BPD spouse impossible to satisfy

[terranova79]

Hi everyone,

I'd like to introduce a topic that, for me, has been a huge part of my experience being married to my uBPDw: my spouse being impossible to satisfy.  One of the key features of our relationship is that, no matter how hard I try, I cannot make my uBPDw feel loved, supported, or appreciated. 

Right now, my wife is feeling overwhelmed by being a stay at home mom with two young kids, but no matter how much I try to help out with the kids it's not enough to prove that I am supportive.  It doesn't matter that I get them ready in the mornings, get home by 6:30 every evening (which means I have to work for an hour after they go to bed), or am often trying to find ways to get my wife some time off (baby sitters, etc).  Indeed, if I try to suggest something like getting extra babysitting time, I just get scolded and yelled at because that "won't help."  And no matter how much I tell her I appreciate the work she does, she says I don't appreciate her.  (Of course, I don't get any thanks for having a demanding job so that we can afford to live in an awesome home in the most expensive city in the country while she stays at home with the kids.)  I've also been told for years that I don't "care about the relationship"--nevermind that I have genuinely tried to be a loving spouse, in addition to having married her, merged finances, had two kids, and made huge career sacrifices for her.

What is everyone else's experience with feeling like you can never do enough?  And, more importantly, what is the effect on you?

For me, I am exhausted.  I feel like I'm running a race, desperately trying to get to the finish line where my wife and I can be happy, yet she continually moves the finish line further and further away and tells me I'm not running fast enough.  More perversely, all of this has kept me in the game far longer than I should have been.  Instead of realizing the game is rigged against me, I just keep trying harder and harder, to no avail.  Recognizing this dynamic, I believe, is the key to stopping the madness.

I would love to hear about other people's experiences.

[CareTaker]

I just couldn't keep up to the demands any more. After 3 years I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. I still am after 2 month of B/U. But recovering slowly.

There just isn't enough. You always have to do more. There demand list just get longer and longer. There is no way you can do that.

Maybe if I got some support from her side, I would have even tried harder. But the more I did, the more insults I got. These constant insults are so damaging. They rip your heart out, because you realize that they do not appreciate your efforts.

Yet you trapped by an addiction, and letting go is hell. I will get over this, not matter what!

[Mutt]

Hi terranova79



I think the best description for their chronic feelings of emptiness I came across is like filling water in a container with holes in the base.

[enlighten me]

I have thought about this a lot and the way I see it is this.

in the begining of the relationship they idolise you because you have the potential to meet all of their expectations. As these expectations are met they find that they are still not happy. They think something else is needed so ask for it. That doesnt fill the void so they ask more and more of you. They start devaluing you as you are not making them happy. They feel conned by you as you are not living up to their expectations. They throw more and more things at you to try and get you to meet their expectatoons but you just cant keep up.

in the end you burn out and the devaluation is complete.

[imstronghere2]

Hello Terranova79.  You are in good company here.  Let what enlighten me wrote sink in deep because that's exactly right.  Your words could have been written by me.  I'm 3 years out of my 19 year marriage with 2 kids (now D21 and S14) who I got sole custody of when we divorced.  Your experience right now is what I went through for those 19 years.  There are variances in technicalities, like I don't think I make the kind of money you do but the efforts we put into our marriages sounds the same.  I worked 2 jobs, always got up in the mornings with the kids, got home in time to make the dinners, do the running out to the stores, helped around the house with the cleaning, read to the kids before bed, etc, etc, etc.  All the while she didn't work, slept in every day, complained about a plethora of problems, laid in bed after dinner most nights watching TV, and nothing and I mean NOTHING I ever did was enough.  I also worked my butt off taking care of HER mother for those years so that she could live independently and as comfortably as possible in her own home until she died just prior to our divorce.

Pay attention to what I say now because I fear this is what you will be facing some day if you stay with her.

For all of my efforts, sacrifice, hard work, loyalty, faithfulness, love and devotion this is how I was rewarded.  She lied, cheated, deceived, disrespected (to an extreme), manipulated constantly, used, abused, betrayed and then abandoned me and our kids.  She just up and left us all and ran off with the SOB she was having her affair with and couldn't care less about me, our kids, our home, her animals, nothing.

This is the harsh reality you will most likely face or worse.  I suggest you find a therapist who is experienced in BPD first and then find yourself the best damn lawyer you can afford and start getting your affairs in order RIGHT NOW!   Protect your kids first and foremost and expect the worst out of her because then you'll be prepared for when it happens.

Good luck to you and your children. 

[imstronghere2]

One more thing and this should strike a chord with you. 

The two reasons my exwBPD gave for doing what she did: 

"I needed romance and I didn't feel appreciated".     


And she drove off in the only brand new vehicle I've ever bought and when I bought it, I bought it for her.

[LazyAtoms]

Hi Terranova-

Your story is VERY similar that of my SO's uBPDexwife.   He worked very hard so she could stay home with their son.  Every night when he would get home after working hard all day, she would go sit on her computer in her bedroom, leaving all childcare to him.  He was the one doing baths, playing and reading every single night.   No affection for him, no appreciation for any of his hard work, just disengagement and complaining about him, about their life, general misery.

This is what I know about my SO.  He is the most selfless, loving, gentle and patient person I have ever met.  He is a gem of a human being, and I treat him like the wonderful person that he is.   I value him, and he makes me work harder to be patient and giving myself.   

These same wonderful traits made him an enabler, and unable to see past the FOG for years that he deserved better.   He has told me that he felt responsible for his ex, almost like she was a child herself, that he was obligated to take care of.  So, like you, he would run harder and harder on the endless FUTILE hamster wheel of trying to please her, and "fix" her unhappiness.

This didn't work.  It will never work, cannot work.  They will never be truly happy, ever.   This will never change, and more than likely you will be in this same situation 10 years down the road. When I read the stories on the staying board, I feel so sad for these abused, maltreated, and emotionally neglected partners.  They and you deserve so much better, and it does not have to be this way!

Yes, it was hard for SO to leave his ex.  He was so worried about his son.  But what ultimately decided it for him was that he did not want his son to see this unhealthy model of marriage and to end up repeating the same pattern himself.  He finally realized that both he and his son deserved better, and martyring himself served no one, certainly not his ex-wife.

He is so happy now.  Yes, there are hard moments with the ex.  But to be free of her misery is an unbelievable feeling for him.  We have a wonderful relationship, and a healthy one.  I recognize his tendency to avoid conflict and to subvert his own needs for others.  Because I am a healthy person, I make sure I don't take advantage of him, I encourage him to express himself, I check in on his feelings regularly, and most importantly, I give him tons of love and respect for being the amazing person that he is.  And his son gets to see what a positive, loving relationship looks like. You DESERVE that too! 

I know working through the FOG is hard.  It took SO 12 years, but I know he has no regrets.

Good luck on your path.

[Caredverymuch]

I have thought about this a lot and the way I see it is this.

in the begining of the relationship they idolise you because you have the potential to meet all of their expectations. As these expectations are met they find that they are still not happy. They think something else is needed so ask for it. That doesnt fill the void so they ask more and more of you. They start devaluing you as you are not making them happy. They feel conned by you as you are not living up to their expectations. They throw more and more things at you to try and get you to meet their expectatoons but you just cant keep up.

in the end you burn out and the devaluation is complete.

This was my experience unfortunately. The r/s began in such a sense of mutuality then progressed to a place where I could not do enough to show my caring and commitment.   As my t said, me expBPD kept upping the ante to a point of true depletion. I had no knowledge of BPD at the time i was in the r/s and said so often to my ex that I had done everything humanly possible to keep our r/s alive.  There just is not enough human love to satisfy the constant well with a huge hole in the bottom.  You fill it up and it just as quickly depletes leaving immense emotional exhaustion on us. 

[terranova79]

Hello Terranova79.  You are in good company here.  Let what enlighten me wrote sink in deep because that's exactly right.  Your words could have been written by me.  I'm 3 years out of my 19 year marriage with 2 kids (now D21 and S14) who I got sole custody of when we divorced.  Your experience right now is what I went through for those 19 years.  There are variances in technicalities, like I don't think I make the kind of money you do but the efforts we put into our marriages sounds the same.  I worked 2 jobs, always got up in the mornings with the kids, got home in time to make the dinners, do the running out to the stores, helped around the house with the cleaning, read to the kids before bed, etc, etc, etc.  All the while she didn't work, slept in every day, complained about a plethora of problems, laid in bed after dinner most nights watching TV, and nothing and I mean NOTHING I ever did was enough.  I also worked my butt off taking care of HER mother for those years so that she could live independently and as comfortably as possible in her own home until she died just prior to our divorce.

Pay attention to what I say now because I fear this is what you will be facing some day if you stay with her.

For all of my efforts, sacrifice, hard work, loyalty, faithfulness, love and devotion this is how I was rewarded.  She lied, cheated, deceived, disrespected (to an extreme), manipulated constantly, used, abused, betrayed and then abandoned me and our kids.  She just up and left us all and ran off with the SOB she was having her affair with and couldn't care less about me, our kids, our home, her animals, nothing.

This is the harsh reality you will most likely face or worse.  I suggest you find a therapist who is experienced in BPD first and then find yourself the best damn lawyer you can afford and start getting your affairs in order RIGHT NOW!   Protect your kids first and foremost and expect the worst out of her because then you'll be prepared for when it happens.

Good luck to you and your children. 

Thanks for your response (and to everyone else who responded).  It is validating to know that so many others go through this exact same experience, and a little odd how BPDs share so many traits in common.  My uBPDw is a little different in that she's not lazy and does do a lot around the house, but she often uses that to browbeat and guilt trip me.  Finding this website has been a real life saver, plus I have a very supportive family and a great therapist.  I am sorting through my own feelings of guilt as I figure out how to extricate myself from this mess, but I think I'll be ok.  Thanks again for the support and words of caution.