She pleaded me to go home

[half-life]

It is nearly three months since I have moved out. Before the move, I imagine this to be some sort dramatic break up to free myself from her venom. In fact in was mundane and unexciting. By day I toil at my high pressure job. In the weekend I have my young kids over. We spend plenty of "family time" during the week. After a few week I give in to my S4's insistence of not spending overnight in my home. He has a lot of fun otherwise. He just insist to go "home" for the night. My wife is surprisingly cooperative though because we both want to maintain a stable environment for our kids. I exercise. I do a lot of work to organize my new place. But I have few contact with other people and have little social life.

She has changed a lot. Instead of fighting and bickering that I feared, she become tender and nice to me. She prepare for all the stuff that the kids needed before sending them over, sometime bringing me stuff or food to show her care. She has asked me to go back many times.

Then a trauma happened. She found out at the vet that our elderly dog has an acute condition and has to be euthanized. She is very attached to the dog and this hits her hard. She called me in distress from the vet. I rushed over to see her sitting beside our helpless dog in tears. I helped take care of a few things and gave her my support. She ask me to come home to stay with her for two days because she can't bear to be alone.

She told me these days she cries once the kids leave home. The dog gives her emotional support but suddenly it has departed. It becomes clear that the most she value in her life is her family. But as this is falling apart, she finds few purpose of life. She is seeing therapist and she promise to work on her issues so that she can improve herself and her relation to others. She cling to me tight in these two days. Instead of contempt of me like in the past, she says she needs me. She apologize for the harm she might have caused me and promise to work on to change. It reminds me of the early days when her love light me up.

I do not believe BPD will change fundamentally. Even then, her effort is beyond my expectation. I know she has gone through a lot of pain and tried very hard to fix the relationship.

On my part, I think my personality has contribution to our dysfunctional relationship. My nice guy personality is not always a productive trait. Rather than trying to minimize conflict all the time, I should have the gut to confront her. I might be too empathic, which in her opinion I'm completely unempathic anyway. Instead of walking of eggshell, sometime I should just assert myself and careless about how she feel. I fear her ___ storm, but ___ storm come anyway no matter how delicate I try to be. I need to think and act more for myself. I should overcome the thought that this is selfishness.

I start to be able to imagine we getting back together. Although I don't see how we can become a loving couple again. Perhaps not every couple are mean to lovers. Maybe to care for each other is good enough. Of course my stubbornness and my pride do not make reconciliation easy.

[enlighten me]

Hi half life

reading what you wrote about yourself I could have written about me. My nice guy character, not confronting my exs, the lonliness and lack of social life it all hits home.

My ex wife has painted me white and I fear her trying to recycle me. I know it could never work as too much damage was done.

It is only when they hit rock bottom that they seek change. By being supportive of her therapy she may have the change that we all dream of. If not for your sakr but for the sake of the kids and her. Jumping back into a relationship might be a bad thing as any work she may do for herself may be dropped as she may feel you fill that gap.

[half-life]

Thank you. It makes a lot of sense to not to jump back into the relationship. When I left I thought I have make the final decision. I did not expect this makes her to change her view of me so much.

[Mutt]

She cling to me tight in these two days. Instead of contempt of me like in the past, she says she needs me. She apologize for the harm she might have caused me and promise to work on to change. It reminds me of the early days when her love light me up.

It feel like the love from the early days because she's idealizing you right now.

Contempt not far behind. Push / pull behavior.