Dealing with lies

[Depression = 72% of members]

The BPD in my life tells outlandish lies.  She is big into “experts say” or a "new study". . . and then the nonsense comes out of her mouth.  When she can tell by your facial expression that you don’t believe her she stammers.  It seems that the goal of these statements is to impress me with knowledge she wants to pretend to have. She also seems to lie about her background. What is the best way to handle attention seeking lies? 

The other (I feel) untruths are about her supposed parental alienation case.  She has a blog where she alleges all kinds of legal, drug, psychiatric troubles and breakdowns of her daughter. She writes that the doctor won’t discuss her daughter with her because of “evil manipulation” on the part of her ex. I think the truth is pretty simple. She violates her daughter’s privacy to call attention to herself online, and whatever she does learn is published on the Internet for strangers to read. She writes these blogs  and postings in her own name, and sometimes  posts on local boards in the town where she used to live, I think, to humiliate her ex and punish her daughter. Therefore, the daughter and co-parent don’t trust her, and information is not given. How does one respond when they are hit with delusional talk about plots against a person when they are just dealing with consequences of behaving in a toxic manner? I have a friend who is a blabber-mouth so I don’t share anything with her that I wouldn’t post on Facebook. There is no plot against my friend, I just know that she gossips, so I don't tell her things that are too personal.

[non_stuck]

The BPD in my life tells outlandish lies.  She is big into “experts say” or a "new study". . . and then the nonsense comes out of her mouth.  When she can tell by your facial expression that you don’t believe her she stammers.  It seems that the goal of these statements is to impress me with knowledge she wants to pretend to have. She also seems to lie about her background. What is the best way to handle attention seeking lies? 

The other (I feel) untruths are about her supposed parental alienation case.  She has a blog where she alleges all kinds of legal, drug, psychiatric troubles and breakdowns of her daughter. She writes that the doctor won’t discuss her daughter with her because of “evil manipulation” on the part of her ex. I think the truth is pretty simple. She violates her daughter’s privacy to call attention to herself online, and whatever she does learn is published on the Internet for strangers to read. She writes these blogs  and postings in her own name, and sometimes  posts on local boards in the town where she used to live, I think, to humiliate her ex and punish her daughter. Therefore, the daughter and co-parent don’t trust her, and information is not given. How does one respond when they are hit with delusional talk about plots against a person when they are just dealing with consequences of behaving in a toxic manner? I have a friend who is a blabber-mouth so I don’t share anything with her that I wouldn’t post on Facebook. There is no plot against my friend, I just know that she gossips, so I don't tell her things that are too personal.

[Linda Maria]

Hi nonstuck!  I find this business about the lies fascinating.  My sister has - I believe - undiagnosed BPD.  She really turned on me last year after my Mum died, and has been doing her best to make my life hell for the last 18 months.  It is coming slowly to an end now, with the help of solicitors, as I could not get my Mum's estate sorted out any other way.  It was the madness and scale of the lies that made me realise last year that this was more than just nastiness.  Not only were the lies really vile, they were really weird, and she wasn't just telling other people these lies - she kept writing to me, accusing me of all these things.  I couldn't understand the point of writing to me with these accusations, as clearly I knew they weren't true, and initially assumed she did too, so what was the point?  That was the thing that was really making me feel ill - it was like hate mail, just sent to send me mad.  But after a while I started researching, and realised that pathological lying was a characteristic of BPD, and it was quite normal for the lies to not serve any purpose.  Some of the lies she was telling about me didn't make sense, in the sense that - even if I had done whatever it was, it didn't change our legal position as executors and beneficiaries, so telling the solicitor all these stories didn't help anyone.  Even if they had believed her, it didn't mean they would or could suddenly sign everything over to her because they thought I was a bad person.  The biggest revelation was when I realised that, having been feeling terrible that people might believe this stuff and think I was awful, most people saw things pretty clearly.  They didn't necessarily want to get involved - understandably - but they could tell within seconds of reading the letters, or hearing her stories, that they didn't stack up.  The stories have got wilder over the last few months, and she has contradicted herself a great deal.  But I also think that in the moment, they really do believe these things.  I don't think you can ever understand it, the best you can hope for is to be able to see it clearly for what it is, so you get enough perspective on it to distance yourself, stop beating yourself up, feeling guilty whatever.  You will never convince them they are wrong, and the next time, they will either have forgotten it, or will deny they ever said it.  Even if you have written proof!  So you have to give yourself closure by accepting it's their problem, and you can't solve it.  You cannot get closure from them - they are incapable of providing it.  Once you stop expecting anything of them, and focus on your needs, life gets a lot simpler.  I wish you well.

[non_stuck]

Thanks. I'm sorry about what you are going through! That must be a true ordeal. Thank you for your insights.   

[goingtostopthis]

My ex BPD boyfriend lies as well. It has not been in my best interest to check out his FB page but I did and he is still at it in his way.  He creates this illusion of him self as being this really good jazz musician and tells his fb friends, things like, Oh ya... .Ive played a couple of gigs with a local studio musician in town, bla bla bla. He has a picture of himself as a profile playing this sax like hes really playing it when the picture was taken.  He has another alto and and flute set up on a stand like he picks it up all the time.  I am sorry.  I heard him play. He cant play. Hes been playing the same simple jazz tune for about 10 years now. That's all he can play. I could go on with my own back ground in music as to why I know he cant play, I dont need to bother.  Id say he about Beginner level and a little below that even. You know how nails down a chalk board sound? That's him.  Bless his heart, he really loves the instrument but he doesnt practice at all.  He just picks it up and thinks it sounds good and something in you goes: Oh my God... .

                                      Anyways,  I think this lying thing is interesting too. It also has to do with people who create false images of themselves in order to get attention.  It makes me angry because everything I am, I truely am and have worked darn hard for it.  As a BPD this ex tottally ignored my background. I went to a special Jazz school for two years in Boston so I know how to improvize, but as it is with BPD's, I wasnt to have the same amount of attention as he got. All he wants is for people to ouee and ahhhh him all time and the only way he can get it is by this fake persona he puts up on line. Ive noticed he can only get immature girls to like him who know nothing about music and only believe what they see. He has his own little pretend Ego world of his 5 followers and I suppose he Flipped on me because I accidently punctured it with the truth. Kind of like Dorothy and the bucket of water splashing on the witch. I didnt mean to do it. 

                          All I know is that being around people who lie have taught me to never lie. They dont know how foolish they make themselves look. It also makes it easy to see right through them and know when you are being manipulated. They dont know how easy they make it for themselves to be manipulated as well. There is nothing there to respect.   

[non_stuck]

Thanks for your input. It's interesting that you say persona. The woman I have to deal with has this fake overly eager grin on her face all the time.  My MIL is a very positive person and I feel is being taken advantage of. MIL eats up all of the woman's grinning and the wide eyes. I find it creepy. She also lays it on really thick when she speaks.  She said, "I miss my mother soo much." I got a weird feeling in my stomach when she said that. I stopped myself from saying, "You miss your mother so much that you met your boyfriend in June, and then spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family?" Side note: (she broke up with him late Oct last year and then got back together with him the week before Thanksgiving. Why deal with the consequences of your behavior when you can latch on to new people?) She supposedly just bought a condo just before they met, but conveniently ditched it. She got him to start house shopping by January or February and they moved in together three months later. Wonder what happened to "condo in an historic building?" She also said that she was "about to get her Master's" when we met her and then at Thanksgiving told us, "I checked and all of my graduate level credits are too old, so I can't get my Master's." Uh huh? I hate it when that happens.

I will admit that my BIL looks happy when I see him, but I was happy for the most part when I was planning to marry my first husband who had anti-social personality disorder.  If these people were mean on the first date they wouldn't have BFs or GFs. He also is developmentally disabled and can't tell if someone is lying much less trying to be manipulative.

[amliving4me2]

Yes! Lies, lies, lies! My uBPD mother took to writing terrible lies on a public forum.  Not just about me, but she included my husband and three children.  She also announced on a PUBLIC forum the place we live and our jobs! I have endured many, many, hateful lies throughout my life.  Most recently, she wrote me a scathing letter listing all the "horrible" things I supposedly did as a child/teenager/young adult.  None of which are true.  I have lived a very boring, straight-and-narrow life.  It's as if her recollection of me, and the life I've actually lived, we're not shared by the two of us.  I have yet to reply to her hateful letter, because I am done defending myself and my character.

I understand what you're going through, and I'm sorry.

[Louise7777]

"Thanks for your input. It's interesting that you say persona. The woman I have to deal with has this fake overly eager grin on her face all the time.  My MIL is a very positive person and I feel is being taken advantage of. MIL eats up all of the woman's grinning and the wide eyes."

Oh, the wide crazy eyes and the fixed grin! I call it "mask". Always the same expression of euphoria! I see it in an uBPD/ HPD relative.

I think lying is part of their lives. Mine live in some kind of Wonderland, full of chaos, delusions of grandeur and big events. Trith is, their lives are boring and not extraordinary at all, as they like to portray.

How do I deal with lies? I have so many uPDs in my life that sometimes I just want to run to the hills. But I learnt to never burst their bubble, I use medium chill and try not to be dragged in all that. But sometimes my ego speaks stronger and I just give them some look like "I know you are lying". And they look back at me with rage in their eyes. 

[Deb]

My experiences with dBPD sister and uBPD/NPD ex friend aew thatnthey will say whatever pops into their heads. Unfortunately with the exfriend, whatever pops out becomes her "truth." Fortunately, people have commented on that!  As for dBPDsib, she goes full waif mode and people believe her.  But since I don't have contact with her or her current friends, I just don't care. I know the truth and that is all I need.

[non_stuck]

Thank you all so much for your comments. It means a lot to not feel alone in this.

I need to remember to keep my breathing deep when I'm around this person. I also need to remember that the Cheshire Cat grin can't hurt me even though I have a visceral response to it.