An Epic Rage Tonight From My uBPD Mother

[jmanvo2015]

I'm not very clear right now, so apologies in advance for that and for the fact that this is gonna be a long post, really long and I'm not doing it for you - I'm doing it for me - because writing is one of the tools that is helping me heal.  So, I hope that some of you will learn something from it that will aid in your own healing, as I do from your posts even when I don't always respond to them... .

It's 7:30pm and I just returned home from fleeing one of my uBPD mother's epic rages.  It began at about 5pm.  I returned home from an event I was working at and made a very small comment.  I said that I was disappointed that the producer of the event hadn't come over to say hello to me, though I'd driven an hour to support the event, despite torrential downpours.

I guess this sparked my uBPDm's resentment.  She responded, pointedly and with an angry tone, "well, you shouldn't have gone."  Then her voice escalated, "the only people you should be supporting are me, him (pointing to my stepfather sitting on the couch beside her) and your uncle."

Sensing her ensuing rage, I simply said, "I'm not really sure what you're talking about right now," and I left and went to the guest room (I am temporarily living with them).

Well, she had some type of verbal interaction with my uNPD stepdad and the next thing I know the rage had begun.  She started yelling at him.  Then she left the room and began walking around the condo and yelling at both of us.  She was saying that we're mother-f***krs.  That we don't do anything for her.  That we are both miserable people and that we hate each other and that she can't take it anymore.  Then she started yelling about how she is "paying all the bills" and "doing all the cooking and cleaning," though I'm paraphrasing because it wasn't that clean.  She was spewing expletives and insults.

I heard her slippers shuffling towards the bedroom door, so I immediately locked it.  This is the FIRST TIME that I have not engaged during one of her rages.  Let me repeat this with a proviso.  This is the first time in my entire life that I didn't fight back or respond -- thank you God for these boards, for what I'm learning about BPD here and also for my Adult Children of Alchoholics support group and my T and the Food Addicts Anonymous support group I've been attending.

Though I was silent and the door was locked, she was screaming at me through the door. So, I also did something else for the first time.  I turned the recorder on my smartphone and I recorded her rage.  She told me if I ever got angry due to PMS she would "... .slit my throat... ." and "fu000ng show me... ."

Then she started back in on my stepfather.  He must've said something to her about the fact that she was drinking.  She rages whether she drinks or not, but alcohol definitely worsens her BPD disease.  She reminded him that "you were drunk the first five years of our fiiiicckking marriage.  I had to bail your sorry ass out of jail and call your lawyer friend.  The only reason you stopped is because you were ashamed... ."

Then, she came back to me.  She told me, "I don't want to hear about your biological father dying" (I had told her earlier today that my biological father, who she hasn't spoken to in 42 years, has stage 4 lung cancer.) "I'M DYING!" She screamed.  Go live with your fuukkiiingg father."  Then she made more references to a fight we had 2 months ago that she attributes to my having PMS and told me that if I ever have PMS again she'll "kill me" and "make me sorry."

I let the recorder go for her entire rage.  It lasted for a full 15 minutes, during which she mostly attacked my stepfather.  I guess that should make me feel better, but it didn't. It just made me feel really sad and sorry for him.  Really sad and sorry.  I mean she just lambasted him and shamed him and told him he was good for absolutely nothing, which isn't really true.  Though he hasn't been much of a father, I've always been the first to admit that he's been a really good husband to her.  There aren't many men who could handle 35 years of this kind of emotional abuse and hang in there.  My mother is the most difficult person I've ever known in my entire life.  

After going back and forth between verbally abusing both of us, I finally heard her go out on the terrace to smoke a cigarette, so I quickly got my bag and my coat, told my stepfather, "I'm fleeing till she calms down and I suggest you do the same... ." and I left.  My mother is smoking and drinking despite the fact that she told me two months ago she has two life-threatening aneurisms in her neck and they're getting worse because she does this.  And because of this, she is constantly reminding me that she could die at any minute and that we should appreciate her.  Sometimes when she rages like this, I kind wish she would die, as awful and horrible as that is and then I end up feeling really, really guilty about feeling that way and wonder, instead, if her behavior will end up killing one of us from the sheer stress associated with enabling her diseased behavior.

I went to a restaurant and got dinner by myself, full of shame and sadness.  There was really nobody I could call because who would really understand this?  The only people that really would are my fellows in ACA, but the meeting doesn't have a phone list, so I don't have any of their #s.  I certainly couldn't tell any of my friends about this because I'm so deeply ashamed of having a mother that does this and throughout my entire life, because they've never seen this side of her, nobody has ever really believed me, or understood how bad it is.  I guess I could play them the recording - but, really, I don't want to open that box with my friends.  I'll save the recording for my T appt. on Thursday.

Tomorrow, I have to get up, go to the gym, do some work and get back to my "life" as though none of this has happened, but I'm so deeply sad and shamed and feel like there's a big black blanket hanging over me right now.  I ended up eating pasta, even though my FAA group forbids this, and I have to lose a lot of weight - most of which I gained after having cancer five years ago. People sometimes ask me, "why do you think you got cancer" because they believe that you can cause yourself to get it, and I think my mother's anger and shame must be part of the reason.

Tomorrow, for certain, my mother will wake up angry.  She won't acknowledge the rage or her responsibility for her own lack of self-control.  She'll blame me and my stepfather for causing her to act this way because we're "selfish" and "ungrateful" and our behaviors cause her rages.  She won't ever be able to look at her own role in her disease because she has both BPD and NPD traits, so she's got an overwhelming sense of entitlement and my stepfather and me made the mistake this week, somehow without even knowing what we actually did, to not pay enough attention to her, to not appreciate her enough and to not make her the center of the universe and for this we paid dearly tonight.  I mean, it was awful the things she said to both of us.  What's the most awful?  There the same things she said to me when I was 10 - probably even younger, but I can't remember much before that age because I've been told I probably blocked it out.

This has been my life for as long as I can remember.  My mother raging, blaming me for the rage and blaming me for her illness and dumping all of this guilt and anger onto me, and then me having nobody who can understand (I'm an only child w/o much family) and being left to somehow cope emotionally with all of it.  

I suppose my mother's rage earlier tonight had to do with a few different, tangible things.  1) I have had some career successes this week that enabled me to be involved in some really fun events and I was happy and enjoying myself for a little while. I was spending time with friends and colleagues and not home worshipping her 2) My mother found my book, "Surviving a Borderline Parent."  I didn't mean for her to find it.  I had it hidden in the bed, but she washed my bedsheets on a day I didn't expect and moved it to the top of the TV. If she leafed through it, I'm sure it has triggered all of her own shame and rage.

I guess the violins can start playing now and I'm sorry to end on a sadder note.  But last night, I met a performer at an event (a different event than the one I referenced earlier from today) and I was so wowed by him.  He was intelligent and funny and he had this great confidence and charisma and sense of himself. His performance was marked by intelligence, humor and wisdom and I juts kinda fell in love - a crush developed over the two days I was working with him.  I was looking at him and thinking about how much I would love to have a man like this in my life, but probably never will because he would probably never be able to see all the good that is inside of me because I'm marked by shame and self-consciousness and awkardness and, though I was really beautiful when I was younger, the weight gain has made me hardly able to recognize myself.  I just felt awkward and shy and stumbled when I spoke to him.  He probably thought I was a total idiot.

And I just thought while I was sitting alone at the restaurant earlier, how sad for me that I had a mother like this and that I can't enjoy trust and intimacy and a full life with "normal" people because of this horrible disease of BPD.  How sad that I don't have any "real" only "virtual" friends that I could've called and had coffee with who maybe could've made me feel better - who could've said, "It's not your fault your mother is like this J. It's not your fault," - just like Robin Williams says in Good Will Hunting, one of my favorite films ( and how ironic that he, the actor, who also advised the suicidal youth to "Seize the Day" in Dead Poets Society committed suicide).  And that friend also could've consoled me that my biological father might die this year, and that I lost so much time with him because my uBPDm cut him out of my life when I was 10 and made it so difficult for him to have a relationship with him.  Thank God, I reached out to him in 2010, or I might never have known him - might never had the kind of closure and healing that a women needs in terms of her relationship with the man who gave her life.

This disease of BPD - it's an awful thing. It's the worst fu999iikng thing ever.  Please pray for me that God sends some people into my "real" life outside of the computer who can teach me how to trust, how to love and how to heal from this emotional abuse that I've endured for as long as I can recall.  I know that, recently, I've taken some really important steps towards healing and that, by not fighting with my mother tonight - by not letting her bait me - I demonstrated some real growth and emotional maturity.  But, still, I feel like there's a long road ahead of me and, at 45, sometimes it already feels like so much of my life is over.

But, as a friend likes to end her emails with, "onwards and upwards... ."  Tomorrow, I will try to regain some positivity and next week I plan to ask my Dr. about prescribing Wellbutrin, which I spoke to my T about last week and he supported.  

[Panda39]

Hi jmanvo2015

I'm sorry you've had to deal with your mom's rage.  No one should have to take that kind of verbal abuse. Sending a Hug your way 

This is the FIRST TIME that I have not engaged during one of her rages.

You should be very proud of not engaging this is key to keeping the drama at bay. I think you handled everything beautifully.  You protected yourself by keeping your distance (literally a the physical boundary of your bedroom door) and you kept things from escalating even further by not engaging and then leaving.

You should be very proud of yourself for not falling into old patterns or having a knee jerk reaction. You were able to disengage enough to observe what was going on to be rational and not be completely sucked into the drama.  Nice job.

You can't change her but you can change you.

How did reacting differently in this situation help you? Did anything change for you by making these changes? Would you do anything else or change anything you did?  How did you feel about creating a boundary?  About not responding?  Was this interaction different from others in the past?

I wish you had someone you could have talked to when you made your getaway.  Maybe at your next ACA meeting you could discuss what happened and try to get the number of a couple people you connect with that would be willing to listen if something like this happens again.

Wishing you well and don't beat yourself up for the Pasta!  It's been a rough evening. 

[jmanvo2015]

How did reacting differently in this situation help you? Did anything change for you by making these changes? Would you do anything else or change anything you did?  How did you feel about creating a boundary?  About not responding?  Was this interaction different from others in the past?

Panda thank you so much for the kind response to my post.  To answer your question, it felt good to create a boundary for the first time in my life.  I didn't even know what a boundary was back in August, so this is a major lifeshift for me. What changed for me is that I demonstrated the self-control that my mother has always lacked and, most importantly, demonstrated to myself that I have self-control.  I'm finally learning that my mother was wrong: I'm not the cause of her rages.  I have the power to be a different person than the one she chooses to be.  And, yes, she chooses her behavior because she's not dumb.  It's just that her narcissism keeps her from admitting defeat and asking for help.  But, I'm learning that I can do just that and I'm also learning that this is why I'm not a borderline or a narcissist, though I have picked up certain behaviors.  I now, finally, have the tools and the knowledge to make the changes that, sadly, my mother probably never will.

She had retired to her bedroom when I came home, but woke up about an hour again and started in all over again on my stepfather.  She hasn't come after me... .yet.  But I almost feel like I'm tempting fate by saying that.  Once again, I'm in the guest room with the door locked.  Yes, the physical boundary helps, but my mother's rage is such that she could knock the door down if she's so inclined.  I can only hope tonight she won't.

[claudiaduffy]

jmanvo,

You've had a really hellish past several months and nobody can be expected to hold it together on their own. I'm sorry you felt that because you received only one response, that people have no compassion for you. Please know that that is not necessarily the case. Please remember that we're all survivors here, all trying to heal.

I've actually been thinking about your post for the past day and deliberating how to respond. I don't want to give advice that is too... .drastic, but man oh man, if I had a recording of my pwBPD threatening to slit my throat, I would thank heavens I have it recorded, and I would take it to the police. In my opinion, you badly need to get out of that home, friend. I've been hesitant to say it, because you say that you can't leave for a number of reasons. At what point do you have reason enough to overcome those obstacles?

My husband's mother broke her own ribs while trying to break down his bedroom door in the middle of the night, a couple of months before he married me. He regrets that he didn't just start sleeping in his car somewhere where she couldn't find him at that point. He was afraid for his own safety, but hadn't drummed up the courage to protect himself yet at that point. I really hope you can find it in you to protect yourself.

Praying for you tonight, and I do hope you stick around. Please be forgiving of our limitations and please also gentle with yourself.

[jmanvo2015]

Thank you ClaudiaDuffy. Clearly, I am in a really tough spot and could use some support, even if people need to tell me something I don't want to hear.  That's fine.  A response like that is really better than nothing at all.  You are the second person today who told me, in response to recounting my mother's rage, that I maybe I should leave.  So, I will give that some serious thought.  I'm not in a financial position today to do it, but recently got a new job, so I will start stashing some money for a getaway if that becomes necessary and I'll be lying to my mother about how much money I have coming in, which is necessary for me to do in order to take care of myself.  I'm not sure here if I'm being oversensitive about the whole post thing, but I do try to respond and support others and if you check my last 5 posts or so, you'll see I haven't gotten much activity on mine in return. Sometimes, when dealing with BPD parents, we, as you know, we end up becoming people that give too much of ourselves because of that sensitivity - often being way too sensitive and responsive to other people's pain, crises and emotions and ignoring our own and right now, in terms of this board, that's kind of how I'm feeling.  It may not be accurate, it's just how I feel today.  I've taken time to post on a lot of people's posts when they've indicated their in pain in turmoil.  It's disappointing that so many haven't been able to take the time to do the same for me.   Frankly, I feel this way right now in my life in general.  I have a mother with BPD that is suffering from two life threatening aneurisms and a biological father with stage 4 lung cancer and a stepfather who has also had lung cancer. It's been overwhelming to me that so many people I've given freely to in all areas of my life can't take a moment to write a quick note, or respond to a post, or even send a card or call to see how I'm coping.  

It makes me think and feel that I need to stop being a giving person because I'm way too sensitive to deal with the results when nobody reciprocates.  Maybe if I give less in the future, I won't feel so emotionally depleted and overwhelmed.

Good convo to have with my T this week.

[Jema]

This is the FIRST TIME that I have not engaged during one of her rages.  Let me repeat this with a proviso. This is the first time in my entire life that I didn't fight back or respond... .

Congratulations on your self-restraint! This is a very big step for you. I am sure the next time (not if, but when), you will continue to build on this.

I think that being able to examine the situation (in real time, as it is happening) from the point of view of a observing bystander is critical for all of us.

I was NC with my uBPDm before I was able to really understand the skills which are presented here, so I have not been tested as you have. Also, my situation is not nearly as dire as yours. Even so, I'll try to remember your courage if I ever find myself once again in the bore sight of M's rage.

Hope you continue find a peaceful path through.

Cheers,

Jema

[Turkish]

That must have been extremely frightening to have your life threatened. You found the strength to not only not rise to her bait (this word seems like an understatement   ) but also had the calmness to record her threats. Unfortunately, you are stuck in that house for now, and your SF is enough of a milquetoast that he doesn't seem of help.

I know you feel embarrassed to reach out to friends, but have you thought about calling a local domestic abuse hotline? This is domestic abuse, plain and simple. You can remain anonymous, and talking to a live person might help. If you tell them that your mother was making criminal threats (that is what they sound like), they may be able to give you some guidance on how you can proceed or provide you with options. Let us know how the therapy appointment goes, too, as counselors should be able to direct you to local resources as well.  I'm worried that you don't sound safe, jmamvo. A rage is horrible enough, and a drunken rage is unpredictable.

Turkish