Horrible Breakup, destroying me

[westdawk2036]

Hi, This is my first post here. I was notified by my counselor that my ex girlfriend of two years most likely has BPD. This website has been a huge help in explaining her behavior and why it is so difficult to separate myself from her. She has already met someone new (one month after we broke up) and it has really shattered me as I loved and still love this person. Since breaking up however she has said some of the meanest most uncalled for things about be that I could ever imagine, picking at my deepest insecurities. My issue is we are still talking, she claims she wants to be friends but I do no know if this is good for me. No closure or progress is ever made and the conversation always escalates unless I accept 100% of the blame for our relationship not working. I am just wondering what steps I should take to help myself and whether or not I should tell her that she may have BPD. As a result of this situation I have also developed depression and anxiety and my day to day life, especially having to see her with her new "boyfriend" has become a nightmare. Any advice or help would be much appreciated.

-Dan

[BrokenFamily]

I'm sure you've read some things here to help and seeing a therapist is a great move towards recovery! The best advice I can give you in dealing with a BPD ex or friend would be:

Don't take things personally, they are hurting either consciously or subconsciously and will hurt you so you'll feel their pain. I'be seen my ex do it to her family members best friends and even me.

Don't react, it takes two to tango and if you remain clam while they are throwing a temper tantrum they eventually see they have a problem and have no choice but to resort to other ways to communicate. Say you can see they are upset and want to talk about it but can't when your screaming. Also if you do react in a negative way they will later use it against you and blame you for the fight they provoked.

There's a bunch of other resources on this page that can teach you about validation and boundaries.

To answer your question, I wouldn't recommend trying to maintain a relationship or friendship with anyone with BPD unless they are being honest about their problem and seeking help.

[westdawk2036]

Unfortunately she is unaware of her BPD and I do not want to make her aware as I am scared of the repercussions. I realize I probably need to cut her off and have been seeking closure for a month now but that will never happen. When she reaches out to me it is only to hurt me and blame me. I am not on Zoloft and Ativan to manage my depression and anxiety that resulted from the loss of this woman who meant so much to me but who has hurt me so much. I only wish I was aware of BPD before I lost her. Now she is with someone else and I am forced to see them together almost daily. I do not know how I should go about cutting off the communication. This person was my best friend and lover and now seems to hate me... .where do I go from here. Thank you for your response.

[Raybo48]

Great advice from BrokenFamily.  

I'd take a step back from her and work on healing yourself.  Right now all your emotions are so raw it's hard to rationalize anything.  If you feel NC is best for you then take that route.  Also, ask yourself would you be friends with a person who devalues you and can replace you so easily?  It's your call, but that doesn't sound like much of a friend.

[westdawk2036]

I can't rationalize it like that right now, too much emotions involved. It was a two year relationship, longest i've ever had by far. What is NC btw?

[Raybo48]

Unfortunately she is unaware of her BPD and I do not want to make her aware as I am scared of the repercussions. I realize I probably need to cut her off and have been seeking closure for a month now but that will never happen. When she reaches out to me it is only to hurt me and blame me. I am not on Zoloft and Ativan to manage my depression and anxiety that resulted from the loss of this woman who meant so much to me but who has hurt me so much. I only wish I was aware of BPD before I lost her. Now she is with someone else and I am forced to see them together almost daily. I do not know how I should go about cutting off the communication. This person was my best friend and lover and now seems to hate me... .where do I go from here. Thank you for your response.

If you are out of the relationship why do you feel it's up to you to tell her she has BPD?  Yes, there could be repercussions because you don't know how she will react.  My BPDxgf got very hostile when I informed her on a few occasions that I thought she had the disorder and she became very vindictive.  

[Raybo48]

I can't rationalize it like that right now, too much emotions involved. It was a two year relationship, longest i've ever had by far. What is NC btw?

no contact...  

[westdawk2036]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left. But your right she will become vindictive and evil, I know it. She is already spreading around her sorority that I am crazy.

[Raybo48]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left. But your right she will become vindictive and evil, I know it. She is already spreading around her sorority that I am crazy.

Everything you have described has happened to me and to many members on here.  You need to be careful on what you say and do if you are out of the relationship.   As much as you'll hate hearing this if she's with someone else it's her business and you can't do anything about it.  When the relationship comes apart like it did us non's have the tendency to act like a Bull in a china shop to try and get things back the way they were.  You need to remember if she has that disorder she thinks completely differently than you do and she'll view your actions totally different than your intent.  

[Raybo48]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left. But your right she will become vindictive and evil, I know it. She is already spreading around her sorority that I am crazy.

Final thought.

Most people with that disorder rarely think they have a problem and even if they go into therapy they don't stay in long enough for it to be effective.  I think it's admirable that you want to help her and it speaks about how you feel about her.  I also have no doubt you have compassion for her and love her, but it's not necessarily your job to enlighten her that she has BPD post-relationship.  

Just my two cents.  

[BrokenFamily]

Everyone has their own way of dealing and it will happen in its own time. No contact, removing pictures and controlling your inner dialogue (thoughts) are very good tools to help. When I start thinking about my ex who's she's with and how abruptly it turned from love to hate i get confused because it makes no sense and understanding it impossible. This page has helped but what has helped the most is once I start thinking about her I change the subject in my mind to something productive that can actually benefit me not something that will prolong my pain. Unfortunately the Eagle's brought me pain this Sunday, I'm assuming your a fan with a name like WestDawk

[walksoftly]

Oh man, you are in the right place. I was in a ten year relationship with my now ex. The divorce was incredibly high in conflict-it was absurd. I was the perfect husband and father and there we were in the courtroom;me, and her and her new man, who she was with for at least a full year when she was with me. They both tried to tell the Judge I was a violent alcoholic and have my daughter taken away from me-it didnt work.

Youll have to move on somehow and oh man it hurts like no other hurt you had before. I can tell you from experience that time heals. Use this time to work on yourself and realize that you are the person with integrity.

[westdawk2036]

Makes sense. I just don't know what do with myself at this point. It feels like the last two years have been all a lie. A waste of my love and full of fake memories and fake affection. How the hell does someone move on after something like this... .

[westdawk2036]

Agreed about the eagles Broken Family. Definitely did not help to have to watch that. As far as stopping the racing thoughts and feelings about her it is very very hard. It has caused me to struggle in school and lose interest in many of the things I used to enjoy. I have considered deleting the pictures but I don't know if I have that in me... .but i'm sure she will delete them herself soon enough. Worst part about BPD is the feeling of being completely replaced and the past being meaningless to her.

[BrokenFamily]

I was with my BPD ex almost 4 years we have a 16 month old daughter together and 90% of the time we were the happiest family you've ever seen. We were so happy that people would say wow want a beautiful family! Like any couple we had the occasional fight but I was loyal loving and kind. Her moods became impossible, she would make accusations about me that even she couldn't believe at times. Example: a bag of salad was missing and I must have had sex with a vegetarian while she was at work. The day before she left she looked me dead in the eyes and said she's never been happier in her life and would love me forever. I went to work the next day with a smile on my face only to get a phone call from her accusing me of not texting her back quickly enough and her finding porn in my browser history. I explained I was busy at work and admitted looking for the celebrity nudes that were leaked and porn popped up and we would talk about it when I got home. I came home her and my daughter were gone. The following day I learned she was in a new relationship with a bag boy from her work, he has is GED he's kind over weight lives with his mommy and has no car. We were civil and actually getting along really well despite the circumstances but when I mentioned she seek help for BPD she exploded and has been hurtful and cruel ever since.

[westdawk2036]

Damn man thats awful. What a truly terrible disorder. My ex before had almost overdosed on pills and this past ex with BPD tried to use suicide on me twice and then went ahead and said that it was my fault they both did that, that I caused it.

[BrokenFamily]

I can live with the breakup, I can deal with the abusive treatment towards me and total disregard for my feelings but what I can't deal with the just errks my soul is that she actually believes our whole relationship was horrible and she was never happy. I sent her a bunch of pictures taken prior to the beak up and showed her just how happy we were and it didn't even phase her.

To respond to your comment; I would suggest you (like me) are attracting these type of girls and maybe you should be more cautious in the future.

If you in Philly we should grab a beer sometime!

[westdawk2036]

Boy do I feel you on that one. She says I made her depressed, that she was unhappy for most of the relationship and that I never cared about her... .I have emails where she's literally ranting about how great I am and how much I care. Its like they completely forget about everything that you and her had before. She has made me out to be such a bad guy at this point we can't even get through a simple couple minute conversation. I remember she got mad at me once for saying I thought decorative fruit at the dining hall were fake when she thought they were real... .Like it didn't even matter to me I just genuinely thought they were fake. That everyday for months... .and i'm the one who ruined the relationship... .

And thanks bro I wish but i'm actually in Rhode Island

[westdawk2036]

and ya I wonder what we're doing to attract these kinds of people... .

[BrokenFamily]

People with BPD are the most sensual, happy go lucky fun people you'll ever meet during the honeymoon period. So it's no wonder we love them.

[westdawk2036]

Tell me about it. That's probably why my ex is already with someone else... .Easy to love when you see that side. The very side that's so hard for me to forget about and let go

[BrokenFamily]

If I didn't' have a 16 month old daughter with my ex she would be nothing but a bad memory. The complications this causes for me as well as my daughter are without end.

Fortunately I'm coming to terms with it and seeing that all the stress and aggravation isn't helping anything or anyone and is ruining every aspect of my life. For my daughter I can no-longer allow that to happen.

[westdawk2036]

I can't imagine having a child with someone with BPD. I really feel for ya man. Your right though your kid is what's important right now, make sure her mothers disorder doesn't ruin her life also. She's living with you or her mother?

[BrokenFamily]

Were doing a shared custody thing where our daughter spends half the week with me and half the week with her, unfortunately my ex sleeps till noon and leaves her mother to take care of our daughter. Its just a matter of time till I get my act together enough so I can seek full custody.

[westdawk2036]

Do it. I can't imagine the kind of damage a BPD person could do to a child. Is it hereditary?

[BrokenFamily]

Her dads been in jail for most of her life, he was abusive to her mom and has serious drug problems. Her mother is a drunk who neglected her as a child and dumped her off with her grandmother most of the time. My ex always said she didn't want to be like her family unfortunately she's following right in her mommy's footsteps.

[westdawk2036]

___ well my ex actually comes from a very nice family so there's no real resson for her to act this way except for the BPD. I'm sure in your exs case that that only made things worse. I'm pulling for ya in the custody battle man, your daughter should not be around that. Stay strong.

[Fluff]

I still love her, so I want to help her even if it sabotages whatever relationship we do have left.

Hmpf. =\ Been there, done that. That last self-sacrificing act doesn't work. Burning bridges with these people might be a good thing, but you will be annoying to her and you will feel you betrayed yourself, again.

She does not deserve your love.

NC. Heal. Get stronger. Roar.

[Fluff]

When the relationship comes apart like it did us non's have the tendency to act like a Bull in a china shop to try and get things back the way they were.  You need to remember if she has that disorder she thinks completely differently than you do and she'll view your actions totally different than your intent.  

[westdawk2036]

Been seeing her around like everywhere. So much hate in her eyes it makes no sense. Really destroys me inside. I remember the good days with her like they were yesterday, we were best friends. Now its like this... .so painful