was your BPDex a secretive person?

[vortex of confusion]

When I think about her a part of me feels like I know her inside and out but another part feels like I know virtually nothing about her.

I feel like I could have written that. It is odd because we have been married for 16.5 years and I feel like we are two strangers living together. I have tried to connect with him on so many different levels and in so many different ways but I can't ever seem to really figure him out. There have been different times in our relationship when I felt like we were best friends and soul mates but in between times I have felt like, "Who the hell is this person?"

I know that he was very secretive early on because he was hiding his porn addiction. I found out he had a secret email for all of his porn subscriptions. He did stop that but there have been other times when he has conveniently forgotten to tell me things. Or, he will talk about his childhood all of the time. It is all about what he did as a kid. I rarely hear him reminisce about what he likes as an adult. He said he loved to camp in Boy Scouts but I couldn't get him to go camping with me and the kids. He said that he liked to party but has never really partied with me. The person that he says he was as a young adult is not the same person that I know. It is very confusing.

[going places]

He led a double life.

For 20 years, I had no idea.

Zero. None.

When I busted him having an affair, his mask fell off.

6 months later I found out who he really was all along... .

Horrifying.

[Raybo48]

Ive never met any relative or friends, neither was she interested in meeting mine. although we have a mutual friend, we never saw that friend together, always separately. And coworkers could NEVER find out about us.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not wanted.  

Totally. 16 months together,  met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, never changed her FB  relationship status, 3 pictures of us together, none on FB. Iwas the place holder until someone more presentable came along.

Mine never changed her FB relationship status either, had one picture on there of us that disappeared pretty fast because she posts constantly.  I don't think social media is huge tell all, but in these cases it's telling and should have been a    for me.  It's easy to figure out why too, they can keep getting supply from everyone (guy friends mainly) and they have no clue she's with anyone.  Any guy worth his salt would have stopped flirting with her if they knew she was in a relationship, but that cuts off very necessary BPD supply.  If I learned one thing with these people no one man can ever give them enough while we are the place holder.  The next guy will have it no different.

great post, raybo. i experienced the exact same with my ex on his social media. he definitely used it as part of his "supply." interestingly, he also portrays him very differently online, maybe the person he wants to be? as opposed to who he actually is. i never figured that one out.

I've read where it's called their 'false self' pertaining to social media and I think that term fits really well. 

My BPDxgf has herself painted as Mother Theresa on her FB and has every guy thinking she's absolutely the greatest girl on so many different levels.  It's to the point to where I would never have stood a chance if I tried to tell any of them who she really is, which is why I suspect she dumped me as a facebook friend well before the relationship officially ended. 

They are not stupid people and I don't believe for one second that they can't sense when they are being figured out by their closest supply, and I think that's ultimately part of the reason why they paint them black.

[hergestridge]

I know that he was very secretive early on because he was hiding his porn addiction. I found out he had a secret email for all of his porn subscriptions. He did stop that but there have been other times when he has conveniently forgotten to tell me things. Or, he will talk about his childhood all of the time. It is all about what he did as a kid. I rarely hear him reminisce about what he likes as an adult. He said he loved to camp in Boy Scouts but I couldn't get him to go camping with me and the kids. He said that he liked to party but has never really partied with me. The person that he says he was as a young adult is not the same person that I know. It is very confusing.

I recognize this very much. The thing is they don't have interests or even qualities that last over time. They can just lose them. They don't build or accumulate a personality like normal people do. They take on a certain way or doing something for a while, then they drop it and never take it up again.

I think it is necesary to understand how fragmented their lives and their minds are. A lot of the time when I thought my exwife was keeping secrets I later found out that there just was nothing to tell.

[Flameheart]

Yeah, she was very secretive. She'd be very open at times, but I'd always get the feeling that she was keeping things from me. She seemed more fit to ask about my day, but rarely cared to discuss hers.

[pieceofme]

Ive never met any relative or friends, neither was she interested in meeting mine. although we have a mutual friend, we never saw that friend together, always separately. And coworkers could NEVER find out about us.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed and not wanted.  

Totally. 16 months together,  met her friends 4 times. Never did couples things, never changed her FB  relationship status, 3 pictures of us together, none on FB. Iwas the place holder until someone more presentable came along.

Mine never changed her FB relationship status either, had one picture on there of us that disappeared pretty fast because she posts constantly.  I don't think social media is huge tell all, but in these cases it's telling and should have been a    for me.  It's easy to figure out why too, they can keep getting supply from everyone (guy friends mainly) and they have no clue she's with anyone.  Any guy worth his salt would have stopped flirting with her if they knew she was in a relationship, but that cuts off very necessary BPD supply.  If I learned one thing with these people no one man can ever give them enough while we are the place holder.  The next guy will have it no different.

great post, raybo. i experienced the exact same with my ex on his social media. he definitely used it as part of his "supply." interestingly, he also portrays him very differently online, maybe the person he wants to be? as opposed to who he actually is. i never figured that one out.

I've read where it's called their 'false self' pertaining to social media and I think that term fits really well. 

My BPDxgf has herself painted as Mother Theresa on her FB and has every guy thinking she's absolutely the greatest girl on so many different levels.  It's to the point to where I would never have stood a chance if I tried to tell any of them who she really is, which is why I suspect she dumped me as a facebook friend well before the relationship officially ended. 

They are not stupid people and I don't believe for one second that they can't sense when they are being figured out by their closest supply, and I think that's ultimately part of the reason why they paint them black.

the 'false self' makes sense. my ex portrays himself to be this motivational "fitspo" (fitness inspiration), even advertising his personal training services online. he doesn't give two ___s about his clients - all he wants is their money. interestingly, it is mostly strangers who "like" his posts, not too many of his real-life friends (although, to be fair, he doesn't have many).

i 100% agree that they can sense when they've been figured out. once i was on to my ex and found the strength to confront him / call him out on his behavior / refused to engage in his "games," he no longer had use for me. i was painted the blackest black and still am.

[Inside]

The thing is they don't have interests or even qualities that last over time. They can just lose them. They don't build or accumulate a personality like normal people do. They take on a certain way or doing something for a while, then they drop it and never take it up again.

Mine needed both the attention and identity of a group, as she’d then became unrecognizable to me.  She’d bounce between groups and events, taking on whatever persona she derived the most attention or admiration from.  I was quickly excluded from such outings by a strategic blow up or shove-off. ... .got so I knew when to expect them.  Free from me, she appeared single again! 

I think it is necesary to understand how fragmented their lives and their minds are. A lot of the time when I thought my exwife was keeping secrets I later found out that there just was nothing to tell.

... .that, too

[Blimblam]

The thing is they don't have interests or even qualities that last over time. They can just lose them. They don't build or accumulate a personality like normal people do. They take on a certain way or doing something for a while, then they drop it and never take it up again.

Mine needed both the attention and identity of a group, as she’d then became unrecognizable to me.  She’d bounce between groups and events, taking on whatever persona she derived the most attention or admiration from.  I was quickly excluded from such outings by a strategic blow up or shove-off. ... .got so I knew when to expect them.  Free from me, she appeared single again! 

I think it is necesary to understand how fragmented their lives and their minds are. A lot of the time when I thought my exwife was keeping secrets I later found out that there just was nothing to tell.

... .that, too

I remember that crap it's like she became a stranger to me and whoever she thought would fit Into that group. The lying and being secretive then wondering why I was frustrated. Well becase I could feel her becoming more distant but then she flipped it and made me believe it was my fault.

[hergestridge]

I remember the few times I got to pick her up after she had been out with friends. She arranged so that I should meet her outside wherever they were, or if possible somewhere nearby so that I didn't have to meet her friends.

And it was just people she worked with. And they had just been eating dinner.

I never figured this out, because I was more than willing to meet her friends. And when I got to meet them, they were happy to meet me and chat to me too.

In the end I just grew tired of this and told her that she acts like a teenage girl that is embarrassed of her dad. I think this hurt her badly, but she still could not explain her behavior or why it was so important to her.

[Blimblam]

I remember the few times I got to pick her up after she had been out with friends. She arranged so that I should meet her outside wherever they were, or if possible somewhere nearby so that I didn't have to meet her friends.

And it was just people she worked with. And they had just been eating dinner.

I never figured this out, because I was more than willing to meet her friends. And when I got to meet them, they were happy to meet me and chat to me too.

In the end I just grew tired of this and told her that she acts like a teenage girl that is embarrassed of her dad. I think this hurt her badly, but she still could not explain her behavior or why it was so important to her.

Lol!

I think you nailed it on the head "a teenage girl embarresed of her dad."

[Inside]

I remember the few times I got to pick her up after she had been out with friends. She arranged so that I should meet her outside wherever they were, or if possible somewhere nearby so that I didn't have to meet her friends. And it was just people she worked with. And they had just been eating dinner.

I never figured this out, because I was more than willing to meet her friends. And when I got to meet them, they were happy to meet me and chat to me too.

At first mine appeared torn between ‘showing me off’ - and ditching me!  Twice, when I was alone with two women ‘close’ to her, though they didn’t outright ‘say it,’ each strongly appeared as though they were warning me about her.  Maybe ‘that’s why’ she kept me from them - they knew her secrets!

In the end I just grew tired of this and told her that she acts like a teenage girl that is embarrassed of her dad. I think this hurt her badly, but she still could not explain her behavior or why it was so important to her.

My current feeling about that same treatment is their fear of ‘friends’ actually liking us - which makes it far more difficult to eventually paint us black and leave us…  After a recycle mine actually told me her brother was disappointed that we’d broken up, saying that he “liked that one.”  I liked him too, and I’m sure it begins looking pretty weird watching every lover disappear and having been such ‘evil people’

[letmeout]

Secretive is putting it mildly, mine couldn't tell the truth no matter what. I think its a part of their need for total control.

They want to know everything you do, say and think but they don't want you to know anything that they really do, say or think.

[Deeno02]

Secretive is putting it mildly, mine couldn't tell the truth no matter what. I think its a part of their need for total control.

They want to know everything you do, say and think but they don't want you to know anything that they really do, say or think.

everyones different. Mine only asked how my day was i guess cuz she felt she had to. That lasted 2.2 seconds and then it was on to her chaos, which is where i spent the rest of the night.

[Craydar]

Yes, she naturally hid everything which made me feel like she was a pro at deception. She would go out of her way to spoon feed me stories as if she was quite open and willing to share all. 

[Blimblam]

My ex was always secretive but very open and honest too.   At one point she came out with me in total hoesty unfortunately this also triggered the disorder and she became more secretive than ever shortly after.

[Raybo48]

I'll never know how many men she seduced to come to her house with Vodka during the time she lived in WI.  I caught several, but I couldn't police/babysit her the entire time since I lived 80+ miles away.  She hid all that kind of stuff from me and I only stumbled on most of it because I took on the role of Sherlock Holmes... That involved extremely large amounts of anxiety day after day, checking up on her, and accidently getting texts from her while she was completely trashed meant for other men! That's when I could start to investigate who these D-bags were who were coming over with a bottle and very likely getting sex in return! Even when she was sober she kept her escapades from me when it came to other guys.  I know the BPD dynamic is needy, but on a scale of 1-10 of being needy she was a 100, and that's no stretch. There is no way she will ever, ever be able to get her needs met by just ONE guy at any given time in her life... .impossible.  That's where she has become a master at secrecy, lies, deceit, and manipulation.  

When I think about it long enough I was a damn fool for even putting up with it for 5 minutes let alone nearly 3 frick'in years.

[vortex of confusion]

Secretive is putting it mildly, mine couldn't tell the truth no matter what. I think its a part of their need for total control.

They want to know everything you do, say and think but they don't want you to know anything that they really do, say or think.

everyones different. Mine only asked how my day was i guess cuz she felt she had to. That lasted 2.2 seconds and then it was on to her chaos, which is where i spent the rest of the night.

Oh my, I can relate to both of you. Mine wanted to know everything I was doing. I felt like I had no privacy whatsoever. I wasn't trying to be secretive I just didn't want my every move watched while simultaneously feeling ignored. (How does that even work?)

When it comes to asking about my day, it seems like it is an attempt to find ways to talk about himself. No matter what I say it feels like he is going to find a way to make it about himself. And most of the stuff he talks about is stuff from childhood or stuff that has absolutely no relevance. I wonder how a person can talk so much yet say so little and reveal so little.

[pieceofme]

Secretive is putting it mildly, mine couldn't tell the truth no matter what. I think its a part of their need for total control.

They want to know everything you do, say and think but they don't want you to know anything that they really do, say or think.

i agree with all of this 100%. my ex couldn't tell the truth if he HAD to. it got to the point where *i* couldn't even keep his lies straight, so i have no idea how he did. but i think all of the messiness worked to his advantage because it kept my head spinning. by the end of our r/s, i didn't know which way was up.

also, my ex NEVER ONCE asked about my day. he wanted to know where i was and what i was doing, who i was with, etc., but never an open-ended question where i could talk about ME / my feelings / my day.

[Deeno02]

Secretive is putting it mildly, mine couldn't tell the truth no matter what. I think its a part of their need for total control.

They want to know everything you do, say and think but they don't want you to know anything that they really do, say or think.

everyones different. Mine only asked how my day was i guess cuz she felt she had to. That lasted 2.2 seconds and then it was on to her chaos, which is where i spent the rest of the night.

Oh my, I can relate to both of you. Mine wanted to know everything I was doing. I felt like I had no privacy whatsoever. I wasn't trying to be secretive I just didn't want my every move watched while simultaneously feeling ignored. (How does that even work?)

When it comes to asking about my day, it seems like it is an attempt to find ways to talk about himself. No matter what I say it feels like he is going to find a way to make it about himself. And most of the stuff he talks about is stuff from childhood or stuff that has absolutely no relevance. I wonder how a person can talk so much yet say so little and reveal so little.

Exactly VoC... .always victim talk, kid talk, past history talk, her toxic neighbor talk, I didnt do this talk,  thank god I had my own house to go back to... .