Our needs and the most basic of care

[Trog]

I haven't gone back to my exBPDw but made a real mistake this weekend in engaging with her and giving her another chance to hurt me. Unfortunately for me, this weekend I was assaulted and robbed and have been feeling very sorry for myself, all my support system is out of town this weekend so I've been alone to handle it. Thankfully support will arrive tomorrow.

My ex contacted me and looking and hoping for some kind words I told her what had happened to which she offered some initial support but in the end basically got told that I deserved what had happened to me and she then proceeded to talk utter nonsense, about herself and behaved like a spoilt child.

To anyone whose brain is addled enough (like mine was) to have forgotten all the painful times and the continued lack of support when you needed it from your partner, dont put yourself in the line of fire. Cuts and bruises and loss of money are one thing, but kicking you when you're down was something I got all the time from my exBPD, if they have ever done this to you, please cut them out, and im talking to myself here most of all. I need to totally cut this poisonous shadow of a woman out of my life. 

[Infern0]

I certainly agree,  looking to them for support just isn't a good idea.  I've made that mistake several times in the past and the stunning lack of empathy just made my skin crawl.

[tim_tom]

I certainly agree,  looking to them for support just isn't a good idea.  I've made that mistake several times in the past and the stunning lack of empathy just made my skin crawl.

ha... It's maddening. And I wonder why I didn't see it more clearly while in the RS

[thatwasthat]

Reminds me of a mind boggling experience I had.

We were both standing in the kitchen, everything was rather "good" (but she had already started devaluating me.)

Suddenly I got a cramp in my leg. It was really bad, really really bad. I immediately dropped to the floor and couldn't even say a word, that's how much it hurt.

She was just standing there, not helpless. Just ABSOLUTELY UNFAZED. She just looked down at me, not the slightest hint of an emotion.

When it got better I told her: "What the heck you ddidn't even ask what was going on or try to help extending my leg." To which she replied, and very pis*ed off as if I had done something wrong: "You have to tell me what's going on, how am I elfin supposed to help when you don't even tell me what's going on."

Is thins a normal behavior towards a person you supposedly love? F*** no. I would have dropped everything and tried to help etc. What the heck

[Raybo48]

First of all let me say how sorry I am to hear about what happened to you.  I hope you are doing ok and I'm glad to hear you'll have other support soon.

I can't say I'm at all surprised to hear of the cold hearted behavior from your exBPDw.  In my experience with my BPDxgf there were numerous times where there was crisis (death of a close friend, major health issues with my mother) in my life and I turned  to my ex only to get zero empathy.  The conversation quickly turned from my situation to something about her and I was never able to get back to my topic. 

It's really sad that they can't see how self-immersed they are, but that will never change. 

[Mutt]

Trog,

I hope that you're OK. That's a scary experience you had and I'm sorry. I'm happy to hear you'll be able to talk to your support network soon. I'm sorry your ex invalidated you in your time of need. That's sad and hurtful. I hope you feel better soon. Hang in there.

[Climbmountains91]

Aww man  I'm so sorry to hear what happened, its so horrible i hope your ok.  . Small world got my purse robbed this week so i can empathise in that way how frustrating that is. I told my ex and he was like one of his girls that are friends (and app has feelings for) had hers robbed few weeks ago. Just felt like slamming the phone down on him ! The only time hes ever been supportive was when i was in labour with our daughter. No empathy or anything what so ever. Incredible urgh!

[CareTaker]

What you got to remember here is that the only thing that matters is themselves. My ex will tell you how she stood by me in a difficult time, and how she supported me.

But thinking about it, she did nothing. All she did was demand stuff that I was not always able to give. Very unreasonable financial demands. And if you never gave what she asked, she would run you down.

Yesterday I received a sms that she sent about 6 months ago. Don't know why I only got it now, but from the date I can see when it was sent. It is not just a normal short sms, it is a letter. This just confirms why I decided to leave. The hurt this woman carries within her, must be so painful. How can be so rude to someone who has always only tried to help you. Sick.

[Deeno02]

Reminds me of a mind boggling experience I had.

We were both standing in the kitchen, everything was rather "good" (but she had already started devaluating me.)

Suddenly I got a cramp in my leg. It was really bad, really really bad. I immediately dropped to the floor and couldn't even say a word, that's how much it hurt.

She was just standing there, not helpless. Just ABSOLUTELY UNFAZED. She just looked down at me, not the slightest hint of an emotion.

When it got better I told her: "What the heck you ddidn't even ask what was going on or try to help extending my leg." To which she replied, and very pis*ed off as if I had done something wrong: "You have to tell me what's going on, how am I elfin supposed to help when you don't even tell me what's going on."

Is thins a normal behavior towards a person you supposedly love? F*** no. I would have dropped everything and tried to help etc. What the heck

Yep, god forbid if you didnt drop whatever you were doing to help them with some crisis or illness... .

[Pieter2]

Sorry to hear - Their lack of empathy is astonishing at times. I got robbed at gunpoint and she could believe "How is she supposed to feel?", Disgusting. No empathy or understanding from her at any point whatsoever. Shame, must be hell for her and whoever she's with now.

[Deeno02]

Sorry to hear - Their lack of empathy is astonishing at times. I got robbed at gunpoint and she could believe "How is she supposed to feel?", Disgusting. No empathy or understanding from her at any point whatsoever. Shame, must be hell for her and whoever she's with now.

Yep. Its like Ive said before, shes sick with her fibromyalgia or anxiety, drop whatever your doing and fawn all over them(which I would do anyway for folks, because thats me), but when Im sick? Nothing except get called old or your always sick, or so Im not seeing you tonight?, stuff like that... jeez... .

[Raybo48]

Oh yea, boy did that just ring in my brain just now.  "you're old and you're always sick".   Such comforting words when you need words of comfort.  Never once did I ever hear "I hope you feel better".  Amazing

[Deeno02]

Oh yea, boy did that just ring in my brain just now.  "you're old and you're always sick".   Such comforting words when you need words of comfort.  Never once did I ever hear "I hope you feel better".  Amazing

Should have known better. I was so dehydrated from being sick and passed out, taken to the ER and given fluids. All I got out of her was an are you ok? Not a WOW, can I come over and see you, do you need anything, nothing. I ended up dragging my ass over to her place where I was further devalued as we sat on the couch. Just another missed time to walk away from her BS.

[Raybo48]

Oh yea, boy did that just ring in my brain just now.  "you're old and you're always sick".   Such comforting words when you need words of comfort.  Never once did I ever hear "I hope you feel better".  Amazing

Should have known better. I was so dehydrated from being sick and passed out, taken to the ER and given fluids. All I got out of her was an are you ok? Not a WOW, can I come over and see you, do you need anything, nothing. I ended up dragging my ass over to her place where I was further devalued as we sat on the couch. Just another missed time to walk away from her BS.

There's a lot of toxic behavior, but I'd say lack of empathy is in my top two.   It ends up permeating through the entire r/s as far as I'm concerned and really brings you down. 

I flew from Salt Lake City to Chicago and got in my car and drove 90 miles to see her all in the same day.  When I got there I went to the bathroom and pissed straight blood.  Turns out I had a kidney stone that broke lose.   I was in a slight panic to say the least.  Showed her and told her and got... .  "you'll be fine, what movie do you want to watch".   

[Trog]

This assault has really helped put things in context for me.

I have had my parents, family and friends call me up and offer support and many kind words from people, all my ex (who tells me she wants me back) could do is talk about herself and offer no sympathetic words but compare it to things that happened to her that are no way comparible.

I don't want that from my partner. When the chips are down, if you can't even count on your partner to be caring, then she is wrong for you. The woman is wholly self obsessed. I've seen caring women, I have other caring women in my life and this incident has thrown her lack into clear relief. I don't care if she is BPD/NPD or whatever, she can't fulfill even the most basic of my needs. I want love. It's a shame it took a mugging to wake me up!

[Pingo]

This assault has really helped put things in context for me.

I have had my parents, family and friends call me up and offer support and many kind words from people, all my ex (who tells me she wants me back) could do is talk about herself and offer no sympathetic words but compare it to things that happened to her that are no way comparible.

I don't want that from my partner. When the chips are down, if you can't even count on your partner to be caring, then she is wrong for you. The woman is wholly self obsessed. I've seen caring women, I have other caring women in my life and this incident has thrown her lack into clear relief. I don't care if she is BPD/NPD or whatever, she can't fulfill even the most basic of my needs. I want love. It's a shame it took a mugging to wake me up!

Trog, I'm really sorry for the assault you experienced, that is horrible.  I'm glad you could find something to pull from it though.  I think you are right, we don't know what our futures will be, will we get sick?  Will we experience trauma or grief?... .If you can't trust the person you are with that they'd be there to help you get through it then that is a problem.  When I was with my first husband (non but many selfish childish behaviours) I used to worry about this... .what if I got cancer or something equally distressful?  Would he be a help or a hindrance?  I knew he'd be a hindrance.  And that was a crappy feeling, knowing that if the times got tough I'd be better off on my own.  How can you open up and be vulnerable to someone who doesn't have your back and can only love you with conditions of everything going smoothly?  What a life that is!