"Good Riddance" Letter keeps mutating into "I Miss You" letter

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When my gf broke up with me for the nth time on Sept 1, we exchanged emails. Hers was odd and business-like and never really explained anything. I sat on it for a week and wrote back something that essentially said, "I understand, it sounds like you're confused. I see you struggling with problems, but that is your journey. If you ever change your mind, you know where I'll be."

It was a completely neutered email. I tried then, as now, to write how I really felt about being screwed over. But I repressed the anger because I didn't want to ruin my chances, even though she'd hurt me. Of course, I never heard back after that Sept 1 email and I have no idea what she's doing now.

This week is the 1-year anniversary of us getting together. The memories of that honeymoon phase has been excruciating. My therapist has urged me to write that angry letter, but don't necessarily send it. So I have tried that for a week and it keeps mutating into me saying, "I don't know what happened, we were good together, I miss you", etc. But I know this was a serious waif who was in no way equipped to have a stable relationship for very long.

So yeah. Anyone else tried / failed / succeeded to write that letter that gets everything off your chest?

[divinehammer]

When my gf broke up with me for the nth time on Sept 1, we exchanged emails. Hers was odd and business-like and never really explained anything. I sat on it for a week and wrote back something that essentially said, "I understand, it sounds like you're confused. I see you struggling with problems, but that is your journey. If you ever change your mind, you know where I'll be."

It was a completely neutered email. I tried then, as now, to write how I really felt about being screwed over. But I repressed the anger because I didn't want to ruin my chances, even though she'd hurt me. Of course, I never heard back after that Sept 1 email and I have no idea what she's doing now.

This week is the 1-year anniversary of us getting together. The memories of that honeymoon phase has been excruciating. My therapist has urged me to write that angry letter, but don't necessarily send it. So I have tried that for a week and it keeps mutating into me saying, "I don't know what happened, we were good together, I miss you", etc. But I know this was a serious waif who was in no way equipped to have a stable relationship for very long.

So yeah. Anyone else tried / failed / succeeded to write that letter that gets everything off your chest?

[vortex of confusion]

I've journaled, written letters, written poems, written blog posts and a whole host of different things trying to get it all out. For me, there is just so much that it never feels quite right. You could always do what many of us have done and write whatever comes to mind even if it includes the "I miss you" part and then post it here for feedback. Let people commiserate, ask questions, or offer words of wisdom. Maybe discussing it with others that have been where you are will help you to get those feelings out.

[Mutt]

Vortex of Confusion makes a good point. Write whatever comes to mind even if it's not necessarily anger. Don't feel bad. How I wrote things out is here on the boards. I'm slowly dumping emotional baggage here on the site. Whenever I had an urge I just wrote here. I hope that helps.

If the one year anniversary has you triggered. Write those feelings down. I think what's important are true feelings. Don't force yourself if that's not how you feel. Anger and grieving is a stage on it's own. It comes and sometimes you cycle through it more than once.

[divinehammer]

Thanks guys. I think if I posted what I've been writing, I might get torn to shreds for how obviously my pathetic / addictive mentality seems to be losing to the coping / moving-forward mentality.   It's a daily battle.

[Mutt]

Thanks guys. I think if I posted what I've been writing, I might get torn to shreds for how obviously my pathetic / addictive mentality seems to be losing to the coping / moving-forward mentality.   It's a daily battle.

I'm sorry if it's difficult and I don't think it's pathetic. This is healing and it's daily yes. Don't beat yourself up.

[CareTaker]

I might get torn to shreds for how obviously my pathetic / addictive mentality seems to be losing to the coping

Nothing pathetic about your situation. We all been there. Writing on this forum has changed me completely. It is a place where I can let myself go, and say how I feel. Daily I am also dumping baggage, to the point where I can actually start living again.

Keep fighting that addiction, it does get better. And keep in mind it never had anything to do with love.

[divinehammer]

Writing on this forum has changed me completely. It is a place where I can let myself go, and say how I feel. Daily I am also dumping baggage, to the point where I can actually start living again.

Keep fighting that addiction, it does get better.

Discovering this forum has definitely been a blessing.

And keep in mind it never had anything to do with love.

That's what I'm trying to understand. I realize real Love means extending yourself selfishly for the other person once in a while, and that is definitely nothing she ever demonstrated, or seemed capable of. I think she really liked my mind and my sense of humor and we were really attracted to each other. But yeah, it probably wasn't true love because I was basically her secretary and father, not equal.

It hurt in her final email, saying, "I don't know why I want to break up. Maybe I just fell out of love with you." I wanted to tell her, "You have never been in love, with me or anyone else. Adult love requires empathy and maturity." It just made me sad for her.

[vortex of confusion]

That's what I'm trying to understand. I realize real Love means extending yourself selfishly for the other person once in a while, and that is definitely nothing she ever demonstrated, or seemed capable of. I think she really liked my mind and my sense of humor and we were really attracted to each other. But yeah, it probably wasn't true love because I was basically her secretary and father, not equal.

It hurt in her final email, saying, "I don't know why I want to break up. Maybe I just fell out of love with you." I wanted to tell her, "You have never been in love, with me or anyone else. Adult love requires empathy and maturity." It just made me sad for her.

Love isn't the be all end all. A person can have loving feelings without loving actions and vice versa. In my opinion, love in a long term relationship is a choice that requires daily nurturing. And, like you say, it requires maturity and empathy. A person that is stuck in childhood rarely has either.

I don't think you are pathetic at all. You should read some of the stories that have been posted. Lots of people have gotten sucked into doing and feeling all sorts of things. I know exactly how you feel when you say that you felt more like a father and a secretary. I have felt like a mother and a secretary. When I tried to share with one of our friends, I was told, "He just needs you to take care of him." Um, but in a real relationship, wouldn't it stand that he would take care of me in return? Doesn't happen. It is all very one sided and that wears on a person. If you want pathetic, I am still living with my husband even though all sorts of crazy stuff has happened. I am trying to work on me and find the inner strength to find a way to leave. It isn't easy! Don't be afraid to share because nobody here is going to think that you are pathetic. We all have our demons. We have all made questionable choices.

[Restored2]

Hi divinehammer.  I wrote "the letter" and mailed it via xpresspost having her sign for it.  I just wanted to have peace of mind in knowing that she personally received it.  My letter was very heartfelt, straight forward in letting her know how her actions hurt me, and was supportive with unconditional love.  I am glad that I followed through in mailing it to her, despite not hearing back from her yet... . My chest does feel much lighter from it too.