I didn't last long.

[Ladylove]

I wanted nothing more than to work with this... .to be the strong person that I thought I could be... .practice the SET, the validation... .I just think nobody has any idea what I'm working with.(I'm sure you all really do)

I want to be with my uBPDh so bad, I'm getting such AMAZING advice on this site, but I literally don't think I can do this?

He came to my work today to spend a bit of time with me before he had to go to work... .

He sat down and we just stared at eachother. Then he spoke "I'm feeling like I have taken more responsibility for the house and the cleaning lately. I bought mats for the front and back entryway, and the sink is rusting, and I bought Christmas lights for the house"... ( This is after I spent 2 straight days bleaching the WALLS of the house and OCD vaccuuming to get dog hair out of the carpet)... .

I tried the validation

"I really appreciate the rugs at the front and back doors", "What do you need me to do to help with the sink"

But I was cringing inside the whole time knowing that I was not a deadbeat and I've been more than pulling my weight... but don't D, and don't A, and don't E... .I managed to avoid doing all of this

He read my avoidance and lost his mind, and I set a boundary to protect myself ... .I stated "I think you need to leave"

He says "No kidding".

Then he leaves, slams a door, and just texts the hell out of my phone for hours.

I set another boundary... ."I'm sorry, but I need to stay at my moms for a bit"

HE looses his mind again( via text of course)

I kindly ask him not to contact me if he can not be civil

He continues to contact me. Do I block my husbands number? Do I turn off my phone? I also only have this contact number for my daughters daycare and school to call me?... .

Now, I'm at the point where I feel so far gone.

I am beating my head against a wall

How do you all do this?

My skin is not thick enough to just blame it on a disorder... .a speculation of a disorder at that.

What the H do I do?

I am staying at my moms house. Nice- 33 and living at home... .dragging my child along for the ride.

I want this to work. I love him. I feel sorry for him, but I literally don't know how to cope with a person like this.  I need love.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[takingandsending]

Hi LL.

Wow. I am so sorry that you are going through such blame and rage when you are working so hard to communicate with respect and care for your husband.   

1. It takes a lot of bravery to live with a person with BPD. You are at the target end of emotions that they are largely unaware of and almost completely unable to control.

2. At times of crisis, the last thing that most of us do is to consider what we are feeling or how to take care of ourselves. But that is actually the best thing that you can do.

3. While it helps to not take things personally, it really isn't possible until the boundaries start becoming more solid. I remember when I first began working with boundaries with my uBPDw, I would be shaking internally after her fury had lashed me. And I would try to validate her and add (resentfully) in my mind "... .because you're crazy". When my boundaries became more steady, I began feeling some real sympathy for her, and it really has started to feel less personal. Not always. I still get caught by attacks on my character sometimes.

Then he spoke "I'm feeling like I have taken more responsibility for the house and the cleaning lately. I bought mats for the front and back entryway, and the sink is rusting, and I bought Christmas lights for the house"... ( This is after I spent 2 straight days bleaching the WALLS of the house and OCD vaccuuming to get dog hair out of the carpet)... .

I tried the validation

"I really appreciate the rugs at the front and back doors", "What do you need me to do to help with the sink"

Good effort. As I often do, you may have missed the feeling that was underneath his communication. I wouldn't worry much about it. Since BPD struggle so mightily to not express what they are really feeling, you can't be blamed for not knowing.   Still, the feeling may have been: "Wow. I can see how overwhelming it is to take on anymore lately, and the house stuff never seems to end. Maybe we can work together on what to do with the sink."

He read my avoidance and lost his mind, and I set a boundary to protect myself ... .I stated "I think you need to leave"

He says "No kidding".

Then he leaves, slams a door, and just texts the hell out of my phone for hours.

I set another boundary... ."I'm sorry, but I need to stay at my moms for a bit"

HE looses his mind again( via text of course)

I kindly ask him not to contact me if he can not be civil

He continues to contact me. Do I block my husbands number? Do I turn off my phone? I also only have this contact number for my daughters daycare and school to call me?... .

Did he read your avoidance? Truth is, you have no idea what he was reacting to. It is very possible (and likely) that he was dysregulating over an event that had nothing to do with you. Great, direct boundaries, particularly as you were in a vulnerable position at work!   I would just delete his texts. Don't read them. They will just make you unhappy and cause you more pain. Take care of yourself right now. It is critical. Do something positive for you and your daughter. And here's the one that may help the most ... .

I am staying at my moms house. Nice- 33 and living at home... .dragging my child along for the ride.

Please do whatever you can to not judge yourself for what you are experiencing. Sometimes, after a really difficult episode, I will literally pat myself on the back and say, "Wow, you really did a great job staying calm." or "You really were strong and loving." Think of what just happened. Your husband was being aggressive, abusive and refused to respect your right to safety, love and kindness. You have managed to take care of your needs for safety and respect and kindness. And you managed to keep your daughter safe in the process. That takes a hell of a lot of courage, creativity and resilience. Don't be hard on yourself for that. That is a positive outcome.

Eventually, your H's rage will hit an extinction burst if you maintain your boundaries. You are in the fire of it right now. There is some information in the Lessons about this phenomenon. Hang in there. And take solace in your own strength and values. You are really doing everything you can.   

[Grey Kitty]

Hang in there a little longer! It does sound like an extinction burst.

I've got a suggestion for your phone... .you could block your H. In the future, I'd recommend when he starts burning up your phone send him one text saying "Stop sending me abusive texts, or I will block your number for the day. Then do it after the next text. Set a time limit on it, and try to honor it.

The other option: Get a "silence" ringtone, or make one, and put it on your phone. Assign it to your H for both texts and calls as needed.

[Ladylove]

I remember when I first began working with boundaries with my uBPDw, I would be shaking internally after her fury had lashed me. And I would try to validate her and add (resentfully) in my mind "... .because you're crazy".

... .I have done this, and this makes sense. I have been on the verge of doing this with validation more frequently, but things are coming out of my mouth with a face that believes none of my words... .so difficult, but I'm sure consistently doing the above- it makes sense that it would eventually become the 'dance', and I would likely be able to eventually do the same and start feeling bad for him and legitimately really loving and just wanting to help him.

"Please do whatever you can to not judge yourself for what you are experiencing"

You're right- I needed to do that for my own sanity, to set a boundary, and to remove my daughter from the situation.

Thank you

GK/Takingandsending

Great advice, as always. 

We both took some time to blow off steam away from eachother, and had a decent conversation the next day.

One thing I noticed is that he was very fixated on the fact that I "left" and that I keep "leaving"... .it gets him right P'd... .it makes sense though because of the abandonment issues.  I keep telling him that yes, I'm leaving, but the plan is to calm down and come back.

He has continued to bring up the fact that I always leave, even when we are having a good conversation and getting past some of that, he will get fired up again and burst out "Just STOP f*%#$@! leaving!"

I will say "Hun, we have moved on from that. I need to leave the situation for a moment to think."

Yes, I have taken off in the past saying that I need a 'breather' and some time to think. I think he has a running tally... .

He has told me things like "everytime you leave, my heart goes a little colder", "if you leave me again, one day I'm not going to want you to come back" etc... .

I'm pretty sure this is just threats, but he says it with such sincerity. So much from him that is so difficult to hear, especially when I know I'm doing things for the better of "US".

I'm working on not trying to hang on his words or take them for face value.  This is tough because for the first few years of knowing him and not knowing about BPD, I took everything he said, panicked and apologized, cried, swore I'd never walk out of the house again, and lived in a war zone... .and started doing everything necessary to keep him happy while I sacrificed all of me.

I guess I have to keep reminding him that taking a break from eachother for a few hours, for a night, for however long it takes for us(him) to sit down and have a logical conversation about the topic at hand is healthy and I need to do it... .and I know I do, or I might implode.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like good progress! 

One thing I noticed is that he was very fixated on the fact that I "left" and that I keep "leaving"... .it gets him right P'd... .it makes sense though because of the abandonment issues.  I keep telling him that yes, I'm leaving, but the plan is to calm down and come back.

A pwBPD's fear of abandonment is real, and when you leave, this triggers it. This isn't your problem... .but you can do some things to reduce/manage the problem.

At departure, say something like "I'm going to (someplace). I'll be back in 20 minutes." (or two hours or overnight or however long you feel you need.)

By stating you will return, you ease the fear of abandonment. By making that commitment to return, and honoring it, you build trust. Be specific, and be on time. If you say "soon" or "when I cool down" or (BAD, invalidating option!) "when you calm down", you open yourself up for a fight over what "soon" meant.

You didn't promise to come back and take what made you need to go away. You said you would return. That is all you have to honor. If you find dysregulation still in force, and are immediately attacked, time to go away again. You can use the same technique again too. I'd recommend doing it for longer the next time, since it obviously wasn't enough!