Clarity

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

2 months after b/u and 48 days NC. I finally see that I was never to be in the big picture. I honestly believe I was an embarassment to her as Im not a ritzy guy, I dont have a huge house in an exclusive neighbor hood, I have a bunch of tattoos and I dont have a fancy car, and Im not the easiest on the eyes. Its the only thing I can think of that she kept me from my friends, her friends and never wanted to do things with other couples or anything I wanted to do. But Im me. I always told her that what you see is what you get, no falsehoods, no fairy dust, just an honest, loving man. I was used. Plain and simple. I was used for her to regain her confidence and going from a stay at home mom of 5 to a Volleyball coach. But here is a couple things she never bargined for...

her life is still chaos, mine isnt.

Shes drifting along with life... Im not.

She may have a new guy, while Im alone, but Im good with that. He wont last long, even if he has known you since college.

Her illness wont change... Im not a part of it.

She will continue to paint black those you disagree or fight back... I dont need to because I understand peoples diversity and opinions(almost lost that while with her).

She will still be needy... I will continue my independence.  

She will continue to be a victim... I choose not to be

She will continue to be a parasite... I wont be the host

She will continue to be toxic... Im not in her target area.

She will continue her dysfunction, ultimately causing harm to her 5 kids as her circus continues(truly saddens me to no end)

Theres a ton more, but it's not worth my effort any longer to speak of her. She chose this, not me.

As my Dad used to say, life is about choices: right, wrong, good bad, but they all have consequences. Choose wisely.

She made a choice, and ultimately it benefitted me, as I have my freedom and sanity. Oh, dont get me wrong, she still occupys a little space in my head, but its in the form of a lesson Ive learned, and never will repeat... .ever. She can try and triangulate, recycle, slice, dice, whatever you want to call it, but I will never allow her abuse again... ever.

[Deeno02]

2 months after b/u and 48 days NC. I finally see that I was never to be in the big picture. I honestly believe I was an embarassment to her as Im not a ritzy guy, I dont have a huge house in an exclusive neighbor hood, I have a bunch of tattoos and I dont have a fancy car, and Im not the easiest on the eyes. Its the only thing I can think of that she kept me from my friends, her friends and never wanted to do things with other couples or anything I wanted to do. But Im me. I always told her that what you see is what you get, no falsehoods, no fairy dust, just an honest, loving man. I was used. Plain and simple. I was used for her to regain her confidence and going from a stay at home mom of 5 to a Volleyball coach. But here is a couple things she never bargined for...

her life is still chaos, mine isnt.

Shes drifting along with life... Im not.

She may have a new guy, while Im alone, but Im good with that. He wont last long, even if he has known you since college.

Her illness wont change... Im not a part of it.

She will continue to paint black those you disagree or fight back... I dont need to because I understand peoples diversity and opinions(almost lost that while with her).

She will still be needy... I will continue my independence.  

She will continue to be a victim... I choose not to be

She will continue to be a parasite... I wont be the host

She will continue to be toxic... Im not in her target area.

She will continue her dysfunction, ultimately causing harm to her 5 kids as her circus continues(truly saddens me to no end)

Theres a ton more, but it's not worth my effort any longer to speak of her. She chose this, not me.

As my Dad used to say, life is about choices: right, wrong, good bad, but they all have consequences. Choose wisely.

She made a choice, and ultimately it benefitted me, as I have my freedom and sanity. Oh, dont get me wrong, she still occupys a little space in my head, but its in the form of a lesson Ive learned, and never will repeat... .ever. She can try and triangulate, recycle, slice, dice, whatever you want to call it, but I will never allow her abuse again... ever.

[Pieter2]

Good for you Deeno

Well done on your progress. Your thinking is spot on. Just remember also, she might think she has moved on because of the new r/s but she hasn't in reality. She really has just done the same as usual. You're actually the one moving on. Funny how that works, isn't it? Just a matter of perspective.

[Deeno02]

Good for you Deeno

Well done on your progress. Your thinking is spot on. Just remember also, she might think she has moved on because of the new r/s but she hasn't in reality. She really has just done the same as usual. You're actually the one moving on. Funny how that works, isn't it? Just a matter of perspective.

For sure. Its going to be the same for this guy as it was for her ex husband and as it was for me. It's going to be sunshine and roses for them till he screws up, then the fall begins... It's her problem, certainly not mine...

[Butterfly44]

Nicely said Deeno but I feel you're still hurting and rightly so. I've read a lot of your threads and we appear to have been treated in a very similar fashion and not just because they had BPD.

May I ask in all honesty, what would you do if she came back to you?

48 days NC is great... .I managed 10... .not great.

Keep up the good fight my friend.

[Deeno02]

Nicely said Deeno but I feel you're still hurting and rightly so. I've read a lot of your threads and we appear to have been treated in a very similar fashion and not just because they had BPD.

May I ask in all honesty, what would you do if she came back to you?

48 days NC is great... .I managed 10... .not great.

Keep up the good fight my friend.

I would do nothing Butterfly. I still hurt, but its for her kids whom I loved like my own and we were a pretty blended family for awhile. But as we faltered and finally parted, she said some pretty bad stuff about my kids that I cant ever excuse. You wnat to blast me, cool. Kids are off limits. I dont care if she recieved the most complete therapy ever, Im done with her. Mental and verbal abuse is abuse. What lesson do I show my kids by letting her back into my life? That its ok to be abused? I think not. Im done with her and her chaos and snarky attitude.

[going places]

Nicely said Deeno but I feel you're still hurting and rightly so. I've read a lot of your threads and we appear to have been treated in a very similar fashion and not just because they had BPD.

May I ask in all honesty, what would you do if she came back to you?

48 days NC is great... .I managed 10... .not great.

Keep up the good fight my friend.

I would do nothing Butterfly. I still hurt, but its for her kids whom I loved like my own and we were a pretty blended family for awhile. But as we faltered and finally parted, she said some pretty bad stuff about my kids that I cant ever excuse. You wnat to blast me, cool. Kids are off limits. I dont care if she recieved the most complete therapy ever, Im done with her. Mental and verbal abuse is abuse. What lesson do I show my kids by letting her back into my life? That its ok to be abused? I think not. Im done with her and her chaos and snarky attitude.

That was one of the BIGGEST reasons I threw my exh out.

I have kids watching.

They watched me go from 'normal' to 'self-destrutive / chronically depressed... .over night.

They watched me suffer for almost 3 years.

They watched me pull my ish together.

They watched me pull up my boot straps and say "Oh hell no... .no more".

They watched me stick to my guns (divorcing him)

AND they watched me remove him from the home; and start healing... .start becoming the "mom" they have always known, only better; stronger... .and independent.

I verbalized to the kids that what they had been thru for the last 3 years was so abnormal I could puke.

That what they have watched is so abnormal and wrong... .

If they take ANYTHING away from the last 3 years it's this:

NEVER EVER allow someone to abuse you. NEVER EVER allow someone to treat you in a way that makes you feel like what you saw me go thru.

DO NOT allow fear, feelings and emotions make decisions.

Never ever ever allow someone or give someone the power to dictate how you feel or how you live.

Ever.

I apologized to my kids for putting them thru 3 years of living hell.

I apologized for having my head jammed up my arce so deep you could see my hair when I opened my mouth.

I promised those kids I would never ever allow myself to be like that again AND THEY HAVE FULL PERMISSION to call my arce to the rug if I start acting like that!

That was one of my final straws.

The exh was 'ignoring' my youngest daughter (HIS CHILD TOO) before she left for boot camp. Like walking out of the room she was in, not talking to her, going in a different room when she was in the room... .

But he would text her.

He was treating her, like me (her and I are wired very similar).

She didn't do ANYTHING to him, but he knew, if he treated her poorly, he's 'get a rise out of me'... .

He just didn't count on my divorcing him and throwing him out.

Don't mess with my babies... .you will most definitely get the mama bear claws... .:-)

[Deeno02]

Nicely said Deeno but I feel you're still hurting and rightly so. I've read a lot of your threads and we appear to have been treated in a very similar fashion and not just because they had BPD.

May I ask in all honesty, what would you do if she came back to you?

48 days NC is great... .I managed 10... .not great.

Keep up the good fight my friend.

I would do nothing Butterfly. I still hurt, but its for her kids whom I loved like my own and we were a pretty blended family for awhile. But as we faltered and finally parted, she said some pretty bad stuff about my kids that I cant ever excuse. You wnat to blast me, cool. Kids are off limits. I dont care if she recieved the most complete therapy ever, Im done with her. Mental and verbal abuse is abuse. What lesson do I show my kids by letting her back into my life? That its ok to be abused? I think not. Im done with her and her chaos and snarky attitude.

That was one of the BIGGEST reasons I threw my exh out.

I have kids watching.

They watched me go from 'normal' to 'self-destrutive / chronically depressed... .over night.

They watched me suffer for almost 3 years.

They watched me pull my ish together.

They watched me pull up my boot straps and say "Oh hell no... .no more".

They watched me stick to my guns (divorcing him)

AND they watched me remove him from the home; and start healing... .start becoming the "mom" they have always known, only better; stronger... .and independent.

I verbalized to the kids that what they had been thru for the last 3 years was so abnormal I could puke.

That what they have watched is so abnormal and wrong... .

If they take ANYTHING away from the last 3 years it's this:

NEVER EVER allow someone to abuse you. NEVER EVER allow someone to treat you in a way that makes you feel like what you saw me go thru.

DO NOT allow fear, feelings and emotions make decisions.

Never ever ever allow someone or give someone the power to dictate how you feel or how you live.

Ever.

I apologized to my kids for putting them thru 3 years of living hell.

I apologized for having my head jammed up my arce so deep you could see my hair when I opened my mouth.

I promised those kids I would never ever allow myself to be like that again AND THEY HAVE FULL PERMISSION to call my arce to the rug if I start acting like that!

That was one of my final straws.

The exh was 'ignoring' my youngest daughter (HIS CHILD TOO) before she left for boot camp. Like walking out of the room she was in, not talking to her, going in a different room when she was in the room... .

But he would text her.

He was treating her, like me (her and I are wired very similar).

She didn't do ANYTHING to him, but he knew, if he treated her poorly, he's 'get a rise out of me'... .

He just didn't count on my divorcing him and throwing him out.

Don't mess with my babies... .you will most definitely get the mama bear claws... .:-)

Right on!

[Raybo48]

2 months after b/u and 48 days NC. I finally see that I was never to be in the big picture. I honestly believe I was an embarassment to her as Im not a ritzy guy, I dont have a huge house in an exclusive neighbor hood, I have a bunch of tattoos and I dont have a fancy car, and Im not the easiest on the eyes. Its the only thing I can think of that she kept me from my friends, her friends and never wanted to do things with other couples or anything I wanted to do. But Im me. I always told her that what you see is what you get, no falsehoods, no fairy dust, just an honest, loving man. I was used. Plain and simple. I was used for her to regain her confidence and going from a stay at home mom of 5 to a Volleyball coach. But here is a couple things she never bargined for...

her life is still chaos, mine isnt.

Shes drifting along with life... Im not.

She may have a new guy, while Im alone, but Im good with that. He wont last long, even if he has known you since college.

Her illness wont change... Im not a part of it.

She will continue to paint black those you disagree or fight back... I dont need to because I understand peoples diversity and opinions(almost lost that while with her).

She will still be needy... I will continue my independence.  

She will continue to be a victim... I choose not to be

She will continue to be a parasite... I wont be the host

She will continue to be toxic... Im not in her target area.

She will continue her dysfunction, ultimately causing harm to her 5 kids as her circus continues(truly saddens me to no end)

Theres a ton more, but it's not worth my effort any longer to speak of her. She chose this, not me.

As my Dad used to say, life is about choices: right, wrong, good bad, but they all have consequences. Choose wisely.

She made a choice, and ultimately it benefitted me, as I have my freedom and sanity. Oh, dont get me wrong, she still occupys a little space in my head, but its in the form of a lesson Ive learned, and never will repeat... .ever. She can try and triangulate, recycle, slice, dice, whatever you want to call it, but I will never allow her abuse again... ever.

I love all your points, well said.  We can all apply those to our own exBPD and in relation to their likely hood to do nothing about their plight in life I'll take some lyrics from an old RUSH tune.  "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice"   Unfortunately, our BPDx's will likely always choose to do nothing to help themselves... Not your issue because you are getting better all the time.   Great to hear!