Dating... and worried

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Any advice? ... .Have been dating for a while... .but having difficulty finding someone I feel an emotional/physical connection with since break up with exBPDbf... .am I altered in some way by the BPD experience? ... .am I doomed to fail to find a deep emotional/physical connection with someone who is healthy?

[Harlygirl]

Any advice? ... .Have been dating for a while... .but having difficulty finding someone I feel an emotional/physical connection with since break up with exBPDbf... .am I altered in some way by the BPD experience? ... .am I doomed to fail to find a deep emotional/physical connection with someone who is healthy?

[whtjusthappened]

I don't have any advice for you really, as I am just getting over a very painful break up from what was mostly a beautiful ten year relationship, until my bf flipped into a BPD nightmare with a 9 month push pull back and forth, after he lied and cheated for months.  I can't even imagine dating anyone, or loving anyone the way I did him.  I feel you, but it's encouraging that you are at least in the dating game, and putting yourself out there.  That's a big step.  What makes you think that you need BPD insanity to be happy?  For me, BPD sneaked up on me.  His behavior was fine for years, before certain changes and stressors brought out what had only been hinted at over the years.  You will be smarter now, and you need to give yourself time to feel things out in your new life.   Are you in therapy? You have to explore what you might be unconsciously looking for that would cause you to seek out another PD individual.

[camuse]

My advice is, take each day at a time - as far as possible, don't look back, don't look forwards, try not to make comparisons but be clear with yourself about your boundaries going in and ensure they are maintained by you; be alert for red flags and listen to your gut. Keep your head and look after your own needs above all else.  It's a minefield - there are a LOT of cluster b types out there looking for victims, so be open minded but on alert. Do not make ANY assumptions or decisions for 2 months, just enjoy. If you make it 2 months, be cautious and ready to leave for another 2 months, then keep your guard up for another 2. If 6 months pass and there have genuinely been no red flags, you are likely ok to let yourself become a little vulnerable - no BPD can keep the act up that long.

Just my view

[Deeno02]

I dont know. I was so verbally abused by her comments of Im unlovable, im emotionless, im incapable of love, that im afraid to ask anyone out. What if I am? Im scared and scarred by this woman I gave my heart to, who stomped it into pieces. Its going to be awhile.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I am so messed up from the lying and manipulation that I really believe I can't ever trust what someone says to me from this point onward.

I don't want to bring baggage to a potential female non, if i could even tell anymore.

I've been re-wired to believe everyone is a liar, cheat and out for themselves.

[Pingo]

I am so messed up from the lying and manipulation that I really believe I can't ever trust what someone says to me from this point onward.

I don't want to bring baggage to a potential female non, if i could even tell anymore.

I've been re-wired to believe everyone is a liar, cheat and out for themselves.

I sometimes feel this way as well, my d20 keeps asking me how I'll ever trust again?  I don't know.  But I do believe deep down that people are inherently good so I hope that it's possible. 

I dont know. I was so verbally abused by her comments of Im unlovable, im emotionless, im incapable of love, that im afraid to ask anyone out. What if I am? Im scared and scarred by this woman I gave my heart to, who stomped it into pieces. Its going to be awhile.

Deeno, look for an example in your life where you HAVE been lovable, full of emotion and loving.  I'm almost certain you possess those qualities.  When people like our exes have torn down our sense of who we are we have to go search for it.  Don't let her projections define you.  I've seen you criticise yourself because of your tats, scars, etc... .I know many women who love those things, good women!  That doesn't define you!  You do!

Any advice? ... .Have been dating for a while... .but having difficulty finding someone I feel an emotional/physical connection with since break up with exBPDbf... .am I altered in some way by the BPD experience? ... .am I doomed to fail to find a deep emotional/physical connection with someone who is healthy?

Give it time Harlygirl, I think you are brave for getting out there and trying.  Chalk it up to being really particular about what you want, you're not settling for anything less! 

[Deeno02]

I am so messed up from the lying and manipulation that I really believe I can't ever trust what someone says to me from this point onward.

I don't want to bring baggage to a potential female non, if i could even tell anymore.

I've been re-wired to believe everyone is a liar, cheat and out for themselves.

I sometimes feel this way as well, my d20 keeps asking me how I'll ever trust again?  I don't know.  But I do believe deep down that people are inherently good so I hope that it's possible. 

I dont know. I was so verbally abused by her comments of Im unlovable, im emotionless, im incapable of love, that im afraid to ask anyone out. What if I am? Im scared and scarred by this woman I gave my heart to, who stomped it into pieces. Its going to be awhile.

Deeno, look for an example in your life where you HAVE been lovable, full of emotion and loving.  I'm almost certain you possess those qualities.  When people like our exes have torn down our sense of who we are we have to go search for it.  Don't let her projections define you.  I've seen you criticise yourself because of your tats, scars, etc... .I know many women who love those things, good women!  That doesn't define you!  You do!

Any advice? ... .Have been dating for a while... .but having difficulty finding someone I feel an emotional/physical connection with since break up with exBPDbf... .am I altered in some way by the BPD experience? ... .am I doomed to fail to find a deep emotional/physical connection with someone who is healthy?

Give it time Harlygirl, I think you are brave for getting out there and trying.  Chalk it up to being really particular about what you want, you're not settling for anything less! 

Pingo, she knows damn well I was capable of love and all that rest of the stuff she said. All she needs to do is look how I treated her and her kids. It hurts she would say that because I couldnt keep up with her horrible demands and chaotic schedule. I did what I could. My tattoos and military service Im sure embarassed her because i wasnt part of her old ritzy friends like her and her ex husband were. Who would want to be seen with a guy like me? Guess thats why I didnt get much exposure to her friends in our 16 months together. Hope the new guy is good enough for her. Sure as hell looks nothing like me. At least I have hair.

[Pingo]

Pingo, she knows damn well I was capable of love and all that rest of the stuff she said. All she needs to do is look how I treated her and her kids. It hurts she would say that because I couldnt keep up with her horrible demands and chaotic schedule. I did what I could. My tattoos and military service Im sure embarassed her because i wasnt part of her old ritzy friends like her and her ex husband were. Who would want to be seen with a guy like me? Guess thats why I didnt get much exposure to her friends in our 16 months together. Hope the new guy is good enough for her. Sure as hell looks nothing like me. At least I have hair.

Hmmm who would want a guy who served for his country in the military?  LOTS of women!  Those scars you have, you've earned every one of them and remember that!  None of us could keep up with pleasing our exes!  That is the disorder, an empty pit of need.  Not even a saint could do it!

[Deeno02]

Pingo, she knows damn well I was capable of love and all that rest of the stuff she said. All she needs to do is look how I treated her and her kids. It hurts she would say that because I couldnt keep up with her horrible demands and chaotic schedule. I did what I could. My tattoos and military service Im sure embarassed her because i wasnt part of her old ritzy friends like her and her ex husband were. Who would want to be seen with a guy like me? Guess thats why I didnt get much exposure to her friends in our 16 months together. Hope the new guy is good enough for her. Sure as hell looks nothing like me. At least I have hair.

Hmmm who would want a guy who served for his country in the military?  LOTS of women!  Those scars you have, you've earned every one of them and remember that!  None of us could keep up with pleasing our exes!  That is the disorder, an empty pit of need.  Not even a saint could do it!

I know Pingo. Im jusf so shocked by her conduct. I own what my part was in the r/s but jeez, and calling my daughter  a cock block. Who does that? WOW, what did i get myself into?