DON'T recycle

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

DON'T!

It's the worst thing you can do

I fell for it,  I walked into it again and it's set me back so far.

Just one night, and you know what I can't even blame her for it because I knew it was going to happen but I managed to con myself and I walked right into it.

It brought it all back so fresh like going back in time to when it was good and then once again a violent awakening back to reality.

It all goes through your head all over again and you start thinking maybe this time I'll do better,  maybe with all the knowledge I have I can make it work but you can't,  you can't change them and they will let you belive you can for as long as it suits them and then they just put you back on the substitute bench and tell you to wait your next turn.

It's sick,  just don't go there,  even the friends thing it's not possible because if they decide they want to have some fun they will snare you again and it's so damaging.

Get out and stay away at all costs,  never go back.

[Infern0]

DON'T!

It's the worst thing you can do

I fell for it,  I walked into it again and it's set me back so far.

Just one night, and you know what I can't even blame her for it because I knew it was going to happen but I managed to con myself and I walked right into it.

It brought it all back so fresh like going back in time to when it was good and then once again a violent awakening back to reality.

It all goes through your head all over again and you start thinking maybe this time I'll do better,  maybe with all the knowledge I have I can make it work but you can't,  you can't change them and they will let you belive you can for as long as it suits them and then they just put you back on the substitute bench and tell you to wait your next turn.

It's sick,  just don't go there,  even the friends thing it's not possible because if they decide they want to have some fun they will snare you again and it's so damaging.

Get out and stay away at all costs,  never go back.

[Mutt]

Sometimes we need to go through the experience ourselves to learn the lesson. Like a parent telling their child "don't do this". They go ahead and do it and come back and say "yeah, you're right".

I'm sorry it set you back Infern0, perhaps it was a lesson you had to learn. I hope you bounce back fast.

[Recooperating]

I can relate Inferno! I did/thought the exact same thing. After 1 month NC we recycled. I thought after reading and studying his disorder and knowing mine Codep. I could do things differently. And I did do it differently. I used SET, set boundaries, kept taking care of me... .He was all over the place and tried everything to make me do the things I used to... .(I.e. Make my life only about him.) It didnt work at all, he kept trying to push my buttons, and in the end when he saw I wasnt falling for his tricks anymore he broke up with me.

I was ok with that. Ofcourse he then wanted to get back together, but I daid no and went NC again. I hope for him he finds someone who can handle him, but it isnt me. I really dont want to live my life like that. Being the emotional caretaker... .

Now I have to suffer the extincion burst again, the smear campaigns, the harrasing of my friends and family... .

But the good part of it is: it erased all the what ifs for me. I needed this to know once and for all, this life is not for me! I did everything I could, its not going to work. There is something better out there for me and probably for him too. (Although he's now claiming to ___ 5 different 20 something year olds... .Very constructive for a 40 year old. Its probably a lie... .Whatever... .I wish him luck with his endavours)

I agree, recycles lead to the same BS, but I needed it for closure.

[Aussie0zborn]

I totally agree with you. I set myself up for a dangerous (for me) devaluation and what she was planning with her thug boyfriend that would see her "totally liberated soon"... .I shudder to think. Financially she ruined me.

All because I left her two years earlier so she had to engage in payback. And she even told me as much.

No matter how much we think that love, caring and compassion will settle them, it won't. We're not qualified to help people with this issue. Yep, just don't recycle.

[peiper]

I let my pwBPD recycled me five times. This time God stepped in and put a special lady in my life. There is no way I would think of jeopardizing my relationship with her to go back into the twilight zone.

[myself]

it erased all the what ifs for me. I needed this to know once and for all, this life is not for me! I did everything I could, its not going to work... .I agree, recycles lead to the same BS, but I needed it for closure.

Same for me. I went back the last time to give it one final chance, giving it my all (she said she was too  . Making sure of what was possible and what I'd be giving up if it came to deciding to walk away for good. I don't have any doubts now if it would work with her or not. It doesn't. That's about as close to closure with this as there is. There have been times while struggling to 'kick this addiction' when I've wished I hadn't recycled with her, but I needed to to get it through my thick head that I could love her but not be with her. That her resistance wore our chance away. That it's better to get out of the game. It was a crash course en route to detachment.

[ziniztar]

Has anyone in this thread dealt with pwBPD that had received therapy?

It's my biggest point of concern, he did receive therapy. He's still going there and I of course don't know what's happening now (is he prolonging because of recent events, or is he quitting after all?). A lot of things are changing for him - getting his own business. He even said "if we could only hit the 'pause' button for 1 year and I could process a lot of stuff and get my sh** in order, and then un-pause... "

I left him allmost 2 weeks ago because I couldn't deal with the r/s anymore. I've heard similar stories of people hitting rock bottom, or stuff that needed to happen in order to get past a certain point in recovery. It's why I'M keeping the door open to recycle in the long run. But it's difficult, too, as you can't move on.

[Deeno02]

No fu*king way... .

[Recooperating]

Has anyone in this thread dealt with pwBPD that had received therapy?

It's my biggest point of concern, he did receive therapy. He's still going there and I of course don't know what's happening now (is he prolonging because of recent events, or is he quitting after all?). A lot of things are changing for him - getting his own business. He even said "if we could only hit the 'pause' button for 1 year and I could process a lot of stuff and get my sh** in order, and then un-pause... "

I left him allmost 2 weeks ago because I couldn't deal with the r/s anymore. I've heard similar stories of people hitting rock bottom, or stuff that needed to happen in order to get past a certain point in recovery. It's why I'M keeping the door open to recycle in the long run. But it's difficult, too, as you can't move on.

Hey ziniztar,

I can't tell you the outcome of this, since my ex and yours are totally different people. Who knows if he will get his ducks in a row and no one can tell you what to do. If you wanna wait a year for him, then that's your path, but do realize the consequences if it doesnt work out... .you will have waisted a year for the same BS. But who knows he could make progress.

I dont mean to influence your decision, but it didnt work out for me. After yet another break up and him cheating I told him to go to therapy, otherwise I would not go back. I went to therapy and he did too. It didn't work out well. I went with his to one session and he got diagnosed BPD, after that diagnosis it went down hill. He lied and manipulated his T. Came back with lame stories about the T. coming on to him, telling him privat information (like her husband wanted her to walk around naked with high heels on in the house and going to nudist vacation resorts  ) He dysregulated more and more and he got worse. Then he told me his T. said he was cured, there was nothing wrong with him, but I was the one with BPD or at least I was insane and I was the problem. I contacted his T. later on and she said it was absolute nonsense. He only went to T for me, just to keep me, not to actually get help.

I'm sure there are a lot of success stories out there too ziniztar. Do you read the staying board, maybe you'll find some good tips and support there?

Good luck with your desicion, one tip: Always, Always, Always follow your gut instinct! 

[Mr.Downtrodden]

DON'T!

It's the worst thing you can do

I fell for it,  I walked into it again and it's set me back so far.

Just one night, and you know what I can't even blame her for it because I knew it was going to happen but I managed to con myself and I walked right into it.

It brought it all back so fresh like going back in time to when it was good and then once again a violent awakening back to reality.

Get out and stay away at all costs,  never go back.

I concur.

I wasn't looking for a recycle, although I often thought about it.  I wanted the chance to see her again after 16 months since she decided to change her mind about me.

We met up for a day and overnight stay together.  It was absolutely great, just what i needed for staving off loneliness and longing for the day / evening.  But before we returned to our hotel room, my BPDexGF fun, warm, and affectionate mood changed right before my eyes as quickly as you could snap your fingers, or flip a lightswitch.  And I didn't do anything to trigger it - it was all her.  Like I had disappeared.  A disaster that turned out very bad and could have been worse - mainly, neither one of us were hurt, although she was thrown to the ground and hit her head on the pavement. i thought she was injured , the sound of the impact replays in my imind like the worst dream imaginable. What I saw scared the living hell out of me, mainly because she has a very young child back at home - a new single parent / mom. But that didn't even enter her mindset - she was acting out purely on impulse and without any judgement. 

After that, the rest of the late night and next day til we parted were very uncomfortable.  My illusion of her was shattered for good.  I still love her and care for her.  But I am now almost 90 days NC.  Yet, I feel horrendous emotionally.

[camuse]

When I think back to my first couple of recycles, I just wish I had stood by my decision to leave her. The first time, I was so sick of her mood swings and it was early days, I just couldn't be bothered. But the next day she blew my phone up, apologised profusely, and begged for another chance. Now I realise I was toast from that point. After several more recycles, I eventually realised it was hopeless and finished it again, but so much had happened, it was easy for her to talk me round, only to leave herself a few days later. They recycle simply so THEY can leave YOU. How much misery and hurt I could have saved myself by not falling for the very first one. A lesson in life learned - have faith in your decisions. A stronger person would never have been talked round that first time, and never known the hell that was to follow.

Remember what a recycle means, and never fall for it.

[Infern0]

I do think that part of us goes into it because truth is we need to get our asses kicked enough to realize that it's just not going to happen with them.

Even during NC and all that if you still have some sort of hope left then you aren't going to properly put it to bed and move on.

For me I don't actually regret it that much because what it showed me was that she's not changed and she's not going to.

The things I want are impossible with her,  she just doesn't operate on the same level as I do,  I'm finished with it (i hope it sticks) I just don't think she's got it in her to do what she needs to in order to have the life she says she wants. And I can't give it to her.

[Deeno02]

I do think that part of us goes into it because truth is we need to get our asses kicked enough to realize that it's just not going to happen with them.

Even during NC and all that if you still have some sort of hope left then you aren't going to properly put it to bed and move on.

For me I don't actually regret it that much because what it showed me was that she's not changed and she's not going to.

The things I want are impossible with her,  she just doesn't operate on the same level as I do,  I'm finished with it (i hope it sticks) I just don't think she's got it in her to do what she needs to in order to have the life she says she wants. And I can't give it to her.

why the fu*k do they get rid of us? That is the hardest thing for me. The hardest. I just dont get it at all.

[Infern0]

I do think that part of us goes into it because truth is we need to get our asses kicked enough to realize that it's just not going to happen with them.

Even during NC and all that if you still have some sort of hope left then you aren't going to properly put it to bed and move on.

For me I don't actually regret it that much because what it showed me was that she's not changed and she's not going to.

The things I want are impossible with her,  she just doesn't operate on the same level as I do,  I'm finished with it (i hope it sticks) I just don't think she's got it in her to do what she needs to in order to have the life she says she wants. And I can't give it to her.

why the fu*k do they get rid of us? That is the hardest thing for me. The hardest. I just dont get it at all.

It makes no rational sense.

Their emotional baseline is one of pain and misery,  that's the key to it I think,  they just don't think like we do and most of them are not willing to put in the work to get better.  It's a sad state of affairs especially when us good people who actually understand and want to help would be best suited to be supportive and get them through it but they just don't want it. They might say they do,  they might actually mean it but as soon as they actually think it over they just flick a switch back into dillusion.

I'm so tired and worn out from trying to hold onto her while she's being sucked into the vortex of misery and pain. I followed her in once and I'm not going back there again.

[Deeno02]

I do think that part of us goes into it because truth is we need to get our asses kicked enough to realize that it's just not going to happen with them.

Even during NC and all that if you still have some sort of hope left then you aren't going to properly put it to bed and move on.

For me I don't actually regret it that much because what it showed me was that she's not changed and she's not going to.

The things I want are impossible with her,  she just doesn't operate on the same level as I do,  I'm finished with it (i hope it sticks) I just don't think she's got it in her to do what she needs to in order to have the life she says she wants. And I can't give it to her.

why the fu*k do they get rid of us? That is the hardest thing for me. The hardest. I just dont get it at all.

It makes no rational sense.

Their emotional baseline is one of pain and misery,  that's the key to it I think,  they just don't think like we do and most of them are not willing to put in the work to get better.  It's a sad state of affairs especially when us good people who actually understand and want to help would be best suited to be supportive and get them through it but they just don't want it. They might say they do,  they might actually mean it but as soon as they actually think it over they just flick a switch back into dillusion.

I'm so tired and worn out from trying to hold onto her while she's being sucked into the vortex of misery and pain. I followed her in once and I'm not going back there again.

Oh, I dont have any plans on getting back with mine at all. Whats done is done. But the BS reasons for dumping me are just so unfathomable and soo lame, Im reflecting back and im so clueless overall. As in any relationship, partners can always do more to work on the relationship, give and take and always room for improvement, I own what I own, but holy ___, i gave everything i could to her and her 5 kids, while trying to run my house and my 2 kids... .man, kick a dude when hes down!... .

[myself]

they just don't think like we do and most of them are not willing to put in the work to get better.  It's a sad state of affairs especially when us good people who actually understand and want to help would be best suited to be supportive and get them through it but they just don't want it. They might say they do,  they might actually mean it but as soon as they actually think it over they just flick a switch back into dillusion.

By the end, I knew about BPD, validating, boundaries, was continuing to work on myself, was in love with her, etc. I'd proven she could count on me. She had every chance there was, and really deeply wanted to, but she can't cross the (border)line and then continue living it. The part of her that could is overwhelmed by the rest. True intimacy is like an electric fence to her. It keeps her trapped inside, away from it, and everybody else left out.

[Blimblam]

they just don't think like we do and most of them are not willing to put in the work to get better.  It's a sad state of affairs especially when us good people who actually understand and want to help would be best suited to be supportive and get them through it but they just don't want it. They might say they do,  they might actually mean it but as soon as they actually think it over they just flick a switch back into dillusion.

By the end, I knew about BPD, validating, boundaries, was continuing to work on myself, was in love with her, etc. I'd proven she could count on me. She had every chance there was, and really deeply wanted to, but she can't cross the (border)line and then continue living it. The part of her that could is overwhelmed by the rest. True intimacy is like an electric fence to her. It keeps her trapped inside, away from it, and everybody else left out.

This is so true I got down inside that

Absolute core of my ex she felt the true intimacy she was so confused she never felt like that before and it immediately triggered the disorder to hurt me. Like it wasn't really a choice she had And to be honest to get to that point in them. You are literally dealing with a 3 year old In a grown up body in mannerisms and voice a lost 3 year old.

[JB8888]

Granted I wasted 5 years of my 30s with my uBPDex - I have to say I don't regret it at all. Had I not given it that last go, I don't think I would have the conviction now to know my door is shut and truly know the who and what I want from a partner in a r/s. I just don't want to be with someone like that nor live my life on a rollercoaster. And whenever I struggle or hit a moment of FOG, I remember the copious amount of times I thought whilst with her this last time "JB, You don't need to do this - you can do better and deserve more". If anything, the exercise buried all the "what-ifs" in my head. She can mirror very well, but the mirror drops after 5 months. Even, 3 months - then every week, then every four days. She can't help herself.

Having learned about BPD on these boards, it's amazing how I can see her (when we bump into each other) almost like a cartoon. She is text book - and thanks to these boards I can clearly see through her moves and attempts to re engage me. And yes, at first I get a pang - perhaps a second of fear, but I keep looking at her as someone with immense power to hurt and be a toxic person in my life. And I don't want that anymore. I've seen her see her wobble knowing her kryptonite no longer works. I keep her at arms length at all times - and thankfully she's now getting the message. I'm not hers to play with anymore. I won't allow myself to be - and what am I missing? Someone who within a week is shacked up with a guy twice her age who she's already cheating on? Better him than me. I tried and I love her in a very different way now - but she isn't good for me nor can she be a healthy person in my life and I've filtered my friends down to only solid, healthy, loving people.

So I guess my point is, if there is any good in all of this, I'm grateful for it. This experience was baffling and her actions and lack of regard for me beyond unfathomable - but I learned a tonne about myself in the process. Also how to make better decisions when looking for a partner. When I meet someone and they hit lovebomb'y vibes, I show them the door. I'm now equipped to know my own boundaries and I doubt I would have looked in the mirror at my own r/s patterns and habits had I not gone through this. I feel clearer now - emotionally more mature and walking in the direction of what I want and deserve.

My life is calm and filled with loving friendships and wow there are some really lovely, nons out there. Well I've met a couple, but still enjoying time out on my own and with my mates.

This was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, but it can't destroy me or disable my ability to achieve the relationship I want and deserve. It was a lesson and as hard as it is for us, they live in a tumble dryer of pain that never turns off. I do think there can be silver linings to bad experiences. We learn, and that's what life is about.

[BrokenFamily]

It is truly amazing how one day you can have so much self determination and believe wholeheartedly you'll never go back because it will damage you, then a day later your wanting to be hurt all over again. Personally I'm at the point where I'm content being friends and we are able to communicate for the sake of our daughter but that is only because she hasn't given me a single sign or suggested we will ever get back together. I believe at this point after her smear campaign, acting out on FB and claiming to love her rebound it would be impossible for her to ever reconcile even if she wanted to. I just keep telling myself I need to stay strong for my daughter & emotional pain is a self inflicted injury that can only exist with my participation.   

[ziniztar]

Such a great thread with a lot of good responses. I feel like quoting each post here.