What do you tell your friends and family, post-breakup?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After dating my exBPD for 5 weeks, she wanted us to get an apartment together, move to NYC, get a dog. It was a total whirlwind. But it was so adrenalizing after being single and lonely for 2 years, I just went along with it. After all, we got along perfectly, had tons to talk about, incredibly attracted to each other. She seemed a bit helpless and massively disorganized, but they seemed like minor annoyances.

6 months later when the wheels came off, I found myself being really ashamed when friends/family asked about her. I had no idea how to explain why we broke up. Because she did it abruptly one day and with practically zero explanation. "So, when are you guys moving to NYC? I can't wait, you guys seem perfect together!" is what my friends in the city said. And I have felt so embarrassed, imagining them thinking, "how the hell did he screw that up, they seemed like a great match."

It's hard to explain, but I just feel so stupid for having gotten excited, almost cocky, about a relationship I thought would lead to marriage. And then was over in 6 months. Telling people about it has just made things worse. Anyone else felt that?

[divinehammer]

After dating my exBPD for 5 weeks, she wanted us to get an apartment together, move to NYC, get a dog. It was a total whirlwind. But it was so adrenalizing after being single and lonely for 2 years, I just went along with it. After all, we got along perfectly, had tons to talk about, incredibly attracted to each other. She seemed a bit helpless and massively disorganized, but they seemed like minor annoyances.

6 months later when the wheels came off, I found myself being really ashamed when friends/family asked about her. I had no idea how to explain why we broke up. Because she did it abruptly one day and with practically zero explanation. "So, when are you guys moving to NYC? I can't wait, you guys seem perfect together!" is what my friends in the city said. And I have felt so embarrassed, imagining them thinking, "how the hell did he screw that up, they seemed like a great match."

It's hard to explain, but I just feel so stupid for having gotten excited, almost cocky, about a relationship I thought would lead to marriage. And then was over in 6 months. Telling people about it has just made things worse. Anyone else felt that?

[StayOrLeave15]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience.  I've found that my family and friends were very understanding when I explained some of the irrational behavior my BPDexgf carried out and they witnessed.  If your friends and family haven't seen this it may be harder. 

Moving in together after 5 weeks is really fast.  I don't mean to reprimand you; I'm guilty of feeling the same way.  My relationship only lasted 8 or 9 months and we were talking about living together 2 or 3 months in.  Making such a big move in and of itself so early is a   .  Perhaps when telling the people close to you about the breakup you can acknowledge that things moved really quickly and perhaps it wasn't meant to be after all.  A fling rather than the love of your life. And you don't owe any explanation to people who aren't close to you.  You simply tell them it didn't work out. 

Most of my family and friends had never heard of Borderline Personality Disorder when I told them about my exgf.  But those who had were aware of the devastating effects it can have on lives and relationships and really empathized when I told them what I had been through.  Perhaps the same will happen for you.  Best of luck.

[Mutt]

It was a total whirlwind.

Hi divinehammer,



I don't think you screwed up and don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. This is a lesson and move forward. This is also BPD a lack of impulse control. You can say the truth. "It was a whirlwind romance and didn't work out. Fun while it lasted" Say no more.

[Deeno02]

My biggest help was my journal. I started it when I got divorced and kept up with it. I had all the happy, not so happy and down right evil crap from my BPD gf (didn't know what that was at the time). I don't have any family locally, but I do have friends. I let them read it, all the good, bad, indifferent, all the faults of each of us, all the pain. It was easier than me trying to articulate it. Every last one of them, fortunately one is a psychologist( hence why I'm here now) and to the man(and women... ) they told me I dodged a freakin bullet. And I agree.

[SickofMe]

Except for close friends (and a few shell-shocked moments of TMI), I have found it easier to just say:  It didn't work out because we wanted different things.  I don't elaborate and nobody really cares, anyhow.

My r/s was very demonstrative and "public" bc my ex posted photos and songs and memes on my FB all the time and was big into PDA. I'm normally pretty reserved/private about that sort of thing, but I was swept away by it all and found it charming and romantic.  It made it even more embarrassing to be suddenly discarded.

A few months later, I realize nobody else gives a crap about other people's relationships, unless it is to gossip.  Feeling like you have to explain does make things awkward, but that need will pass.

[Trick1004]

I'd echo whats been said about not going over the details of the RS with everyone you know. I went to my brother and a very close friend of mine for a couple weeks after the BU and dumped everything out on them. They've been through similar experiences and have an understanding what it is like. Those two got me through the worst spots.

I've found that everyone else (both family and friends), while supportive, have a "get over it" attitude. I let them know with a basic "It just didn't work out". Most people don't have an understanding of how hard this type of BU can be and hearing about it everytime they see you gets old from their perspective.

I talked to my grandparents a couple weeks ago. Grandpa asked my brother "when is Trick getting back together with the ex"? My Grandma asked me "Have you talked to ex, if you do tell her we miss her".

This is after a year and half LC, some people just don't get it.

Trick

[clydegriffith]

Well unfortunatley for me, most of my friends know that i b/u with the BPDx because she was sleeping around. The few friends i have that don't know what happened, i just tell them oh she was crazy and i had to break up with her. My family doesn't know about the sleeping around but they know how off the rocks she is. The whole her being a ___ thing is so freaking embarassing, especially given that i had a kid with her. My child's mom is a ___. I will never be able to get over that.

[tim_tom]

After dating my exBPD for 5 weeks, she wanted us to get an apartment together, move to NYC, get a dog. It was a total whirlwind. But it was so adrenalizing after being single and lonely for 2 years, I just went along with it. After all, we got along perfectly, had tons to talk about, incredibly attracted to each other. She seemed a bit helpless and massively disorganized, but they seemed like minor annoyances.

6 months later when the wheels came off, I found myself being really ashamed when friends/family asked about her. I had no idea how to explain why we broke up. Because she did it abruptly one day and with practically zero explanation. "So, when are you guys moving to NYC? I can't wait, you guys seem perfect together!" is what my friends in the city said. And I have felt so embarrassed, imagining them thinking, "how the hell did he screw that up, they seemed like a great match."

It's hard to explain, but I just feel so stupid for having gotten excited, almost cocky, about a relationship I thought would lead to marriage. And then was over in 6 months. Telling people about it has just made things worse. Anyone else felt that?

Hello!  Your story could be my own, you'll notice many here have similar experiences.

I can completely relate to what you felt, looking back I just feel silly about the whole thing. Buying into soulmates stuff instantly, moving in together after 2 months (I have kids who ended up getting hurt!)

My friends/family were mostly stunned, as stunned as I was. There just was no good explanation for how it ended so suddenly and definitively.

[divinehammer]

I am really sorry to hear that happened to you, too, where the move-in actually happened + kids involved, as that is much more sticky. I realize in some ways I got out lucky, only 5 months of confusion and a total blindside ongoing schizo breakup, and I could have actually ended up married to her 

But yeah, I realize my friends probably don't care. It's more of them rooting for me always, knowing how much my divorce had hurt, only to turn around and get conned again by someone. The common denominator here is me, and I need to look at that, too.

[Deeno02]

I am really sorry to hear that happened to you, too, where the move-in actually happened + kids involved, as that is much more sticky. I realize in some ways I got out lucky, only 5 months of confusion and a total blindside ongoing schizo breakup, and I could have actually ended up married to her 

But yeah, I realize my friends probably don't care. It's more of them rooting for me always, knowing how much my divorce had hurt, only to turn around and get conned again by someone. The common denominator here is me, and I need to look at that, too.

Same here. Starts with me, ends with me. Enough about her, shes toast and someone elses problem. Got to fix me...

[RedDove]

I'm fortunate to be very close to my family and just finally told them the truth. After being divorced for 14 years, they all hoped (just like I did), that I had finally found the one, a partner for the rest of my life. I'm in my late 40's and was with my ex BPDbf for 4 years (on and off).

I do understand being embarrassed, even feeling like a failure. I held the stress and turmoil of the r/s inside me as a secret from friends and family for a very long time. My Dad is elderly and lives with me, so he saw some of my ex BPDbf's strange behavior up close and personal. All I had to say to friends and family was that my ex BPDbf was cheating on me and emotionally abusive. My Dad wanted to go after him with a shot gun (Lol!) after hearing how my ex BPDbf treated me. I then told them that when I confronted my ex BPDbf in the end, he admitted to being borderline and briefly described BPD to them.

My family and friends have been as supportive as they can be. However, we all know that no one understands the extent of the disorder, nor what we really experienced and went through, except for the members here on the board! Without BPD family I would not have made it through this ordeal! 

[Spartacus]

The most positive thing that has come out of this emotional chaos has been the support of my family and friends. It has brought me closer to my father and sisters than I ever thought possible and brought the family closer as a result. The relationship with my uBPDw was confusing and upsetting in a continual cycle of idealization and rejection but all very much normalized by her saying this was what all couples go through as they grow. She seemed to enjoy growing through conflict/her gas-lighting and the process of resolution/me apologizing. She thrived on it. When it came to meeting my family and friends the time was measured and controlled to 2hr limits and they hardly got to know her over the course of 3 years at all but they saw enough of her behavior to know she was difficult. I thought the difficulties and her demands were manageable and it was my problem if they weren't. She made that very clear to me that I was losing her if I didn't fix things and then get at me for being too sensitive/ taking everything as a criticism. She conditioned me into not talking to my family and friends about the relationship and that to do so would be to break the sanctity of it. a breach of trust. I went with that and never got the reality check I needed to know that the relationship was not healthy or normal until after we were married. Her behavior and demands escalated to the impossible on a rapid recycle of dysfunction. And she went to far with one particular incident involving the police and the bubble burst. I had to talk to someone and chose my father. He was amazing and just listened, something I did not expect from him. I explained everything to him eventually and doing so to my friends was very cathartic too. They were amazing. My NC continues now into month 4. My only concern with talking to my father is the effect on him as I know it has upset/ angered him to hear what was going on whilst he thought things were fine. But overall I encourage talking to close family and friends.

I hope that helps and good luck with your healing.

[divinehammer]

I appreciate you saying that. Because for the last 2 months, I have spoken with my mother every single day on the phone about this. We didn't used to have a great communicative relationship, but that sort of changed when she realized how hurt/confused I'd been by this, and I have to admit, she'd been a bottomless source of support.

Granted, being a 39-year old who speaks with his mother every day isn't doing great things for my dignity. 

[.cup.car]

I was very open with my friends about the whole thing. They saw many of the crazy messages she'd sent me and I'd ask them for advice if she was acting weird. This transparency helped a lot. People knew what was going on as it was happening. If you can't talk to your bro's about your relationship, they aren't your bro's. Period.

I was generally regarded as the mature/wise one out of my group of friends, and most people took the stance that "if there's anyone that can help her with her issues (which at the time we assumed to be abusive parents), it's .cup.car." This should give some insight into the kind of person I am.

When she finally painted me black, it was just like "oh... .she must have MAJOR problems then... ."

[icom]

I wouldn’t jeopardize my friendships by admitting that I am a complete moron.  My family hasn’t been told.  There really is no need for them to become embroiled in an event that they would find utterly incomprehensible (both the disorder, and my reasons for staying with someone with a disorder). 

When they saw me haggard and bleary-eyed, I attributed my condition to overwork. 

After years of BPD-related stress, the only relationship I am truly interested in cultivating these days is the one I have with myself. 

[StayOrLeave15]

I wouldn’t jeopardize my friendships by admitting that I am a complete moron.

Staying in a BPD relationship isn't a sign of stupidity; it is a sign of emotional distress.  Turning to loved ones for support can be very helpful in getting through these situations.

[sirius]

By the time it was over, I have no friends to tell, seriously

My family? they told me 10 years ago something is wrong and I should consider getting out, so you already knew the answer when I told them that it ended

For new people that I meet now? I said she died in a car accident

[tim_tom]

I wouldn’t jeopardize my friendships by admitting that I am a complete moron.  My family hasn’t been told.  There really is no need for them to become embroiled in an event that they would find utterly incomprehensible (both the disorder, and my reasons for staying with someone with a disorder).  

So true, mine was high functioning and extremely keen to keep all signs of disorder hidden. Even minor mistakes were warned not to tell my friends / family. (She once got in a minor fender bender with my car, just dented the bumper by backing into a post, but threatened me that I better not tell anyone)  She tried to portray perfection.

When I tried to explain to my family how messed up she was, most of them didn't seem to believe me. I think they still don't, some of them atleast. Heck, even I don't sometimes. The more I ruminate on this whole insanity, the more inexplicable it becomes.

[Deeno02]

I wouldn’t jeopardize my friendships by admitting that I am a complete moron.  My family hasn’t been told.  There really is no need for them to become embroiled in an event that they would find utterly incomprehensible (both the disorder, and my reasons for staying with someone with a disorder).  

So true, mine was high functioning and extremely keen to keep all signs of disorder hidden. Even minor mistakes were warned not to tell my friends / family. (She once got in a minor fender bender with my car, just dented the bumper by backing into a post, but threatened me that I better not tell anyone)  She tried to portray perfection.

When I tried to explain to my family how messed up she was, most of them didn't seem to believe me. I think they still don't, some of them atleast. Heck, even I don't sometimes. The more I ruminate on this whole insanity, the more inexplicable it becomes.

Thats all my friends see is the High functional super mom of 5 kids, diligently working like an octopus to take care of them. They also see super coach of Volleyball. All fu*king smoke and mirrors. Even her new guy is an old college buddy who probably remembers her one way and how shes portrayed now. Her home life and those of her kids are chaos to the n'th degree. Its only been about 2 months for them in their r/s and her oldest son already lit a roll of toliet paper on fire at school and got pinched and suspended. I was the one who got those calls to come square him away. Not anymore. I wonder if new guy got the call? Lol!

[StayOrLeave15]

By the time it was over, I have no friends to tell, seriously

My family? they told me 10 years ago something is wrong and I should consider getting out, so you already knew the answer when I told them that it ended

So true, mine was high functioning and extremely keen to keep all signs of disorder hidden. Even minor mistakes were warned not to tell my friends / family. (She once got in a minor fender bender with my car, just dented the bumper by backing into a post, but threatened me that I better not tell anyone)  She tried to portray perfection.

When I tried to explain to my family how messed up she was, most of them didn't seem to believe me. I think they still don't, some of them atleast. Heck, even I don't sometimes. The more I ruminate on this whole insanity, the more inexplicable it becomes.

Given these experiences I consider myself fortunate that I was able to turn to my friends and family.  My BPDexgf did her best to portray herself as "perfect" and "high-functioning" but my family and friends saw through it.  Like the time she called my mother and threatened her (this was post-breakup).

But anytime she found out I told loved ones about her behavior she would absolutely lose it.  She wanted me to call them in front of her and change the story I told her in order to "make her look good".  So happy to be out of this r/s.

I see how difficult it must be to not be able to tell friends and family about what you are going through and I feel for those in that position.

[tim_tom]

But anytime she found out I told loved ones about her behavior she would absolutely lose it.  She wanted me to call them in front of her and change the story I told her in order to "make her look good".  So happy to be out of this r/s.

Lol... Yep... My ex BPD had major issues with the mention of my ex wife's name by anyone but her. Seriously, if I, or kids, or my family, or my landscaper brought her up... she'd lose it (to me only). But, she was obsessed with talking about her and always brought her up herself, to me, to kids, to my family, etc... .Odd.

Anyway, my sister mentioned her a few times on some holiday, and we ended up in a huge fight. 'Your sister hates me, it's so inappropriate that she would talk about your ex in front of me... yadda yadda (and meanwhile she said 2 things over the course of 6 hours, and both were negative)... So, I called my sister and said hey can you not bring up my ex wife in front of my girlfriend, she's a little sensitive about it... Fairly PC, didn't say that my gf got mad or anything... made the mistake of telling my gf what I did and I caught absolute hell for it and was told to call back and fix it...

funny how so many things that i read on here happenned to me

[kentavr3]

Just be careful with what you said. My uBPDw started spreading stolen sensitive information about me. This is called distortion complain. You can lose friends. Some people not so educated about BPD problem and found you really villain. Try to build your own support network. I would really advise for the web page developers to create a dating service or supporting service for those who getting out from BP relationship. Just tell that you have different pints of view. Worse if kids are involved. Remember , that BP isolate you from friends and bring their own friends who share that you’re a villain. After , a break up will appear alone. I lost my close friends. She pushed me against them and I was so careless.

[Pingo]

Truthfully I haven't told many, only my closest few friends.  A yr and a half ago I was spreading the news that we eloped, on fb, to family, friends etc.  Everyone was so congratulatory (and shocked, especially his family!).  Last Christmas I deactivated my fb account and only reactivated it recently but I have wiped it clean, not one pic or post left. I never post anything bc I don't want people to notice me.  I am always so afraid an acquaintance or neighbour will ask me about him.  I don't want to tell people.  I haven't even told my boss, who I work with every day!  And it's been 5 mths!  I just find the whole scenario embarrassing and humiliating.  I'm 44 and working on my second divorce.  Not how I envisioned my life, that is for sure.