I 'outed' my BPD mother

[ElvisLives]

My BPD mother is here in my house visiting.  Two days ago, she made a Facebook post which described me as 'the problem' to a  family member.  I was enraged... .and then utterly distraught.  The next day I reached the end and decided to open up about my childhood.

So I posted about BPD and my childhood and ongoing experience on FB to my close friends, some of which know my mother.  The post wasn't visible to any of my family or my mother because I don't wish to cause them hurt.

It wasn't angry, just an open post to them about what had happened to me as a child and adult and that how I didn't blame her, but I wanted to be open about it as a way to heal myself and stop living this lie and to educate those people who engage with her about her relationship with me.  I also said that I wasn't a 'problem'  - just a person trying to heal and live and love... .

It had an amazing response.  I'm so glad I wrote it.  It was very validating, freeing and amazingly, helped a few friends who also had the same thing happen to them and they felt able to speak up because of it.

I don't know if I did 'the right thing' in terms of BPD etc but I know I did 'the right thing' for me and my healing.

I felt like I told a huge truth and although it's my truth and not hers, it's now out there and I feel better for it.

[funfunctional]

Hi,

I think the fact you kept it for only a few close friends viewing was good idea.    We have to find our support system in life and clearly it helped you put your own personal power back into your hands.   By posting/smearing you on facebook your mom made you feel like you had no chance to even defend yourself.    My BPD sister defriended my whole family and then smeared me on facebook.   I had an old neighbor telling me all about it.     I had to just "let it go".    Although I know people read it and I have given up trying to tell "my side" of the story.   However,  I think what you did was healing for YOU and successful in getting that healing support so "good for you!".

I am glad you OUTED your mom.     She had no business bad mouthing you on facebook.  How incredibly rude of her.  I am sure many people already think she is rude regardless.

Good luck!  "You GO"

[ElvisLives]

Thanks funfunctional... .


There were a large amount of her 'church' friends that the post was open to.  Afterwards I received over 90 comments in support and a good few private messages saying that they always thought she was 'odd' and that there was something wrong with her and that now I named it, they understand.

Some were distressed about my childhood but I said I was fine, that releasing this was part of my healing and that now they know, they can stop indulging in the drama of the 'issues' she perpetuates by creating their own boundaries.

It was and still is  a good feeling.  These people who go through life dumping on everyone's lives with their lack of boundaries and horrible behaviour... .it's not fair.  It's simply not fair that they do that and then aren't held accountable for it in some way.

I realise she doesn't remember and possibly doesn't want to remember either but I won't be silent about it.

Three of my friends opened up about their BPD mothers too.  I never even knew.

Now we can support each other.   

[Ziggiddy]

oh my! This was SO interesting to me, ElvisLives!

i have been slowly slowly letting things out about my mother to friends. It has been inconsistent in the receiving - some just think she is so amazing (one friend describes her as the most awesome person she ever met!) but it is SO worth it for the validation I've had from others. Plus it is off my hands if anyone twigs - no one can say "Well you didn't warn us!"

Well done, you

Ziggiddy

[Turkish]

That validation must have felt liberating, EL.

I outed mine to a few close friends as being BPD. The thing with my hermit-waif mother is that it surprised no one. She's obviously eccentric, though fairly likable (in-between times where she has fallings out with certain friends). I miss the small rural town where I spent my teen years, but I'm kind of glad to not live there anymore because I don't miss the gossip and drama.

[nicolin]

I'm really happy for you, ElvisLives!  How wonderful that must have felt.  Go back to those posts and messages whenever you need strength in dealing with her again, for sure.  I remember (before the days of Facebook) when one of my uBPD mom's friends confided in me all of these things he couldn't believe about my mother.  He was echoing so many sentiments I had inside and the validation from someone on the outside was something that has stayed with me to this day.  So I can only imagine how amazing all that you got back from people felt.   

[ElvisLives]

Thanks guys.  

You know that saying 'The truth will set you free'?

Well it has done in so many ways.  I feel so much lighter and happier than I have done in years because of it.

Turkish, you're right, no-one was surprised per se.  Some of my close friends had no idea of course, but why should they?  As one of my mother's friends said 'I always knew, but you have just put a label on it for us all finally'.

Ziggiddy, you're right ... validation.  And belief too.  I was believed!  It felt and continues to feel really really good.  The compassion I received in the messages from my friends was really inspiring and they said I was strong.

One of the other biggest things was also that some of my school friends had always judged me as being one of the 'wealthy' and 'posh' kids who had no problems.  This was a big reminder that you cannot judge from the outside.

My mother is in her 70's so she's been at her game for a very long time, so people have seen her true sides over the years.  Also a waif with a fair bit of witch thrown in here and there, I think the saying that 'You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.' is really how it ends up for BPD people.

There's no long term consistency for them in relationships and people start to question over time.

Our relationship is pretty much non existent and so my mother perpetuates this issue with her friends, telling them that she's desperate for a good relationship with me and that she doesn't understand why it's so bad.  Of course, this is a major sympathy ploy and the issue keeps them all engaged with her.  After all, who could possibly abandon and hate their mother like I do?  Surely there must be something wrong with me?

It's the unsolvable and perennial problem that will never go away because she will never admit that she has the issue.  She's created the issue as a way to stop those people abandoning her and continuously engaging with her. 

Now people know this, they can choose whether they engage with it or not.