Moms BPD, dad is sociopath. Is cutting them off best decision?

[antonio1213]

I have already cut my father off. He is currently going through a divorce with my step mother whom they have one small child with. Their marriage was terrible, he was verbally abusive, very angry, treated wife TERRIBLY and smoked weed almost openly. Left his partly smoked joints everywhere. I cut off contact with him. He is a sociopath I'm 90% sure.

My mother on the other hand is another story. She is on her 3rd marriage. She jumps from guy to guy to guy with almost no break in between. While she was dating her last bf (lets call him jeff) she met her current husband (lets call him Jason). Also should put in Jeff lived 2 houses away in our neighborhood. She started flirting with Jason in front of all her children even though she was still dating Jeff. She broke up with Jeff and almost immediately started to date Jason, even though he was technically married (getting divorced though). They got drunk and acted inappropriately together and 3 years later they decided to get married. Not even 6 months into being married they get a separation. Now they are on the fence and don't know what they are doing. My mother is very impulsive, not dependable, crazy, childish, terrible with money, irrational, fake, and I just can't plain out stand being around her.

Both her and my father are doing a TERRRRIBLE job of raising my youngest sister. She is 15 years old. She can't stand my mothers  husband and lives with our father. He works a lot and leaves her at the house by herself. She has had sex, done numerous drugs, had huge parties, had guys in their 20s spend the night at the house when my father is away. Neither of them communicate, they both hate each other, both act childish, don't punish her, etc. etc. About 2 months ago my dad left the country on vacation leaving my sister at the house by herself…AND NO ONE KNEW!

My mother has given up on my young sister as has my dad. They give in to her.

Is it best to cut off all contact with my parents and family in general? It will be very hard because I am starting college and need guidance and $. I have tried numerous times for years to help them all but it never works, they will never change.

[clljhns]

  antonio1213,


So glad you are here! Many of us here have experienced what you have with our parents. I am NC with my FOO, and have been so for 10 years. I am at a very different stage in my life than you, almost 50 years old. It took me many years to come to the decision to break off contact. I was trapped by FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) for many years, and felt that I couldn't leave.

Is it best to cut off all contact with my parents and family in general? It will be very hard because I am starting college and need guidance and $. I have tried numerous times for years to help them all but it never works, they will never change.

I don't know if it is best for you to go NC with parents. You must decide for yourself what is best. If you do decide to stay in contact, I would recommend reading: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog, or : https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion.

These are great articles to help understand the dynamics of a relationship between a parent with BPD and their children.

You might also want to read about communication strategies, such as: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation.

Is it possible to get the guidance and support through another family member (aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc)?

One of the most frustrating aspects of having a parent with BPD is that they do not have the ability to self-reflect. So, you are right that you won't be able to change them. Change will come when they choose to recognize their behaviors and want to make a change. What you do have control over is how you react and respond to them. This is the only change that you can control.

Wishing you all the best! Please keep posting, as we are all here for you!

Peace and blessings.

[Rbrdkyst4]

"One of the most frustrating aspects of having a parent with BPD is that they do not have the ability to self-reflect. So, you are right that you won't be able to change them. Change will come when they choose to recognize their behaviors and want to make a change. What you do have control over is how you react and respond to them. This is the only change that you can control."

Truer words could not have been written so well. Thanks clljhns!

Antonio1213, it is all about how you react and respond. In the words from an excellent show 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin's character says "Speak low, say no, let them go". I take it to mean speak thoughtfully and straightforwardly, establish boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable - maybe even breaking things off and going No Contact, and realize that you'll have to let them figure it out for themselves as painful as that might be.