It Just Keeps Getting Crazier

[captainp]

I only dated this girl for 4 months, and after reading your stories I'm realizing that I dodged a serious bullet.  The girl I dated had been horribly sexually assaulted, and my compassion and empathy for her was what made me stick around and try to make things work. 

I won't go into the details of our relationship, but she exhibited almost all of the symptoms of BPD. 

At the end of our relationship, after spending several nights watching her struggle with nightmares, I gently suggested that she might benefit from some sort of trauma therapy.  She broke up with me the next day. 

Then she started sending me accusatory emails that were basically saying, "You did this, this, this and this!  Don't write me back!"  So, I wrote her back and explained that she couldn't accuse me of things I didn't do and then tell me not to respond. 

She wrote back accusing me of more fictitious nonsense, and again telling me not to write back or she would go to the police and file a report.  She ordered me to drop of "her stuff" at a neutral location.  So I did as requesting, dropping her stuff off with a short note telling her that I had no hard feelings towards her, and that I would be her happily come back into her life and support her if she decided to speak to a counsellor. 

A week went by and I got a text from her:  "Go ___ Yourself."

Stupidly, I responded and asked what I did wrong.  She went on a long diatribe about how she didn't need counselling, and then dared me to tell her why I think our relationship soured.  So I told her.  Politely, but matter-of-factly.  Then she started in on the name calling.  At which point, I told her that I was done and asked her to stop messaging me. 

She told me that she wanted me to stop messaging her, and had threatened to go to the cops "but that didn't work."  Then she started name-calling. 

I told her that I had always been kind to her and asked her to stop. 

She replied with, "No."

I said, "Thanks for being an adult about this. *eyeroll*" and stopped messaging her. 

Today I got a phone call from the police.  She had called them and said that I was harassing her by phone, email, and text.  I could not believe it. 

I told them my side of the story, and luckily, a few weeks ago I had been talking to (and emailing) my aunt about how to get away from this girl.  My aunt called them and informed them of this.  The cops informed me that neither of us are allowed to contact each other, and that the file was closed, but that it would remain on record. 

This literally just happened, and I'm a bit shocked over it.

I had no plans to contact her anyway, but I am shocked that she would take it to this level.  I thought I was free from this situation over a week ago, and then she sent me the "Go ___ Yourself" texts.  I really did not deserve this.  I treated this girl really well. 

Wow.  Just mind boggling. 

[tired-of-it-all]

I suppose this goes without saying but do not respond to her in any way.  Keep a record (date, time, and photo) of any attempted contact from her.  Beyond that, ignore her and count yourself lucky.  Most of us did not come out so well.

[captainp]

Yeah, I am definitely not going to respond to any of her texts.  This girl is seriously scaring the you-know-what out of me.  I've debated blocking her phone number, but I also want to leave it unblocked because I want a record if she ever tries to contact me again. 

If she does try to contact me, I want something I can immediately take to the police. 

[fromheeltoheal]

My first thought is the sexual assault was a lie to gain your compassion and empathy, affect an attachment in borderline terms, which it did, but when you suggested the trauma therapy, her lie spun the wrong way, it wasn't supposed to be about her, it was supposed to be about your compassion and empathy, and there's no way a borderline will consider the possibility that something is wrong with them, or you bringing it up confirmed her suspicions about herself, and going there would make the whole house of cards collapse.  So you have to be the bad guy, all the shame needs to be dumped on you, it's the only way to survive when you're wired like that.  So much easier said than done, but don't take it personally, it wasn't about you.

[captainp]

I believe that her sexual assault story was true.  However, I also believe she has BPD on top of the PTSD she is suffering from as a result of her rape.

She had many sexual triggers -- I could never touch her face, for example.  She would often freeze up during sex (or sexual touching).  Her story had too many details to be totally made up:

She told me that a man who claimed to be "a shaman" had drugged her at a club with some sort of paralytic.  She was awake and conscious during the entire rape (which lasted for hours), she just couldn't move or scream. 

Anyway, I did everything I could think of to make her feel safe and special.  I took her out to nice restaurants.  Bought her clothes and groceries.  Flew a distance of 5000 miles to hang out with her for a week because she was lonely at work.  Helped with the chores around her apartment. 

Nothing I did helped her to be less stressed out.  Then she started blaming me for all of the problems in her life -- even things that I had nothing to do with and couldn't conceivably bear any responsibility for.  She was the most controlling woman I had ever been with -- and her rules kept changing.

First, I wasn't allowed to ask for or even hint that I wanted sex.  She had to initiate everything.  Then I wasn't allowed to give her "a look" that she interpreted as sexual in nature (though she wouldn't explain what "look" I was giving her).  Then I wasn't allowed to moan while she was going down on me in the shower.  Then I wasn't allowed to look at her naked in the bathtub anymore (when we first started dating she was always eager to have me watch her shower).

Once she was pleasuring me on her bed, then noticed that I had changed her cat litter "before she was ready" and then stopped all sexual activity and wouldn't touch me.  I had no idea what I had done wrong, and couldn't say anything about it because of her past history with sexual abuse. 

Anyway, I tried to be supportive and not be the type of guy who would give up on someone just because they've got some problems -- but this was way too much.  I had to get out of this relationship.  I finally thought I was out of this relationship for good, and then I got a phone call from the police today. 

I agree that she is dumping all of that shame on me and making me out to be the bad guy.  If I'm not the bad guy, then she had to consider the fact that I'm right about her needing therapy.  I don't think she can handle that. 

[Pingo]

Captainp, do you have an android phone?  I downloaded a free app which blocks texts and you can set it up to send a message back saying their text was blocked but you still get notified and it records what they said in their text.  I waited for 5 mths and almost removed the app because I didn't think I'd hear from him again but low and behold I woke up the other morning with a notification saying there was a blocked text... .from him!

[captainp]

No android phone here. 

I am in the middle of drafting an email to the police with screenshots of our last text conversation attached -- to document the crazy -- so to speak.  I feel that I need to do this to protect myself.  Any thoughts?

[anxiety5]

Yeah, I am definitely not going to respond to any of her texts.  This girl is seriously scaring the you-know-what out of me.  I've debated blocking her phone number, but I also want to leave it unblocked because I want a record if she ever tries to contact me again. 

If she does try to contact me, I want something I can immediately take to the police. 

You can go on your carrier's website and change your phone number in 10 seconds flat, free of charge. I realize this may be an inconvenience to your friends and family but hey, part of breaking free is FINALLY putting yourself first. Do it. She won't ever be able to get ahold of you if she doesn't have your number. And if she ever does start texting you again, what better evidence is needed than the fact that you changed your number to get away, and she stalked you out. 

As far as your relationship, these people are like Tiger's. You may empathize with them and want to help them, but if you get to close, they will bite your head off and eat you alive. The fact a forum exists means they are THAT predictable. The fact they are THAT predictable means it's a disease much like the symptoms of the flu are easily identified. If your best friend lost his home his wife, his kids, his job, and ended up alone under a bridge each one of these things would hurt you terribly as a good friend. But suppose I tell you he's a drug addict. Now you see they are nothing more than the effects of his disease. That's what drug addicts do, they lose everything. This does not make his plight less tragic, but what it does is absolves you of the guilt, for his plight was nothing more than a series of very predictable actions because of his illness of addiction.

Try to view her condition much the same and you'll see that you are not wrong, you are not bad and you are not to blame or feel guilt. She's sick. Her behavior is predictable and there is nothing you could have done to change your eventually devaluation and abandonment. This is who they are, and therefore there is no reason whatsoever for you to internalize it.

[captainp]

I've decided not to block her so that I'll have proof if she texts me again.  

I suppose it's futile to try and make sense of her condition, but I just don't understand why she had to take it so far.  I was done with this situation for more than a week.  

I just emailed screenshots of our last text conversation to the police in order to prove that she was the one who contacted me.  I don't know why she'd contact me, and then go to the cops claiming harassment -- when she must have known that I could easily prove that she wasn't being honest.  


Is it so she can claim that she "had to call the cops on me" when talking about our relationship?

Was it just a revenge thing?

Is it a psychological push to convince herself that I'm the bad guy, so she doesn't have to consider my advice about therapy?

Or so she can feel like the victim?

Did she feel she had to do something so hurtful, that it guarantees I'll never want to talk to her again?


I just don't understand her motivations for going to the police.  I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with her, and wasn't going to contact her again, so she couldn't have had a legitimate concern about me.  

[Infared]

I've decided not to block her so that I'll have proof if she texts me again.  

I suppose it's futile to try and make sense of her condition, but I just don't understand why she had to take it so far.  I was done with this situation for more than a week.  

I just emailed screenshots of our last text conversation to the police in order to prove that she was the one who contacted me.  I don't know why she'd contact me, and then go to the cops claiming harassment -- when she must have known that I could easily prove that she wasn't being honest.  


Is it so she can claim that she "had to call the cops on me" when talking about our relationship?

Was it just a revenge thing?

Is it a psychological push to convince herself that I'm the bad guy, so she doesn't have to consider my advice about therapy?

Or so she can feel like the victim?

Did she feel she had to do something so hurtful, that it guarantees I'll never want to talk to her again?


I just don't understand her motivations for going to the police.  I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with her, and wasn't going to contact her again, so she couldn't have had a legitimate concern about me.  

The whole situation (in her diluted world), makes her a victim, makes you the bad guy and gives her control. it's all about TOTAL control.

You have been a nice guy long enough.

Get serious. Change your phone number. Take care of you. Straight up.

Pray for her... .and move forward.

Drama ends.  

[Butterfly44]

pwBPD seem to think nothing of calling the police. They seem to have no concept of what the police are actually there for and use it as a means to hurt or retaliate more than anything. Mine went so far as to actually get me falsely arrested and over an hour after the argument we were having had subsided. I was on the sofa trying to sleep when she called them. She accused me of not only one but two counts of assault and then left me. I haven't heard from her since.

You were really lucky you only had this for four months and you've had the strength to walk away from her. Don't respond to anything and never go back and you'll be just fine. 

[captainp]

I am totally moving on from this situation.  When we broke up, I actually felt good about it.  I started feeling my "energy" coming back almost immediately.  I had totally moved on from this situation until this new drama happened today -- but now I can't stop myself from analyzing it in order to make some sort of sense of it.

My gf displayed all 4 subtypes of BPD.  She mostly switched back and forth from Waif to Queen, with a little bit of Hermit at times -- but near the end of our relationship, I started seeing her Witch side.  I am seeing a lot of it now.  She is in full-on hater phase with me now.  

It's weird because it wasn't even a month ago that she was telling me how safe I made her feel.  I'm not angry or upset by her actions -- she's emotionally ill.  I just feel all Twilight Zone-y.  Like, "How did I get here?"

[Pingo]

Captainp, we can all relate, you can try to analyse it all you want but you'll never make sense of it.  That was the hardest part for me.  Just letting it go.  But easier said than done when she is involving the police!  Lay low and I hope it blows over.  Mine was a paranoid conspiracist who had guns so he was real sketchy about the police knowing anything about him, this saved my hide I'm sure.  The last big rage he had he grabbed me by the arm and tried to toss me out of the bed.  It was the first real physical thing he'd done (outside of throwing my stuff, blocking my way, 'play' fighting) and I threatened to call the police.  His response?  He'd tell them it was mutual!  As if!  So insane.  At least it stopped him.

[captainp]

My exBPDgf is currently running a distortion campaign against me in all of my social circles and on social media in order to protect her self image.  She is really worried about people finding out she is emotionally unstable. 

I've been keeping my mouth shut, but she is saying awful things about me.  Should I tell people my side?  Or just shut up?

[letmeout]

The unbelievable smear campaign; it sucks and my ex is still at it. I don't spend time defending myself or worrying about it. The people who know me, knows my ex is lying, and the people that believe him are being fooled. 

Not my monkeys, not my circus (I love that saying!)