when exBPDs move on...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

... .do they choose an easier "target"?

even after removing my emotions, i can objectively say that of my ex's current gf.

has anyone else thought this?

[pieceofme]

... .do they choose an easier "target"?

even after removing my emotions, i can objectively say that of my ex's current gf.

has anyone else thought this?

[mitchell16]

i used to wonder about it. But now i dont. BUt if i had to guessmy will go back to dating an older man. Me and her was pretty clsoe to the same age, education level etc... .but prior to me she always dated older men. alot older then her like 15 to 20 years. way beneath her in attractiveness. I alwasy though she did that cause it gave her total control over the relationship. She used to tell me that all of the other men never complained about her behavior. and I guess that wsa true she was so pretty, sexual that these older men would adore her.

[SpringInMyStep]

... .do they choose an easier "target"?

even after removing my emotions, i can objectively say that of my ex's current gf.

has anyone else thought this?

Yeah, this is probably the reason I've continued to check out her online dating profile. It's been interesting to note the changes she's made to it over the past few months, because it's obvious that she has not been getting the responses she wants, so keeps altering it to try again. She's very desperate for "new connections" in her life but I just think that when people find out how nuts she is, they move on. I honestly think it's best if we try and stop worrying about what they're doing. I know it's tempting to want to warn everyone to stay away from her, but we can't do that. I do think my exBPDw is trying to surround herself with other people who are like her, but she finds that those relationships are not stable. I know for a fact that she was dating two women, one of which was BPD, until the BPDgf threatened to kill the other one. Well what did you expect?

I think part of what still bothers me is that I offered her a chance to have a "normal" life, stability, love, without dysfunction and chaos, but she didn't want that. She needs chaos in her life and I need peace.

[thatwasthat]

I don't think they ever move on, they never have closure. We move on from bad episodes in our lives (not only speaking of relationships.) I think "they" don't have that "luxury," because they only repress instead of leaning into things and thus working through them... .their life's just a continous clusterfk.

That being said.

I thought about it before. I don't really know. I am sure that all people getting involved with them and stay after they start showing their dysfunctional behavior are definitely part of a pretty specific "target demographic." But I don't think they necessarily go for an easier target.

I just can't believe that they would get to pick and still find a replacement asap?

I think they check out several people simultaneously and who sticks... .sticks.

In retrospect I am sure that towards the end she was in contact with some guy, when she was preparing to dump me. Constant texting etc. But for whatever reason that stopped abruptly.

She dumped me anyways. After dumping me she went very LC, and became horrible and cut me out completely once she found the replacement she is now with.

Is he an easier target? I don't know. Something tells me he isn't weaker than me. But you never know people behind their facade. Someone that has a girl move to the opposite coast to move in with him after just a month... .there has to be something.

Actually an interesting thought. I always thought... .wow. There seem to be way more PD girls out there than one might think.

But there also seem to be more soft hearted and "good" people out there than one might think. People like us.

How would they find replacements that fast if it wasn't for that fact?

[Dutched]

IMHO indeed a BPD move ON… a BPD does not move FORWARD, like we are doing, at least trying to do.

A BPD represses their grieve, trying to switch feeling of, as those feelings are far too much to handle. As a BPD feels far more intense, like 3rd degree burning wounds so sensitive (Marscha Linehan).

SO in order to keep grieve/pain/anger suppressed a BPD must flee into activities that give a good feeling

However, when the audience is gone, a BPD is confronted with their empty self, day after day.

I am 4yrs out of a 30+ yrs r/s. 2 weeks ago I met her face to face after years of shameful hiding. Why, now? She felt confident as she was sitting at a table with her soother. A guy about 12-14 yrs older than her, retired or almost ( the best she could get?).

Anyway, as posted by me around August when I saw some pictures of her, she was NOT happy, her eyes still empty, dead, no sparkling in it at all (huh, together with her soother,  a happy new life, assimilated his hobbies, doing things she categorically used to refuse, etc).

She had a wrinkled face and was skinny.  Summary: ex is not on her baseline, not happy at all! It’s appearance, a mask!

Profound, still wearing my earrings… as I addressed that, her Soother almost felt from his chair, so to speak…   

And soother, a total “affair down”; appearance, weight, income and social class! Even already FAILED to stand up for her when she was in “danger”, because of me!

He missed all subtle signs ex gave to get his attention.

I addressed it cynical as “doesn’t he even see your desperate signs for help as I do?”

Ex was totally surprised! Silence, deep thinking and after realising that, her facial expression became very disappointed.

So this crack, a major one, will be memorized.

 

How hard it may be, how painful to see them to move ON… think about moving FORWARD. 

And as I now experienced it, the soother is such an easy target she hooked. Must say, of course a woman open and hunting for a man… she was for him too, specially when you at retirement age 

[fromheeltoheal]

I say borderlines look for attachments, that is really the only criteria, if they can form an emotional bond and get their needs met, doesn't matter if they're older, younger, richer, poorer, whatever, and it might be tempting to see our ex with some slug, but that's a judgement in its own right and gives us a feeling of superiority.

The real strength or 'value' of a partner of a borderline is someone who's strong enough to walk away when the sht shows up, and the ones who hang around for the abuse, not so much.  Borderlines know that too; they end up having a lot more respect for the ones who leave them than the ones who stick around to be sht on; I got more respect from her as she chased me after I left than I ever got from her in the relationship, and I could feel the pain she was in as the attachment was being severed, and I'm fine with that.

[Deeno02]

I don't think they ever move on, they never have closure. We move on from bad episodes in our lives (not only speaking of relationships.) I think "they" don't have that "luxury," because they only repress instead of leaning into things and thus working through them... .their life's just a continous clusterfk.

That being said.

I thought about it before. I don't really know. I am sure that all people getting involved with them and stay after they start showing their dysfunctional behavior are definitely part of a pretty specific "target demographic." But I don't think they necessarily go for an easier target.

I just can't believe that they would get to pick and still find a replacement asap?

I think they check out several people simultaneously and who sticks... .sticks.

In retrospect I am sure that towards the end she was in contact with some guy, when she was preparing to dump me. Constant texting etc. But for whatever reason that stopped abruptly.

She dumped me anyways. After dumping me she went very LC, and became horrible and cut me out completely once she found the replacement she is now with.

Is he an easier target? I don't know. Something tells me he isn't weaker than me. But you never know people behind their facade. Someone that has a girl move to the opposite coast to move in with him after just a month... .there has to be something.

Actually an interesting thought. I always thought... .wow. There seem to be way more PD girls out there than one might think.

But there also seem to be more soft hearted and "good" people out there than one might think. People like us.

How would they find replacements that fast if it wasn't for that fact?

16 month r/s, dumped, days later with her old college buddy. Im not idiot. I believe this had been planned for sometime, and while she didnt cheat on me physically, im sure emotionally it probably was happening. How else could they move that fast? I dont think im so soft hearted anymore. Tired of giving and giving, and keep being fed ___ sandwiches. 2 months later, I have zero interest in dating, zero.

[Raybo48]

I don't think they ever move on, they never have closure. We move on from bad episodes in our lives (not only speaking of relationships.) I think "they" don't have that "luxury," because they only repress instead of leaning into things and thus working through them... .their life's just a continous clusterfk.

That being said.

I thought about it before. I don't really know. I am sure that all people getting involved with them and stay after they start showing their dysfunctional behavior are definitely part of a pretty specific "target demographic." But I don't think they necessarily go for an easier target.

I just can't believe that they would get to pick and still find a replacement asap?

I think they check out several people simultaneously and who sticks... .sticks.



In retrospect I am sure that towards the end she was in contact with some guy, when she was preparing to dump me. Constant texting etc. But for whatever reason that stopped abruptly.

She dumped me anyways. After dumping me she went very LC, and became horrible and cut me out completely once she found the replacement she is now with.

Is he an easier target? I don't know. Something tells me he isn't weaker than me. But you never know people behind their facade. Someone that has a girl move to the opposite coast to move in with him after just a month... .there has to be something.

Actually an interesting thought. I always thought... .wow. There seem to be way more PD girls out there than one might think.

But there also seem to be more soft hearted and "good" people out there than one might think. People like us.

How would they find replacements that fast if it wasn't for that fact?

I agree completely with your statement about who sticks, sticks... That's  why most of them run to a dating site or are on one during the rs with us.  I mean regular people go on those too don't get me wrong, but it's like catching fish in a barrel with the BPD.  Ton's of supply.  My ex has 8 different selfies on her profile on her dating site... Says shes a casual smoker (smokes 2 packs a day) and is a casual drinker (is the worst alcoholic I've ever seen, and two separate sponsors she's had agree with that assessment).  They get to paint their False Self anyway they want in the wonderful world of social media and no one will ever know.

[merlin4926]

Fromheeltoheel

"Borderlines know that too; they end up having a lot more respect for the ones who leave them than the ones who stick around to be sht on; I got more respect from her as she chased me after I left"

that makes sense. I told him I was done (still put up with far more than I should - can't believe I did looking back now) but I do feel he hates me more than he would if he was the one that if  he was the one that finally ended it. I don't think he believed I would ever walk away and he'll never forgive me for doing that

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromheeltoheel

"Borderlines know that too; they end up having a lot more respect for the ones who leave them than the ones who stick around to be sht on; I got more respect from her as she chased me after I left"

that makes sense. I told him I was done (still put up with far more than I should - can't believe I did looking back now) but I do feel he hates me more than he would if he was the one that if  he was the one that finally ended it. I don't think he believed I would ever walk away and he'll never forgive me for doing that

Yeah, but the love/hate thing is just part of the push/pull nature of the disorder; I could be loved and hated several times in the same day.  It doesn't matter anymore; I'll settle for respect, which I know I got.

[CareTaker]

that makes sense. I told him I was done (still put up with far more than I should - can't believe I did looking back now) but I do feel he hates me more than he would if he was the one that if  he was the one that finally ended it. I don't think he believed I would ever walk away and he'll never forgive me for doing that

I think you right. After 3 years I walked out, and about 2 weeks later I got a message asking to meet for drinks. Although it ripped my heart out, I said NO

You can guess the reply I got.

Two weeks later she had the replacement, and changed pics on her whatsapp and FB, daily. All showing the great fun she is having. I believe this was an attempt to spite me, and get me to call. But that is the last thing I will do. Simply because in her mind, she has her speech made up, just waiting for me to make contact.

I made things easier, I deleted all our pics, her contact details and my fb. Although I am feeling better now, it has been a long road to recovery. I will not let her play with my feelings, and would rather let her wonder why I don't make contact.

Who ever that happy chappy is on her pics, mate you have a surprise coming your way.

She desperately wants a baby... .good luck with that, I couldn't do it.