Attachment

[Harlygirl]

When the pwBPD is searching for attachment, what kind of attachment is that? ... .What is it about the NON that they want to attach to? ... .is it about them sensing our ability to love them?... .and do THEY attach for love,  or is it just about availability?

[Raybo48]

I'm sure other members will get into much more detail than I, but in short; they attach based on their 'needs' only, and it sure isn't about love despite what they tell you 5 million times.

[Deeno02]

Yep, pretty much. Till you fail to keep up with demands and then your dropped like a bad habit... .

[vortex of confusion]

I tend to think it is more about availability. My husband and I have been together for 16.5 years and I have always had this nagging feeling that I could be pretty much anybody in the world and that there was nothing special about me whatsoever. I chalked it up to my own insecurities and tried to put it out of my mind. My nagging feeling was more or less validated when we were experimenting with having an open relationship. His only concern seemed to be whether or not the women would talk to him and have sex with him. It seemed like there was absolutely NO sense whatsoever. And he seemed to like the super needy ones the best because they were more apt to shower him with attention.

[Raybo48]

I tend to think it is more about availability. My husband and I have been together for 16.5 years and I have always had this nagging feeling that I could be pretty much anybody in the world and that there was nothing special about me whatsoever. I chalked it up to my own insecurities and tried to put it out of my mind. My nagging feeling was more or less validated when we were experimenting with having an open relationship. His only concern seemed to be whether or not the women would talk to him and have sex with him. It seemed like there was absolutely NO sense whatsoever. And he seemed to like the super needy ones the best because they were more apt to shower him with attention.

Hence fulfilling his needs without the slightest concern for who that may be.  Or am I missing something?

[peiper]

There's an amount of love,  but it's totally devoured by the disease.

[Raybo48]

I guess it's how you define love.  I agree there is an amount, but it's 100% conditional from the start.

[vortex of confusion]

Hence fulfilling his needs without the slightest concern for who that may be.  Or am I missing something?

No, you are not missing anything. He would talk to women that didn't seem to have anything in common with him at all. Yes, I talked to people but it was pretty obvious whether or not we had anything in common. I wouldn't take up with just anybody. He seemed to change who he was based on who he was talking to at any given moment. It would totally baffle me that I was his wife and he would say that he valued all of these things in me and yet turn around and find a woman to talk to whose only quality seemed to be the fact that she would talk to him. With one, he was learning all about BDSM. I had suggested that and even encouraged trying that with him but he told me he wasn't interested. He always said that he loves my mind and my ability to have philosophical conversations with him yet he was talking to these women about getting their nails done and other really mundane and vapid stuff. It drove me friggin' crazy to have him say he wanted all of these things yet push me away when I tried to give him those things. I guess I had become boring or something.

[Raybo48]

Hence fulfilling his needs without the slightest concern for who that may be.  Or am I missing something?

No, you are not missing anything. He would talk to women that didn't seem to have anything in common with him at all. Yes, I talked to people but it was pretty obvious whether or not we had anything in common. I wouldn't take up with just anybody. He seemed to change who he was based on who he was talking to at any given moment. It would totally baffle me that I was his wife and he would say that he valued all of these things in me and yet turn around and find a woman to talk to whose only quality seemed to be the fact that she would talk to him. With one, he was learning all about BDSM. I had suggested that and even encouraged trying that with him but he told me he wasn't interested. He always said that he loves my mind and my ability to have philosophical conversations with him yet he was talking to these women about getting their nails done and other really mundane and vapid stuff. It drove me friggin' crazy to have him say he wanted all of these things yet push me away when I tried to give him those things. I guess I had become boring or something.

Ya, very odd for sure.  My ex would constantly gravitate toward people in AA or other recovery centers (alcohol detox) depending on where she was at.  Then before you know it she was "good friends" with some of those people she JUST met.  It was a very bizarre and quick attachment to people who were from totally different walks of life, and in some cases were severe active addicts to various substances. 

My ex would put these people on the same level as her lifelong friends, myself, or family and they would ultimately use her for money and drag her into their extremely dramatic and chaotic lives until their "friendship" eventually ended as suddenly as it started.  Naturally I felt some of the blow back from those crazy 'friendships' because she was my girlfriend and I had to hear about the drama or see it first hand.   I'll never understand that attachment and what 'need' it met in my BPDxgf mind.

[Perfidy]

Hi harleygirl. Hope you are well today. Attachment develops as a result of feeling. Feeling comes from contact through our senses. We have six senses. Our sense of mind has phenomena as its perceived object. The other five senses, touch, sight, taste, smell, and hearing, we are all more familiar with. Attachment in any form is undesirable because it causes us to generate a mess of emotions that we waste energy trying to sort out. This is human nature. An unhealthy mind doesn't perceive phenomena such as love and compassion correctly. Hope this helps you.

[Harlygirl]

Hi Perfidy... .and thank you for responding.   When you talk about love and compassion... .do you mean that the love and compassion that the Non expresses for the pw BPD is not perceived as such by the pw BPD? And if so... .how is it perceived?

[Perfidy]

Harlygirl,There is no way to determine the consciousness of another. An unhealthy mind manifests through unhealthy behavior. We can only determine our own perceptions. Hopefully enough obscuration can lift through self awareness that we are able to arrive at love and spread it to others with compassion. We cannot ignore our intuition. Generally, we get ourselves into these messes through our own afflicted desire.