cant believe I put up with that sht...

[Sandman1881]

Once you have worked through the aftermath, and it is hard, very hard, you will come out the otherside a more attuned, more adept, more confident, stronger, and generally a superior human being. I believe that psychopaths were sent to shake our world up for our own benefit.

And of course they expect you to thank them for this benefit.

What's funny is I said to my mom early on "this woman will be either the greatest love of my life, or the worst heartache I've ever had." Both statements appear to be true. I loved her dearly, and she hurt me more than any other woman has.

Yes. The worst part was watching it all go by and being so castrated to not do even one damn thing about it. And doing anything wouldn't matter, because whatever we did would have cast us down either way.

This experience has taught me one most valuable lesson, there are those people in the world that are even more sick than I am, and they don't even know it.

2 +'s of leaving... .I have my freedom back and he has my problem. Silver lining? Perhaps.

Best wishes! Together we stay strong.

Perhaps, even, we have been done a favor by being left for a replacement. That's just equals lees time they have to continue to disturb our world and we can get back to the business of real life. And no longer living on "Fantasy Island."

nite family

[Pingo]

BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction.

Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond.

The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down.

Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal.

This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens.  But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously.  At least this is not my feeling of my experience.  There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond.  Sick!  But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach.  I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions.  Do you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up?

[bungenstein]

BPDs and psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists all do the same thing to their victim. They alter their brain chemistry through abuse, they create a need in your mind, they create an addiction.

Thats why we put up with all that ___, we can't let go, not because we love them, because we are addicted to them through abuse, the trauma bond.

The relentless praise and idealisation combined with sudden abuse, insults, and criticism, constantly changing on a dime, creates imbalances of chemicals in the brain which makes us unstable and needy ourselves. They need to do this because they need people to need them, the need to abuse, they need someone who is cut down.

Thats why the break up is SO hard, and SO confusing, its nothing like breaking up with a normal person, you are literally crashing from drug withdrawal.

This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens.  But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously.  At least this is not my feeling of my experience.  There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond.  Sick!  But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach.  I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions.  :)o you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up?

I don't know if they are aware of the science behind the push/pull behaviour, but I believe they have learnt how to ensnare men since its at the core of their very survival, and they will have been learning this from a very young age. A lot of people on here have commented on how their seduction technique seemed quite calculated, I believe they are being completely manipulative from the very start, they can't love remember, they just see us as prey, and are constantly analysing us and working us out, to work out how best to go about this, and how best to create a need in us for them.

They do not actually want you to have healthy love for them. Because a healthy love does not serve them in the way they need to be served, they need a person who is traumatised and addicted to them in order to get what they want.

[myself]

So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___?

What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on?

Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what?

[vortex of confusion]

This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens.  But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously.  At least this is not my feeling of my experience.  There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond.  Sick!  But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach.  I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions.  Do you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up?

I have the same experience as you Pingo. I don't feel like mine was consciously plotting anything. I feel like mine is not conscious enough to plot something like that. Also, there is no way he is capable enough to do that much work. Mine is entirely too selfish. He lives in the moment and does whatever seems to work in the moment. There is no advanced planning on his part.

[vortex of confusion]

So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___?

What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on?

Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what?

To get at the WHY in why did we put up this ___ we need to hold the mirror up to ourselves. I probably hold the mirror up to him a bit too much but in putting the mirror up to him it helps me to look at how I truly felt and why I continued to be okay with it. There were way too many times when something would happen and I would try to say something about it but was dismissed or made to feel like I was the one that had the problem or was imagining things. It is like I am finally able to validate all of the thoughts and feelings that I have had over the years but completely repressed or denied.

[bungenstein]

This absolutely describes the trauma bond and how it happens.  But I don't think they set out with an evil plot to manipulate you consciously.  At least this is not my feeling of my experience.  There are people who actually do this though, just google 'pick up artist forum'... .There are actual websites devoted to teaching men how to manipulate women into a trauma bond.  Sick!  But I don't feel like my ex was one of these men who had crafted this twisted approach.  I think the trauma bond was the result of a very disturbed man trying to have a normal r/s, but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so mixed with a sense of entitlement that the world should revolve around him plus absolutely no ability to cope with his emotions.  Do you think your exes were consciously plotting with this knowledge that if they did this push/pull thing they'd hook you and really eff you up?

I have the same experience as you Pingo. I don't feel like mine was consciously plotting anything. I feel like mine is not conscious enough to plot something like that. Also, there is no way he is capable enough to do that much work. Mine is entirely too selfish. He lives in the moment and does whatever seems to work in the moment. There is no advanced planning on his part.

I don't believe its conscious either, its unconscious, buts its natural to them, its comes from their predatory nature, from the reptilian part of the brain that BPDs and other psychopaths operate from. They are constantly analysing you and trying to work out how to mirror you, they will say whatever they need to say to get their needs met.

[Pingo]

So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___?

What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on?

Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what?

Why did I put up with it?  Because of the trauma bond.  Why didn't I leave when the first red flag showed up?  I was already hooked.  Why was I hooked?  Because I was in a very low place, I had lost my identity and was searching for meaning, purpose and acceptance.  He came along and filled a gaping hole.  What is going to keep me from doing so from now on?  I am not 100% convinced I won't, that is why I am not interested in another r/s.  I would hope that with my experience, all the therapy, the books, this board, that I would have enough self-identity and self-esteem to know what it is I want and not put up with anything less.  But I'm not there yet.  It's a work in progress.  So why do I still look back at my ex when he is gone?  Trying to make sense still of it.  Trying to separate the part of me that cared deeply for him and committed myself to him from the part of me that let him run roughshod over my boundaries and suck the life out of me.  I spend less and less time analysing him as time goes on and more and more time looking inward thank goodness. 

[ATLandon]

So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___?

What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on?

Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what?

... .He came along and filled a gaping hole.

That's what she said. Sometimes you just gotta have a crazy sense of humor to deal with other people's cray cray.

[Pingo]

So let's really ask, WHY did we put up with this ___?

What is going to help keep us from doing so from now on?

Holding a mirror up to our exes when they're gone does what?

... .He came along and filled a gaping hole.

That's what she said. Sometimes you just gotta have a crazy sense of humor to deal with other people's cray cray.

Oh jeez! 

Okay, I would have phrased it a little different, but I do agree you gotta laugh when you can, some of this stuff you just couldn't make up!