parernity test

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is more to get it off my chest than anything else.

I have carried out a home DNA test on my son. I should get the result today.

I feel ashamed as part of me hopes he isnt mine as I could get my exgf out of my life for good. I know I will be heartbroken as I love the little guy to bits but I cant stop thinking that I am stuck with my ex and all her behaviour for the rest of my life. I also cant stop worrying about the effect she will have on him and how I am supposed to deal with it all.

The stress is killing me. I have a trapped nerve that I cant get rid of because I am so tense that I cant loosen it up. I feel like crying but cant even manage a tear.

Just sat around now awaiting my email.

[enlighten me]

This is more to get it off my chest than anything else.

I have carried out a home DNA test on my son. I should get the result today.

I feel ashamed as part of me hopes he isnt mine as I could get my exgf out of my life for good. I know I will be heartbroken as I love the little guy to bits but I cant stop thinking that I am stuck with my ex and all her behaviour for the rest of my life. I also cant stop worrying about the effect she will have on him and how I am supposed to deal with it all.

The stress is killing me. I have a trapped nerve that I cant get rid of because I am so tense that I cant loosen it up. I feel like crying but cant even manage a tear.

Just sat around now awaiting my email.

[Blimblam]

This is more to get it off my chest than anything else.

I have carried out a home DNA test on my son. I should get the result today.

I feel ashamed as part of me hopes he isnt mine as I could get my exgf out of my life for good. I know I will be heartbroken as I love the little guy to bits but I cant stop thinking that I am stuck with my ex and all her behaviour for the rest of my life. I also cant stop wiorrying about the effect she will have on him and how I am supposed to deal with it all.

The stress is killing me. I have a trapped nerve that I cant get rid of because I am so tense that I cant loosen it up. I feel like crying but cant even manage a tear.

Just sat around now awaiting my email.

Im so sorry man!

I don't really know what to say except im sorry for what you must be going through. 

I can relate to the trapped nerve when my ex stressed me out I got one too and was in a lot of pain and could barely sleep.

[enlighten me]

Thanks blim blam

part of my concern is that I have started closing down emotionally towards my son. A sort of distancing myself from him to avoid the pain that will come if he isnt mine. It feels so selfish of me as he has done nothing to deserve it.

[Rifka]

Enlightened,

You did nothing to deserve such abuse. If the child is yours, I'm sure you will do the right thing. If not, she already knew this and tried to trap you.

Your health and well being are very important. If he isn't yours, you're free to have complete n/c and start healing.

Try not to feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong and trying to survive.

Rifka

[enlighten me]

Thanks rifka

I know that I will do everything for him if he is mine. I have fought tooth and nail for my two sons and have always put my children first.

I just feel selfish for my feeling that life will be simpler if he wasnt mine. I was tge one that said I would like more children but I wanted to be there as they grew up and not by proxy. I think it all emphasises my shattered dreams.

[clydegriffith]

Smart man! I did the exact same thing and i won't lie i was also hoping it wasn't mine. While i wasn't fully aware of my BPDx's disorder at the time i just had an unsettling feeling about her. Results came back saying i'm the father so now i am tied to this horrible person for the rest of my life.

When you get the email with the results you just pause, knowing what it says will change your life forever.

[enlighten me]

Thanks clyde

its nice to know im not alone in this thinking.

My ex wife I now realise is uBPD also so I have had doubts for my other sons. At 11 and 13 I cant bring myself to do the same with them.

[clydegriffith]

Thanks clyde

its nice to know im not alone in this thinking.

My ex wife I now realise is uBPD also so I have had doubts for my other sons. At 11 and 13 I cant bring myself to do the same with them.

Oh wow, sorry to hear that. I think just for piece of mind you should get it done for all your kids. I did the test when my daughter was just a few months old. I can't imagine what it would be like having been a part of her life for 10 years plus then doing the test!

[enlighten me]

Im positive the 13 year old is mine. The 11 year old looks nothing like me though. I decided I couldnt break his heart. He loves me so much that it would destroy him. It would break up the family and I love the boys toouch to do that. My youngest is only 18 montgs old so im just another person to him at the moment.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My exGF seemed so extra 'happy' and lovey-dovey during one of my visits to be with her (we lived about 150 miles apart).  Dumb me, I believed she was truly happy to see me, as she had been going to weekly therapy sessions  and trying to improve on her condition and emotions.  I was one of her only strongholds.

Imagine, then, when I get a phone call a few weeks later at night, when she nervously blurts out after a long silence - I'm pregnant".  After knowing she was sleeping on and off with her ex, I was COMPLETELY crushed.  She said she was a month pregnant, so by timing, I knew right off it wasn't my child.  She meekly stated that this did not have to alter or affect our relationship. 

Turns out she was sleeping with at least 6 other guys during our relationship time-line.  The father is someone she cannot stand, and was the jackpot result of a drunken stupor one night stand. 

Am i glad I am not the father - you bet your ass!  i could not possibly fathom having to be the single parent with two children - one who will grow up messed up, just like his mom, a high functioning borderline alcoholic hypersexual - who never grew up either.

[clydegriffith]

As i mentioned before, the BPDx has 5 kids by 3 different guys but she choses who she has children with wisely, at least from a financial standpoint which sometimes makes me raise an eyebrow to the whole BPD issue. She sleeps around a lot but somehow manages to only get pregant by guys with good jobs that are good hearted and will support their kids. I'm 100% sure she's been pregnant by others that don't meet that criteria and she had those pregnancies terminated. She isnt stupid and is now enjoying some very nice child support that amounts to around $2,500 a month from me and the guy before me. She would be in a world  of trouble if she had kids with some of the other people she was sleeping with but then again, thats why she didnt.

[enlighten me]

Well the deadline has been and gone and still no rezults. Over 24 hours late now. Just want to know one way or the other.

[clydegriffith]

Let us know what happens

[enlighten me]

Just had the results.

A 99.996% match so he is my son. Its a relief that he is mine and the doubt has been removed. Now I just have to plan my next sixteen years of dealing with his mum .

I had my doubts about the process but being able to draw a line under a nagging dout is very theraputic.

[going places]

What are the chances that you can gain full custody, and limit their exposure to her sickness?

Get them into some sort of therapy so that they know 'it's not their fault, they are doing nothing wrong, and they are not to blame?"

[enlighten me]

Unfortunately due to my work I cannot get full custody. I work away a lot.

My eldest with the ex wife are pretty good. They realise mum has issues but I havent told them this. I tried to stop her moving away due to mental health issues but the psycologist gave her a fairly clean bill of health quoting situational depression. Basically blaming it on me. BPD never crossed his mind as she did such a good job on him.

My exgf is also very plausible. The best I can hope for is to be a stable parent in their lives and hope that any problems can be dealt with before they have an impact.

[going places]

Yikes, kids with an ex wife and an ex gf... .

A live in Nanny is an option. They are not expensive.

[enlighten me]

I did try that option but the ex wife wouldnt go for it and the exgf is a lioness when it comes to her kids.

Yes lucky me children with two uBPD exs yay.

As with all of us we dont realise until its too late. That said I wouldnt turn back time if it meant my children didnt exist. They are the only good to have come out of the relationships.

I am slowly preparing myself for any potential psycological problems they may face. By arming myself with knowledge I can hopefully undo any damage that may be done.

Im afraid thats yhe best I can hope for without doing more damage by dragging the exs through court and potentially losing credibility.

[Blimblam]

Enlighten me, the following children's books might really help your kids reconnect and make sense of the trauma they are bound to recieve.  The giving tree by shel Silverstein, the missing piece by shel Silverstein and hansel and gretel. 

[enlighten me]

Thanks blim blam

The eldest are coping well. They have a lot of friends and call out their mum all the time. I allow them time with their gran so they can discuss things with her that theyre not comfortable talking to me about. They have a lot of support and it seems to be working. My 18 minth old will get the benefit of a stable parent and similar family support. Only time will tell what direction things will take but I am confident that unless they have inherited BPD  then they will be good.

[clydegriffith]

I'm in a similar position as you except that the BPDx had to move 7 hours away after breakup since she had nobody where we were at. As unpredictable as the BPDx is, she has a huge support system where she is now that look over my daughter. She's only 3 but already so smart! I really don't have much of a support system so at this point in time i say that given the circumstances the current situation is what's in her best interest. I don't really feel like much of a father though as i only see her for a few days every couple of months.

[enlighten me]

Hi clyde

im sorry tgat you dont get to see your daughter as much as you would like. My ex wife moved 3 hours away and my ex gf lives 20 mins away. I get my eldest every other weekend and the same with my youngest aswell as every wednesday so im quite lucky. The problem is when I start work again as I work away for about 8 months of the year. Then i am in a similar posution to you with hardly seeing any of them.

My ex wife has no suppirt where she is as all hrr family live near me. My exgf has her family near but im not sure how supportive they are as I have not spoken to any of them about the ex. I have bumped into some of them and they were all really friendly so I think theyve had enough of her behaviour and dont hold me to blame.