Divorce pending in 2 months, and husband seduced me back, then rejects me again.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have messaged Randi privately regarding my life in form of novel, but deleted it, so I hope she can copy it to here. Short story, This has been a soap opera. I left him in may, he had no friends, so begged his ex wife to move in. She's 23 years older, and like me rescued him by paying off his $10,000 debts! He is not happy with her as she's controlling.  So he's been seducing me on and off since July.  He was so convincing, that I even bought my wedding ring back, only to sell it back again when he changed his mind. I am better at keeping my limits now. He has again asked me out and we were intimate. Our divorce is in January. I reiterated he had to be in therapy 3-6 months for me to consider going back to him. He said he would-but he said he would in September and canceled once of 2 visits. So, time is running out. I suggested he  go to therapy, and in future we can rethink being partners.

Meanwhile, his ex and I have become friends. Why? because she validates my feelings and we support each other. I share BPD literature, and help her understand him. She thinks he's evil-chronic liar, so wants to move out asap. Then he'd lose house as he gets laid off often. He begged her to move in because of $ to save house and probably panic due to my leaving. Then when she found out he was calling and texting or meeting me, and was outraged, told him to change his ph# and checked his phone daily. I realized she must love him. It turns out he needed her as room mate, but he doesn't love her, and neither want sex... .but she wanted snuggling etc. So she was hurt, and invested all her money to bail him out and be able to keep house. I'm still on title, but she made him sign a contract to pay her back $400/month, and it said he can't sell house. This means likely foreclosure unless I move in. I quit my job to have surgery last month, and gave up my child support, so I only have disability income. I told him we can no longer afford to live there, but he's in denial.

So, we had sex last weekend, and then enjoyed day... .only to have him say he'd think about things, stay low, and sweet talk her to stay. She won't! She will leave in spring after she takes a few more of his checks, then garnish his wages.  I begged him to give up house and move any where else if he loved me... .but he doesn't trust me, and I believe he knows I can't support him any more. The chemistry is awesome. When lucid, he's a gentleman and fun. I left him because he didn't stay in therapy. I waited 9 months and gave him warning. Then I waited 5 more months and gave him date I'd leave. He had his ex set up to move in 1 month before. She also told me about all his lies and neediness, and more. WE know he's BPD, NPD, PTSD, and Avoidant PD.

He tells me occasionally he will go back for me when he's scared. I told him to go back for HIM. My costs are zero for therapy till end of December-so that made him consider it. I expect him to beg me after she leaves, and that would be after our divorce. I can only hope he gets to therapy asap twice a week to prove he's sincere. He's desperate. But, he acts tough and says he'll be okay-masking his fears.

I should add why I got him into therapy BEFORE we married. He would sit on edge of bed nightly for 4 months saying he had to leave. He left his ex after divorce and back to her while laid off. So-I thought he loved her, or afraid to commit, and he said his diabetes would scare me etc. Now we see he felt safe with her, and was not sure he'd trust me not to leave and put up with his "other side" as he called it. He became okay  a few months after therapy regarding that, but more weird behavior began. I thought it was due to insecurity.

He was beaten by his dad often as a young kid. His dad was a boxer! We can only guess his dad was bipolar and so is his brother. His dad also put a gun to his head, and threw his brother down the stairs and broke his leg! That is enough to make any kid scared, and thus he grew into a scared adult.

3 therapist and his pastor said they could not get through to him. Cognitive dissonance and maybe shame too. But I read dozens of books, online sites and feel he could get better because his ex said he'd do it for me like he had in past because he LOVES me, and is scared to lose me.  He has few choices, so he might.  Well, of course I love him, and will continue to suggest he does return, without being to  preachy. His therapist said I need to praise him a lot. That seems to help. I am able to call him better and teach him how to recognize triggers... .but his ex told him a guy in my bowling league asked me out. He went ballistic and came over after we agreed to be a couple outside his home/& ex. He called me a slut and I called him  something bad also. I was probably splitting myself by then. He surprised me by calling to apologize that night.

So- possibility he will be fine to lose house and rent with me some where could happen as he doesn't trust anyone! He returned to church after 3 years as he felt it calmed him, but he refused to join a men's support group his pastor suggested. If he won't consider his pastor's advice, he will never change. His pastor promised me to keep suggesting outside therapy too. I get made with church. Some-not all, believe the devil causes BPD. They think they can pray away BPD. I see church/prayer only as a way to serenity short term. I asked him how he could lie and steal if he was a Christian, and he only said he'd explain it to God when he sees him-see-no responsibility for his actions here on earth!

So, I stay busy to be distracted while he decides if he gets help. Divorce in  8 weeks. Hmmm... .odds don't look good      I have signed up for 2 clASSES AT SENIOR CENTER, JOINED A BOWLING LEAGUE, AND  I have a secret women's group online for 5 years. They gave me an intervention this past summer. I was okay while moving-in with my ex (yes-soap opera) so my daughter would feel safe, and I cleaned 2 months because MY ex is a hoarder. Now I sleep on freezing porch as I can't afford to leave. I gave back my child support too... .so I must get a job IF I want to help my husband! I'm not sure it will help much when he's laid off. But he promised to get other jobs this time around.

My other concern is he doesn't take care of his diabetes. I lost 3 pounds since I left him and eat healthier. I should add he's 55, and I'm 59, and his ex is 79! She admits she was lonely and wanted a companion, but did not make that clear... .so he  loves me and resents her controlling and she regrets helping him. She could move out but if she didn't do his budget, she will never get her money. She said if he got a loan for $2500, she will drop $5,000 of his debt! That should be a no brainer, but he won't. He doesn't understand banking, can't write checks, and can't make a budget or stick to ours. I'd be able to bring in $ so he could pay her, but he's fearful I'd leave again. I promised him I wouldn't if he stayed in therapy-the same limits I gave him PRIOR to marriage!

Can he change? Does he sincerely want too? Does he chose who he lives with based on who makes him feel safer with-that won't dessert him? Probably all of those... .and he's not cognitively aware of why he acts, but I'm slowly helping him understand in simple terms. I repeat, he seems to need to feel desperate in order to get back to therapy.

He needs constant assurance he's loved. I have done that. He needed nightly assurance I would not leave while we were married-yet he sabbotaged our union, and I left because he verbally hurt my daughter and I. I questioned my own perceptions.  Can I even have closure? I will never get an apology is what I told randi... .but he actually did this past week. I feel it was sincere. maybe his ex and I told him off enough that he finally saw we were in hurt so badly. I saw empathy for first time./

Now I need you to know he never loved his ex-she rescued him and it was a mother/son relationship. She loved his companionship, and he loved the fact he could travel. She said he went 3 weeks without talking to her when he was mad=control. He only did that to me 1/2 day. He said I wasn't controlling like her. Guess I allowed him-yes, allowed him to cross my boundaries! So, I am willing to reunite in any form IF he seeks long term therapy!

(%% of people and professionals tell me to run! Then, again, I read that there ARE ways partners can help learn to respond. Also-he DID go back to therapy before I left (scared) and we argued, and it was I that got up and left. I still feel guilty for that... .but was reminded none of this was my fault!  I am college educated and had a few BPD behaviors due to abusive mom, but therapist said I reacted well, till this past month-triggered by his on/off desire to grow old with me. If his ex were not in picture he admits we'd be fine.  So, I wait, and he's in control-by making choice who he wants and needs. He has seen some reality recently regarding probable loss of home. He insists he'll be okay and rent-then won't need me? I took control back and gave him a reminder what he has to do for me to return. Meanwhile. I don't want him near the bowling alley. He has habit to check out guys where I swim also... .and  till this is all settled. I'd give my right arm to bowl with him, and return to fun things we shared, and a sense of normalicy. I mean no more projecting like caLLING me A WHACK JOB-LOL

Odds are against us I know. I was told I feel needed which I equate with love that I didn't get from my mother. Argh.

Seriously-has ANY one out there reunited with their BPD partner?

mOVING ON... .BUT OPEN TO GIVING HIM A SECOND CHANCE only IF HE KEEPS PROMISE TO GET HELP. i'M SCARED HE WILL DO THAT A WEEK BEFORE DIVORCE.  If this does not work out, I will never trust again. I will need months of therapy to regroup, and find my self worth... .but will agree to do that in conjunction to going back to him. I might be in denial, but he is love of my life. I won't judge him as I am not perfect and did not deal well with his behavior. Now I feel more prepared and watched youtube video that helps partners .

Thoughts?

[Turtlegal]

I have messaged Randi privately regarding my life in form of novel, but deleted it, so I hope she can copy it to here. Short story, This has been a soap opera. I left him in may, he had no friends, so begged his ex wife to move in. She's 23 years older, and like me rescued him by paying off his $10,000 debts! He is not happy with her as she's controlling.  So he's been seducing me on and off since July.  He was so convincing, that I even bought my wedding ring back, only to sell it back again when he changed his mind. I am better at keeping my limits now. He has again asked me out and we were intimate. Our divorce is in January. I reiterated he had to be in therapy 3-6 months for me to consider going back to him. He said he would-but he said he would in September and canceled once of 2 visits. So, time is running out. I suggested he  go to therapy, and in future we can rethink being partners.

Meanwhile, his ex and I have become friends. Why? because she validates my feelings and we support each other. I share BPD literature, and help her understand him. She thinks he's evil-chronic liar, so wants to move out asap. Then he'd lose house as he gets laid off often. He begged her to move in because of $ to save house and probably panic due to my leaving. Then when she found out he was calling and texting or meeting me, and was outraged, told him to change his ph# and checked his phone daily. I realized she must love him. It turns out he needed her as room mate, but he doesn't love her, and neither want sex... .but she wanted snuggling etc. So she was hurt, and invested all her money to bail him out and be able to keep house. I'm still on title, but she made him sign a contract to pay her back $400/month, and it said he can't sell house. This means likely foreclosure unless I move in. I quit my job to have surgery last month, and gave up my child support, so I only have disability income. I told him we can no longer afford to live there, but he's in denial.

So, we had sex last weekend, and then enjoyed day... .only to have him say he'd think about things, stay low, and sweet talk her to stay. She won't! She will leave in spring after she takes a few more of his checks, then garnish his wages.  I begged him to give up house and move any where else if he loved me... .but he doesn't trust me, and I believe he knows I can't support him any more. The chemistry is awesome. When lucid, he's a gentleman and fun. I left him because he didn't stay in therapy. I waited 9 months and gave him warning. Then I waited 5 more months and gave him date I'd leave. He had his ex set up to move in 1 month before. She also told me about all his lies and neediness, and more. WE know he's BPD, NPD, PTSD, and Avoidant PD.

He tells me occasionally he will go back for me when he's scared. I told him to go back for HIM. My costs are zero for therapy till end of December-so that made him consider it. I expect him to beg me after she leaves, and that would be after our divorce. I can only hope he gets to therapy asap twice a week to prove he's sincere. He's desperate. But, he acts tough and says he'll be okay-masking his fears.

I should add why I got him into therapy BEFORE we married. He would sit on edge of bed nightly for 4 months saying he had to leave. He left his ex after divorce and back to her while laid off. So-I thought he loved her, or afraid to commit, and he said his diabetes would scare me etc. Now we see he felt safe with her, and was not sure he'd trust me not to leave and put up with his "other side" as he called it. He became okay  a few months after therapy regarding that, but more weird behavior began. I thought it was due to insecurity.

He was beaten by his dad often as a young kid. His dad was a boxer! We can only guess his dad was bipolar and so is his brother. His dad also put a gun to his head, and threw his brother down the stairs and broke his leg! That is enough to make any kid scared, and thus he grew into a scared adult.

3 therapist and his pastor said they could not get through to him. Cognitive dissonance and maybe shame too. But I read dozens of books, online sites and feel he could get better because his ex said he'd do it for me like he had in past because he LOVES me, and is scared to lose me.  He has few choices, so he might.  Well, of course I love him, and will continue to suggest he does return, without being to  preachy. His therapist said I need to praise him a lot. That seems to help. I am able to call him better and teach him how to recognize triggers... .but his ex told him a guy in my bowling league asked me out. He went ballistic and came over after we agreed to be a couple outside his home/& ex. He called me a slut and I called him  something bad also. I was probably splitting myself by then. He surprised me by calling to apologize that night.

So- possibility he will be fine to lose house and rent with me some where could happen as he doesn't trust anyone! He returned to church after 3 years as he felt it calmed him, but he refused to join a men's support group his pastor suggested. If he won't consider his pastor's advice, he will never change. His pastor promised me to keep suggesting outside therapy too. I get made with church. Some-not all, believe the devil causes BPD. They think they can pray away BPD. I see church/prayer only as a way to serenity short term. I asked him how he could lie and steal if he was a Christian, and he only said he'd explain it to God when he sees him-see-no responsibility for his actions here on earth!

So, I stay busy to be distracted while he decides if he gets help. Divorce in  8 weeks. Hmmm... .odds don't look good      I have signed up for 2 clASSES AT SENIOR CENTER, JOINED A BOWLING LEAGUE, AND  I have a secret women's group online for 5 years. They gave me an intervention this past summer. I was okay while moving-in with my ex (yes-soap opera) so my daughter would feel safe, and I cleaned 2 months because MY ex is a hoarder. Now I sleep on freezing porch as I can't afford to leave. I gave back my child support too... .so I must get a job IF I want to help my husband! I'm not sure it will help much when he's laid off. But he promised to get other jobs this time around.

My other concern is he doesn't take care of his diabetes. I lost 3 pounds since I left him and eat healthier. I should add he's 55, and I'm 59, and his ex is 79! She admits she was lonely and wanted a companion, but did not make that clear... .so he  loves me and resents her controlling and she regrets helping him. She could move out but if she didn't do his budget, she will never get her money. She said if he got a loan for $2500, she will drop $5,000 of his debt! That should be a no brainer, but he won't. He doesn't understand banking, can't write checks, and can't make a budget or stick to ours. I'd be able to bring in $ so he could pay her, but he's fearful I'd leave again. I promised him I wouldn't if he stayed in therapy-the same limits I gave him PRIOR to marriage!

Can he change? Does he sincerely want too? Does he chose who he lives with based on who makes him feel safer with-that won't dessert him? Probably all of those... .and he's not cognitively aware of why he acts, but I'm slowly helping him understand in simple terms. I repeat, he seems to need to feel desperate in order to get back to therapy.

He needs constant assurance he's loved. I have done that. He needed nightly assurance I would not leave while we were married-yet he sabbotaged our union, and I left because he verbally hurt my daughter and I. I questioned my own perceptions.  Can I even have closure? I will never get an apology is what I told randi... .but he actually did this past week. I feel it was sincere. maybe his ex and I told him off enough that he finally saw we were in hurt so badly. I saw empathy for first time./

Now I need you to know he never loved his ex-she rescued him and it was a mother/son relationship. She loved his companionship, and he loved the fact he could travel. She said he went 3 weeks without talking to her when he was mad=control. He only did that to me 1/2 day. He said I wasn't controlling like her. Guess I allowed him-yes, allowed him to cross my boundaries! So, I am willing to reunite in any form IF he seeks long term therapy!

(%% of people and professionals tell me to run! Then, again, I read that there ARE ways partners can help learn to respond. Also-he DID go back to therapy before I left (scared) and we argued, and it was I that got up and left. I still feel guilty for that... .but was reminded none of this was my fault!  I am college educated and had a few BPD behaviors due to abusive mom, but therapist said I reacted well, till this past month-triggered by his on/off desire to grow old with me. If his ex were not in picture he admits we'd be fine.  So, I wait, and he's in control-by making choice who he wants and needs. He has seen some reality recently regarding probable loss of home. He insists he'll be okay and rent-then won't need me? I took control back and gave him a reminder what he has to do for me to return. Meanwhile. I don't want him near the bowling alley. He has habit to check out guys where I swim also... .and  till this is all settled. I'd give my right arm to bowl with him, and return to fun things we shared, and a sense of normalicy. I mean no more projecting like caLLING me A WHACK JOB-LOL

Odds are against us I know. I was told I feel needed which I equate with love that I didn't get from my mother. Argh.

Seriously-has ANY one out there reunited with their BPD partner?

mOVING ON... .BUT OPEN TO GIVING HIM A SECOND CHANCE only IF HE KEEPS PROMISE TO GET HELP. i'M SCARED HE WILL DO THAT A WEEK BEFORE DIVORCE.  If this does not work out, I will never trust again. I will need months of therapy to regroup, and find my self worth... .but will agree to do that in conjunction to going back to him. I might be in denial, but he is love of my life. I won't judge him as I am not perfect and did not deal well with his behavior. Now I feel more prepared and watched youtube video that helps partners .

Thoughts?