Horrible Breakup, destroying me

[westdawk2036]

Any tips from people who went through something similar on how to move on? Right now (as I mentioned above) i'm on meds for depression and anxiety and my day is consumed with thoughts of this person who I loved (and unfortunately still do in a way). I struggle looking at other woman with romantic interest. On top of this I have no idea how to even show romantic interest in someone since I have been in a relationship for two years and I still feel so hurt and confused by that. Anyway just looking to hear stories or advice on how others have dealt with similar situations?

[guy4caligirl]

Any tips from people who went through something similar on how to move on? Right now (as I mentioned above) i'm on meds for depression and anxiety and my day is consumed with thoughts of this person who I loved (and unfortunately still do in a way). I struggle looking at other woman with romantic interest. On top of this I have no idea how to even show romantic interest in someone since I have been in a relationship for two years and I still feel so hurt and confused by that. Anyway just looking to hear stories or advice on how others have dealt with similar situations?

I really feel your pain I am going trough the same emotional state you are in se had destroy  me and I can't do nothing about it she does Not  care  .

[westdawk2036]

Thats the worst part. She doesn't care. Honestly it's almost like loving someone with Alzheimers or dementia. They forget all the good memories, they forget who you are, they just hate you for no reason.

[Raybo48]

Thats the worst part. She doesn't care. Honestly it's almost like loving someone with Alzheimers or dementia. They forget all the good memories, they forget who you are, they just hate you for no reason.

That's why you really need to try your best to focus on you right now.  I know that's very difficult when you are consumed with thoughts of her.  None of it makes any sense really, constantly thinking of someone who discarded us so easily, but we do it.  We all do it at one time or another.   

It's very difficult, but you need to own your part in the relationship.  The enabling part, and the reasons why you stayed with someone who you probably knew a while ago wasn't going to be good for you emotionally especially since the good memories were few and far between compared to the bad.  You knew that but looked the other way because you thought hey, I love her!   Maybe you don't want to hear any of this, but I've been there and I was just as immersed as you, and just as confused, and ended up being just as discarded.   I still struggle daily, but I also realize it wasn't all her.  I knew pretty early on she had something going on with her long before I knew about what  BPD was, but I still stayed. I figured if I tried harder, or just ignored some of the behavior it would go away.  It didn't.   

It's about owning your part, breaking the addiction, and healing. 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thats the worst part. She doesn't care. Honestly it's almost like loving someone with Alzheimers or dementia. They forget all the good memories, they forget who you are, they just hate you for no reason.

See its the opposite for me right now. She doesnt hate me and acts for the most part like the girl i fell for remembering the good. The thing is all it ever seems to be is im the "funny and light ex who still cares about her". Essentially she thinks im here to make her laugh or im just here to soothe her when shes hurt. I put on this mask because i know she responds to it well. Im at the point though that i cant keep pretending. Its ripping me apart. This isnt being true to me. Im neglecting all of my emotions and its building up to the point where im emotionally a mess again.

What im trying to convey here is either side of the spectrum causes immense pain and suffering. Im really sorry youre going through this. I hear from others it gets better with time. Even though im very skeptical im just hoping theyre right.

[westdawk2036]

Ya I think you have to think about yourself in this case. Although you might think your doing the right thing. seems like your just hurting yourself everytime. I know cause I tried the same thing with my ex. And I really hope it gets better with time. Cause right now I feel like I lost two very important years of my life

[westdawk2036]

Just out of curiousity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

[Raybo48]

Just out of curiousity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

Personally, I deleted all pictures of us and her.  We are no longer FB friends and I don't have any reminders laying around.  That's just me, everyone is different.

[CareTaker]

Just out of curiosity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

Any tips from people who went through something similar on how to move on?

There are a few facts here you have to keep in mind:

Firstly, the woman you met, and had a great time with was a fake personality. The real woman is that toxic b___ that runs you down for trying to do good. The fake personality is the only reason you fell for her, and because of her verbal abuse it has created a chemical imbalance in your brain which made you addicted to her, not in love. These woman will date and/or marry anyone who can constantly live up to their demands. So no matter what she said to you, there was nothing special about your relationship or you as a matter of fact. When this relationship eventually crumbles, she just moves on to the next victim who can supply her demands. So in reality, you just a source of supply. You will notice a set pattern here, most of these woman fall "in love" with the next victim within a couple of days of breaking up with you.

We not like that, we need time to recover. That is normal and you must go through that to "heal your brain." Much like a wound on your arm that is sore and take a while to heal.

This is the reason why I walked out, and never gave my ex that baby she wanted. I realized that any relationship with these woman, would be hell and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

What I did was: I deleted everything. Threw everything she gave or bought me in the bin. Basically I erased 3 years from my life. I was fortunate that an ex from a couple of years ago came back after working overseas. We date occasionally, but nothing serious. Just friends. So now after 2 months of break up I am feeling ok again and really enjoying the company of my (new) friend. We have a great time and things are progressing to the stage where we actually are planning weekends away and a holiday together. But no love-at-first-site type off bull. This is how a normal relationship develops.

If anything, I suggest anyone coming out of one of these relationships must move on as quick as possible. Delete, erase and move on. Forget being friends, unless there are kids involved and then just stick to the basics. You deserve a better life, and also someone who really cares for you. Not one that has a list of unreasonable demands that you can never fulfil. Be sure of the fact that your replacement will not have a wonderful like with your ex. Her demands and verbal abuse will wreck ANY relationship she will ever have.

I want to share this story with you guys. A few years ago a friend of mine suddenly got divorced. Wow, they  where a perfect couple and it came as a shock. Some months later he met and moved in with a new girl. I asked him what makes him think this new relationship is different. His reply: I don't need her money, and she doesn't need mine, we just need each other.

Isn't that where you rather would want to be?

[CareTaker]

Sorry I just realized my last post was directed to woman only. Sorry to all the ladies on here. We know you having the same problems with you ex male partners. I just put the post up from my personal point of view.

[Infared]

Westdawk ...

Your story sounds like all of ours.

The abrupt ending. The new guy. Being painted black and her changing your history to justify her actions.

Please also consider that she was already in the new relationship before she left you. pwBPD can rarely strike out on their own... .They MUST have supply. I thought mine truly loved me, but she turned out to be an expert liar and manipulator. I sussed out that she was with another guy for sometime while she was still living with me (5 yrs). Lied about all of it... .to everyone.  Truly a sociopath. I just kept saying "Are you kidding me" to myself as I slowly opened my eyes and put 2+2 together.  I was dumbfounded and like you ended up in a TON of pain, in therapy... etc. trying to figure out what had happened.  I never will really know.

What I had to do is gather myself up and accept the reality that was her actions, NOT her words. It takes a while to sink in as we are shell-shocked and in pain and disbelief and denial of the reality in front of us.  Once I slowly started to "get" who this person really was I HAD to start taking care of me. NC was an absolute. These people will string you along forever, just for their own enjoyment. Really sick stuff.

I had to get down with the fact that she was not the person that she had presented to me. That was fake. She was/is mentally ill and she does not know this so she is going to do nothing about it, In her world you are the problem. She has a new knight in shining armor and I was just discarded trash. She will come back whenever the fancy strikes her to "poke the trash". The only thing I can figure is that at any given moment it gives her some kind of entertainment value or power or something. Don't know.

I disallowed ANY type of contact. ANY. That includes if she tries to walk up to me in public... .I put my head down and move away... .anywhere that is safe. There is nothing that is healthy there for me, and I just need to protect myself.

I know that you are having a tough time and you are not alone. Things got better when I started loving me... .I was all that I had. I also slowly realized that if I wanted closure I would have to create that on my own. There was nothing on the other side but lies and totally craziness. Tough stuff... .but you can do it.

[Earthbayne]

Just out of curiousity, have you guys found deleting the pictures to be helpfull? Right now my Facebook is loaded with pictures of us together and I tend to go back and look and miss her

It took me a few days, but I deleted all of her pictures from my FB and my phone. I only have one picture of her left and it's framed.

But it's locked away. It makes it easier and more helpful to not keep running into the pictures, by far.

[westdawk2036]

I just feel like deleting the pictures is hiding from the past (no offense) thats why i'm hesitating to do it. Psychologist suggested I don't block her number for the same reason, don't hide from it. Learn to deal with it... .easier said then done however.

Also just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded and shared the stories, really feels good to have other people who went through something similar to talk to and hear from.

[CareTaker]

I just feel like deleting the pictures is hiding from the past (no offense) thats why i'm hesitating to do it. Psychologist suggested I don't block her number for the same reason, don't hide from it. Learn to deal with it... .easier said then done however.

I disagree with your psychologist. I totally erased 3 years of my life. There is nothing about that toxic relationship   I need. There is no good this woman can bring into my life. I don't need her as a friend, as my friends are all great people. I am not running away from anything, and I am not hiding behind anything. I just don't need any reason to have this person in my life. In 3 years she has not added any value to me. Just sucked my life from me with unrealistic demands and constant verbal abuse when I never lived up to her standards. I don't need friends like this. My best friend is my very first girlfriend. She is happily married and I often have supper with her and her husband. So I am not bitter towards my BPDex. I just don't need pics, cell numbers, cheap aftershave and a pair of slippers bought at Half Price Stores from someone who never could return the love I gave. All that mattered in our relationship was HER. No thanks, I deleted everything.

[Raybo48]

Yea, that is interesting that your psychologist would recommend that.  Are they familiar with BPD?  I don't think it's a matter of hiding from anyone, but trying to heal from the toxic nature of the relationship.  It's going to be difficult to do that when there is a very real possibility of hearing from her if she wants to recycle or you are no longer painted black.    It's certainly your call, but I think it's going to be difficult if you don't set some concrete boundaries.

[Rifka]

I disagree with your psychologist as well. Maybe they are not an expert on BPD. Maybe in a normal/non relationship that would be a good suggestion, but many pwBPD are mental and emotional abusers. They get in your head and alter your thought process and you become addicted to them. Non relationships usually end and you move forward, not distroyed to need meds or see a therapist!

I have been out about 3 months. I went complete n/c for my well being, not him! Deleted everything, threw away everything, all notes, love letters, cards, gifts. No anything, I chose to erase everything about our fake, fantasy relationship. I needed to do that for myself, to be able to move forward for myself, to heal myself. I did it with the help of the people here literally teaching me how to use my iPad and phone. I did one thing a day for me. Healing is for us, not them.

I am not making believe it did not happen because the pain in my heart is a strong enough reminder as was my pride in accepting that there was nothing that I or any woman could do to please or make this man complete for more than a few minutes. They are mentally sick. I'm not willing to waste anymore time on him, it's totally about me and fixing me. It's about learning what was wrong with me and why I stayed with a of the red flags waving in my face. Why I believed it was my job to fix, or teach a shattered person to be healthy. It takes time and a lot of self reflecting to look inside yourself, accept your parts of this and stop worrying about them and start turning it on to you.

Yes we all felt that intense bond, but that is addiction we are feeling. Love takes time, it doesn't happen overnight except in fairy tales and in BPDrss which is like a fairytale.

When you are ready, you will have to disconnect to heal, until then you will be on full blow suffering. You can't do anything for her, unless she decides what she wants from you, but why even let her do that to you, why let yourself accept more abuse. She has a new man, she is his problem now!

Love yourself, allow yourself to heal, read everything here on the forums and workshops. It's very difficult. We have all been in denial of what they are and what it was because its very had to really understand, plus the pain is sometime unbearable.

I'm sorry for your pain, it takes time to heal, but the time starts when you think of yourself and not her.

Hugs to you! You are with friends here who all walked in the shoes of BPD!

Rifka

[Pingo]

I just feel like deleting the pictures is hiding from the past (no offense) thats why i'm hesitating to do it. Psychologist suggested I don't block her number for the same reason, don't hide from it. Learn to deal with it... .easier said then done however.

Also just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded and shared the stories, really feels good to have other people who went through something similar to talk to and hear from.

If you don't feel comfortable deleting them, put them on a thumb drive and give it to someone for safekeeping.  You can't deal with it bc you are in the midst of the worst grief of your life.  But there will be a time you will be able to deal and then decide what you want to do with the pics.  I didn't delete my pics, we were married and that's a chapter of my life I cannot erase.  But I did remove all pics and posts from fb and my phone so I couldn't ruminate on them and also to symbolise moving forward.

[westdawk2036]

Ya i'm considering deleting them or at least hiding them on Facebook. Worst part is with the depression I find myself questioning whether it was truly BPD or she was right and I just didn't make her happy. She does seem much happier now. How long did it take you guys to move on with someone else? I have an urge to find someone else even though I realize this is definitely a bad idea.

[Raybo48]

Ya i'm considering deleting them or at least hiding them on Facebook. Worst part is with the depression I find myself questioning whether it was truly BPD or she was right and I just didn't make her happy. She does seem much happier now. How long did it take you guys to move on with someone else? I have an urge to find someone else even though I realize this is definitely a bad idea.

I still haven't found someone else.  Everyone works off of a different clock, but I personally wouldn't do it just for the sake of getting over my BPDxgf. 

Healing is also about exploring why you were drawn to them in the first place and owning that.  There are various reasons why we are drawn to these people and you can't just chalk it up to meeting the wrong person at the wrong time.  If you were drawn to a BPD individual and you don't work on yourself then you'll likely be drawn to another one and be an easy target for them.   None of us want to hear that, but it's accurate.

[westdawk2036]

What do you think draws us to people with BPD? Wouldn't anyone be drawn to a person like that? So loving, so caring, felt like the perfect match at first. I even waited a whole month before we even started dating... .just feels like bad luck

[Raybo48]

What do you think draws us to people with BPD? Wouldn't anyone be drawn to a person like that? So loving, so caring, felt like the perfect match at first. I even waited a whole month before we even started dating... .just feels like bad luck

No, not necessarily.  An emotionally balance person wouldn't likely be drawn to them at all or if they did manage to go out with them they'd be gone the second there was one or two crazy making behaviors.

I'm co-dependent, a people pleaser, and a fixer to name a few.  My personality type is drawn to them and they are drawn to me.   Part of owning my part in the relationship is realizing it takes two to have the dysfunctional dance.  You can't just point your finger at their disorder and say that's the reason for the relationship failure.  They had a huge part in it, but they were also enabled. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

What do you think draws us to people with BPD? Wouldn't anyone be drawn to a person like that? So loving, so caring, felt like the perfect match at first. I even waited a whole month before we even started dating... .just feels like bad luck

No, not necessarily.  An emotionally balance person wouldn't likely be drawn to them at all or if they did manage to go out with them they'd be gone the second there was one or two crazy making behaviors.

I'm co-dependent, a people pleaser, and a fixer to name a few.  My personality type is drawn to them and they are drawn to me.   Part of owning my part in the relationship is realizing it takes two to have the dysfunctional dance.  You can't just point your finger at their disorder and say that's the reason for the relationship failure.  They had a huge part in it, but they were also enabled.  

I agree, but you know, it's like a drunk and a co-dependent or a battered woman who keeps going back to be beat. One of them is obviously much more of the perpetrator than the other. Also, I do think an emotionally healthy person would see the over the top behavior and the blaming of everyone else and the victimization and the rushing into the relationship as warning signs. I wanted someone to fix me too, that's why I looked passed the insanity and believed I found "the one". Now I know "the one" is me and some sort of god.

[drummerboy]

.