Hello and glad to have found this board

[Ezmerelda]

Hello. I have just discovered this board and have already found some helpful info. My daughter is 19 and has been newly diagnosed with BPD, but she has had this behavior for many years. We have tried therapy, counseling, and medication, none of which helped. Probably because she does not feel there is anything wrong with her behavior, only how she has been treated.

She has many, many wonderful traits but she is starting to alienate her two sisters, and I find I'm losing patience with having to soothe her tantrums all the time. I really need help with how to deal with her, as she calls me in the middle of the night demanding attention, and threatens to kill herself if I don't keep talking to her. Is this manipulation? And how do I deal with this?

Thanks,

Ezmerelda

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Ezmerelda and 

Sometimes what we as parents see as manipulation really is just our child with BPD's way of coping or dealing with their dysfunctional thinking... .Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? Every single one of them will give you a great background of information that will help you understand how your daughter thinks, and why she acts the way she does.

Also, at the top of this Board's Main Page, you will see 4 photos with links below them, and the Articles at those links will really amaze you with the insights and tips available... .I'm sorry that she doesn't think she needs treatment (and the Article about helping your child in Treatment has great insights and advice for us as parents, even if our child is not in Treatment at this time), but there really are things you can do now to help her, and to help make your family's life better.

Please keep reading all you can on this site, and tell us more about what is going on with your daughter... .Everyone on this Board will be able to commiserate with you, and we do want to help you, Ezmerelda 

[Ezmerelda]

Thanks Rapt Reader, i will definitely check out the links. i think this board will be a good place for me. Thank you so much!

[jellibeans]

Welcome  Ezmerelda... .I am glad you have found us. Rapt has pointed you in the right direction and I really thought reading the articles here was very helpful to me. The communication and boundary articles were really waht I needed. Can you tell us a bit more about your dd19? Has she had many suicide attempts? Where is she living now? I really have received so much help and guidance here that I really don't know where I would be without it. 

[Ezmerelda]

Thank you jellibeans! She has not had any suicide attempts but has threatened twice, and both times we took her to the emergency room, but when we got there she denied being suicidal. She is a sophomore in college and has had these issues since she was little. She can be very loving but then can turn around and be just as hateful. I've been very lucky with her though, in that, she does not believe in drinking or doing drugs, takes her schoolwork seriously, and is generally very close to me.

However, her behavior is definitely borderline... .feels empty and worthless, has depression, has very little patience and a short fuse (though no violence besides slamming doors and yelling). And EVERY situation she has to deal with, no matter how minor or trivial, is MONUMENTAL to her, and has difficulty coping.

This translates into her calling me in the middle of the night or at work to rant and rave for hours. Every time i try to get off the phone with her because I need to sleep or need to work (single parent trying to support three children) she threatens suicide and becomes hateful. So, then I feel guilty, frustrated, hopefull, well... .I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it. We have been to so many counselors who really have no clue what to do. The usual solutions with those who are depressed or suicidal really don't seem to work. And that's all they have for advice.

I have called suicide hotlines and i always get the same kinds of advice, that really don't work with her. Counseling, medication, nothing has had any effect. I don't know where to turn anymore. My other children get really scared when she threatens to kill herself, but they are also getting fed up with the drama.

[Ezmerelda]

I meant to say "hopeless" above when I said hopeful. I am hopeful now, though, since i found this board. Can't wait to read the material. So good to have found this board   

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Ezmeralda,



Welcome among us! It must be really stressful to be getting these phone-calls in the middle of the night and your dd threatening suicide if you don't keep talking... .

I am curious - what have the hotlines etc. recommend that hasn't worked so far?

There is this workshop on how to deal with threats of suicide and it goes through different options, depending on what your situation is. Here is the link, I hope you find it helpful:

Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

In general, I would try to find a way to NOT reward her threats with giving her what she demands, because it will only reinforce the pattern and she would learn to threaten suicide any time she wants something that others can't don't want to give.

That being said, it is also VERY IMPORTANT to deal with the threat in a way that will keep her safe, as ignoring the threat might provoke an actual suicide attempt. When dealing with the threat, safety is the priority, while not rewarding the behavior with extra attention (that can also be rewarding and teach the person to use suicide threats more).

Welcome among us again, and please feel free to share, and ask any questions you have, ok?

[nzmum]

  Ezmeralda 

We have an 'undiagnosed' DD17 (in NZ they do not diagnose teens  ) and were turned around by this board 

This video below (BPD In Adolescence: Early Detection and Intervention - Blaise Aguirre, MD )has been an amazing helpto DH and I understanding about 'manipulation' and quite alot more.

Don't be put off that it's 40mins - you will not be bored at all - in fact we bet you watch it more than once like we did!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4KjxxPp3Ls&feature=player_detailpage

[jellibeans]

Ezmerelda

I do think you will get the support you need here and really that is so important when family and friends really don't understand. I want to suggest you get the book by Valerie Porr called "Overcoming BPD" it really did help be a great deal. Have you tried a DBT therapist? Dialectical behavior therapy... .this is not talk therapy but more to do with learning tools so the person can cope better with crisis. this kind of therapy has helped me a great deal. My dd17 saw a T for a couple of years and she just hated her and hated going. I managed to find a DBT T and she really started to improve then. She was in group for a bit and I am not sure that helped but it gave her a place to belong. It really depends on your kid... .my dd also picked up some bad habits as well... .she likes to mirror behaviors so who ever she is around she takes on their traits. Does your dd have friends?