Explaining BPD. (Trying to)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I cannot explain this disorder. And oftentimes fail miserably, in my efforts to resonate among the uninitiated. I risk mis-perceptions, as a paranoid or conspiracy theorist as I attempt to explain this illness to those who've never loved a person with borderline personality disorder.

For these fortunate souls, it's a blessing of ignorance. A shield that protects but fails in the deliverance of comprehension to an anger, that is beyond profound.

Here's the best explanation I can manage. I welcome any helpful advice on improving this. And it would be an honor for me receiving help from those of you, whom have suffered without the shield of ignorance. To have experienced first-hand, the pain of BPD anger.

Let me know.

Here goes:

Have you ever had a skin burn or an area of skin that's been ripped away? If you've ever had that, then you'll know that those newly exposed underlying tissues are extremely sensitive to heat, cold and even the slightest touch. These exposures can also be incredibly painful while also producing overwhelming sensations from even the slightest stimuli.

Now imagine, if this sensitivity were to be applied to ann entire individual but on an emotional level.

That, in a nutshell is borderline personality disorder.

The failure of our marriage, for my BPD wife induced an emotional pain so intense that for her it was simply unbearable. The pain I've experienced so far, has been unbearable at times. But it may be only a fraction of what she's feeling.

The intensity of this pain in combination with her inability to self sooth is ultimately what I've come to experience from her. And what I've seen manifested so far, as extremely aggressive, offensive and angry behaviors. This is the ultimate expression of transference.

There must be for her however, valid reasoning to herself and to those on the outside that justifies these angry, aggressive behaviors. That's where smearing and distortion come into play.

She cannot tell people that, it is because her painful emotions are so incredibly amplified that she's compelled to nothing short of attacking the father of her children in every way she might conceive. That won't work and she knows this.

What will work though, is the creation of a monster. Interestingly, that's what she had my children and just about everyone else calling me. But in me, she succeeded in creating the villain she so desperately needed. And because she was able to convince one of our children (somehow) of this, it played further. Convincing police, social workers, law guardians, judges, school officials. The list goes on ad infinitum.

I've spent 50 years on the planet. Half of that has been spent with her. And during this entire time, I've managed to stay clear of trouble and lead a fairly productive life. I've been a father, husband, brother, son and a freind.

Today, I stand only as an accused. Every aspect of my former life has been taken from me. There is nothing left remaining.

For the first time in my 50 years, I have been dragged out in handcuffs from two of my homes, never to see my belongings inside them, ever again. Arrested. Jailed. Charged as a criminal. Fired from my job and unable to pass the required background check too get a new one. Dropped by my doctor. Investigated by the IRS. Border crossings now involve everything short of body cavity searches. My children have been taken away and is the source of the most unimaginable, intractable pain. I cannot tell them I love them. I cannot ask about them. I cannot ask you to say hello for me. I am now, only a potential criminal. A potential violator. One who you always, must be afraid of.

The only thing I can do, is show up for my Court appearances and listen carefully, and hear for the first time each month, all the new allegations. And with them, threats of new criminal charges that are always pending, but always fail to materialize. That my next arrest is imminent, maybe even right now, from inside the courtroom. This pattern repeats itself each month. In open court and in the presence of a notoriously biased judge. Who has yet to fail meting punitive actions against me in response.

This is the pattern for nearly the past 2 years of my life. The court and all associated personnel, have yet to take any action that might substantiate validity to any of her claims. I've been endlessly accused, month after month. Each time, the court whittles away just a little bit more from me. I have very little left for them to take.

[GhostDad]

I cannot explain this disorder. And oftentimes fail miserably, in my efforts to resonate among the uninitiated. I risk mis-perceptions, as a paranoid or conspiracy theorist as I attempt to explain this illness to those who've never loved a person with borderline personality disorder.

For these fortunate souls, it's a blessing of ignorance. A shield that protects but fails in the deliverance of comprehension to an anger, that is beyond profound.

Here's the best explanation I can manage. I welcome any helpful advice on improving this. And it would be an honor for me receiving help from those of you, whom have suffered without the shield of ignorance. To have experienced first-hand, the pain of BPD anger.

Let me know.

Here goes:

Have you ever had a skin burn or an area of skin that's been ripped away? If you've ever had that, then you'll know that those newly exposed underlying tissues are extremely sensitive to heat, cold and even the slightest touch. These exposures can also be incredibly painful while also producing overwhelming sensations from even the slightest stimuli.

Now imagine, if this sensitivity were to be applied to ann entire individual but on an emotional level.

That, in a nutshell is borderline personality disorder.

The failure of our marriage, for my BPD wife induced an emotional pain so intense that for her it was simply unbearable. The pain I've experienced so far, has been unbearable at times. But it may be only a fraction of what she's feeling.

The intensity of this pain in combination with her inability to self sooth is ultimately what I've come to experience from her. And what I've seen manifested so far, as extremely aggressive, offensive and angry behaviors. This is the ultimate expression of transference.

There must be for her however, valid reasoning to herself and to those on the outside that justifies these angry, aggressive behaviors. That's where smearing and distortion come into play.

She cannot tell people that, it is because her painful emotions are so incredibly amplified that she's compelled to nothing short of attacking the father of her children in every way she might conceive. That won't work and she knows this.

What will work though, is the creation of a monster. Interestingly, that's what she had my children and just about everyone else calling me. But in me, she succeeded in creating the villain she so desperately needed. And because she was able to convince one of our children (somehow) of this, it played further. Convincing police, social workers, law guardians, judges, school officials. The list goes on ad infinitum.

I've spent 50 years on the planet. Half of that has been spent with her. And during this entire time, I've managed to stay clear of trouble and lead a fairly productive life. I've been a father, husband, brother, son and a freind.

Today, I stand only as an accused. Every aspect of my former life has been taken from me. There is nothing left remaining.

For the first time in my 50 years, I have been dragged out in handcuffs from two of my homes, never to see my belongings inside them, ever again. Arrested. Jailed. Charged as a criminal. Fired from my job and unable to pass the required background check too get a new one. Dropped by my doctor. Investigated by the IRS. Border crossings now involve everything short of body cavity searches. My children have been taken away and is the source of the most unimaginable, intractable pain. I cannot tell them I love them. I cannot ask about them. I cannot ask you to say hello for me. I am now, only a potential criminal. A potential violator. One who you always, must be afraid of.

The only thing I can do, is show up for my Court appearances and listen carefully, and hear for the first time each month, all the new allegations. And with them, threats of new criminal charges that are always pending, but always fail to materialize. That my next arrest is imminent, maybe even right now, from inside the courtroom. This pattern repeats itself each month. In open court and in the presence of a notoriously biased judge. Who has yet to fail meting punitive actions against me in response.

This is the pattern for nearly the past 2 years of my life. The court and all associated personnel, have yet to take any action that might substantiate validity to any of her claims. I've been endlessly accused, month after month. Each time, the court whittles away just a little bit more from me. I have very little left for them to take.

[OutOfEgypt]

I like the explanation on the television show, Criminal Minds.  It went something like this:

"This person may have what is known as Borderline Personality Disorder.  Basically, this means they believe all personal relationships revolve completely around them, and they are extremely sensitive to rejection."

I laughed out loud when I heard it.  Perfect.

A person with BPD is a person who lures you in with intensity and passion and then puts you in the position to fulfill all their needs (which are bottomless), defend their every cause, and be the custodian of their every mood... .to the point where you are to blame for all of it when you cannot live up to being better than God.  Oh, and they usually lie and cheat on you in their quest to find new supply and punish the hell out of you for "disappointing" them. 

Anything that insinuates any wavering in affection or attention, and anything that indicates a negative feeling toward them, is tantamount to full betrayal in their eyes.  You might as well have murdered their first-born.

I remember my ex wanted to know that I *liked* how her vagina smelled when she hadn't showered for about a week.  Early on in the relationship, I dared to be honest (and by honest, I mean I quietly indicated that it wasn't my favorite odor).  That was used against me for years.  Later, I was given the chance to repeat the "test", and I smiled and grinned with delight about the odor, just to avoid her flipping out and hating my guts even more.

[Mutt]

Whom are you trying to explain it to?

[GhostDad]

Whom are you trying to explain it to?

For new people I meet.

The subject of the past 25 years comes up from time to time.

I try not to discuss these issues with people but it's difficult sometimes not to.

There is simply no one left anymore of any of my previous associations.

I find that people, after hearing some of the things she's done to me, will have highly emotional reactions in response to the malevolence inflicted by her.

I'm really trying to heal right now. To forgive and just move forward. To live in peace with whatever life that remains for me.

Approaching this situation with the most empathetic point of view that is possible keeps me centered. All I can do now, is pray for healing. And perhaps reconciliation. Not for my marriage but perhaps she'll get to the point that she'll realize how destructive this has all been for her. It's apparent that the kids or me don't seem to factor into that right now. But perhaps she'll care enough about herself?

I can tell you honestly, I'm sometimes asked about suicidal thoughts. My response is that I'm pretty much already dead.

What other direction can there be for me, at this point? This has all really taken a toll on me. To the point that it's affected my health. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

[Mutt]

Whom are you trying to explain it to?

For new people I meet.

The subject of the past 25 years comes up from time to time.

I try not to discuss these issues with people but it's difficult sometimes not to.

There is simply no one left anymore of any of my previous associations.

It's best not to explain. The reason why is because much of the acting happens behind closed doors, often trying to explain said behavior that happens behind closed doors makes us look like the crazy ones. I suggest learning as much as you can to make sense of what happened and sharing with people here that have lived behind those closed doors.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I remember my ex wanted to know that I *liked* how her vagina smelled when she hadn't showered for about a week.  Early on in the relationship, I dared to be honest (and by honest, I mean I quietly indicated that it wasn't my favorite odor).  That was used against me for years.  Later, I was given the chance to repeat the "test", and I smiled and grinned with delight about the odor, just to avoid her flipping out and hating my guts even more.

This exact same scenario happened to me. Its weird because i as you went the honesty route at first and it was indeed used against me too. But later when she did ask again i gotta be honest i started to actually love the smell... i know it sounds weird but its definitely something thats now stored in my olfactory senses and is a major element in arousal for me. Maybe its an association to her and the awesome sex and eventually my brain just triggered a neural pathway to be formed between the two factors.

[GhostDad]

I remember my ex wanted to know that I *liked* how her vagina smelled when she hadn't showered for about a week.  Early on in the relationship, I dared to be honest (and by honest, I mean I quietly indicated that it wasn't my favorite odor).  That was used against me for years.  Later, I was given the chance to repeat the "test", and I smiled and grinned with delight about the odor, just to avoid her flipping out and hating my guts even more.

This exact same scenario happened to me. Its weird because i as you went the honesty route at first and it was indeed used against me too. But later when she did ask again i gotta be honest i started to actually love the smell... i know it sounds weird but its definitely something thats now stored in my olfactory senses and is a major element in arousal for me. Maybe its an association to her and the awesome sex and eventually my brain just triggered a neural pathway to be formed between the two factors.

Yep. Definitely Pavlovian.

I couldn't get used to it though.

[peiper]

I've had the very same thing happen to me. False charges, court and completely vilified. I tried trying to explain what happened and found its not worth the time. The big thing now is for me to stay in a place of thanks that she is gone and I'm free.