It's over

[christoff522]

After many hours, I ended it yesterday at 2359.

She hates me - she says she does anyway.

I gave her many reasons why this had to be the case.

I'm numb. I'm so overwhelmed by heartache, I've just stood in my garden smoking cigarettes, listening to the perfect songs for this occasion drinking gin and tonic.

I truly truly love her, this isn't co-dep, this isn't insecurities or anything, I love her with all my heart. I want her so badly it's like I'll never love anyone ever again.

I want to say "this had to be done", "I need to move on". But right now, I just want to see her again, kiss her, make love to her and all of this go away.

Like I said to her, our souls are intertwined, maybe one day we'll meet again. :'(

[Blimblam]

Yes, your souls are intertwined but she is a collector of souls.

And love is a bittersweet madness.

[myself]

Those are some of the hardest most painful steps, when you're first really walking away. Facing the whole truth and nothing but. She most likely doesn't hate you, it's more the messed up (disordered) situation and that she can not really deal with it better. I loved mine, too. She was close with me so many times, and then ran away an equal amount. Eventually I had to let go, quit expecting her to change, etc. Getting my own life in order. That's probably where you are now. Sending support and best of luck to you.

[antonio1213]

Yes, your souls are intertwined but she is a collector of souls.

And love is a bittersweet madness.

What do you mean she is a collector of souls?

And christoff522 it sucks and I know how you feel. You are making the right choice. BPDs will destroy you if you stay with them

[Mutt]

You made a really tough call christoff522. That takes guts. I'm sorry.

[christoff522]

Thank you guys.

I don't think she's a 'collector of souls', I don't understand what that means. She's a broken person trying to survive as best as she can. I've gotten over the "she's a demon" thing I used to think back in the day. I understand why she thinks this guy is the one. I honestly do see the disorder, and I also know how much I've hurt her by leaving. I know she doesn't hate me, I know she loves me - but in her own way, one that if she was single, she'd be with me. In fact if we spent time together in person I know stuff would happen between us. But she can't leave him, she needs him in her life. I just can't be around it. I can't be some sad little hanger on waiting for a fantasy. I actually said as much to her.

I know that in a way I've betrayed her by leaving her. Maybe she did hope that when they broke up she could be with me and maybe thats part of the reason she wanted me in her life, but I can't wait, I don't think I'll be getting into a relationship any time soon. I thought dating would help - it doesn't.

I also don't expect her to change, I want her to get help but it's not my place, and even if I was her SO I wouldn't expect her to change. With the security of her being my girl I would adapt and be much more emotionally capable of handling it, she's not that bad.

Like myself said, its the situation that she can't deal with, she feels abandoned, I've basically done something that everyone does, no wonder she 'hates' me, even though i know she doesn't really. That doesn't get to me.

I feel that abandonment anxiety now though, that fear of being alone without her.

Yes, love is a bittersweet madness. Especially in this situation. BPD is a painful thing, I think without it she wouldn't have looked at me twice, in fact her whole life would be completely different. None of the guys she's been with would she have been with. I feel so bad for her, I just hope that the relationship she's in turns out to be just what she needs - and that makes it hurt more - because it isn't. I know I'd be a better choice, I know that nobody loves her like I do. Who knows what the future holds, maybe she will find happiness.

Did I make the right choice by leaving? without question YES.

If anything it'll change the entire paradigm of our relationship, let things cool off, keep me out of the painful evidence of her relationship with someone else. Give me and her more space to grow. Allow me to detach, let her make the mistakes she needs to make. Thank you everyone here for being there for me, I don't know how I would have felt without the replies I've just read.

[Blimblam]

Yes, your souls are intertwined but she is a collector of souls.

And love is a bittersweet madness.

What do you mean she is a collector of souls?

And christoff522 it sucks and I know how you feel. You are making the right choice. BPDs will destroy you if you stay with them

They attach to many people looking for that soul mate connection. While you or I might find it once she just has that ability to attach to people that way.

[lovethebeach]

I know exactly how you are feeling and I know how deeply difficult it is... .feeling as if your heart is breaking.

Take it minute by minute, until you can take it hour by hour and day by day. You are strong enough! You can do this!

[christoff522]

They attach to many people looking for that soul mate connection. While you or I might find it once she just has that ability to attach to people that way.

Yes, yes you are right they do. Theres always someone new liking her photos. Weirdly, i feel there was something more between us - sorry, IS something more. Its been the over-arching narrative of our relationship, both intimate and platonic.

[christoff522]

I know exactly how you are feeling and I know how deeply difficult it is... .feeling as if your heart is breaking.

Take it minute by minute, until you can take it hour by hour and day by day. You are strong enough! You can do this!

Thank you, I am taking it minute by minute right now, I must have checked my phone 50 times in the last two hours, I've been distracting myself by catching up on my youtube shows haha. Bed soon... .and peace hopefully. I am honestly hoping that tomorrow when I've slept, given my brain a chance to process all this I will feel a million times better. One thing that really helps is deleting all that contact information from my phone. Whilst I do have her number, its a 'just in case' thing, and it's in a drawer in my room. Knowing that I have to go all the way up there to message her, really helps. I know I can message her, and I know I can't at the same time.

Rambling slightly.

Thank you lovethebeach.

[patientandclear]

Weirdly, i feel there was something more between us - sorry, IS something more. Its been the over-arching narrative of our relationship, both intimate and platonic.

I think people with BPD have an uncanny ability to evoke this feeling in a remarkably large number and broad array of people.  I'd have sworn there was something transcendently important, good, special between me and my ex.  But when I see the carnage in his wake both before me and since, I have to say, it appears he makes lots of women feel this way.

Not saying it's not true in your case ... .but man, I think that notion that we were special can cause us a tremendous amount of harm.

[lovethebeach]

We're all in this together. One step at a time!

[Blimblam]

Weirdly, i feel there was something more between us - sorry, IS something more. Its been the over-arching narrative of our relationship, both intimate and platonic.

I think people with BPD have an uncanny ability to evoke this feeling in a remarkably large number and broad array of people.  I'd have sworn there was something transcendently important, good, special between me and my ex.  But when I see the carnage in his wake both before me and since, I have to say, it appears he makes lots of women feel this way.

Not saying it's not true in your case ... .but man, I think that notion that we were special can cause us a tremendous amount of harm.

Yes, evocation. Yet we choose what we invoked. Evocation, invocation, projection, transference, projective identification, introjective identification, working through all this using schema modes emotions and archetypes and the karpman drama triangle. Doing this work has really shown me who I am.

[christoff522]

I think people with BPD have an uncanny ability to evoke this feeling in a remarkably large number and broad array of people.  I'd have sworn there was something transcendently important, good, special between me and my ex.  But when I see the carnage in his wake both before me and since, I have to say, it appears he makes lots of women feel this way.

Not saying it's not true in your case ... .but man, I think that notion that we were special can cause us a tremendous amount of harm.

You know, I used to agree with this. Maybe it's something I have to learn again. I have absolute total heartache right now, so you're probably right. She is a little waif, life is against her and everything sucks in her world... maybe it's my white-knight stabbing at me, telling me she needs me, or maybe its my insecurities telling me I need her. Maybe it's all just an excuse I'm giving myself to go back. "we were special, go back, text her, go onnn".

eugh

[christoff522]

We're all in this together. One step at a time!

YES, YES WE ARE  

[christoff522]

Weirdly, i feel there was something more between us - sorry, IS something more. Its been the over-arching narrative of our relationship, both intimate and platonic.

I think people with BPD have an uncanny ability to evoke this feeling in a remarkably large number and broad array of people.  I'd have sworn there was something transcendently important, good, special between me and my ex.  But when I see the carnage in his wake both before me and since, I have to say, it appears he makes lots of women feel this way.

Not saying it's not true in your case ... .but man, I think that notion that we were special can cause us a tremendous amount of harm.

Yes, evocation. Yet we choose what we invoked. Evocation, invocation, projection, transference, projective identification, introjective identification, working through all this using schema modes emotions and archetypes and the karpman drama triangle. Doing this work has really shown me who I am.

I'm so glad that you've reached this pinnacle Blim. You've certainly learned a lot in the time I've known you. My progress is through uncovering my alpha, don juan, masculinity etc, and I'm still at the beginning of it really. I do know that if I had of gone through this 6 months ago (although you could say that I did ha) I would have been a lot worse, and in fact I was. I was angry, I was bitter. Now I'm resolved, I can admit that I love her and still let her go. In fact, although she'll never know this, it's because I love her that I'm letting her go. With the goal that either

a. we'll both be happy apart, or

b. she'll come back to me one day and we'll be happy together.

c. One of us can be happy apart.

I know that I'll find who I am, I'm learning every day, I started today telling her I was basically going NC, and I finished today going NC. That for me is tremendous progress, and its a giant leap forward in my perception of what a healthy relationship is. Just like the catchline of this forum is, Attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom - It's a great buddhist AND Christian truth that the cause of all (or some in the Christian sense) suffering is attachment, whether it be to a person or an object or a fantasy.

I know that this love is beautiful and healthy in the right context, but when it's pointed towards someone like her, someone who of course deserves love, but who cannot reciprocate it healthily, its neither fair on her or myself. I mean, how can she deal with that? She can't even deal with her own life, its not fair on her to do this, nor is it fair on me to have to suffer watching her idealize someone else, and claim love for him. This poor girl is going to suffer all her life, and even if she does end up spending the rest of her life with him, it's going to be a living hell for everyone involved - including myself if I stayed around.

I honestly and truthfully wish her all the best in life. Maybe one day we will through God's will, or fate or something meet up, get together - I will never discount that possibility. But right now, being apart is the best thing for us both, and then lets just see what the future holds. I could meet someone else, or not, I don't know, but knowing that tomorrow is a new day, that my suffering will cease one day... thats something she cannot have, and if I continued in this screwed up half-relationship neither would I have that, instead it would be "what new hell does life have for me today?".

Man I'm seriously venting tonight! But I'm SOO glad I'm over the anger.

[myself]

We're talking BPD/traits here. So it's both, isn't it?

We were very special to many of them, and we weren't.

Loving someone with a mental illness doesn't negate our love.

[Blimblam]

Christoff

The pain in part of the journey to self discovery. I know who I am but defining who I will be in this life is the confusion. It wasn't at my pinnacle I found my self it was at my lowest point in the throes of suffering.  That's when I found Christ.

It was the extremely painful journey of forgiveness something I am still working through. You love and devotion to this wounded soul is not for nothing. 

Like myself wisely stated. To rephrase it was all true and all false it was both simultaneously. The fantasy was as real as anything in this world. Underneath all the fantasy that unconditional love and compassion was and is real. Like was states they seek to evoke this in their attachments and not everyone she attaches to will find this in themself. Many attachement may merely invoke ego gratification and use her not open themselves because of their boundaries and preservation of their ego. Because of their attachment to their ego.  When you invoke the deepest parts of yourself, that unconditional love and compassion you make yourself completely vulnerable. Unfortunately that triggers the disorder becUse of her trust issues. Then I'm her betrayl and devaluing you come to know how the disorder feels about this most vulnerable part of the self. Leaving you in unimaginable agony. Left to forgive all this fear pain shame and suffering. To reunite and consolidate your true self with your experiences that make up who you exist as in this life. 

That might have got a bit esoteric but the path of unconditional love, compassion, and forgiveness is one of knowing suffering to let go of your attachments from the material.

[CareTaker]

In support of christoff522 I really want to add my 2c worth here as well.

I was in a relationship for 3 years. I don't know the time or day, but walked out about 2 months ago, and never made contact again. I just couldn't handle doing so much, and getting insulted and abused so often. For every good deed, there is a punishment. To sum it up, it was the most horrible relationship I have ever had. I gave everything, and got nothing in return.

Yet, I loved this woman. There just is something about her. Call it an addiction, call it an unresolved issue from my childhood, call it whatever you want. I loved this woman. Period.

But, I just knew I had to let go. She is 34 and I have been the longest relationship she has ever had. She wanted a baby, desperately. I couldn't do it. Dunno why... .?

I just had this feeling. Something was holding me back.

Two weeks after I left, she had picked up her next victim on a dating site. I am recovering, picking up the pieces of my life. She has just moved on as if nothing matters.

I will never go back, although she had text me some time ago and asked to meet for drinks.

I just said : NO. I know I must get this out my mind, because somewhere, someday her life is going to come crashing down on her. All these failed relationships, and the pain she never addressed at the time, will eventually catch up. That day I don't want to be close to her.

[Blimblam]

You'll get through this Christoph hang in there man. Let the heart feel the pain it's not the kind of thing the mind can process besides ruminating. 

[christoff522]

She texted me last night. Stupid stuff but just reaching out to me. I replied... just basically saying i want her to be happy. She then rang me today and I answered. The only two words I said were okay (repeatedly) and bye. She basically she told me things i cant repeat cos theyre private. But she also added that im not nothing to her and that I AM 'something'. This is the real inarticulatable love. Something so terrifying to a BPD that they cannot even dare to think about it for fear of annihilation.

That is why shes literally just text me as I was writing this. I am so much better today... despite a headache.

[lovethebeach]

Do you still want it to be over? Or are you re-considering?

The heart and the brain are two entirely separate entities.

I know what you mean about truly loving and how scary it can be for them. But, I think you have a good grasp on things?

Sending 

[TonyK]

Hi, there, friend,

What you did took a great deal of guts. The fact that you ended it shows that there's a very healthy part of your self somewhere down there, which reacted - very healthfully indeed - and dictated your decision to go.

For this decision I can only give you credit and congratulate you deeply! She wasn't leading you to happiness. Ever. This is the only sure thing in the whole matter.

Like I said to her, our souls are intertwined, maybe one day we'll meet again. :'(

Your souls are, indeed, intertwined, only as long as you keep your mind confined within this little box of thinking. You've been absorbed by her so much, you think there's no life beyond her. Which, of course, has no relation with reality. But, my words - right now - ring as nonsense in your ears. Which is perfectly normal.

And if you want to, you will meet with her again, I assure you of that. Even after several months, or even a few years, you will. If you keep her ''alive'' in your mind and heart, you will be with her again. And again. And again. In a never-ending cycle of ons and offs. However, no matter how many times you meet her and enter her again, it won't lead you to happiness. It never will. The situation will always be the same. You will be making circles and not moving forward.

Please, take these words as if they were coming from your own self from some time in the future. Because you, right now, is my self from some time in the past... .

[christoff522]

Do you still want it to be over? Or are you re-considering?

I want everything to be okay. Its the first time when im not angry about things. Im just responding to her texts and not contacting her in a vacuum. Im totally reconsidering. She keeps hinting to me how she feels. Theres no rush.

The heart and the brain are two entirely separate entities.

I think God has plans for me. I keep getting hints. Even today i read in my bible reading "never abandon a friend".

I know what you mean about truly loving and how scary it can be for them. But, I think you have a good grasp on things?

I have the worst grasp on things haha. Just muddling through. Without this forum i dont know where i would be.

Sending 

Thank you

[guy4caligirl]

We're all in this together. One step at a time!

YES, YES WE ARE  

after 4 months of separation 5 years RS  she was in touch lately but only for help with money , I played her game was thinking hey she wants to recycle  I am up for that , asked me to get her job back from a distance to be a buyer for my business , today I said that's not going to work at all she was suppose to attend with me several buying shows but I said it's not going to be good staying  in different rooms , I don't think it's a food idea because you wanted to be business only . guess what her respond was after all this I found somebody that respect me and we are getting married sorry I lied to you What ?

[christoff522]

Today was the last straw, the previous "its over" seemed to jog something in her, she became more attached, texting daily numerous times, singing songs again, phone calls... she seemed to be falling for me again. Today she seemed off, i affectionately called her munchkin in a text this morning and she moaned about it, as if it was some sort of insult, I laughed it off.

Later on I sent a text on my break. Hours later she replied saying something about thinking she needed to go the doctors. I talked about it, and then I told her she'd be ok, she agreed, then I said "exactly, no moping!"

Then she said she wasn't moping, but was in fact getting ready to go the cinema.

It then hit me... .she's going to the pictures with her boyfriend. What the f*** am I? I'm her emotional tampon.

So, I sent her a text, telling her its over... .AGAIN. I was even more descriptive than I was previously, explaining to her that... I've now been through this twice, would she have left her previous bf for me? NO, will she leave this one for me? NO

This time she hasn't replied, its been hours. I'm hoping I can get through this night without her texting... if so, I'm home straight... the first night is the problem, its the night when I mope, I'm going bed very soon, going to have a wee bit of alcohol, and then I'm going to sleep.

I tried, I really did, but it gets me nothing back, I noticed that she was only really calling to complain, I was like a sounding board for her rage at the world. She actually rang me the other day, and spend 25 MINUTES ranting about her family. I'm not joking, in that whole time I never said a word... I just listened. Thats MY TIME that I'm giving up for someone whos f***** some other guy. She gets me because she makes it seem like a worthwhile investment. But I know better.

Thanks L, thanks for wasting my time.

[Blimblam]

I'm sorry man. You know where that road leads.  A world of pain. Just when you think things are good the disorder will not only play you a fool but her too. The disorder fools her more than anyone else. Emotional tampon is no fun and once you assume that role for her in my experience she will recycle but not respect you while she seeks out a new replacement so you end up being her crutch between replacements. It's not fun when you really care about them.

The only thing you can win back is your own sense of self when you walk away.

[christoff522]

I'm sorry man. You know where that road leads.  A world of pain. Just when you think things are good the disorder will not only play you a fool but her too. The disorder fools her more than anyone else. Emotional tampon is no fun and once you assume that role for her in my experience she will recycle but not respect you while she seeks out a new replacement so you end up being her crutch between replacements. It's not fun when you really care about them.

The only thing you can win back is your own sense of self when you walk away.

You just nailed my situation in that paragraph sir!

I am a crutch between replacements!

to quote matchbox twenty -

Bring it on then gone, use a lover

Like a cigarette the way that lovers do

One sweet song that starts a little slow and

Then goes on and on and makes you want to

Move around the room in circles

Everybody wants to be you

Try to find my place up on the map

Of all men you've been through

Dig a little deeper and you'll realize

All I'm building up you're tearing down

From the song "crutch"