how do you stop the obsessive thinking?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a real problem with this.  I'd say that 80% of my day is spent thinking either about her directly or else something related to her.  I even have an issue with when I'm talking to people about something completely unrelated I have to stop myself from relating it back to her.

II wish I had some means of turning it off or at least limiting it because it's unhealthy and it changes my emotional state quite dramatically sometimes when I remember a conversation we had or something along those lines.

I try distracting myself but it doesn't last.

[Infern0]

I have a real problem with this.  I'd say that 80% of my day is spent thinking either about her directly or else something related to her.  I even have an issue with when I'm talking to people about something completely unrelated I have to stop myself from relating it back to her.

II wish I had some means of turning it off or at least limiting it because it's unhealthy and it changes my emotional state quite dramatically sometimes when I remember a conversation we had or something along those lines.

I try distracting myself but it doesn't last.

[fromheeltoheal]

For distractions I used alcohol for a while, which is not good, and mountain biking, which is; there is no way you can think of anything else when you're barreling down a hill trying to avoid getting impaled on a tree, plus the feel-good the shower after and the endorphin buzz produces can last for hours.

But you're right, a distraction is temporary.  I say the best thing is to visualize your future life, an awesome life of your design, and make that vision so bright and compelling that it pulls you to it, then take steps in that direction, first as a distraction, yes, but eventually it will just become your life.  Progress builds momentum, and once you start running towards the life of your dreams the borderline and the past will just fade away.  You won't forget, but the emotional energy will be completely gone, promise.

So use it.  You mention it's a real problem, so develop real solutions, and use your desire to be done with it as motivation to dive in deeply.  You may just look back in a year and amaze yourself with the life you've created.

[pieceofme]

I say the best thing is to visualize your future life, an awesome life of your design, and make that vision so bright and compelling that it pulls you to it, then take steps in that direction, first as a distraction, yes, but eventually it will just become your life.  Progress builds momentum, and once you start running towards the life of your dreams the borderline and the past will just fade away.  You won't forget, but the emotional energy will be completely gone, promise.

So use it.  You mention it's a real problem, so develop real solutions, and use your desire to be done with it as motivation to dive in deeply.  You may just look back in a year and amaze yourself with the life you've created.

this is great advice!

but i'm in the same boat, infern0. he's the first and last thing i think about every day. i'm preoccupied with him, our breakup, how quickly he's moved on... .everything. my mind constantly ruminates and i feel restless.

if only "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" was real!

[merlin4926]

Meditation - I found it v v difficult but I'm getting there and its definitely helping. You need to find a good teacher though. I was very cynical but that (and time passing) has really helped x

[neverloveagain]

Let it all go just like they have with you. You will only hold yourself back from new things in yourlife that might be good.

[Aussie0zborn]

I did the same thing until I went on an overseas holiday to a country where you constantly need to keep the women off you. I met a nice one that made me laugh. We laughed non-stop for nearly a month. She still makes me laugh via social media.  I came back home and forgot about my woes.

I now have a girlfriend who makes me laugh. In 4 months, we have never argued or disrespected each other. We have disagreed twice and accepted the difference in opinions in less than ten seconds without so much as a debate.   

Normality seems weird when you haven't seen it for a long time. Find what it is that will work for you. FromHeelToHeal has offered a very good suggestion. I wish I had read that a year ago.

[Indyan]

Same thing here.

I'm starting to think that it's turning into an obsession  :'(

His false accusations, his illness (more schizo than BPD), my problems since he left suddenly (money, house, alone with kids), the future (can he really look after a baby?), what is he (and his paranoia) planning against me, the past (why did I believe his crap?), my lost hopes (caring and nurturing to be left LIKE THIS), the feeling of injustice (he's the victim and tells all his family rubbish), how all this has impacted my D10, and why did I break my previous marriage for a looser like him, will I ever get my life back? AND SO ON.

It just goes round and round in circles. :'(

[Left broken and confused]

I am also obsessing and can't stop myself. As much as I know looking at fb etc isn't helping I can't stop and get my heart broken every day. Today his new gf posted a picture with his son kissing her. They seem to be so happy and together all the time. I feel like there was something wrong with me and maybe he is truly happy now since she seems to give him all the attention he wants. I'm devastated and can't believe it's over

[DangIthurts]

I am also obsessing and can't stop myself. As much as I know looking at fb etc isn't helping I can't stop and get my heart broken every day. Today his new gf posted a picture with his son kissing her. They seem to be so happy and together all the time. I feel like there was something wrong with me and maybe he is truly happy now since she seems to give him all the attention he wants. I'm devastated and can't believe it's over

Just like you weren't they're not ... .My ex has pictures of her family and the last BF on FB and she's smiling with him and it looks so happy... Meanwhile he choked her on that trip nothing is as it appears.

[Hawk Ridge]

I want to stop too

[Deeno02]

I have very hard times too. This weekend being one of them. I continue NC (43 days now) and move along. Staying busy... i didnt this weekend, hence my issue. Ive thrown out all her ___, no phone number, no text, no FB, no instagram,  no pictures, no nothing. I have not seen her in 43 days, but the memory remains. I saw a picture today in the High School handout they give out (she coaches my sons VB team) and i didnt get crazy thoughts. As a matter of fact, i didnt find it flattering at all. Maybe Im getting better a little at a time? Shes not my damn problem anymore.

[willtimeheal]

I have to make a conscious effort to push her out of my mind when she shows up there. When I find myself ruminating or thinking about her I push her out. If that doesn't work I think about her worst moments towards me. She still shows up quite a bit. I am hopeful as time goes on she will just be a distant memory.

As for FB... .I agree nothing is as it appears.

[Left broken and confused]

My ex seems not to be posting anything on fb but his new gf does. I am not friends with either of them on fb but can see what they post. She seems to share everything in her life on fb and is completely opposite then me. She seems to need alot of attention and loves taking photos of herself. She also wears a ton of makeup which I don't. He always likes being the center of attention so I'm not sure why he would be attracted to someone like that. He wanted a baby very bad and she is a grandmother no way she is having more. I haven't shared that at the time we stopped talking I was pregnant but didn't find out till a month later then lost the baby in August which I finally told him about a few weeks ago which is why we have had any contact at all

[Survived?]

Be good to yourself.   No one asks for BPD and if any of us knew what was coming - we'd have run for the hills.   

Ruminations are the way our brains process -- abuse.   We try and sort out in our minds gas lighting, triangulation projection etc.  Process what cannot be understood because these people are not rational, logical or normal.  They are severely mentally ill and it wont ever make sense to a logical mind.   

Try mindfulness!   Try Meditation and there is very good article on this site in dealing with rumination and emotional processing.  How our brains process bad memories.  You have 90 seconds when the thought hits to push it away. Deprogram yourself from abuse - that you will never understand.  Stay busy! 

And Aussie -- where did you go on your vacation cause I'm going dude!

"Freedom is what

you do

with what's been

done to you."   

-Jean-Paul Sartre

[going places]

I have a real problem with this.  I'd say that 80% of my day is spent thinking either about her directly or else something related to her.  I even have an issue with when I'm talking to people about something completely unrelated I have to stop myself from relating it back to her.

II wish I had some means of turning it off or at least limiting it because it's unhealthy and it changes my emotional state quite dramatically sometimes when I remember a conversation we had or something along those lines.

I try distracting myself but it doesn't last.

How I changed the obsessive, intrusive, consuming, and spiraling thoughts?

1. I prayed, a lot.

2. When it would start, I would 'replace' it with Scripture, Future Plans, Prayer.

3. I focused 100% on whatever task was at hand... .if that was cooking, cleaning, being at work, etc.

Over time (not a lot of time, but some time) I have been blessed to be able to stop destructive thought pattern the moment it starts.

Once I stopped 'the illusions' (what I 'wanted' it to be) and replaced it with reality ( all my happy memories were lies, and what I thought was real was not ) ONCE I really got a handle on this: it was so much easier to stop the obsessive thought pattern.

I also set goals for myself. Moving, finding a new place, new job, opening my own restaurant, etc... .and there is A LOT of thinking that needs to be done on these topics... .so that is where my focus lies.

It took about 4 months of constant, 100% effort (by me) to stop the negative thought patten.