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Author Topic: Is returning belongings considered breaking NC?  (Read 2186 times)
StayOrLeave15
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« on: November 15, 2014, 09:37:37 AM »

I was cleaning out my home this morning and found some of my ex's things.  Some of them were on the more expensive side so I feel an obligation to return them to her.  But I have been almost 1 month NC and doing so is essentially a form of contact.

I would not have to see her.  I could have a friend leave them at her home and that would be that.  But the risk/reward doesn't see to make sense.  The "contact" of returning her belongings could stir up a mess, and I've been doing really well being out out this relationship. 

This is mostly thinking out loud.  My decision at this point is that returning her things IS breaking NC so I am not going to do it.  I will donate them to the goodwill store rather than letting them go to waste.  Part of me feels guilty because of the money she spent on these things, but it is for the better to not have any contact with her at all.  I need to reinforce that to myself.

Has anyone had similar experiences they can share? 
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Raybo48
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2014, 09:49:33 AM »

Yes, it definitely would be breaking NC and if the items were of any importance to her she would have contacted you by now don't you think?   Look at it this way, if you're not that important to her then that stuff sure isn't to you.   Donate it, toss it, but don't break NC. 
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2014, 09:59:08 AM »

It isnt about NC or anything like that, remember NC is a tool to give us time to process our emotions and what we are going through. 

If she had stuff of yours and didnt return it how would you feel?  Do the emotionally mature thing.  Returning someones personal belongings even if using a 3rd party to do it is the healthy mature thing to do. 

my 2 cents.


AJJ. 
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myself
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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2014, 11:34:16 AM »

I agree with Aussie JJ. Especially since you say that someone else can drop them off and you won't really need to be involved. It may even help you have some extra closure. NC is to help you find your balance. If she tries contacting you after getting the items back, you'll be strong and aware enough to not respond.
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« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2014, 12:07:26 AM »

My solution to this was to mail his stuff to his brother out of province.  He probably won't even know I did it for some time but at least the stuff is out of my hands and is a symbolic closure for me.  Better than having the stuff and thinking about having to deal with it at some point.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2014, 08:05:06 AM »

I too agree with Aussie--it is demonstrating respect (and that means self respect as well) to return her belongings. A third party or mailing sounds like a good idea. My exBPDbf has refused to return mine which has necessitated a process server and an attorney. I understand some pwBPD keep our things as "trophies".
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« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2014, 10:13:43 AM »

I too agree with Aussie--it is demonstrating respect (and that means self respect as well) to return her belongings. A third party or mailing sounds like a good idea. My exBPDbf has refused to return mine which has necessitated a process server and an attorney. I understand some pwBPD keep our things as "trophies".

Yep, mine has done this, kept my snow tires as trophies Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), among other things and refused to give them back. The few people I've told that I returned his stuff think I'm crazy to not just chuck it all in the garbage since he wouldn't do an exchange but that goes against my own values.  I'm not that kind of person.  These were personal items like old photos that I'd imagine his kids would want one day.
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Mutt
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« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2014, 12:05:55 PM »

Aussie JJ is right, no contact is a tool to detach. It's not a black and white rule. The grey area here is to give her stuff back. You won't feel guilty by doing the right thing. I understand it's hard when we're in pain. It's a good idea you thought this out loud. I hope that helps.
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« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2014, 12:44:33 PM »

I was cleaning out my home this morning and found some of my ex's things.  Some of them were on the more expensive side so I feel an obligation to return them to her.  But I have been almost 1 month NC and doing so is essentially a form of contact.

I would not have to see her.  I could have a friend leave them at her home and that would be that.  But the risk/reward doesn't see to make sense.  The "contact" of returning her belongings could stir up a mess, and I've been doing really well being out out this relationship. 

This is mostly thinking out loud.  My decision at this point is that returning her things IS breaking NC so I am not going to do it.  I will donate them to the goodwill store rather than letting them go to waste.  Part of me feels guilty because of the money she spent on these things, but it is for the better to not have any contact with her at all.  I need to reinforce that to myself.

Has anyone had similar experiences they can share? 

Returning items is a very courteous and mature act. Just be cautioned, in whatever way you choose to have these items delivered, that it likely will not be received with the same degree of respect.  Any reminder of me acted as a trigger for my ex and I did return some things via a mutual friend.  They were thrown away.  I additionally learned that very sentiment things I had given my ex, such a one of a kind well thought out gifts and beautiful cards that I wrote with very warm, personal  sentiments were thrown out almost immediately after he moved on. If doing what feels right to you is important, do so with no expectations but self fulfillment.
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StayOrLeave15
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« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2014, 06:08:54 PM »

It isnt about NC or anything like that, remember NC is a tool to give us time to process our emotions and what we are going through. 

Aussie JJ is right, no contact is a tool to detach. It's not a black and white rule. The grey area here is to give her stuff back. You won't feel guilty by doing the right thing. I understand it's hard when we're in pain. It's a good idea you thought this out loud. I hope that helps.

Returning items is a very courteous and mature act. Just be cautioned, in whatever way you choose to have these items delivered, that it likely will not be received with the same degree of respect.  Any reminder of me acted as a trigger for my ex and I did return some things via a mutual friend.  They were thrown away.  I additionally learned that very sentiment things I had given my ex, such a one of a kind well thought out gifts and beautiful cards that I wrote with very warm, personal  sentiments were thrown out almost immediately after he moved on. If doing what feels right to you is important, do so with no expectations but self fulfillment.

These and all the other responses are very good points.  It is the mature thing to do and it is a good way of understanding that NC is a tool and not a "black or white" situation.  I want to do the right thing in this situation, but have to make sure I am prepared to do so.  That is, I need to be prepared for any possible response from her.  I know myself and I cannot engage.  Right now I am painted black, but who knows how this "contact" would trigger her. 

I've blocked all forms of communication that I can, but if she really wanted to reach me she could.  I need to be prepared to be strong and not engage.  My thoughts are I will wait until after Thanksgiving weekend to take care of this, as I will have a lot of free time that weekend and feel like I may be in a vulnerable place if she tries to reach me. 

Thank you all for your words of wisdom.

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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2014, 02:11:39 AM »

I agree in giving everything back.  It will take that of your conscience and you can be satisfied that you have done the right thing. I also agree that it might trigger your ex, so using the brother as a go-between is a good strategy.

I gave everything back but she won't hand my things over. I can't see what she is going to do with a pair of 3m (10 ft) aluminium scaffold pipes. She can keep my DSLR camera, plasma TV, guitar and tailor-made suits but I really want the scaffold pipes back - not because they're mine but because they will otherwise go to waste and I don't think they make good trophies, anyway. :-)
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Craydar
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« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2014, 03:46:28 AM »

YES... .however, before I knew what BPD was and I was dating my uxBPDgf, we split up after she declared that she was too broken and flawed to be in a relationship. I went NC, but sent her stuff back on day 10-14? (forgot exactly when). Anyway, when she finally successfully begged and pleaded for me back, she told me that sending her stuff back to her was her 'oh ___ he's serious wake-up call' So if you do not want to hear from the pwBPD, remain 100% NC. If you don't care... .mail away.

Now that I think about it, since our final break up, she has some of my stuff. Whatever, it's just stuff.
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