  It helps to see who's really behind the curtain.

[pieceofme]

Oh I know something about that.

It's the borderlines magical right to not be sure and that you just have to do everything for them and wait around in case they decide it's you they want.

Get out now.

this made me   no truer words have been said!

[vortex of confusion]

It's the borderlines magical right to not be sure and that you just have to do everything for them and wait around in case they decide it's you they want.

LOL! Yep, so true. I have spent 18 years with my husband. As long as I have been devoted and loyal, he was fine. When I made it perfectly clear to him that I was not happy, he used that as an opening for us to see other people rather than do the work necessary to repair our relationship. I gave in to that and any time I would try to set boundaries or define the whole open relationship aspect he would panic and ditch the girls he was talking to just long enough to make me happy and would then turn around and start looking for somebody else. He could throw people away like yesterday's trash without thinking twice about it.

[Penumbra66]

Ya know, he doesn't have ‘feelings’ for anyone ~  He’s looking for an attachement, and it seems if ‘we’ (Nons) show the least bit of improvement, hesitation, or enforce the slightest of boundaries - they figure they’d best be looking for their next supply.  Nearly that simple, and that sad.

They know they’ll eventually be found out, can’t stand the thought of not having an ‘attachment’ (someone to mirror/ drain the life energy from), so habitually seek someone else to ‘monkey branch’ to. 

The pain comes as, while we’re feeling the closest to them, they’re fearing ‘it can’t last’ (cuz it never does) so begin seeking our replacement; anything ‘goes wrong’ (usually caused by them) - they tell us off and split!  We’re left wondering What the heck ... .an instantly find them wrapped around someone else while we’re wondering what’s wrong with us?  Not only do we not have them - we’ve no replacement in sight… 

Why?  Because we’re loyal lovers - and they’re not.  He doesn't deserve you … or her - whoever she is.  You deserve better, know that.  Ignore his pathetic life … but do consider all those  ‘s ‘we’ missed.  In the end - You win

Ironically I believed our relationship to be at its best just a day or two before my married replacement and my ex gf began hanging out as "friends." She seemed much more stable, independent, and grounded than ever in our relationship. I had even begun pricing trips to Toronto and Chicago because I finally felt like I could tolerate travelling with her, which was a big deal, because her neediness and constant demands used to drive me insane.

After she runs off with the replacement, she tells me the boundaries I had worked so hard to establish were somehow an indication that she had been over-invested in the relationship, that somehow I didn't "care" enough about her. Right before the replacement came along, I'm looking back and thinking that she had grown up enormously in the last six months, and how much I was actually enjoying being with her. Literally one day before their first "friendship" date, I'm walking to her apartment thinking that I can't believe that we've actually had TWO WEEKS of pleasant, drama-free time together. I'm actually begining to believe that our year-and-a-half long relationship is maturing into a deeper level of love.

Of course this whole time she's apparently been chatting with her "friend," and after I arrive, she tells me that the two of them have this deep "emotional" connection, but not to worry, because he is not an attractive man (him being married, however, is not a concern to her at all). They also had another connection: addiction to drugs and alcohol. Her two years of sobriety unravelled the first time they got together to "hang out."

Follow the above by five weeks of triangulation, almost weekly recycling, broken promises of reconciliation, and outright lies, before I finally learn that her betrayal had always continued. When confronted, she tells me her heart is "big enough" to love us both, that she wanted to make both of us happy, and that she had been lying to "protect" me. But when I ask her if she is with me or him, she didn't hesitate:

"Him."

When their affair began, I basically had a nervous breakdown, and enterred a three-and-a-half week partial hospitalization program, convinved our relationship was over. She came back to me, left again, and came back as my hospitalization was ending, telling me she wanted to "make things right" between us. After the breakup, she accused my hospitalization as an attempt to "manipulate" her, while I was struggling with the worst emotional trauma of my entire forty eight years. When I enrolled in the program, I wasn't even sure we'd ever even communicate again. But to her, it was manipulation.

And yet, ten days after the program ends she decides to go with my replacement, whose wife had finally had enough and left him following their affair. I was simply her backup this whole time, which she admitted: Once he was free, she was gone.

The cruelest thing was being told all along--even after she left for the last time--was how much she loved me, would love me, "probably" for the rest of her life. And wanted friendship, because of course she "couldn't imagine" me not being part of her life. In fact, in the communication following the breakup, I was so confussed because she is telling me the things you would only tell a lover: about how special, important, adorable, kind, cherished I was, and how I was the only person she had ever connected with sexually. And of course as soulmates, she would be "open" to getting back together at some point, as long as "we are both still interested." But at this point, she "didn't know" what she wanted. Truly maddening.

Today, nearly four months after the breakup, the whole thing seems ever more sick, more destructive, and more downright evil. Mental illness or not, the treatment I suffered was truly horrific, and something I still--even after all the reading and research--simply cannot understand. She might be misserable herself, but she QUITE LITERALLY left me for dead, struggling at one point to not leap to my death from a ten-story parking garage; a call to a suicide hotline; and full-time hospitalization. I've never struggled with suicidal ideation in my entire life. Then again, I've never been exposed to a Borderlines madness before. Being surrounded by the confusion, lies, callousness and cruelty was like nothing I could ever have imagined. All from the most important and cherished person in my life.

How does one recover from this?

[patientandclear]

Today, nearly four months after the breakup, the whole thing seems ever more sick, more destructive, and more downright evil. Mental illness or not, the treatment I suffered was truly horrific, and something I still--even after all the reading and research--simply cannot understand. She might be misserable herself, but she QUITE LITERALLY left me for dead, struggling at one point to not leap to my death from a ten-story parking garage; a call to a suicide hotline; and full-time hospitalization. I've never struggled with suicidal ideation in my entire life. Then again, I've never been exposed to a Borderlines madness before. Being surrounded by the confusion, lies, callousness and cruelty was like nothing I could ever have imagined. All from the most important and cherished person in my life.

How does one recover from this?

Penumbra, your post deserves its own thread.  That is such a wrenching and yet in so many ways typical story.  This stuff does much more damage than I would ever have thought a romantic relationship could do.  I know it's terribly hard and I'm sorry.  

[Deeno02]

It's the borderlines magical right to not be sure and that you just have to do everything for them and wait around in case they decide it's you they want.

LOL! Yep, so true. I have spent 18 years with my husband. As long as I have been devoted and loyal, he was fine. When I made it perfectly clear to him that I was not happy, he used that as an opening for us to see other people rather than do the work necessary to repair our relationship. I gave in to that and any time I would try to set boundaries or define the whole open relationship aspect he would panic and ditch the girls he was talking to just long enough to make me happy and would then turn around and start looking for somebody else. He could throw people away like yesterday's trash without thinking twice about it.

My BPD/gf ex pointed out to me in her rage text, " I finally know what I want". Lol, yeah, sure you do. You know only what you want right now... .sheesh.

[Infared]

Ya know, he doesn't have ‘feelings’ for anyone ~  He’s looking for an attachement, and it seems if ‘we’ (Nons) show the least bit of improvement, hesitation, or enforce the slightest of boundaries - they figure they’d best be looking for their next supply.  Nearly that simple, and that sad.

They know they’ll eventually be found out, can’t stand the thought of not having an ‘attachment’ (someone to mirror/ drain the life energy from), so habitually seek someone else to ‘monkey branch’ to. 

The pain comes as, while we’re feeling the closest to them, they’re fearing ‘it can’t last’ (cuz it never does) so begin seeking our replacement; anything ‘goes wrong’ (usually caused by them) - they tell us off and split!  We’re left wondering What the heck ... .an instantly find them wrapped around someone else while we’re wondering what’s wrong with us?  Not only do we not have them - we’ve no replacement in sight… 

Why?  Because we’re loyal lovers - and they’re not.  He doesn't deserve you … or her - whoever she is.  You deserve better, know that.  Ignore his pathetic life … but do consider all those  ‘s ‘we’ missed.  In the end - You win

+100. I am a lot less angry about it now... .but that is ALL true.