Looking for support, because I'm tired of this rollercoaster

[PathFinder]

Hey everyone -

A relative of mine who is an MFT recently sent me this website (as well as many others) and I was instantly hooked. My mom has been living with her for about six months now and she is convinced my mom is BPD. My mom has always suffered from various mental health problems, such as PTSD, chronic depression, bi-polar disorder, etc., but I'm not entirely sure she's ever been accurately diagnosed and continuously treated by one doctor. She has always moved a lot, and always changed doctors once their relationship got difficult.

Anyways, my mom and I have had a very rocky on-off relationship since I was 16, when I really started to notice something was wrong with her. The way she treated me, the way she functioned, the way she talked about others... .none of it seemed normal. Being a testy teenager seemed to trigger more in her than ever, so our relationship just really went downhill from there.

In the time since then, she's lied to me about really serious things (like having cancer or getting mugged and being hospitalized), she's been angry at me for having a relationship with my dad but not her, has guilt tripped me for not having a better relationship with her, and most recently, saw a therapist who determined she needed to be on suicide watch. Once she was checked into the hospital, she began telling various family members the reason she was so suicidal was because I won't let her be a part of my life and I send her "nasty messages all the time". I feel the need to defend myself even to you guys here at BPD -- I never sent her nasty messages, and at the time she had checked into the hospital I hadn't talked to her in about a week! She didn't want people to tell me she was in the hospital, but as soon as she was out she called me and left me a voicemail stating "I just wanted to let you know I'm out of the hospital now and doing much better".

This all just feels like such a mind game! I'm in my late 20's and trying to settle down in my own career, life, etc. which has undergone a lot of change in the last few years... .and having to deal with my mom just feels impossible sometimes. At the same time, I don't want to be the cause of her suicide or distress, but I just don't know how to navigate having a healthy relationship with her while honoring myself. She causes me a great deal of anxiety, from past abuse, past tendencies to lie, her hypochondriasm (as I write this she is back in the hospital being testing for "congestive heart failure" -- which she's NEVER had any symptoms of until today), her tendency to talk behind people's backs in a really nasty way (including about my father and brother), and just my fears that if she's in her 50's and already unable to support herself and live on her own, what does that mean for me?

Sometimes I feel like I'm cold and impatient... .like I'm unwilling to forgive and extend her the grace she needs because she really is sick. But I feel like every time I give a little, she takes an arm and ends up hurting me in the end. How do we find a healthy pathway here? What books, groups, tips, etc. have any of you found helpful in managing a relationship with a BPD relative? I have been going to therapy for a few years and that has helped me to set boundaries and honor myself... .but I am about to start seeing a new therapist in hopes of learning some real tools to manage this.

I'm looking forward to reading up on all of your posts. So much of what you all have written about resonates with me and leaves me completely speechless (in a "this happens to other people, TOO?" kind of way ).

Happy to join the BPD family -

The Newbie.

[Panda39]

Hi Pathfinder 

I'm coming at BPD from a different angle than you are but your story sounds very familiar. I am in a relationship with a man who has an uBPDxw.  They have a D18 and D14.  Their dad and I have been trying to help both kids negotiate their mother and her issues.  The older daughter is the "good daughter" and the younger daughter is the "bad daughter" in the eyes of their mother.  This is a role reversal from when they were younger.  D18 had therapy in the past and D14 is ongoing with therapy and also has support from a school counselor.

Their mother is a waif/queen type of BPD mom. (Excellent Book Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

by Christine Ann Lawson) She alternates between being the victim and being the most fantastic... .got it all together... .do what I say... .super-mom on the planet. Neglectful and indulgent.  Can't ever seem do the real hard work of day to day parenting.

I can relate to all of the medical diagnoses... .in the four years I've been with my honey she has had every imaginable illness, allergy, disease that she can come up with.  Apparently she has never heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf. 

I can also relate to all of the lying.  She's had imaginary jobs, imaginary houses, imaginary vacations, lies about my SO... .he's so terribly abusive to her and the kids... .that must be why he has primary custody!

And there have been suicide threats as well.

The good news is that both girls know about BPD.  However, each handle their mother in different ways. 

The D18 I fear has learned to manipulate her mother just like her mother manipulates her.  It's kind of a sick symbiotic relationship each giving the other what they want not because they care for one another but to keep getting what they want from each other. For example: D18 appears to believe mom's lie so that mom will l buy that great new cell phone for her and mom gets her lie validated.  This is working for D18 right now but at what cost?  D18 is not being honest, is stuffing her true feelings, and is not creating boundaries.  My fear for her is that because of her relationship with her mother D18 will become more co-dependent and her mother's caretaker and her mother will interfere with D18 relationships with others. The two of them are quite enmeshed.  D18 is away at college right now which is good but mom paid for college and daughter has no idea how many strings are attached and she is already tangled in.

D14 confronts her mother about her lies and sets boundaries both of which I think are healthy.  But D14 gets in to drama cycles with mom (but who wasn't into  some drama a 14  ) that I hope she will learn to deal with in a better way.  Mom of course hates boundaries and being called on her lies so D14 has been "painted black" for no playing along like her older sister does.

You being in your 20's have the advantage of independence that my SO's daughters are only now just beginning to experience.  You can create your own boundaries with your mother.  You can decide to have as much or as little contact with her that you wish.  Maybe you just communicate via email, maybe you talk once a week, or maybe you don't have any contact with her it's up to you.  The one thing I've learned is that you can only control or change your own actions you can not make your mother do things she doesn't want to do.  So my suggestion is think about what you would like your boundaries to be and if your mom crosses those boundaries what are the consequences?  When dealing with your mom try to observe the dynamic... .are you in the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt)?

Sometimes I feel like I'm cold and impatient

That sounds like your way of putting some distance between you and your mom which is completely healthy and okay.  Know that it is okay to care about yourself and to put yourself first.  I'll use the analogy of the plane oxygen mask.  When the mask falls you put yours on and then you can help someone else.   

There are many tools on this sight to check out as well as book reviews.  The Borderline Mother book I mentioned above is excellent.  For a good BPD overview you might want to check out Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger. 

I'm sure other members will have other suggestions on good reference material.  You will find lots of different perspectives, much knowledge and understanding from our members.

I'm really glad you've found us and look forward you seeing you out on the board(s)

Again Welcome 

[Dejasade]

Hi Pathfinder.  Welcome to the boards!

Your situation sounds SO similar to mine.  Are we sisters?  My mother also has UBPD and has caused so much stress in my life, it's unbelievable.  I currently pregnant w/ my first child and I am beginning to try and find a balance in having a 'normal' relationship with my mother, but also protecting myself, my husband and soon to be daughter.  I live 4 hours from my mother and each time I go back home to visit, it's more and more stressful.  She sounds so similar to your mother... .the talking behind peoples backs, the constant health issues - it all sounds like my situation.  I can't even stand being around my mother because there is not one positive thing that comes out of her mouth.  In the past I was able to kind of shrug it off, but now w/ a child coming along, I want to be able to go back to my hometown and have traditions with my sister and her child.  I was able to sweep her negativity and BPD under the rug, but I am unable to now and i don't want to.  I, too need to find a way to have a "healthy" relationship with this person.  And I don't know how to either. I hope the both of us can find some answers here on this website and on the forums.  There are a LOT of great suggestions from people in the same situation.  And I'm sorry I have no advice for you, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.  I'm searching for a healthy medium myself.  If you ever would like to PM, I'm here.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Pathfinder

I'd like to add my welcome in with Dejasade and Panda

It's quite a thing to discover that your mother may have BPD and it involves quite a bit of mental and emotional reshuffling, doesn't it? I am happy for you to have found some validation and identify with others who have similar experience.

Me, I found it an immense relief to discover it is a condition and not just the result of me getting everything wrong and then second guessing myself about it!

It is right and proper that you be able to live your life with a measure of peace and without the sensation that you are doing the wrong thing with your mother eg maybe second guessing yourself about the seriousnesses of her illnesses etc.

In the end, even if it sounds a bit coldhearted, your mother's health is her responsibility and whilst you as a daughter have certain duties one of them is not to be a parent to your parent.

My mother, like yours has been to hospital with congestive heart failure but is surprisingly silent on the results of the testing.

She ha salso told my brother in the past that she was dying and only had 6 months to live. He fully grieved that only to find 45 years later no further sign of it ever having surfaced.

Now I am not saying your mother doesn't have genuine health issues but what I AM saying is that they are her issues to care for and should in no way be used in any kind of manipulative or attention seeking way.

Only you can determine just how much you are affected by it.

Have you read much of the material available in the library, Pathfinder? If you haven't seen it you may wish to review the article on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)

It may help you determine what are healthy ways for you to deal with her as well as what you could have expected from an emotionally healthy parent.

The link is here: Article 16: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

You could also consider this one which helps to manage suicide ideation/threats/gestures:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Is there any particular method you have found useful to use to honour yourself as you mentioned? Do you feel that your happiness or peace would be at the expense of your mother's?

Is there a specific issue that you would like tools to deal with? it can help if you break things down to simplistic forms so you can make a plan

Look forward to hearing your article reviews too!

Ziggiddy

[PathFinder]

I'm not sure if I'm replying in the right area... .but I do hope so.

I just wanted to thank you all for your support. I was almost moved to tears to read your responses! Isn't it amazing how perfect strangers can rally and really, truly make you not feel so alone in such an isolating situation? Thank you thank you thank you!

At Panda39, I can only imagine how difficult and worrying it is to try and navigate a SO's ex with BPD and their children. I hope, like you said, your D18 can find healthy ways to cope. As for me, I'm very much like your D14 and I am blacklisted quite often. My brother often listens to my mom's stories and sympathizes with her, but then she'll turn around and talk behind his back and it's just this sick, dramatic cycle. Thanks for sharing your story. I have not read the FOG article yet, but I've seen it mentioned and was wondering what it was all about.

Thank-you Ziggiddy for sharing the links - I am definitely going to check them out. I think I will definitely order the book Walking on Eggshells. My mom has most recently resorted to trying to use my cousin for her drama - whether it be to "share her struggles" with or to play the victim with ... .it's very frustrating. My cousin sets very clear boundaries though and is more able to handle the situation than I am, so I am thankful for that. I feel like once I am better equipped (more knowledge of the BPD person, more tools on how to handle them, more confidence in myself, etc) I will be able to have more of a relationship with my mom. For now, I think I'm going to do what I'm most comfortable with and which really alleviates my anxiety - and that is putting space between us.

Hi Dejasade -- congrats on the baby! I bet you are SO excited! Isn't it funny how having a kid, or in my case "thinking" about having one, can really change your perspective? I always just assumed my mom would be a good grandma, and I know she would -- but I also think she has the potential to do damage. The more I've gotten to know her as an adult the more I've thought about how I am going to draw clear boundaries of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable when it comes to my mom's relationship with my kids. At this point, I'm not even sure I'd want her to babysit if I had a kid because I'd be so afraid of her mood suddenly shifting or just her tendency to talk about people behind their back and that affecting my kids. I hope you find a good path to be able to go home and enjoy it, without too much drama erupting on the family front.

Thanks again for all your responses! I'm happy to have found some people who have been in similar situations as me. All this time I really just thought my mom was bat___ crazy and unwilling to get help or change... .but I'm seeing now there is more to it than that.