very confused, still brainwashed

[mrniceguy]

when i was a boy, i remember my mom used to pull my hair, grab me by the ear and drag me across a room. she'd pin me against a wall in our hallway and smack me, just keep smacking me ... .i remember not having enough hands to block everything. it's a very foggy memory, but it's real. she did that to me, no one else did that stuff to me. not that kinda stuff, anyways.

now i'm 29, almost 30. i'm scared. i'm confused. very confused. everything i read about BPD ... .the more i cover the terminology and derivative behavior ... it all fits with her. but i don't wanna admit it. i have an attachment disorder, where she still is the most important influence in my life, and i don't know how to detach. i am trying. god how i'm trying. my dad has started to come around, god has helped me, i'm not abusing substance addiction anymore ... .it's so hard. i feel so deeply enmeshed still, like i don't wanna admit she has BPD ... .

where i'm at is confusion. i realized i'm still brainwashed about a week ago. emotionally, at least. heartwashed might be a better word. she's now spreading lies about me to the rest of the family because i told her off adn called her an emotional spider a couple months ago. she threatened me with a lawsuit recently if i don't shut up about talking about my issues with my own siblings. b___. ___ing b___. it's hard to even say that, because a part of me deep down feels sorry for her. is afraid of breaking her.

i know you might tell me not to worry, but i still do. i guess i have to do the thing through the worry. i'm so afraid of detaching. i mean, what do i hold onto? me. yes. God. it's like leaping into thin air.

very confused. sometimes i don't even wanna believe it's all true. i read stories growing up about horrible things happening to people ... .it's never really hit me yet that i'm right in the middle of it all.

i remember when i first started talking about my pain ... .all my life i've had narcissistic traits. three years ago you could call me cluster B. I have traits of them still, but i'm not them. Checked. Anyway, when i first started talking about my pain, i remember feeling like i'd been emotionally and psychologically raped. that i was still on the ground and hadn't gotten up after having been raped. my captors walking around over me like it hadn't happened, and me crying on the ground holding myself in fear and pain.

i've made a little progress still. but it's so ___ing slow. anyway, that's some of my story.

[Ziggiddy]

hi mrniceguy

I am so so sorry that you have been through such a hard time. No one should be dragged around or smacked or verbally abused.

I am not sure what the story is with your mother or your family is but I can see easily that you are confused and distressed and tryign to struggle through it.

Are you able to slowly look at things one at a time?

Clearly there are many things pressing in on you but you may find it easier to just sit and think over things a little at a time.

I too am religious and I have found it very calming to try and just focus on thoughts and prayer and asking for a calm heart to deal with my issues.

You are only human and can cope better step by step.

Which issue is most pressing to you mrniceguy? if your wellbeing and state of mind are the greatest concern, do you have counselling available to you in your local area?

I'm very glad to hear you have got a hold of your substance abuse problem - very very commendable as it is easy to turn there in panic.

Writing your story here is also a good move as support groups like ours are of untold help in processing.

I very much understand your fear of detaching as I am in the process myself.

I will reassure you that it is a lot less frightening to do than to think about! it's a sure road to discover the you that is submerged in the codepency. And that 'you' will turn out to be more than you could imagine if you are willing to allow it to surface!

i very much look forward to hearing more of your story

Ziggiddy

[clljhns]

Hi mrniceguy,

Welcome! So glad you are here! I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you experienced. Unfortunately, many here can relate and understand your pain.

Congratulations on winning the battle over your addiction! I think this is a statement to what a strong person you are!

One of the most confusing things for me, before I was able to understand my mom's problem, was making sense of everything. People with BPD use threats and abuse to gain compliance. To separate out what is real and just a fantasy in their minds is a real challenge, especially if we have these statements floating around in our heads.

Are you getting professional help to navigate through this difficult time? When I first went into therapy, I felt so overwhelmed because so much was going through my head that I couldn't make sense of it. My therapist told me not to worry, we would take it a piece at a time. My therapist threw me a life-line, and over time, I was able to separate out what was real and fantasy according to my mother's statements.

Hang in there! You will find a great deal of support here! Keep posting.

Peace and blessings.