She has broken NC this morning

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Help!

We were only together a year or so.  All the classic patterns - emotional outbursts, push pull etc. The one thing I think that kept me going was the great relationship I had with her little kids and their relationship to my kids.  It was wonderful.

Of course as my love for her deepened so did she get on the dating sites and eventually kicked me out for another.  Gut wrenching.

I went two months NC and she baited me saying the kids wanted to see me and it was a big mistake for her - to have left me for my replacement.  I agreed to meet up only with her and the kids - she was resistant but agreed only to cancel on the deal a couple of days later.  I assume because she had her claws back into my replacement. Bait and dump. Another gut wrench.

Her weekly texts and calls, which I had since ignored - had stopped and it has been I think two months since she last made contact and I have been at least three months NC.

I thought she had finally accepted the NC principle.  

This morning she phoned - I ignored. Then half an hour later a text. She said she only made contact because the kids want to see me and my kids again.  She said if I did not respond she would never contact me again and I should think hard about that.

I am assuming I am now painted white and my replacement is black and she is after validation.

I have deleted the texts and the call history - therefore I cannot contact her since I have not memorised her number.

I love her and this is so hard.  

I have to let go of this love - let it go for good.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Help!

We were only together a year or so.  All the classic patterns - emotional outbursts, push pull etc. The one thing I think that kept me going was the great relationship I had with her little kids and their relationship to my kids.  It was wonderful.

Of course as my love for her deepened so did she get on the dating sites and eventually kicked me out for another.  Gut wrenching.

I went two months NC and she baited me saying the kids wanted to see me and it was a big mistake for her - to have left me for my replacement.  I agreed to meet up only with her and the kids - she was resistant but agreed only to cancel on the deal a couple of days later.  I assume because she had her claws back into my replacement. Bait and dump. Another gut wrench.

Her weekly texts and calls, which I had since ignored - had stopped and it has been I think two months since she last made contact and I have been at least three months NC.

I thought she had finally accepted the NC principle.  

This morning she phoned - I ignored. Then half an hour later a text. She said she only made contact because the kids want to see me and my kids again.  She said if I did not respond she would never contact me again and I should think hard about that.

I am assuming I am now painted white and my replacement is black and she is after validation.

I have deleted the texts and the call history - therefore I cannot contact her since I have not memorised her number.

I love her and this is so hard.  

I have to let go of this love - let it go for good.

[Aussie JJ]

I think what your doing is admiarble.  Your acknowledging what is going on and how hard it is.  Your lookign after yourself and admiting your struggling. 

I had my ex the last 3 times I have seen her go through the following. 

cry uncontrollably.

raise her bvoice agressivly. 

Not respond, compleatly mute. 

I cant control what she does only what I do.  You cant control her only yourself.  Invest this pain that your feeling in your kids.  Go out, do something for them, do something with them.  It hurt, it kills.  Others dont understand however it will get better and worse depending on how your going on that day.  All you can do now is invest in your kids and yourself. 

She has to invest in her self, you cant save her mate. 

Sorry to tell you what you already seem to understand.  Being told this myself again has hurt at times however re-enforced that I am doing the correct thing.   What your doign is the correct thing for yoruself and for your kids. 

Mutt posts a great Winston Churchill quote sometimes that I have sort of stolen from him. 

If your going through hell you keep going. 

It's bloody painful, keep going and you will get out of this hell. 


AJJ. 

[guy4caligirl]

Help!

We were only together a year or so.  All the classic patterns - emotional outbursts, push pull etc. The one thing I think that kept me going was the great relationship I had with her little kids and their relationship to my kids.  It was wonderful.

Of course as my love for her deepened so did she get on the dating sites and eventually kicked me out for another.  Gut wrenching.

I went two months NC and she baited me saying the kids wanted to see me and it was a big mistake for her - to have left me for my replacement.  I agreed to meet up only with her and the kids - she was resistant but agreed only to cancel on the deal a couple of days later.  I assume because she had her claws back into my replacement. Bait and dump. Another gut wrench.

Her weekly texts and calls, which I had since ignored - had stopped and it has been I think two months since she last made contact and I have been at least three months NC.

I thought she had finally accepted the NC principle.  

This morning she phoned - I ignored. Then half an hour later a text. She said she only made contact because the kids want to see me and my kids again.  She said if I did not respond she would never contact me again and I should think hard about that.

I am assuming I am now painted white and my replacement is black and she is after validation.

I have deleted the texts and the call history - therefore I cannot contact her since I have not memorised her number.

I love her and this is so hard.  

I have to let go of this love - let it go for good.

I feel with you and it's a hard thing to do , it's the worth feeling ever when it comes to someone that can't level and live for the moment ,do you wait till that moment she changes her mind   what's the chance  of her changing her mind again highs and lows?

[Blimblam]

You seem like you are aware of the pattern and are making wise choices.  The push pull rollercoaster of madness is painfull and even though you have decided to get off it seems it still went on in my mind for sometime. My ex made some attempts to see me again and in my situation reinforced she would continue to hurt me untill I had trully let go of the attachment.

I'm sorry your going through this but seems like you are coming out the other side of the fog.  Keep going!

[Deeno02]

I cant speak on any experience  as mine has not bothered me in over 2 months since break up (thank god). However, i feel your doing the right thing. Stay NC and stay away... .

[Raybo48]

Deleting the contact info like you did was no easy thing, and it speaks for your progress.  I absolutely think you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel the least bit guilty for it.  What she told you at the end about "thinking hard about it" was a blatant manipulation tactic and you didn't bite.  You are the better for it!

[GuiltHaunted]

My guess?

It's not over. Expect an angry rant and all sorts of accusations, for not replying. Probably with a load of projection, how you moved on too fast, never loved her, probably is with a new one etc... .

Is it possible for you to block her completely, to save yourself from being at the receiving end of that?

My ex did this to me and it hurts like hell and the urge to defend yourself and prove her wrong is overwhelming. (That you DID love her, that you didn't move on, that you are not with someone else). It's a mega guilt trip and difficult not to fall into it, hence my user name.

[camuse]

Well done, you did the right thing and it can't have been easy.

You are lucky not to know the number, I can't seem to erase mine from my mind, even after months! Yet I can't remember my bank PIN 

Congratulations, but stay strong - you know what she's up to and you know she is likely not to give up easily.

[fred6]

I think what your doing is admiarble.  Your acknowledging what is going on and how hard it is.  Your lookign after yourself and admiting your struggling. 

I had my ex the last 3 times I have seen her go through the following. 

cry uncontrollably.

raise her bvoice agressivly. 

Not respond, compleatly mute. 

I cant control what she does only what I do.  You cant control her only yourself.  Invest this pain that your feeling in your kids.  Go out, do something for them, do something with them.  It hurt, it kills.  Others dont understand however it will get better and worse depending on how your going on that day.  All you can do now is invest in your kids and yourself. 

She has to invest in her self, you cant save her mate. 

Sorry to tell you what you already seem to understand.  Being told this myself again has hurt at times however re-enforced that I am doing the correct thing.   What your doign is the correct thing for yoruself and for your kids. 

Mutt posts a great Winston Churchill quote sometimes that I have sort of stolen from him. 

If your going through hell you keep going. 

It's bloody painful, keep going and you will get out of this hell. 


AJJ. 

I agree with Aussie and the other posters. I know that when kids are involved it makes it extra hard. She's using the kids to get attention from you. If it was truly about them, then you would have been seeing them all along.

I haven't seen my ex's kids since I left 2 months ago. I do miss my ex, but I'd rather see the kids and that damn cat over her at this point. I know that's not going to happen though. Anyhow, I think that NC is the best thing to do in this situation. You have to detach from her and her kids.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I think what your doing is admiarble.  Your acknowledging what is going on and how hard it is.  Your lookign after yourself and admiting your struggling. 

I had my ex the last 3 times I have seen her go through the following. 

cry uncontrollably.

raise her bvoice agressivly. 

Not respond, compleatly mute. 

I cant control what she does only what I do.  You cant control her only yourself.  Invest this pain that your feeling in your kids.  Go out, do something for them, do something with them.  It hurt, it kills.  Others dont understand however it will get better and worse depending on how your going on that day.  All you can do now is invest in your kids and yourself. 

She has to invest in her self, you cant save her mate. 

Sorry to tell you what you already seem to understand.  Being told this myself again has hurt at times however re-enforced that I am doing the correct thing.   What your doign is the correct thing for yoruself and for your kids. 

Mutt posts a great Winston Churchill quote sometimes that I have sort of stolen from him. 

If your going through hell you keep going. 

It's bloody painful, keep going and you will get out of this hell. 


AJJ. 

Thank you for your wise reply JJ.  Your words kept me strong and today I am very thankful for them.  I did not break  NC and this was indeed the correct thing.  If I had broken NC I would have submitted once more to the disorder.  I love the lady - not the disorder.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Help!

We were only together a year or so.  All the classic patterns - emotional outbursts, push pull etc. The one thing I think that kept me going was the great relationship I had with her little kids and their relationship to my kids.  It was wonderful.

Of course as my love for her deepened so did she get on the dating sites and eventually kicked me out for another.  Gut wrenching.

I went two months NC and she baited me saying the kids wanted to see me and it was a big mistake for her - to have left me for my replacement.  I agreed to meet up only with her and the kids - she was resistant but agreed only to cancel on the deal a couple of days later.  I assume because she had her claws back into my replacement. Bait and dump. Another gut wrench.

Her weekly texts and calls, which I had since ignored - had stopped and it has been I think two months since she last made contact and I have been at least three months NC.

I thought she had finally accepted the NC principle.  

This morning she phoned - I ignored. Then half an hour later a text. She said she only made contact because the kids want to see me and my kids again.  She said if I did not respond she would never contact me again and I should think hard about that.

I am assuming I am now painted white and my replacement is black and she is after validation.

I have deleted the texts and the call history - therefore I cannot contact her since I have not memorised her number.

I love her and this is so hard.  

I have to let go of this love - let it go for good.

I feel with you and it's a hard thing to do , it's the worth feeling ever when it comes to someone that can't level and live for the moment ,do you wait till that moment she changes her mind   what's the chance  of her changing her mind again highs and lows?

Thank you guy4caligirl -  I have accepted that things will never change. She is very intelligent and this gives her the ability to reason herself out of her crazy patterns of behaviour.  There is no hope.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

You seem like you are aware of the pattern and are making wise choices.  The push pull rollercoaster of madness is painfull and even though you have decided to get off it seems it still went on in my mind for sometime. My ex made some attempts to see me again and in my situation reinforced she would continue to hurt me untill I had trully let go of the attachment.

I'm sorry your going through this but seems like you are coming out the other side of the fog.  Keep going!

Yes indeed I will keep going - and thank you Blimbam.  It is madness.  I am now out of it but I will expect more from her even though she has promised never to contact me again. It is all so sad.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Deleting the contact info like you did was no easy thing, and it speaks for your progress.  I absolutely think you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel the least bit guilty for it.  What she told you at the end about "thinking hard about it" was a blatant manipulation tactic and you didn't bite.  You are the better for it!

Yes it was blatant manipulation and when I read it I thought as much. This sort of kicked me into my stubbornness - and actually helped me with  my resolve not to respond.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My guess?

It's not over. Expect an angry rant and all sorts of accusations, for not replying. Probably with a load of projection, how you moved on too fast, never loved her, probably is with a new one etc... .

Is it possible for you to block her completely, to save yourself from being at the receiving end of that?

My ex did this to me and it hurts like hell and the urge to defend yourself and prove her wrong is overwhelming. (That you DID love her, that you didn't move on, that you are not with someone else). It's a mega guilt trip and difficult not to fall into it, hence my user name.

I am fighting the guilt - and it helps to understand that her disorder destroyed all the good in our relationship.

The only way I can completely block her is to change my phone number and this is a lot of hassle.  My strategy of deleting all her texts and calls is working so can stick to this.  Thank you for your advice Guilthaunted.  I am grateful to your post and to all the posts - this is the most difficult break up I have ever had to endure.  Abused and cheated on and never any closure.  Such a cruel disorder.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I think what your doing is admiarble.  Your acknowledging what is going on and how hard it is.  Your lookign after yourself and admiting your struggling. 

I had my ex the last 3 times I have seen her go through the following. 

cry uncontrollably.

raise her bvoice agressivly. 

Not respond, compleatly mute. 

I cant control what she does only what I do.  You cant control her only yourself.  Invest this pain that your feeling in your kids.  Go out, do something for them, do something with them.  It hurt, it kills.  Others dont understand however it will get better and worse depending on how your going on that day.  All you can do now is invest in your kids and yourself. 

She has to invest in her self, you cant save her mate. 

Sorry to tell you what you already seem to understand.  Being told this myself again has hurt at times however re-enforced that I am doing the correct thing.   What your doign is the correct thing for yoruself and for your kids. 

Mutt posts a great Winston Churchill quote sometimes that I have sort of stolen from him. 

If your going through hell you keep going. 

It's bloody painful, keep going and you will get out of this hell. 


AJJ. 

I agree with Aussie and the other posters. I know that when kids are involved it makes it extra hard. She's using the kids to get attention from you. If it was truly about them, then you would have been seeing them all along.

I haven't seen my ex's kids since I left 2 months ago. I do miss my ex, but I'd rather see the kids and that damn cat over her at this point. I know that's not going to happen though. Anyhow, I think that NC is the best thing to do in this situation. You have to detach from her and her kids.

Exactly - if it was about the kids she would have allowed my kids and her kids to remain in contact.  On the contrary I believe she lied to her kids - placing me as the cause of the breakup.  I believe this because she did not allow me to say goodbye to them.  It was like one week she loved me - the next week she loved another and I was thrown in the bin as if I was litter. How can they treat us like this when all we did was fall in love with them?  We just wanted to make them happy.  Why do they seek chaos when peace and happiness is there if only they could embrace it?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I cant speak on any experience  as mine has not bothered me in over 2 months since break up (thank god). However, i feel your doing the right thing. Stay NC and stay away... .

Yes Deeno you are correct.  In the absence of closure NC seems to be the only way out of this dream turned ugly. The alternative would be another episode of bait and dump.  Yet more heartache.

[Infared]

I cant speak on any experience  as mine has not bothered me in over 2 months since break up (thank god). However, i feel your doing the right thing. Stay NC and stay away... .

Yes Deeno you are correct.  In the absence of closure NC seems to be the only way out of this dream turned ugly. The alternative would be another episode of bait and dump.  Yet more heartache.

Mr. Confused... .you are doing everything correctly... .even though it is extremely painful and confusing. You are also protecting your children and hers by going NC.

These relationships are confounding... .the hardest part is that we have to create our own closure, by ourselves with most people around us not understanding what we are going through. Unfortunately you have to live it to understand.  I would not wish that on anyone.

Keep up the steady-eddy moving forward... .you see it all and are making great choices.