Not Sure What To Do

[big ang]

Growing up I knew my family was not "normal". My mom was a verbally abusive alcoholic and my dad was very passive. Both of my parents also smoked pot. My siblings and I were neglected on many levels. I was quite embarrassed of my upbringing and moved away from home right after I graduated from high school.

I am now 42, divorced and have a nine year old daughter. My mom quit drinking several years ago and used to live three hours away from my daughter and I. She divorced her third husband a year and a half ago and moved in with my daughter and I. The time she has lived with us has been absolutely awful.

She constantly criticizes me, my weight, my job, my appearance. She has told me I am a loser, a dirtbag, a c***. She has told me I am ugly, there is nothing pretty about me and she hopes that I die. She monitors food, has gone through my personal items, caller ID, mail, etc.

She lives in my home rent free, and pays no household bills other than food. I had to rent a house to accomdate us all, which raised my rent and utilities by $500.00 a month. The thought of living with this awful woman is too much to bear and is quite depressing. When my lease is up in May I want to move back to an apartment with my daughter.

The problem is she has nowhere to go. She has no friends. She is a retired federal worker and gets $1200.00 a month.  She refuses to work (she is only 60) and has blown through a $100,000.00 divorce settlement in the time she has lived with me. If she did not live with me she would likely become homeless. I would feel incredibly guilty.

I used to think my mom was mean because she was an alcoholic, I now  have no doubt this woman has BPD. She is extremely toxic and negativity is constantly coming from her. She hates everyone from her own kids and relatives to the handicapped and minorities. Now I understand why her third husband took up cycling and was out of the house so much!

She has been estranged from all three of her kids throughout the years. It is tedious being around her. I do not want my daughter exposed to this garbage and worry it has already taken a toll on her. Her venom is always directed at me.

How do I get my life back?

[jdtm]

How do I get my life back?

Set a time frame for your mother to leave.  Perhaps some social agency or legal counsel or even your local church could help you with this.  And I would aim before Christmas.

Your daughter needs to come first, you second, your job third, your friends fourth, and your mother ... well, you decide.  Yes, you will feel guilty, but the health and welfare of your daughter and yourself is far far more important.  And, yes, it is very sad and upsetting but sometimes we have to accept what "is'.  Sometimes there just is no comfortable answer.  All the best ... .

[Louise7777]

Meanwhile, I´d set boundaries. Next time she insults you, tell her you wont acept it. Say it in a low tone, looking in her eyes, calmly. Dont explain yourself if she asks why. And leave the room. Its YOUR house, she´s living rent-free, she has to realize she´s not the boss there.

I know, easier said than done, but if you try once, you´ll see results right away. Probably she will be surprised and contain herself the next time.

Wish you luck.

[big ang]

Thanks for the input and suggestions. My daughter is always my number one priority and she will not grow up the way I did.  My mom is going to visit her parents next month and will be gone for a month. I am counting the days... .I am going to set a deadline for her to leave, but honestly am worried about how she will react... .At this point I am so numb to her insults that they do not even phase me. Unfortunately boundaries really do not work with her... .I am thinking about sitting down with her when my daughter is out if the house and saying this situation is not working and it would be best for both of us I if we did not live together anymore. I want her to enjoy her retirement but she would probably be happier having her own space and it is not natural for parents and adult children to live together.

[P.F.Change]

No one wants to think about their mother being homeless. It's understandable why you'd be feeling guilty about that.

It's also true that doing everything for your mother might not actually be what's best for her. Letting her live without personal responsibility or without experiencing the natural consequences of her actions could be keeping her from growing or enjoying the successes of managing her own life. Just a thought.

Six months seems more than adequate notice to allow someone to find another place to live.

Wishing you peace,

PF